My own selfishness with his addiction

Old 07-25-2012, 10:34 AM
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My own selfishness with his addiction

So I'm new here, though I posted in the friends and family of alcoholics. My now unsure if is an ex or current (were on a "break" whatever that means...) I am a 19 year old high school graduate, in nursing school, and a mother of a 1 year old whose father is a tramadol and other pills addict, also an alcoholic. Now this was a rather serious event in our families lives. He forged prescriptions and was offered either rehab or jail. So rehab it was...and for 5 months. Its been a month that hes lived with my parents and I now. A month since hes been out of the halfway house. A month that started great, until me being the paranoid and mistrustful woman I am decided to snoop when I just felt off about him. You see, I learned from the past year why I didn't let him sleep with the baby inhis bed, why I didn't let him drive him alone, and why I was so controlling about when he held and babysat. I didn't realize that was my gut telling me he was different; a potential hazard to my babys welfare. I asked him (how naive I was) and after assuring me it was his health problems, I carried on ignoring my intuition for 3 more months until it all came out. Struggling with the resentment, the selfpitying the victim I am, I grew bitter and controlling. I sent him angry letters saying how bad a father he was, how he abandoned me and left me a single mother all because of his selfishness. It didn't make me feel better like I thought it would, and it didn't help him recover either.
So when he came home I vowed to try to trust him and to not degrade him or hinder his recovery (meeting jealousy etc). Things were good for maybe a week. Then one day, for no reason at all, I decided to snoop. I had never done that before and I felt dirty doing it, but I did it nonetheless. I found what I hoped I wouldnt. A script of percocet from a hospital stay near the end of his rehab stay. I asked. He denied. I admitted that I knew, and he confessed. I said we can't be together if your still lying to me. He said he wouldn't again. I believed it, the dumb*** I am. A week later, he was nodding out. So I snooped the next day while he was visiting his father. He blew up. Cussed me out, guilt tripped me (I know, my fault) into letting him stay here until he found a three quarter house. We officially broke up. But I remained sexual with him (I am now attending sex addict meetings once again). So I don't think hes learned. And now, hes stopped so low as to burning himself on the job "accidentally" and letting it get infected so that he can visit the 3 doctors I have found out about today and get his meds. He even was prescribed an antiviotic but he hasnt taken one of them in 4 days. Sad. So here I sit, knowing what I must do. But finding myself hesitant to do it. I realize I'm scared to be alone, and that I am mourning the loss of the family I had envisioned for us. I don't like this feeling of codependency. I don't know how to overcome it. I want to be selfless for both myself and my son, but am finding it difficult. Any tips on making it through the initial sting? How to deal with my own lonliness? I don't want to be a victim anymore, it doesnt do me any good. I really appreciate the wisdom I read in the posts here. Thank you all!
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:43 AM
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I don't think you sound dumb at all. In fact, I think you sound like a very bright 19 year old. Codependency is very common and I really suggest you address your codie issues now or you will spend a life time allowing them hurt you.

The book Codependent No More is a great start.

There is nothing selfish about protecting or having boundaries for you and you baby. It's called self care. Something I am just learning....much later in life.

Naranon or Alanon meetings will be a great help also. Be gentle with yourself. You had a need to know, now you do...so now what are you going to do about it???
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:59 AM
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Thank you so much I wish I had better resources near me. And childcare. But I did attend one al non meeting over the phone and found it really inspiring. I felt a little out of place though because all of them had alcoholics and drug aaddicts in their family chidhood. But it was still pretty awesome to hear the stories! Ill keep trying to see the light at the end. Thanks again
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by gunshy View Post
Thank you so much I wish I had better resources near me. And childcare. But I did attend one al non meeting over the phone and found it really inspiring. I felt a little out of place though because all of them had alcoholics and drug aaddicts in their family chidhood. But it was still pretty awesome to hear the stories! Ill keep trying to see the light at the end. Thanks again
Meetings have different people each time as well as regulars. Sometimes I "connect" with more at one meeting then at others. Keep going back!!
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:33 PM
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Millions of people have been raised by single mothers or step-parents and grown into healthy adults.

A lot of messed up people have been forced to grow up in an "addiction house" or a "no love-stay together for the kids house".

You are very self-aware for 19. If you manage to jump off the ride this early, you may save a lot of potential future damage to your self-esteem.

Keep reading.
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Old 07-25-2012, 09:04 PM
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I already have much damage to my self esteem even before I met him. But thank god my son was born. I've developed a voice...that I still am trying to learn to use appropriatley. I know that even if I feel I don't deserve better, my son does. I want him to see how much I love him and I don't want him to hurt over this, but I will do my best when hes older to let him know he didn't cause any of this and that his dad just couldnt be there for himself or anyone else. That it is a disease. Do my best to raise him without trying to hide what his dad is. He deserves to know, so he can overcome it when the time comes. I just want to get ouut of my head though. I want to not care about this stranger who even though I young, I know I do love him. I will have to proceed in telling him the truth and the way things have to be from now on while hes on pills...thank god i have full custody! And thank you, I hope I can raise my son to make good choices.
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