FreckleFace

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we are high school sweethearts. I know what I want out of life and have goals and he is not sure where or what he wants to do with his life. My boyfriend used to be so innocent and sweet but about a year n a half ago he was introduced to crack. He would disappear, steal money from me and his family, lie, and cheat. He also takes any prescription pills he can get his hands on, mostly stealing his moms pain meds. I am just so overwhelmed because my boyfriend was never like this and idk where this behavior came from. He lies to me all the time telling me he's been clean and then I find out from his mom that he has stole a couple hundred to buy crack. I just don't know why he has to lie to me and tell me he's okay when really he is far from it and mainly its my fault for believing it. Everytime I threaten to leave him he does something dangerous to himself like down as many pills as he can or smoke a lot of crack which makes it so hard to leave because of what he will do to himself and it worries me so much. And I always get pulled back in the relationship some how. Especially when I don't talk to him for a couple of days and then his mom will text me saying how he needs me and loves me so much and that I'm the only thing left that he's got, which I think is totally unfair for me because she has a daughter who has a loser boyfriend so you would think that pretty much me as her daughter in law she would tell me to run as fast away from her son as possible because it is putting me thru turmoil.

He is actually hospitalized right now because his diabetes was out of control with very high blood sugars that weren't stable. His mom told me he was hitting and acting irrational when he was admitted because he was so strung out on the drugs. The doctors said if he didn't get to the hospital when he did that some bad things could have happend. They said he had a heart arrythmia and several other things going on with him.

I guess what I'm trying to vent is I am so torn at the person he is becoming. Idont know what made him turn to drugs but it has destroyed his life. I love him so much and am scared to leave him because of the harm he has done already to himself and god forbid something happens to him I will have a tremendous amount of guilt. I need some good advice from the heart. I am under so much stress and especially since I went thru all of this with my father as well, the two men I love so much are both addicted and seem very hard to save.

My boyfriends mom said she wants him to get some kind of rehab or counseling b4 he leaves the hospital because he needs it. He even wants to go to get help but he's got such an addictive personality that its going to be very hard. Please help

kmangel

Do not let him convince you that his over excessive use of drugs is your fault because of what you have said or done. He is going to do what he wants to do. Addicts will say what ever it takes to manipulate the ones that care about them.

If you want things to change for the better then you have to change. Is being with him now as an addict the way you envision your life partner? He is an addict and it has gotten worse over time, hasn't it? When you said you wanted to leave but stayed because he told you your leaving would make him do something really dangerous, did things then get better for him? I bet not. Things are just getting worse aren't they? So what can you do that you haven't done before? You are going to have to think of what you want. You know what he wants and that is drugs. Are you okay with a partner whose first love is drugs? If not, then I hope you will follow what you truly want. A life with a drug addict is one very difficult path to follow.

FindingErica

You did not put the drugs in his body. Don't listen to his excuses or guilt. None of this is your fault and it certainly is not your problem to solve. Same with your father. There is a life away from addicts. Try looking into some nar-anon and al-anon groups. These are for family and friends of addicts. It is no coincidence that you have an addict boyfriend after growing up with an addict father, but again I is not your fault and you can not save anyone from their own free will choices. There is peace away from addicts.

mconcerned

Addicts use guilt very effectively. They have no shame or reluctance in saying things that a non addict would never say to someone they care about.

The 3-4 C's used to help understand is 1- you cannot Cure, 2- you cannot Change, 3- you cannot Control, 4- you cannot Contribute

#-s 1,2,3 sentences all end, "THE ADDICT", ie you cannot cure the addict. #4 ends, "TO THE ADDICTION". Meaning finacially, or otherwise.

You need to tell your boyfriend as hard as it is, that you do not wish to see him, its just too painful to see him killing himself and your relationship by using these drugs, and so you no longer wish to see him until he has found recovery. THen you forgive and love. If it happpens again, you do the same thing. you never say "If you use drugs one more time. etc", because ultimatems are a setup for failure and any ultimatem you give, you had better be ready to back it up. If its, out of the house, you better be prepared to see him out of the house. If its you get ready for work, you come home at 10pm and sleep in another room, then go to work by 7am, come back at 10 etc, you better be prepared to back it up.

