FenwayFaithful

You're probably all thinking "Oh God this girl again and for goodness sake WHy is she still with him!?" But...

I need you guys to tell me I need to leave him.

I know I need to leave him. I know I deserve better.

I know no matter what he says no matter how hard he tries to convince me he isn't that he’s probably using. I know now matter how much I want to believe what he tells me he’s probably lying. I know that even though I know he loves me (and he does please don’t argue with me about that) but I know even tho he does love me, it isn’t enough.

All his money is disappearing. He was arrested 3 months ago for a B&E that he “didn’t do” when he “wasn’t using” his Mom found a needle in his friends backpack in his apartment which “weren’t his”… we got in a huge blow out the other day and he went on a walk after saying he felt like using but he was gone for 4 hours, he didn’t seem high when he got back but who goes on a walk for 4 hours and doesn’t end up somewhere? And he’s obviously hanging out with people who ARE using. Which probably means so is he.

There are signs and then there are his excuses. He shows me his passed drug tests but those are easy to pass since he knows when his probation meetings are. And he has been my best friend for a long time and I know I deserve better and I need to walk away right now but it’s so hard because his excuses/lies that seem so believable because I do love him.

I know it’s hard because I’m codependent and terrified of being alone and that’s no reason to stay with anyone. So lay it on me. I know you’ve said it all before but those threads were deleted a while back per my request but I need to hear it again.

I know this needs to be done I just need a bit of motivation to do it. I’m not in the same place I was when I posted here before. I’m in a place where I know this needs to be over and I know he’s got to be lying to me.

So I know you've all exhausted yourselves telling me this three months ago and you're probably rolling your eyes thinking "Well she's not going to listen anyway" but I just need to hear it all again, I need a reality check and the push forward to end this toxic relationship.

farfaraway

You need to love yourself. And love is a verb. If it were something you did actively, you'd be far away from the guy.

His lies are not the problem. The problem is that you can't believe what he says, and you don't have enough love for yourself to perform what would be the next natural step. And his presence or absence will not make much difference until you make the change in yourself!

zoso77

There are worse things than being alone.

For example, in my case, I don't miss my AXGF's lying. Or her gaslighting. Or her efforts to turn the tables back on me whenever I called her out on her BS. I don't miss her hypocrisy, her manipulation, her sadism. And I am thankful every day that she stopped hiding what she truly is, which is a sick, twisted, Borderline cancer. That made it easy for me to say to myself, "enough".

So, yeah, I'm alone. But I'm using the time I am alone to work on myself. It's a time for growth and for getting honest with myself about my tendencies and why I did what I did. But although I am alone, I'm not lonely.

FF, only you can decide to leave your ABF. And, yes, maybe you're truly afraid to do it. Maybe you truly are afraid of being alone. The alternative is living the way you are now. If you had a younger sister in your shoes, how would that make you feel? Wouldn't you want her to make better choices, or at the very least more sophisticated mistakes? Of course you would, but you can't make her want that for herself.

No one ever said doing the right thing was easy. Leaving your ABF won't be easy. But the payoff for making the right choice, the brave call, comes later. Trust me on this.

ZoSo

lesliej

a short five months ago I was totally heart broken but knew I had to walk away...I depended on the community of recovering codependents to help me know it was the right thing. you are not alone.

I hear my own laughter all the time now. I wake alone, without feeling lonely, and am grateful for my beautiful life. I don't have to have anxiety anymore about whether I am being lied to, whether I am enabling, whether I am being manipulated, whether I am in denial...

I finally just LET GO, and it was the healthiest thing I could do for my one beautiful life.

doesn't mean I don't care about him, love him, and still I pray for his recovery. but I am free to follow the purpose of my spirit and not let myself be dragged down into the hell of addiction anymore.

whatever you do, I pray you find as much peace, relief, joy and healthy outlook on your life

Learn2Live

He is lying to you. All addicts lie. They lie all the time. They lie when they don't need to lie. They LIVE a lie. You are living with a LIE. You are living a lie. You do not know how SICK it is making you.

