Fandy

I need to go completely NC it's just so hard with all the social media out there. Plus I can't help but feel like I owe him a goodbye after all we've been through together. He's not a bad person, he's just a sick person. Too sick to be what I need him to be but he has a good heart.

maybe you want to stop LYING to yourself.....nope he's NOT a good person, he's a selfish person who would sell your "relationship" down the river in a heartbeat to get what he really wants.

You don't owe him poop-ola. You owe yourself some self-respect and attention. For the record, I'm the recovering alcoholic. (Mr. Fandy had a gambling addiction he loved much more than me, i find a lot of similarities here that are helpful).

you talk a lot about "his important day at work" and what HE does to cope with fights, but you seem to be ignoring yourself. No one can make you take care of yourself, but I think self-preservation will kick in and you will grow a backbone...you ARE worth 10 of him.

But first stop romantisiing this liar.....he does not deserve you and life is to be lived and enjoyed....not endured. what is so special about him that you believe all the crap and allow the manipulation?

i wish you the best for YOURSELF, kick him to the curb and watch how fast he sucks in someone else, or continues lying to his family.

Vale

I can only speak for myself.No contact is a lifesaver.The further you get
From the situation the sicker it seems----because no contact clears the
mind.Yes social media complicates things.I have pre-decided that if
the addict I car(ed) about pops up with a PM on my Facebook page,
then my FB page 'disappears' that day.Changing my phone number was
the best thing I ever did.
I think the reason it hasn't happened is even THEY don't want the sting
of such a personal rejection......if it is just a single mode of communication,
it can always be explained away as a technical fault/mistake.
Unlike some,I still feel there is a human being inside that does not want
to know that someone who used to run to her aid is now taking affirmative
(and even personally costly) steps to avoid her.It has nothing to do with hurting
her feelings or retaliation.

I just reserve the right to protect my boundaries.

Vale

Repeat post.....sorry!

FenwayFaithful

Sorry it’s been a bit since I’ve replied. I was on a business trip and only had access to my phone.

A little update on my situation is he has just admitted (after about 4 days of NC that he’s been doing Coke), that was at that kid’s house and that it’s where all his money went. He also said he loves me but he understand if I need to walk away because I deserve better but that it will be the biggest loss of his life.

So at least I finally got some honestly. Although we all already knew he was using.

I told him I’m done that I can’t do this, that I couldn’t be with him. He says he’s looked into a program, 1-week detox, 2 months in a treatment center and then 6 months in a halfway house and he understands if I can’t stick by him through that but that he loves me so much.

I told him being with him won’t be good for us, won’t be good for me or for him. And I know it’s true but … it’s just really hard to walk away completely. It feels like he needs me now more then ever, even if it isn’t as a girlfriend.

I know I can’t help him, that I can’t fix him, and that it’s not up to me to try but…I can’t help but feeling like I have a responsibility to at least be there fore him as a friend. But I know this is way to complicated.

I just feel guilty for walking away. I know he made his choices but I honestly don’t think addicts are bad people. I think they’re just sick…

I know I won’t miss the lying, the fights, the harsh words, the worry every time I can’t get in touch with him….but there are things that I will miss. I just feel my best when I’m in a relationship, and I really hate being alone. Not having someone to go out with and to visit me when I’m 3 hours away from everyone and everything I know while in school…

I just like having someone to take care of, someone to take care of me, someone that I'm comfortable being intimate with, someone that I can talk to personal things about, someone who understands me, someone I can dress up for and just feel really good when I'm with. And he was all those things for me.

As is pretty obvious to you all I have some pretty serious self-esteem issues. I don’t make friends easily. And my ABF really has become my best friend in the past 2 years…and before he stared using again we had so many good times…and even since he's started using we've have had some really great times together where he made me feel like the most important, beautiful, amazing girl in the world. Like I was worth everything to him you know? It was just nice to be made to feel like I'm worth something to someone.

I know I need to go completely NC but it just seems so difficult… I would really really miss him. Bad. I feel completely alone 3 hours away from Boston, because I am. I don’t know anyone out there. He was really my only form of social contact every day…sure I talked to my friends for 45 minutes or an hour here or there but it’s just not the same. And they never visited.

