believeme

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has finally gone to rehab. He has gone far away and will be doing something like a 90 treatment and then 90 recovery-hopefully. Beyond giving all the details in a long message his family has been less than supportive of me being with him but I guess because they are so embarrassed by his behavior. He done a lot to me in 3 1/2 and I've stayed with him...I found it hard to leave because everytime I did his mom would take him shopping (he's 32 and lives at home) and one time for a week that I tried to put my foot down and confront his addiction after he stole money from me....his family treated him to a lovely Disney vacation ....without me. I've been so hurt and so confused about how they have always wanted me gone but have always ignored his problem. At the end of the day even though I have made the decision to stay hoping to see the person I fell in love with again one day...they still don't have much to do with me. Now he's gone and I have no way to talk to him, no way to know what is going on at all except through his mother. She has tried to keep me updated (kind of) but she has been so hateful about me sticking around that I've just been trying to smile and be calm so that she doesn't tell him to leave me (she usually tries to tell him to just give up and to let me go instead of trying to fix anything) while he's away. I know I have no control over this situation and that everything is happening for a reason but I guess my question is...how do I stay strong through this ....and if and when he comes home....since I'm not allowed to be involved with life after rehab...how am I supposed to act? I'm not going to lie...I feel very angry that just because we don't have the title of "married" that I booted out for his mom to run in and leave me out one more time ....so I'm trying to do this without having to contact her...because I've wanted him to go for so long, I don't know why they think I would leave right now when I would think that he needs to know I'm there for him the most? Even if I don't talk to him the entire time he is there-I want him to get better, I don't want to be a distraction...but I don't want to go anywhere-how do I do this? How do I forgive his family?

Learn2Live

It's been my experience that the addict will actually try to keep you at a distance from their parents and siblings, or even tell them negative things about you so that they don't like you. The reason is so that they can use you as their scapegoat when their family members start catching on. They may see you as the reason why he does drugs in the first place, based on what he may have said to them. What does he say to you about them?

outtolunch

He's 32 and living at home and being treated to new clothes and a trip to Disney by his mama. And he's OK with this.

Does this guy have a job? A paid for car? Does he pay for his own auto insurance? Cell phone? Internet?

Sounds like mama is calling the shots and he's OK with this.

I am not sure who you fell in love with but right now, he's a big ole mama's boy with a bad addiction on his back.

As for forgiveness...mama probably blames you cause " baby dumpling" is hardly capable of thinking for himself. You and his mama both seem to think you know what he needs moreso than he does. Why not respect his wishes and leave him alone to figure this out, or not.

Jody675

believeme, what are you getting out of this relationship that makes you stay? have you not read all the posts in here about people wanting that person back they fell in love with, but the reality is, that person probably never existed or he/she is now gone. your entire post screamed codependency, that you cant seem to function without this guy. why? no person should have that much control over our existence. take a step back, and let him do his rehab, and while you work on you, and think about why you stay with a guy who obviously does not respect or love you (people who do this, dont let their family treat the ones they love with such disrespect, and they certainly dont steal from them). go find yourself, (because it seems you have lost yourself in this toxic relationship) and you might look back one day and think...WTF was i doing. you can do this, and you will be amazed at the woman you find inside waiting to come out.

believeme

All good points and @ outtolunch, I don't know if it is his wishes that that I leave him alone, he is not allowed right now to have any contact with anyone because this is his first week there and I certainly don't want act like I'm in competition with his mother, I never said I knew what was best for him...she chooses to give him money and take him on vacations so that their family "looks happy" to everyone in this small town and I just happen to have a very different thoughts about it- I'm probably just still in shock right now and I'm trying to get my thoughts together so I can know how to respond. There is a reason that people write their own stories in these rooms and it's because at one point or another we all want to believe that our story is different - I'm at that point and I do understand that once I'm taken away from this unhealthly situation that I will be able to reflect and see things more clearly now that he is gone. I guess overall I just don't know that much about any of this, I live in a very very small town, I don't do drugs, I work in a law office and go to school fulltime -and at no point can I talk about it with anyone because I'm always being told by his family to lie before I tell anyone what is going on. They have all caused me extreme anxiety and Jody675, 90% of the time when I was with him I felt loved, it was not terrible until he relapsed and that's when the family stuff would start again and my feelings would get hurt all over again. So I def. think that you're right I don't think anyone should ever be disrespected like this...so I guess the question is why does it happen other than the fact that people like me are always hopefull that they will change?

believeme

He wants me to get a long with them actually and has talked to them about not saying such hateful things to me- but you're right, I don't think they don't like me I just think they are tired of the entire situation and are just ready for me to move on so that they don't have to think about it anymore. It's easier for them to drop me and go on vacation then it is to see him try and possiblly fail at fixing things-so they tell him just to give up on me and let me go instead-maybe I just need to let that go and see how my attitude changes, dunno

JoeysGirl

I am having a similiar problem but different with my boyfriends family.
He has been using, and I broke up with him last week in an attempt to push him into getting help. But within a couple days he was binging and he overdosed. Now he is in the hospital, and his parents are guilting me and trying to use that to make me go along and side with them on what they want my boyfriend to do.

I dont really think they like me either, even though I dont use drugs at all, and Im the most stable person their son has in his life.

It is so frustrating, and although I know they are in pain and scared; they also are making me really angry, and making me feel used, or like Im a pawn to them.

My boyfriends parents do all sorts of stuff for him too, and now they are threatening to shut him out completely if he doesnt agree to rehab like they want. I have no objection to rehab, I want whats best - but I cant decide that for him and try to force him.

Anyway, so similiar to you problem but different. I have no answers either, but it must be a common problem.

crazybabie

believeme, if your bf stays in the program and doesn't leave and stays clean once out he still has a lot of work ahead of him the rehab can help him get off the drugs with less side effects, as well as teach him some tools etc.. yet when he gets out that is when he has a ways to go once back to the "real" world it is usually suggested that one works on themselves for a year before getting in a relationship.

Have you considered trying any programs for you? Ala-non, Nar anon Families Anonymous? I am sure you want your relationship to be as healthy as possible should it continue while he is working on him maybe you could work on you?

sumtimez

i was his scapegoat and he used other people as scapegoat when he need excuses for his behavior with me.... his children have absolutely hated me for sum time and i think this is why. he is in 3rd week of rehab, and he had a discussion with me night before i drove him, said that he told them he spoke lies about me.... kicked him out for lying few times before, but didnt know til last time the lying was because he was abusing drugs. because he spoke to family , i take him viewing his problem in truth.... he is coming home to me after rehab, bt i will n ot tolerate being his exuse anymoire

dollydo

He is a spoiled mama's boy, who does nothing but enable him...what exactly about him are you so gaga about? He is 32, with the emotional IQ of a 15 year old, IMO he is as grown up as he will ever be. Do you want to spend your life babysitting a 15 yo?

Have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum? Read Codependent No More? Gone to Naranon meetings? I would suggest that consider all three.