GET. OUT.

FenwayFaithful

He always manages to turn it around on me. Every time we have a conversation. Every time I try and get an honest answer out him or confront him about something he turns it around on me somehow. I end apologizing to him. Or I get sick of it walk away or he gets sick of it and walks way because I don't believe his lies and then two days later he's calling cry about how I'm the best thing in his life and his best friend and the only girl in the world for him and he can't live his life without me and he's crying and I take him back. Like just today what made me say this is the final straw is I found out he's been hanging out with someone who I know does nothing but get high all day. (He's scum, he takes advantage of girls, commits crimes) and when I confronted him about hanging out with this guy he got all angry at ME because how could I believe this *insert a million vulgar terms her* who told me that he was with this guy but not believe him that guy I've known for years and love. It always about everyone else not about him, he's saying the girl who told me is trying to destroy our relationship and I said he's destroyed it himself by using and lying. (Of course I got I'm not F'n using when I said that)

So basically we left it at I'm terrible for not having faith in him and how dare I because he didn't go to this kids house even tho we all know he did and how could I bring this up to him before he has to work and how selfish that is and why couldn't I just wait until tonight? It is an important day at work for him so we aren't officially broken up be he knows it's coming I just have to keep my head straight when we talk because he's very good at talking me out of it he's just so good at TALKING and lying.

I need to go completely NC it's just so hard with all the social media out there. Plus I can't help but feel like I owe him a goodbye after all we've been through together. He's not a bad person, he's just a sick person. Too sick to be what I need him to be but he has a good heart.

Thlayli

Have you been to Al-anon yet? It may be helpful. It's frustrating because no one really tells you what you should do but there really is nothing like talking to people in person and hearing people in person.

I'm uncomfortable with telling people to go no contact or telling people to leave just because I know that my reaction to other people doing that to me was to just dig in my heels and think of all the reasons they were wrong. I felt like I had to defend myself and our relationship.

LuvMySis

What it boils down to is this . . . how much more of this bullsh!t are you willing to put up with? He's proven that he's not willing to change his bad behavior. In fact, he's still saying that you're the one who needs to change.

Learn2Live

I really needed to read this today. Thank you Anvil.

outtolunch

What in the world are you doing with a convicted felon who a few short months ago was arrested for running from a shopping cart full of stolen goods and since then has been arrested for B&E.

Do you plan on being one of " those women" who moves and visits their man in prison, wherever the system moves him within the state?

Vale

drama, chaos, multiple break ups, lying, using, stealing, anger, fights,control,
violence...

....I'm with Anvil!

(if this is 'love'.....maybe it's time to try a little hate?!)

lisasneeze

Oh honey, you need not just leave but go running for the hills!!!!!

Remember addicts are masterful on playing on your emotions. They can be the most passionate and best lovers at times but don't let it fool you one bit because the flip side of that is a a demon of which the likes you cannot contend with and cannot change.

They LIE LIE LIE!!!! "That wasn't my drugs." "I only messed up that one time." "It was someone Else's idea, they put it in my face." the list goes on and the reality is that it is all them and they will continue to lie and manipulate you if they know it works and than at times they will be honest when they know they are busted and they will try partial honesty on for size just to keep you around a little longer.

Here is my therapy for you just for today. Roll up your sleeves so they don't get messy from the B.S. your addict will put you through today and go listen to Ray Charles "Hit the Road Jack." Most of all start taking an initiative to love yourself and fight for your own happiness because you deserve it and the addict will not provide it long term.

stairs

Maybe you are partly "addicted" to the drama. I know I was. It was hard for me to admit. Just a thought.

Learn2Live

Fenway, if you stop talking to him, he can't turn it around on you.

