The box
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The box
Some of you may recall that my son left a box at the front door of my business last week. It had a few sparse belongings (a watch, toothbrush, pellet gun, and a couple of articles of clothing, as well as the paperwork from the recent impound of his car) in it and it was addressed to me....in what appeared to be AS's handwriting. I jumped to the conclusion that it was a message that, once again, he was threatening suicide, which he does with relative frequency or perhaps it was just another attempt at manipulation.
Well.....as always......time reveals more.
The box was left by my XAH. I've been divorced from him for 30 years! He had a falling out with AS and somehow thought it was a good idea to box up son's belongings and put it on my door step at my business. XAH was the manipulator.......not AS. This is just creepy.
Amazing. And I took that bait......hook, line, and sinker.
I received a call from XAH's sister yesterday. She is supporting XAH (he's 53 years old) from across the country. She sends him money (he doesn't work and hasn't for years). She does what he tells her to (like call me). She has been his enabler for many, many years. She told me that he left the box. She also told me that he wanted her to "reach out to me in a spirit of cooperation" for the benefit of our son so that I would know what a dire situation he is in and find it in my heart to help him.
Really?
All I can say is this disease is really something. My XAH uses drugs with AS.
I talked with XAH's sister for a while......I talked program stuff......I don't know this woman very well......we were never close while I was married to her brother. I told her that the best thing that XAH could do is to seek recovery himself. Show our son how it's done if he really wants to help him.....she said "he won't do that". I already knew that.
The call ended with her thanking me for talking to her and saying that she realizes that she needs help and needs to go to meetings and do it regularly.
I hope she does.
My son also called me at work yesterday. I didn't take his call. I was with a client. Then my phone blew up last evening with phone calls that I suspect were from AS. I didn't answer.
Today my prayer is to ask for help from God. I have let go and I've given my son over to His care...now I need help letting go of the outcome.
gentle hugs
ke
Well.....as always......time reveals more.
The box was left by my XAH. I've been divorced from him for 30 years! He had a falling out with AS and somehow thought it was a good idea to box up son's belongings and put it on my door step at my business. XAH was the manipulator.......not AS. This is just creepy.
Amazing. And I took that bait......hook, line, and sinker.
I received a call from XAH's sister yesterday. She is supporting XAH (he's 53 years old) from across the country. She sends him money (he doesn't work and hasn't for years). She does what he tells her to (like call me). She has been his enabler for many, many years. She told me that he left the box. She also told me that he wanted her to "reach out to me in a spirit of cooperation" for the benefit of our son so that I would know what a dire situation he is in and find it in my heart to help him.
Really?
All I can say is this disease is really something. My XAH uses drugs with AS.
I talked with XAH's sister for a while......I talked program stuff......I don't know this woman very well......we were never close while I was married to her brother. I told her that the best thing that XAH could do is to seek recovery himself. Show our son how it's done if he really wants to help him.....she said "he won't do that". I already knew that.
The call ended with her thanking me for talking to her and saying that she realizes that she needs help and needs to go to meetings and do it regularly.
I hope she does.
My son also called me at work yesterday. I didn't take his call. I was with a client. Then my phone blew up last evening with phone calls that I suspect were from AS. I didn't answer.
Today my prayer is to ask for help from God. I have let go and I've given my son over to His care...now I need help letting go of the outcome.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Well done, Kindeyes. I too have an ex-husband (AS's bio dad) who uses with him. Bio dad says it is a way of connecting with this lost son of his who needs help. BS.
I have to remind myself that a person does not choose recovery because the enablers end. The world is full of an endless line of enablers, and when one drops off there is always another one to take his/her place.
I have observed that when a person chooses recovery, it is because something happened on the inside. And that's where the Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) is. And that's why a recovery program is a spiritual program.
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
Sojourner
I have to remind myself that a person does not choose recovery because the enablers end. The world is full of an endless line of enablers, and when one drops off there is always another one to take his/her place.
I have observed that when a person chooses recovery, it is because something happened on the inside. And that's where the Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) is. And that's why a recovery program is a spiritual program.
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
Sojourner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
gentle hugs
ke
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I need help with letting go of the outcome.......
What a good thought to keep in my mind. Thanks for reminding me that!
And all those little manipulating hands trying to get one more cookie...... You are so strong and I just want to tell you that. It gives me such encouragement for all that i am going through to read your posts, and others posts. I am just now waking up to my co-dependencies and this type of thing happens to me all the time. Just one more, just one more cookie!!
What a good thought to keep in my mind. Thanks for reminding me that!
And all those little manipulating hands trying to get one more cookie...... You are so strong and I just want to tell you that. It gives me such encouragement for all that i am going through to read your posts, and others posts. I am just now waking up to my co-dependencies and this type of thing happens to me all the time. Just one more, just one more cookie!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello KE, such an inspiration to us all. I am glad that it wasn't your son trying to manipulate, but in reading this and then the timing of your sons calls, it sounds like he may have asked "Dad" and "Aunt" to intervene with you on his behalf.
Stay strong and know I am here praying with you.
Love
TT
Stay strong and know I am here praying with you.
