FindingErica

I'm really just feeling angry this morning. As most of you know my AH is out of state and was/is squatting in a rental home he can no longer afford. I want him served with divorce papers but by the time the sherrif's office gets to serving him he probably won't be there. The lawyer therefore is going to attempt to serve him where we think he is claiming to work. Don't know if he is even telling he truth about working.

I can only communicate with him by email and I guess Facebook though I am booting him as soon as I print a conversation between us where he admits to being an addict and alcoholic. He tried to get me to pay his car insurance and his cell bill- the plan he kicked me off of (the nerve). His emails are starting to sound like resignation, "I pray you and the kids are well taken care of." "sounds like the kids are happy and you did a good job finding a place to live.". He did though state the kids are probably aware of his use and they probably are not happy about it. You think? He makes no indication in his emails that he understands he has any responsibility to these kids financially. I closed our joint account on fri and took the last 100 in it, I felt guilty for two days even though he has done worse to me.

I have an awareness and acceptance of the reality of this situation. It is still hard to believe at times that this is how my marriage/ family turned out. I never thought I would raise these kids as a single mom. I've stopped feeling numb about a week ago. With the rapid changes I had to go through, with stopping the out of state move, finding a place to live, moving...etc, I think I was numb. Sometimes almost puppet like as I went through the motions. Now I'm starting to feel the sadness and anger. It stinks, I hate this phase.

Ann

In some places, if you cannot find them to serve notice of pending divorce papers, you can place a public notice in a newspaper over a period of time and that is considered "served". Maybe check out how it is in your area.

Take good care of yourself and your children. Things may be tough for a while, but one day soon you will find that you are settled in your new independent life and even happy.

Hugs

suki44883

Yep, Ann beat me to it. Great minds think alike and so do ours.

FindingErica

If he is working I want child support. Maybe I need to stop wanting and just go forward in the right now.

Last night I actually felt content, I was sitting on the couch in my house watching the Olympics and I had fed my kids and was doing what makes me happy- clipping coupons and sipping Pepsi. Everything felt, dare I say it, OK. And I felt almost happy with this new life.

Then feeling that way freaked me out because I am worried if I relax then the other shoe will drop and I was up until almost 2 fretting. What if this happens or that. What if he is homeless on the first or gets his act together and tries to get the kids.

Faithlove

If you have an attorney, they should know how to get constructive service on him through your state's Civil Rules of Procedure. In my state there are two different avenues- service via the Secretary of State or through a Warning Order Attorney. Constructive service is not as good as personal service, but it can still be very beneficial.
Thinking of you. I like Pepsi and coupons too!

story74

Hang in there. It has been just about a year for my divorce, and I am still hurting. Things are clearer though. The reality has set in and I realize there is NO EXCUSE...what he did is wrong. How can you just walk out on your family? I will never ever ever understand it. Things get better. The roller coaster of emotions gets smoother. I'm having a hard time forgiving. I'm not as angry, but how can I forgive someone who abandoned, cheated, stole and jeopordized my sons future? At first I was in shock. In so much pain. Confused. But, its getting better and better everyday. I actually feel as though I am coming out of this more mature, and with more self esteem. I know what it really means to be an adult, and I am being that for my son. There is a sticky in this forum about being in fight or flight mode. When I read that it clicked. I, too, was always waiting for what's next. My phone would ring and I would get anxious. The sound of an incoming text would set off my anxiety. I felt like every 2 weeks it was something. Now, he is mia...when will he pop up? Anxiety. But, I realize it. I am working on training my mind on focus on future and happiness. I always tell myself somehow it will work out because I am smart and thoughtful and have a great support system. Breath. You deserve happiiness. You have it all...the kids. He will be in and out. You will have to deal with him. Hopefully he will default on the divorce and you can get evrything requested. The court will not look kindly on a father who is mia. When the judge found out I didn't have a contact # for my xah it did not look good. He probably has resigned as my addict has. My addict was notorious for no follow thru and giving up sober...drugs wouldn't make it better. My thinking. Is as painful as it is to see your children hurting, at least they are seeing him daily being an addict. Only healthy needs to be around my child.