But that’s obviously a stupid reason to stay with someone. It’s just life is going to be so lonely without him… he’s been such a huge part of my life and despite all the f’d up **** that’s gone down I’m really going to miss him and I’m not sure how to go about filling that hole.

And perhaps I am addicted to the drama. I think I’m addicted to trying to fix someone. To trying to be good enough, or important enough to make someone happy or keep them from using even tho I know it doesn’t work like that.

But it’s all out on the table now. He’s told me how it really is. But Hell maybe it’s only the half truth. But he’s blown several hundred dollars on Coke and I guess once an addict always an addict. Don’t make him a bad person neccasarrily but it doesn’t make him a good person to have a relationship with.

(On a side note I'm really proud of myself for staying sober through all this I even walked down to the Packie and bought a half pint last night when he told me, but then I said to myself is this really what you want? And poured it down the drain and went to a meeting)

lesliej

hey fenway...you may want to read my recent post because it deals with re-wounding contact and poor self esteem.

locating yourself on the emotional map, and knowing your self is part of recovery.

I knew when I walked away that I would have to go through the process of rebuilding myself, that I would have to grieve, that I would be lonely, that it would probably take a while before there was the possibility of perhaps another relationship of love/romance.

and I also knew that the longer it took me to start the longer it would take me to get somewhere better. I want to work on myself and rebuild myself and love myself enough to believe that I do deserve a loving relationship that does NOT include crack, lying, blaming and manipulation.

sure there were a lot of beautiful things about the man I loved, and there were also some horrible things because he is an addict. even if he starts recovery NOW and sticks with it for a long long time...it will take a long time before he loses all the other things that were awful...the drugs are but a symptom of a spiritual mental sickness

so...why not start now?
if it is really meant to be with this guy then you will do best to work on yourself...
if it is really meant to be than he will find recovery and you can live happily together...but if he gets better and you don't then he will end up leaving anyway! that was one of the "reasonings" I used to help myself get out of my situation
I knew that the longer I was with him the sicker I would become as a codependent...
we often become sicker than the addict

I knew that, if by some miracle, he did find recovery then he would have disdain for the codependent in me!!! LOL...I know it's a little twisted but it IS true too.

you have to at least do the work so that you love yourself enough to know that you do not deserve lies and manipulation!!! raise the bar at least that high and roll up your sleeves and get to work!

we are not alone...and we won't be alone on the path of recovery

lesliej

also...no contact is the way...it sounds like your guy is just like my ex who has the capacity to speak in pseudo-loving-recovery speak...just in time to try to reel you back in...they keep you hooked on the "what if" and make you think about staying by "understanding if you need to go"

they put the emotional owe-ness on you and it's totally manipulative...totally

FenwayFaithful

So we just spent 4 hours on the phone but I still don’t know where we stand.

He keeps saying it’s okay to walk away but then he starts about how he can’t imagine his life without me. And how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. And how he wants so badly to be better for me and to be the man he used to be.

Part of me is still holding on to who he was for the first year of our relationship. The rest of me is realizing that this is who he is. And he’s an addict. And I can’t expose myself or have children with a man who is 28 years old and still acts like a child.

But it’s so hard to let go of all the good. Those of you with addicts in your lives might know what I’m talking about. How they can make you feel so amazing and like the most important person in the world.

I want to just walk away. I want to be strong enough just to stay this is over don’t contact me again and honestly wish him the best of luck in his recovery. Because I do want him to get better and like Leslie is saying maybe in the future we can establish a friendship or something…but for now I know it’s best to go NC.

It’s just so hard. I’ve talked to him every single day for the past two years. He’s been the most supportive person my life up until recently. He’s been helping me through the stress of graduate school and personal family issues. I just can’t imagine what I’m going to do without his support.

And I just worry about him too. I mean he’s suicidal, that much is obvious. He says that he feels horrible about doing Coke, about hurting me, about becoming the person he never wanted to be again. And I know what it’s like to be there too. I did some horrible things when I was drinking to the people who love me. I’ve damaged some relationships, which will never be the same again.

And I really truly feel so horribly guilty for that. It’s so hard for me having been on the other side of this. I know what kind of pain he’s going through.

He’s checking himself into a program through his PO so…NC would be easy. I mean not easy emotionally…just the logistics behind it… I just…I don’t know. It’s so stupid. I know this can’t last but at the same time I don’t want to let it go.

