Needle Cap and Empty Baggie

Old 07-30-2012, 01:17 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm desperately trying to find employment. I just graduated from college and the search has been rough. I've been homeless since the tenth and staying with my grandparents when things with the AB get too....intense, I guess.
Tomorrow I do a walk through on a house with my best friend and we are supposedly going to be allowed to sign a lease and move in the first. He doesn't know where it is and I guess I'm going to try and keep it that way for now.
Everytime I try to think about the future I panic and I just see him with someone else saying everything was my fault and getting all sorts of sympathies....it kills me. I feel like an idiot for feeling like I'm in love with him....but it's been so long. Since 2004...and it's just not going to mean a thing.
You're right. Most mornings I wake up and Im angry that I did. And it gets worse when I break up with him. How does that make sense?
My best friend is exasperated with me...has been for a while...but even she admits he can be charming.
I feel insane.
Tonight I'm going out to a show with a new girl friend I've made. My goal is just to be. And to try to have a good time.
I feel....like I used to be something special...something strong and powerful. My mom always says I'm a force of nature...then how have I come to be his dizy confused mess of a pathetic sounding person? It's such an awful contrast. And I feel like he'll never realize what I really am or what all he's put me through. And I guess it's pride but I hate that too.
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Old 07-30-2012, 01:44 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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You know how special you are....just believe yourself. You're a wonderful person. His addiction will never let him acknowledge this because then he would actually realize what he's given up for this addiction of his. So he blames you or paints you in a bad light to others so that he can cope with losing you. But holding on to his addiction is his choice. Have fun tonight and I hope you and your best friend enjoy your new place! I'd be LOST without my true friends!
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Old 07-30-2012, 02:39 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Everything you are feeling , I have felt, everything your mom is saying to you , my mom has said to me. I think most of us feel that way.

It will take time, the first thing i had to do was stop beating myself up. You have to know that he will never be happy with anyone, he hates himself too much.

You are having a relationship with an addiction, not with him. He is gone, self serving and pleasure seeking. All he cares about is his next fix, you know that , maybe you just don't want to believe it. But eventually you will see it, I did, and I was at the bottom of the barrel.

This hurts, and it's hard, and it takes time. You are young, you will bounce back, I know you probably don't want to hear that right now, but it's the truth. One step at a time, listen carefully for that voice that wants to protect you.

I'm so glad you are looking for a place, and a job, it will come together. Try not to talk about this with friends you spend time with, al anon can be helpful, or a counselor if you can arrange that.

It's all going to be okay, just need time, i'm so so much better now than I was doing six months ago. xo
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Old 07-30-2012, 02:43 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HeWhoSleeps View Post
I feel like an idiot for feeling like I'm in love with him....but it's been so long. Since 2004...and it's just not going to mean a
Relationships with active addicts are like bad cars. Imagine it as a shiny car and you drive it off the lot. After awhile you realize you bought a lemon. You are now frequently paying for repairs. On top of that the car breaks down often leaving you stranded and humiliated. Unreliable transportation also affects your ability to be consistent in maintaining obligations. Yet, you wont give up on the car because it is paid for and all the money already invested in repairs;you keep thinking, this next repair will be the last, then the car will run right, but it never does. Eventually you realize your choices are, 1) take the loss and walk away, that money spent will never come back one way or another; and future money could be better spent on a reliable vehicle. OR 2) hold onto the car and continue worrying about where you will be next time it breaks down and how much more in repairs you will have to spend.

You ARE something special. You CAN find your power and your strength again. Really the war is all in your head, one day you will realize, just as I did, that you had the power all along. You have the power right now, you are the strong one in the relationship. You are not relying on drugs to get through your day and you are surviving this he77. You have a flair for expressing yourself in writing which indicates intelligence. You can do this, now get up and show the world what you are really made of.

PS: who cares what he says to the next victim he dupes into a relationship. My husband butt dialed me from a Hooters and I heard him talking all kinds of smack about me. LOL! It makes me laugh to think how pathetic. :rotfxko after 18 years, someone else can have him. I'm FREE!!!
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