Redapples

Hi Everyone,

I found out on Sunday my recovering alcoholic boyfriend has been using cocaine for more then a year. If dealing with one issue wasn't enough. All the signs were there, and more then once I asked him if he was using drugs and he denied using. So I let it go.

Two weeks ago he went on a drinking binge spent over $150 in four days. Then showed up at my door telling me what he did and said he would never do it again. So I guess at this point he needed to clear his conscience some more and dropped the bombshell on Sunday. This guy is in his 40's I mean really what the hell is wrong with him? It isn't bad enough he suffers from depression on a daily basis but to add booze and drugs to it?

Am I stupid to spend two and a half years with this fella to find out in the last two weeks what he has been up too? Every time he suffered from "depression" I was there to hold his hand and encourage him trying to show him that life was worth living and it will never be more then he could handle. I even went to the doctor with him last week to change his prescription because he felt the pills he was taking for depression wasn't helping him!! No wonder he was coming down from cocaine!!! I am so angry that he betrayed my trust. All the lies and the way he treated me. He would spend his money on cocaine then ask his family to buy him groceries or ask for a loan to pay on a bill. One of his brothers is a cop which I find ironic because he is on the narcotics division. lol None of them know what he is doing.

He has a son who he never spends time with. The kid is acting out and very disrespectful to everyone. The kid wanders around the small community at all hours and hangs out with a not so nice sort. I asked the father on numerous occasions when I was there or spoke with him on the phone where his kid was. His answer was out. I asked out where and he would respond I don't know. You don't know where your 12 year old is??? I have a 25yr old and I always knew where he was growing up.

You see this isn't the first time I was in a relationship with a drug user. I was with a guy for 5 years who on the last year of the relationship got hooked on Oxycontin I stood by him while he went on the program to get cleaned up because I loved him even though he stole and lied took things to sell from my son and I. I wanted to help. After a year of sobriety we ended the relationship because he started again. He is now serving life because the next woman he dated he murdered her and dismembered her body.

Am I a magnet for these guys? Do I have loser on my forehead? Should I help this man I have spent 2 1/2 years with? I need your help.

I made an appointment this Friday for him to go back to his doctor and tell him that he is using cocaine. Reason being because of the anti depressants he is taking and how they may effect the withdrawals etc. This much I will do but what should I do?? I need your help please.

LoveMeNow

"The kid wanders around the small community at all hours and hangs out with a not so nice sort"

In reality, so are you. And until you get healthy and start working on you, you will keep repeating the pattern of relationships.

Make an apppointment for YOU and/or start going to Naranon or Alanon meetings. YOU are worth helping! He needs to help himself....you can't "fix" him!!

zoso77

I see you're new, so welcome to the board.

Anvilhead already flagged this part of your post, with good reason:

So long as you enable your ABF to be helpless, so long as you do the things he needs to be doing for himself, you will be locked in a codependent death rattle that will rob you of your dignity and your sanity.

Ask yourself what you've learned about him in that period of time. Is there anything that suggests that he's ready, willing and able to be a responsible, committed partner? Your description of him and his behavior strongly suggests otherwise. And then the question becomes why do you stay. If he can't put his child first, then why do you think he's going to care about his relationship with you?

I'm not as forward as others are on this board. I'm not going to give you advice. What I would like to see happen is for you to face up to what you know to be true, both about him and frankly yourself. It's when we stop living in denial and start facing up to the truth that we begin to make better, healthier decisions. Read the sticky notes at the top of our page, especially "What Addicts Do". Because that's exactly what you're dealing with.

Read as many of the posts as you can. Learn as you read. Most of all, you need to start thinking about your own wellbeing and less about his because you can't help him.

Be safe. Hope to see you post more in the future.

Best,
ZoSo

hope213

this just goes back to u can not help someone who does not want to help themselves. why would u ever get into a relationship with some one that uses drugs or alcohol. i guess we r just hard headed. u know what u have been through.stay with him & do it again or leave. it is up to you. there is not help for him. he knows where it is. he also should not b on any meds that is nacortics. help your self. prayers for you. i know this is hard on you.

FindingErica

Welcome to the forum.