I just wish I’d never gotten involved with this guy. I just thought he was better then what his past showed. I’m always trying to find the best on people.

I don’t think he’ll ever recover. He stood to lose so much this time around and look where he is now. The sad things is a lot of addicts just can’t recover and I think he’s one of them.

I just don’t know why I feel so a strong urge to have him in my life. I’ve just gotten so comfortable with him, my life would feel so empty without him. I really mean that…sometimes it feels like I have nothing else but a coke-addicted criminal addict boyfriend.

And it’s wicked hard. As f'd up as it is ... it's like with him I know what to expect...but being alone...it's...new and scary and so painful just to think about.

How did you guys do it? How did you learn to just let go of these people you'd made the most important person in your life for so long? The truth is I think I'm addicted to being needed by him. It makes me feel...useful or worth something, whatever. And sometimes when we're together it's like we're the only two people in the world and I feel completely comfortable and content.

Then rest of the time I'm terrified about who he's with if I'm getting a call from the BPD if I'm getting a call that he overdosed and is dead in the street somewhere...so why the hell does it feel like the 25 percent of the time he makes me feel amazing makes up for the 75 percent of the time he makes me feel awful?

I mean I'm a graduate student with a good job, I'm sober and I'm really trying to better my life he's...well he isn't.
( I need years of intensive therapy, lol)

crazybabie

In one of your post you said someone to get dressed up for, hon get dressed up for YOU.

You have said many things even admitted the need too take care of how about get a pet?

Pets are wonderful company, loyal, and love unconditional

FindingErica

You dont know where you stand because you just spent 4 hours being manipulated and FOGged. I was able to leave my AH when I stopped asking him for permission, because first he was never going to give it and second, most important, it wasn't his to give. When I realized I had the power all along to leave without notice to him, it was empowering. My low point in leaving was when I went down to the courthouse to get an order of protection and instead ended up sitting in the lobby, calling him and sobbing on the phone for over an hour. Because really at that point I was too afraid to leave him, of being alone and I wanted him to give me promises that he was going to change, and everything was going to be better. He gave me all the lines about how he needed me and I needed to help him be better... Bla bla bla. When I changed my mind to stay with him, I felt such relief, I no longer had to do any difficult work, but I felt something inside me dying. In my heart I knew nothing was going to change and in fact would probably be worse because he now knew how close I could come to leaving and the control would tighten. I wanted to believe the fairy tale he was spinning. I left when I went no contact and stopped asking, and started taking action.

Here's the straight poop, this is your decision, you make it. You want something out of life, take it. It is going to hurt, either way, one will be the temporary hurt of getting over the relationship; the other will be the long term hurt of watching someone manipulate you, do drugs and all the other stuff that has been doing. But either way know that all along the choice is and has always been yours.

PrayingMama

Dear Fenway,

You ask why you have such a strong urge to keep him in your life, and you ask how do people learn to let go?

I can only answer as the mother of a 21-year-old RAS. The strong urge to keep my son in my life is, obviously, because he is my beloved son. It's only natural. And not just because of the maternal/child bond, but because my son, when he is clean and sober, is an absolute delight. Intelligent, articulate, sensitive, gentle, soft-spoken but outgoing, funny, interesting, interested in all sorts of things--I think you get the point. Our qualifiers did not enter our lives, or exit our wombs, as full-blown a**holes. They were loveable and likeable, or chances are--where spouses and significant others are concerned--we would not have let them into our lives. We are all here on SR because of loved ones. We do not suffer over the fate of people we care nothing about.

I learned the tremendously difficult practice of letting go because when I understood that it was the most loving thing I could do for my son, there was no other option for me. It does not guarantee anything other than my own hard-won peace, and the deep knowledge that I am doing what is best for my son, no matter the outcome.

Letting go also, for me, includes mourning the loss of the child I knew, the dreams I had, the way I assumed his life would evolve, etc. And as far as stages of grief are concerned, I think I'm somewhere between "holy s***" and "WTF." (Those two may not be listed in the official handbook, but they work for me. )

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you sound well-grounded and willing to face what is difficult. I hope you have in-person support around you.

Blessings and peace to you.

dollydo

Honestly, it sounds like you are "Love Sick"...is this guy your first serious relationship?

If you really want to let go and move forward you will go no contact. There really is no future with an active user who is a convicted felon.