Let yourself be happy. The other shoe will drop...at some point and somehow. Unfortunately, these addicts will pop in and out throughout the years. But, we can't let them have that much power. And I'm stll a work in progress...just a week ago my xah paid child supoort and my mind start racing and it rought up new emotions. But, I have a lot of time to self reflect and am aware when they surface and am ale to work through them. It sucks. I just want peace and calm all the time. I am so jealous of moms that have a supportive husband and a united family. No, this is not my choice. But, it was what I got. And I love life and my son. I always say life is too beautiful.

Read that sticky about flight fight mode (if you haven't already). It takes awhile to settle. Breath. Exercise. Be healthy. Take care. It will work out.

story74

Ps...I had so much anxiety that my xah was going to fight my for custody. I did yoga everyday. You will feel this way until things are finalized. But then I had to deal with "I'm sober I don't need supervised visits", then I had to deal with no money, then child support hearing, then him being inconsistent on visitations, his anger, his *****, his family...like I said every 2 weeks. All I can say is try to exercise to get the anxiety out. This is just the beginning. My lawyer told me " just give him 2 years and watch his. Behavior" my friend who had an addict brother said the same thing. If he is an addict he won't want thekids. he sounds really bad already...not having a home and/or job...and feeling like he has resigned...he will probably disappear...maybe. that's thing we have no idea what they are thinking or doing. It can make you crazy. Just know you are not alone. You have every right to worry about things. But it will get better. You are sober and doing what's best for those kids...

FindingErica

Story, thank you! You are one of the posters here whose story is similar to mine and I always look for your posts. It is so hard to believe my AH could just walk away, he was always doing stuff with the kids but it was stuff, entertainment, fun stuff- but at least he was doing stuff with them. He wasnt big on being the disciplinary parent. We weren't a cohesive family, we didn't sit down for family meals. I felt like I was doing most of the meat and potatoes of parenting. For instance we did a big joint birthday party for the younger two at a local establishment. I was setting the table, chasing kids, passing out pizza, organizing the prizes, taking pics, doing the birthday song and cake. He sat talking to some of the parents with his back to the party the whole time. My heart sank, I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe he showed so little interest. In retrospect he was probably wondering when it was over so he could go get high. That is what I think about over the past 4 years, him being physically present but not "there", unless he HAD to be. And heaven forbid one of the kids should interrupt his video game. . He has made comments to the effect that I begged to be a mother- in other words I saddled him with responsibility. Which isnt true but he did show decreased interest with each child born. I was very concerned when my now 11 yr old DD was born because I felt he wasn't bonding to her. When our youngest was born, he took 3 days off to help me and couldn't figure out why I actually wanted him to stay in the house and HELP. I was so exhausted, I remember having a crying toddler in one arm and a crying infant in the other, and he just walked out because he had stuff he wanted to do on HIS vacation time and he wasn't getting high then. So maybe I can picture him walking away. My brother is sure he will and so is his sister and her partner, they all say he doesn't seem to interested in his kids. I have to believe that though he complained about his long commute, he really liked it because he had the image: wife, kids, big house, nice cars, good career- but he didn't have to put much effort into his home life. I did all the maintenance. I guess he is just a jerk but he hides it well because as my mom says, he can charm the socks off a snake when he wants to.

