ArmyOfOne

I see everyone's point.

I am just getting conflicting information on this issue. On one hand I am being told that I need to be there for support but nothing more. On the other hand I am reading that I can't take a back seat and need to facilitate. And since its the early stages, she is not being active. But once she gets involved in the process there are chances for her to become more active.

kmangel

Support, but not doing it for her. Once she makes the calls, perhaps she'll discuss what she has found with you. She still needs to be the one making the final decision. It's her life, her illness. She is an adult. Give her the right to act like one. If you do it for her then she will not be motivated to do the work even if she goes to rehab. If she refuses to make the calls, then she will refuse to do the recovery work, too, IMO.

ArmyOfOne

Today she missed her first phone therapy session (she already went to one in person session Monday). She seemed upset that she forgot about it when I reminded her. She kept asking me not to be upset at her. which I am not, just disappointed.

Now my question is how should I react? What would constitute 'doing it for her' vs. 'supporting her'. My personal inkling is to get angry and force her to reschedule. But I am holding myself back and giving myself some time to figure out how I should react or behave with her. Do I show disappoint through my actions or just go about like nothing happened???

The hardest part of this all is trying to love someone who keeps hurting you over and over and keeps lying. And on the flip side hating someone who you have spent 6 years with.

Please help....I am very confused

JFMariani

Others are much better at advice then me but to me if she was ready to get better she would not have forgotten. I have learned that those that ate ready do almost a 180. Stay strong through this. Listen to those here with more experience.

Nina Kay

You cannot control her or what she does. IMO, you would be doing the healthiest thing to focus on what is best & right for you & your babies.

crazybabie

Doing for her is doing anything she is capable of doing herself she is capable of making calls, attending meetings, knowing when her appointments are just to name a few. There will be times that in your mind you will think she is not capable trust me she is.

You can support her by Letting her talk if SHE chooses.
Let Them Talk
People often worry that they don't know enough about addiction to know the right thing to say, and fall into the trap of blaming the family member or the user. Allowing the close family members of someone with alcohol or drug problems to talk about their experiences, and listening non-judgementally to what they say, is far more helpful.

There will be others that know more ways of support I suppose.

The hardest part of this all is trying to love someone who keeps hurting you over and over and keeps lying. And on the flip side hating someone who you have spent 6 years with.

I know this feeling all too well I have been with my AH since I was 15 and him 16 we are now in our 40's I had him move out of the house and he did. I am at that place of love/hate right now.

kmangel

You did right in taking time to think the situation through. You can diffuse your anger a bit by not reacting right away.

It is very frustrating because you want her to want to do the right thing as much as you want her to do the right thing. There's nothing you can do or say to make her take responsibility. It's either there or it's not. You can respond "So what now? What are you going to do about the missed phone appointment?" And then leave it to her to reschedule it. Try to keep all anger/disappointment out of your voice. And accept whatever she does about it--whether you like it or not. Once she shows you where her heart is then you can proceed, but for now wait and see.

Learn2Live

This indicates that she is not serious about working on herself. We often stay on "red alert" and hyper-focus on their behavior and try to figure out why they did one thing or another, or why they didn't do something we think they should do, and what the behavior means, and what this means for our relationship, etc, etc, etc. It is best to shift the focus onto yourself, by attending Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon, so that you can learn the tools you need to learn to be as healthy as possible for your self and your children.

The answer to your question is, you should NOT react. By trying to figure out how you should react, what you should do, etc, are you not actually trying to figure out how to control the addict? You cannot control anyone but yourself.

Doing anything a grown adult is physically capable of doing herself is Enabling. It is a trap to think that you can support an alcoholic or an addict in their Recovery. You cannot. The best thing you can do for HER, is for you to work on your SELF and your OWN Recovery.

It simply does not matter one little itsy bitsy bit how you act or react or behave with her. She is going to do what she is going to do, no matter what you say, how you act, what you do, what you do for her, no matter how many tears you cry, bottles you throw, or threats you make.

Yes, the things they do are harmful, hurtful, and horrible. For both you and those little children. And they simply do not care that they hurting anyone. No matter what they SAY, they do not care.

You are confused because you are mired in SICKNESS and you do not have the tools or the knowledge to pull yourself out. Please go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and start working your own program of Recovery. Trust me, it is the most loving and healthiest thing you can do for your children.