Get out, join a club, meet new people, keep going to meetings, take a walk, read a book do whatever it takes to free yourself from him and his toxic lifestyle.

BeavsDad

Sunshine2

This is ALL about what you want. It sounds as if you feel you have to give in to what HE wants, what HE needs. Telling you in one breath that it is OK to walk away and in the next breath how much he loves you, is manipulation on his side, not love.

For many years I lived my life according to what the men wanted from me. I looked for the ones that were in trouble and then tried to rescue them. Not only did I want to rescue them, I felt it was my RESPONSIBILITY to do so.

You cannot rescue him, nor is it your responsibility to do so. You are as important as he is. You owe a better life to yourself and you deserve it. Do you want to look back in 10 years and regret the time you wasted on this relationship?

lesliej

Fenway...

there are a lot of ways that you can help yourself "let go"
maybe don't think of it as "years of intensive therapy" but start with one day at a time

I needed A LOT of help letting go. I have a therapist that I see once a month (it's all I can afford...) and there are sliding fee scale places to find this
I have a sponsor and friends in the fellowship of recovery...both in Al Anon and AA
And I have been part of this SR community for five months now.

When we are in the thick of codependency we simply cannot see clearly...we are in the FOG of manipulation and addiction. One of the ways that this, OUR addiction, can be really reinforced is through the intermittent push/pull, cast off/reel in methods of "love" connection. Love in itself is usually considered a good thing, but we as human beings are imperfect and we can use it to hurt and abuse and addict other people. At times we are desperate for that love. Babies who don't get love DIE. We NEED it as human beings...but when our source of love is within an addict/codependent relationship then we are in trouble.

The reason the 25% "what if" technique is SO SO strong of a pull/urge/addiction/fear is that it is intermittent...this in/out manipulative technique reinforces your fear and addiction to him. He doesn't even need to have an ounce of intelligence or intent to be using this "technique" it just evolved in your unhealthy relationship because it WORKS.

He can act all kind and understanding and "loving" by telling you that "you can walk away" (implying that it is your fault that you are "leaving love") and then back it up by telling you how much he loves you...that he "can't imagine" life without you...while you are so heartless as to walk away from him...BS! that, my dear, is pure F.O.G.

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

How do you let go? Keep connecting with people in recovery. Treat yourself to the love of a sponsor. A good sponsor won't even necessarily tell you to leave him...because we are all really here just as witnesses to each others lives...to help each other make healthy life affirming choices.

How do you let go? Also, might I humbly suggest praying? I am not a religious person, however I am very spiritual. There have been times, even being surrounded by so many caring helpful people, when the only thing that saw me through a wall of pain and fear was a prayer and asking the spirit of the universe for help.

Surrender.

Life is not meant to be this painful...
this is YOUR life, and you are spending it in an unhealthy connection with an addict.

Why not let both of you have the freedom to take some time to recover? Let Go.

FenwayFaithful

FindingErica: I can totally relate to that 100 percent and I’m sorry you’ve gone through this as well. That’s exactly how I feel. I can’t marry my ABF, I can’t have children with him. I’ve always known that. I always knew there was no real future. We just started out as “intimate friends “ I still wasn’t over my ex, he had some issues of his own and we never planned for a relationship. It just sort of happened. I just never expected to get so used to it and to actually begin to care about him so deeply b/c I knew that risks of what that would mean. And it’s how I feel I want to hear him say the right things, to comfort me and he always does know exactly what to say. But it isn’t really fair of him to ask me to stay is it? He knows deep down that I deserve better and I know deep down that I do too even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I don’t know why the choice is so difficult. I’ve always known I’d have to walk away…. I just never thought it would be this hard.