story74

I was holding my colicky new born and my xah gave me a kiss and said he needed to go out for a drink with his friends. He had band practice every sunday, and resented me when had to give this up bc he was going to be a rock star. He would always be the last man standing at the party. Many nights he would stay out all night. Had to drink or be high everywhere. He was always fun and always everyones favorite friend. He played with my son, got bored and left. It was all about him. I did nothing but try and wanted nothing but a family. Towards the end I was really depressed. I felt alone. I felt like partying and friends were more important then family. Oh, and I did everything. From nutrition, to education to building (or trying to) family values...bday parties..everything. he would complain that I was too controlling, but I couldn't trust him enough to pay a bill. And you know what? I loved him. He was fun and knew me like nobody else. We were together for 16 years. But, he never grew up. He had a horrible childhood. He did the same thing to me that his father did to his mother...same age too. He has no family values. He is a child. And I am sure he is in pain right now. When I look back all I see from our relationship is immaturity and one bad decision after another. Now that he is gone, I can grow up. He doesn't want the kids. He can't handle the responsibility. Ha! My xah has never spent more then 3 hours with my son. He has no clue...and during those 3 hours I prepped everything (food, diaper bagect...) I'm sorry you are going thru this. It sucks. But maybe now you know what you really want in a partner and will not settle. I know I want a grown up. Fun only gets you so far. My x defaulted on the divorce and lost custody (thank god) of his son. He has 2 hours a week supervised visits. My lawyer said nothing can change this (although I was anxious about this for awhile) . My advice is do not think about him and tell your lawyer EXACTLY what you want...hopefully he defaults. And of course my x did nothing to prove himself or build trust in the aftermath. He was just angry and wouldn't admit to anything. In his warped mind he was sober and fell in love with someone else and this happens. He also tried to make me think I was the bad guy holding our son away from him. No. I was protecting my son from an addict. And thank god. Because if I had to send my son off for a weekend to him and his loser girlfriend that would of messed up my boy. Who knows what he would have to see or deal with. Its so painful. Like I said before, how can someone just give up on their family? Mind blowing! hang in there and be veryaggressive on moving forward fast. I had my lawyer move the date to make it go faster. I was divorced 2.5 months after I filled. It went quick bc he defaulted. We deserve men. Chin up! Sometimes things happen that really suck, but are for the best.

FindingErica

Story, I think my AH and you xAH are related. Argh! Rock Star... Check! My AH fancies himself a bass player and has always kind of lamented that he gave up his dream. He was in a garage band in the nineties and I was the Yoko Ono of the band after our first was born. He gave up that dream with some resentment.

My AH never went anywhere with the three kids by himself until the youngest was potty trained and I went back to work p/t.

I think he did try in the way he knew how. He was handling the finances over the past 4 years, but we really got run into the ground with credit card debt, which is what happens when he is in control of the finances. I dug us out before and now we are neck deep again. Because he can't curb his fun. When I was working p/t and in school, I swear he spent the money I earned as fast as I earned it. He would take the kids on the weekend to movies, arcades, theme park, fast food all the time..etc. now putting all his stuff in boxes, my brother remarked on how much stuff AH bought for himself and never even took out of the box or bought an abundance of; tools, games, computer equipment, movies...etc. I am filling box after box of just STUFF.

Looking back I've went through many years where I believe I was probably depressed, especially when I was a stay home mom. I would go through periods where I would isolate and had very few friends. And then we were always moving. Never too stable. AH is a dreamer and has ADHD and I am always feeling like I dont belong. Bad combo. He was always on me about making friends and getting a job. But when I really did get a job and started making my own friends he became more threatened. This past year I isolated again, he has quite a few friends that he hangs with, either when I am not around or they go out or they hang in the garage, most are single. He always looks at me like I am a nuisance or embarrassing if I come to talk to them. Now I know they were his gettin' high friends. He also fancies himself some kind of hot catch (he's not); and was always making comments to me like, "i bet that girl (in the McD drivethru) is wishing she had a great man like me who makes alot of money and drives this nice car, she probably sees me with this family and wishes she was with me." and he thinks he deserves a wife who looks like she just arrived from a Vicorias Secret runway. Heck, he's just what my brother says he is, a 17 year old. And my brother told me that is the shtick he plays around women, the "I have a great career making lots of money but poor me I'm saddled to this b*tch nag wife and three kids who don't appreciate me.". I just hope whatever skank he finally sells his line to doesnt think she is going to be a second mom to my kids.