Its such a tough and painful experience. I can assure you, if he is worth it to you, then this is a very loving thing for you to do. He will be thankful at some point in the days/months/years to come. your relationship will be filled with heartahe, pain, and lots of suffering by both of you if it continues as is. your family will not want you around, you will hear things like "you are invited over for thanksgiving dinner, but leave (---name of person--) home. They dont want things stolen or whatever, and even if he doesn't steal, they wont trust him. I mean seriously now is the time. Dont wait until you have 3-4 children who are all affected by him and then you have to divorce the guy. Its easy right now. (relative), it becomes logarithmically harder in years ahead, to get someone help, and deal with the fallout of the children, fmailies, etc. 7

mconcerned

By the way, have you heard the expression "love you to death" The mom is loving her son to death, and you are too. You and the mom need to get some help. I would call a local treatment facility and ask to come in and speak to them. Tell them what is going on, and let them give you some options. Remember this is a business. Its not the cops, or wont get you or him in trouble, you are doing this to get help for the two of you, and him. (you and his mother).

Do not love him to death by enabling the behavior. The TV show "intervention", as much as I dont like it because it fixes all these problems in an hour, but the one interventionist says some really great things like "today their problem will cease to be your problem, we are going to give it back to them" and "we are willing to fight for their life, and we are asking 'You" (the user) to join in the fight" Seriously, the mom and you doing all this has not made it better right? So, you have to change your approach. I wish you the best.

mconcerned

Hi, freckleface, you are in my thoughts and prayers for sure. Do you have an updae? I know the original post is a couple months old, so I was curious what is going on. Thanks

FreckleFace

Thank you all for your responses! I just feel the mind never matches up with the heart and I know that what is best for me and what I want out of life isn't this addictive lifestyle. But my heart always takes over telling me maybe its not quite time to leave his side yet. I really don't enjoy all of these curveballs life has given a lot of us and it is very unfortunate. It makes me sad to think that out of all my friends, none of them TRULY understand addiction and how hard it is to let go. None of them have had someone they love become addicted to drugs and that's why I cannot talk to my friends because yes their advice is nice and probably has truth to it but I feel I just shouldn't take advice from someone who has no idea of the hurdles we all go through. I just wonder why life had to give me two men I love so dearly and yet so hard to save. What could possibly be lifes message to me by dealing me these set of cards? Maybe the one good thing is that it made me want to take care of others who need and appreciate the help of taking care of them so that is why I am going into nursing school soon =/

crazybabie

You don't have to leave his side unless you decide too what you can do is try some meetings for yourself and figure out what you want one day at a time.

I found a song by Reba McEntire named She Can't Save Him, after I asked my AH to move out I listened to that song quite often. The words say it all.

Have you read Codependent No more by Melody Beattie ? Maybe pick up a copy it is a good book.

kmangel

I read recently that nurses are often enablers. It's the desire to help others that lands them in trouble with their relationships. It makes sense. It is fine to have a caretaker mentality at work--to be needed at work--but that's where it needs to stay. Your AB is not a project that you can fix. He can only fix himself. As long as you are there to pick up the pieces of the mess of his life he is making, why should he ever change? If the wheel aint broke, don't fix it. Of course, the wheel is broke, but he doesn't see it that way so he isn't going to do anything to fix it--at least not until the enablers in his life step out of the way and force him to deal with his own messes. The most loving thing you can do for your boyfriend is let him be responsible for his life.

My RAS is in a relationship with a nurse. He said when he disclosed to her his past addiction problems she was even more in to him than before. Red flag! I've spoken to her, for her to be wary of him, it's only been a year since he completed rehab. I hope for her sake she has a backbone and will send him on his way should he decide to fall back into drugs. When he first moved in with her, she nearly sent him packing as he began to relapse, but she gave him a second chance. That's okay--as long as it is only ONE chance he is given. If there is a next time I hope she follows through with getting him out of her house. I saw them last night and he seems fine--very stable and happy as they both seem stable and happy. Maybe they are going to make it after all.

outtolunch

Please get yourself tested for STDs. Crack and unprotected sex often go hand in hand.

There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Both he and his mom are manipulating you. Your choice to allow them to continue to do so , or not.

No reason to excuse stealing because of addiction. Call the Police and report theft. Get out of his way and give him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of his choices.