Praying Mama- I am really sorry to hear about your son. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. As tough as things might be for me, I can’t even imagine what they are like for my ABF’s Mother who has been the one person to stick by him for the past 28 years. You are correct that it is so hard to let go of the parts we love about our addicts. But you are also correct that perhaps the best thing I can do is stop enabling his behavior. And let him work on himself. Maybe it’s selfish of both of us to stick around. We’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

DollyDo: This is not my first serious relationship. I was in an extremely serious relationship for over 3 years with a guy in the military. He also had some pretty serious issues as well. He started abusing painkillers after his 2nd tour in Iraq about 2.5 years after we started dating. That relationship left me extremely heart broken and damaged/broken. It was almost a year after he walked away (by simply never talking to me again with no word or official break up) that I started seriously dating my ABF. If you go through my older posts, you can see some of my history with him from 2009. This relationship was more serious then the one I currently have with my ABF. It is however really difficult for me to meet people. I mean yeah I can get hit on by guys and yeah I can probably get one of them to take me out on a couple dates but the reasoning for that is because they jus want to get laid. Maybe that’s a cynical view but it’s true in 95 percent of cases. It’s just really difficult for me to develop a relationship wit someone weather they be male or female. I do run quite a bit, but at the end of the night when I’m lying in bed all I wanna do is talk to my ABF.

Sunshine 2: You’re 100 percent right. It’s just so hard for me to stop thinking about him and start thinking about me. Especially when he can make me feel so great. Especially when (yes to manipulate me) he brings up all the times when he’s made me feel amazing. And these things make me want to stay for the times when I feel great but then I think here’s this guy doing coke and lying and getting arrested. I can eventually maybe find a guy who can make me feel that good without all this drama. I guess I just fear that this is the best I’ll ever do and it’s my ABF or being alone for the rest of my life. (Even tho I’m only 23 and probably have plenty of time left)

LeslieJ: Money is right for me as well but perhaps I could find a therapist free through school. UMASS gives you lots of student benefits one of them being health insurance. I complete see what you mean about the FOG concept. He makes me fee l like I’d be doing something wrong my leaving. Like it’d have something to feel guilty about. But it’s not 100 percent about him either. Because the truth is if I did walk away I’d feel really sand and I really would miss him and what we have or had. I’ve never been a religious or spiritual program. I’ve gone to AA but never Al-Anon but perhaps I’ll look into that . It can’t hurt.

CrazyBabie: For me I don't see the point in getting dressed up for myself. Maybe thats my problem, I don't see the point in doing anything for me.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

crazybabie

(Even tho I’m only 23 and probably have plenty of time left)

Hon, you have plenty of time my daughter is 22 and she has finally started dating different people instead of being in relationships.

I have time and I am 46... When I was your age I had my second child by my AH, I originally joined here because of our oldest AS, however I now see my husband has always been an addict he has smoked marijuana since he was 12.

I was concerned about being alone I have been with him for 31 years I figured at my age it was too late to start over a lady I know is in her 70's and dating so I know I have time and even if I never date again I have ME and my dignity.

Pock89

I remember feeling like I was addicted to my boyfriend. I was addicted to the drama, to the chaos, to the roller coaster ride that addicts brings their loved ones on. My boyfriend is doing well right now, but as we know all too well, tomorrow could be a completely different story.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I know for me, my sobriety comes first in my life. I deal with stress by drinking. So while my boyfriend is doing well now, if he relapses and starts causing that all too familiar chaos in my life again, for my own recovery, I will have to leave.
What are you doing for YOU? You've mentioned that you're sober. Are you focusing on your recovery?

When my boyfriend first went away to live in a sober house (it was a 6 month program), we broke up so he could work on himself. I remember when we first broke up, it was hell for me. It was similar to detoxing & withdrawals. I was physically sick to my stomach. I was emotionally bankrupt. But I realized that I was addicted to him, and just like recovering from my alcoholism, I had to begin recovering from my addiction to him. It takes time but you will heal. You deserve so much more.
Addicts are not bad people. I have addiction problems and I would hate to have people think I'm a bad person because of my disease. Addicts are sick people, who do bad things when in active addiction.
But do you want the chaos in your life? Do you want to deal with the day to day struggles of loving an addict? You said you know there is no future with you two. You said you couldn't have children with him, couldn't marry him. So my question to you is, if you know there is no future there, why are you wasting your time?

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Much love.

FindingErica

At least you know where things stand future wise. I was hit with this stuff almost 2 decades, 3 children, 1 expensive house and multiple joint bills into it. The thing is, he has a long history of being reliable, but now he is a liar and he used his history to reel me in. If I hadn't followed my gut... And believe me I did it crying, shaking, panicking, questioning the whole way... I would have found out too late he was lying through his teeth. get support, reliable people who will be there for you.

It's not fair of him to ask you to stay. Relationships are not something we are supposed to be trapped in.