I remember early on in my recovery, I was with this guy who was a crack addict. Engaged to him. He relapsed and did some horrible, horrible things that affected me physically, mentally, emotionally. I was so devastated I nearly lost my life. Literally. And I remember making my way to Al-Anon, somehow, by the Grace of God, and learning Detachment. Anyway, I was a mess. And I remember not being able to make a decision about this relationship. I KNEW it was bad for me, I KNEW I needed to get out to save myself, but for some reason, I didn't want to be the one to make the decision. I kept looking to him to make it happen. And he never did make it happen. It was like I was AFRAID to be the one to make the decision. So I remained stuck.

Leap, Fenway, and the net will appear.

FenwayFaithful

For the record it is the shopping cart guy but the b&e was the same crime so he wasn't arrested again. But its bren a rapid decline since then for the first month he was out he went to a 2 week program and then meetings every day he stopped drinking and started hanging out with better peopleand id ended it but I missed him and was trying so I took him back it was stupid buy I thought he deserved another chance but then the lied started and money started disappearing and we starter fighting every day I should have walked away 3 months ago but I thought things could be likebefthey were before he got arrested but I'm on my phone so need to save rest of this post for later

PrayingMama

I know that addicts lie. And addicts know it, too. My RAS said to me not long ago that he thinks he may be addicted to lying, it's such an ingrained habit. He said, "Mom, I lie when I don't even have to. How f****** up is that?"

I told him I thought it was pretty f***** up, but how did I know he was telling me the truth?

We both just laughed kind of sadly.

washbe2

FernwayFaithful, I feel for you, friend, but this isn't the kind of man you want for the father of your future children. You may have to block his number or change your number if it's too difficult to know he is calling and being strong enough to not answer.

Can you find anyone who thinks this is a good relationship for you? No, we are not rolling our eyes about how could you still be in that relationship. We, too, have hung in there far too long trying to fix our addicts whether it be a boyfriend, spouse or child. That's why you may hear some fairly strong words spoken on this board from time to time. It's difficult to watch someone else making the same mistakes so many of us have made over and over.

Wouldn't it be nice to take care of yourself (myself) for a while? Eliminate that anxiety that almost always exist when you are with an addict? There are things much worse than being alone! Living with an addict is one of them! And who knows? Mr. Right just may come along some day, but you'll never know as long as you are living a nightmare. I care.

octoberrain

anvil said it. "just re-read your own post, hon. YOU said it all. maybe what you really want is someone to tell you it's OK? it's OK to leave an unhealthy relationship? hell it's OK to leave a healthy relationship!

octoberrain

How do you know why an addict is lying? Their lips are moving!

FindingErica

I just want to second what Learn2Live said. No contact really can be a lifesaver. I went no contact with AH because his barrage of texts and rambling calls put me in a vulnerable place and I could not see clearly or get a grip. I went complete no contact for two weeks and at the end I felt much stronger and clearer. When i allowed contact again he played all kinds of manipulation games. Currently he can only contact me by email, and even that way he gets under my skin at times and makes me doubt or feel bad to some degree but definately not like before. My gauge that I am on the right tract... My anxiety is waaaaay down, I sleep good again, I have an appetite.

When reading your original post I think that love shouldn't take that much work and emotional drama. Let me break it down for you the way my brother broke it down for me. Literally he got right in my face and made eye contact and said, "Sis, that person (your husband) is when he let his guard down at my house, who snuck around doing drugs, who talks bad to you, that's HIM, thats the real deal right there. Do you want to be with that person? If not why are we even discussing it?". My brother is an RA and he gives it to me straight and direct, kind of like how Anvilhead does because he knows in a way you or I will never understand. He know how the addict mind works and what real recovery looks like. He knows how addicts lie. It took me awhile to understand that almost everything out of my husbands mouth is a lie and/or manipulation. He says words like love, miss, need regarding me and the kids but usually follows it with inaction or more pleas for money.

See the thing is, you know who and what he is, it is all over your posts. But you choose to believe the fantasy he spins when he talks to you. From your posts, he has not changed since last time you were here. He tells you he loves you but he does nothing to earn that love, he has not stopped using so he can step up and be an equal giving member of the relationship. How much more of your life are you going to throw away on fools gold?