Your forehead doesn't say "loser", but your behavior says "codependant" and that is why addicts are attracted to you. A person with healthy boundaries and behaviors does not wonder if they should continue to put up with an addict, they simply walk away. A codependant on the other hand sticks around tryin to fix, feeling sorry for the person and trying to save them from themselves. Ask yourself why you are putting up with any of this nonsense.

Redapples

Well it has been the four Fridays that my boyfriend has not done any drugs or alcohol. He is more relaxed and getting his sense of humour back and more alive. He sleeps better and the leg spasms pretty much stopped. I use to count the seconds between when the spasms stopped and started it use to drive me nuts. Luckily we do not live together.

I have found so much information on this site and people who are going through the same issues. It has made it so much easier for me to disengage myself from being to emotionally involved. God I was stressed!!

I am pretty much just taking one day at a time, reading, walking, next week I am going back to the gym and swimming again. I find exercise helps tremendously with my positive thinking great for the heart and I am socializing with people, there is nothing worse then being in this situation and thinking you are alone. Because you are not.

I am still here and hoping to help anyone else out there who needs a shoulder. God Bless

ilovehim1104

I love what you said...get off the cross someone else needs the wood. I too suffer from codependency although I feel I am about ready to be that person that just walks away. My addict recovered now or 5mons broke my heart once and for 1 yr b4 recovery I allowed us to b just "sexbuddies" mistake mistake I know and finally after enabling because I loved him didn't realize what I was doing and finally when he wnted to recover I was to be just a friend and when he found "god" surrendered decided I was his women. Welp after 4mons recovered we had great times beter than we ever have. But then we went to a NA camp out and I become emotionally upset due to my kids just being kids but getting no support from him and all other things in life that I won't discuss but were causing me emtional stress and I discussed that mayb us being together isn't ok ...which when discussing tis I was hoping he would offer some emotional support which I should not know any better or atleast discuss with me for a change but I know they need to be super selfish at first and always to stay clean but isn't I just dnt know how to deal now because he says he has to focus on him nd that's fine but we have no communication now nd he also said he can't b in a relationship where his feelings are going to be hurt. Idk just upet I gave in I was healed b4 his recovery and I fell in. So I want to get off the cross so to speak but my codependency my fear of nver talking t him makes me panic I dnt get it

ilovehim1104

Any one offer advice to how to move on from a relationship that has totally mentally drained emotionally drained you? How do you regain or not think of the "never" going to speak to this person again I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and the sad thing is I have a god and ithis is the hardest ting o let go let god because I am human and hate heartbreak and want to control that ugh so upset this morning any words would be much appreciated

Redapples

hi ilovehim1104 I know exactly how you feel. The last year and a half of my bf cocaine habit had me on a rickety roller coaster ride. I didn't know he was using coke and he was constantly up and down. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Lucky for me the work I did kept me physically exhausted at the end of the day and my mom was like a life raft. She didn't judge him but would listen to what I had to say about how he was treating me etc. She had her opinions and kept them to herself until I found out he was using coke.

Yes, you do have God but you should also have friends and family who will support you through this. We are here as well. You have the strength to get through this time in your life. We all do it's a matter of how much are we willing to torture ourselves for something we have no control over.

Take a deep breath and let it go. Put on some music and start singing or dancing, go for a walk, clean your house. Any distraction helps even for that moment. They say addicts have to take one day at a time. We do as well because we were on the receiving end. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated with respect and love.

No one in "that moment" believes it will get better but it does. Let go the stress that keeps you from being happy. You deserve to be happy right? Get off your arse and do something get busy. Because in the end you will be alright! Great big hug from me to you.

lost0311

ilovehim1104 Some one says it very clear at the end of each post... "sometimes we have to forget what we want to realize what we deserve" The addicts in our life have made it there job to keep us under there thumb, so they can use and abuse us and we will be there to pick up there broken peices. All the while losing a part of our own self worth. We are all smart people, we are all human and we have all been hurt. But it is up to each of us to build a new life. Love yourself and forgive yourself and find the fun things in life again. Its hard but find a close friend to laugh with. Laughter is the best cure for saddness. Get some excercise in (it will get adrenaline and endorfines going). Hang in there. You can do it. Cuz if I can do it then it can be done. Cuz i am the biggest co-dependant i know.