Love
TT
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you for sharing your ESH. You continue to inspire me.
In the midst of such sickness, your calmness always shines through. Hug your husband and smile in the mirror and continue to enjoy your day.
God's got this!!
In the midst of such sickness, your calmness always shines through. Hug your husband and smile in the mirror and continue to enjoy your day.
God's got this!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kindeyes, you are such an inspiration to me, really you are. You remind me that no matter how they behave, "we" do not have to participate. I love the old saying "We don't have to attend every fight we are invited to." For me that includes sitting out the drama, the manipulation and the pity parties.
I visited another city last week, where my son and I used to live. My son's ex-sister-in-law (a good person and aunt of his son) works for a friend of mine there. My friend asked if I wanted her to ask "auntee" if she had heard from my son and how he was doing. I thought about it some and finally said "no thanks", because if it was bad news it would upset me and if it was good news I shall know soon enough. My son knows how to find me if he embraces sobriety. Until then there is simply no point, I no longer do the codependent dance.
Thank you for this reminder that it is okay to sit this one out, it is okay to let outcomes unfold all by themselves...it is really really okay.
Hugs
I visited another city last week, where my son and I used to live. My son's ex-sister-in-law (a good person and aunt of his son) works for a friend of mine there. My friend asked if I wanted her to ask "auntee" if she had heard from my son and how he was doing. I thought about it some and finally said "no thanks", because if it was bad news it would upset me and if it was good news I shall know soon enough. My son knows how to find me if he embraces sobriety. Until then there is simply no point, I no longer do the codependent dance.
Thank you for this reminder that it is okay to sit this one out, it is okay to let outcomes unfold all by themselves...it is really really okay.
Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((KE))
Mom hugs to you and prayers of strength and wisdom as you take good care of you ~
You are giving your son an awesome gift ~ the ability to find his own way to a better life ~ your healthy, recovery love for him and for yourself is evident in your post ~
How wonderful ~
Praying each of your HP's very very best for everyone,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Mom hugs to you and prayers of strength and wisdom as you take good care of you ~
You are giving your son an awesome gift ~ the ability to find his own way to a better life ~ your healthy, recovery love for him and for yourself is evident in your post ~
How wonderful ~
Praying each of your HP's very very best for everyone,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
TT
I wouldn't put it past the three of them to have conspired on this whole shinnanigan's. I know that XAH and X-SIL were in cahoots.
Since my AS lost his car to impound, he has no place to live (evidently he's sleeping in the woods in a neighboring town according to X-SIL). He has lost his "currency". With the car, he was able to do drug runs.....now he has no useful purpose to those who supplied him with drugs. He is losing all of his options. I'm sure he is hungry and dirty.
All of this is so very heartbreaking but I have always been there slipping a pillow under him as he approached his bottom du jour. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again.....expecting a different result.
I have believed him when he has said "I've hit my bottom, Mom." because I WANTED to believe it so very badly. And swooooop.....to the rescue I would come....trying to manipulate the outcome into his recovery. That is what a truly gold winning enabler does. That has been my MO and that is what he expects. I taught him that. I own that.
I am so very tired of the insanty. Mine and his. Who is it around here who always says "You can get off Mr Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to" (I think I can attribute that to anvilhead, outtolunch or cynical one....I love that saying). I'm off the ride and I'm looking for the exit gate to the carnival.
I know in my heart that my son knows what he needs to do to get sober. We've put him through rehab four times. He has point blank TOLD me that he knows what he needs to do to get sober and he doesn't want to do it. I BELIEVE him. Jail, insitution, or death......that's the prognosis for this disease if left untreated. It's the sad reality of it. Acceptance is the only way to overcome fear.
Time will reveal more as it always does.
gentle hugs
ke
I wouldn't put it past the three of them to have conspired on this whole shinnanigan's. I know that XAH and X-SIL were in cahoots.
Since my AS lost his car to impound, he has no place to live (evidently he's sleeping in the woods in a neighboring town according to X-SIL). He has lost his "currency". With the car, he was able to do drug runs.....now he has no useful purpose to those who supplied him with drugs. He is losing all of his options. I'm sure he is hungry and dirty.
All of this is so very heartbreaking but I have always been there slipping a pillow under him as he approached his bottom du jour. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again.....expecting a different result.
I have believed him when he has said "I've hit my bottom, Mom." because I WANTED to believe it so very badly. And swooooop.....to the rescue I would come....trying to manipulate the outcome into his recovery. That is what a truly gold winning enabler does. That has been my MO and that is what he expects. I taught him that. I own that.
I am so very tired of the insanty. Mine and his. Who is it around here who always says "You can get off Mr Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to" (I think I can attribute that to anvilhead, outtolunch or cynical one....I love that saying). I'm off the ride and I'm looking for the exit gate to the carnival.
I know in my heart that my son knows what he needs to do to get sober. We've put him through rehab four times. He has point blank TOLD me that he knows what he needs to do to get sober and he doesn't want to do it. I BELIEVE him. Jail, insitution, or death......that's the prognosis for this disease if left untreated. It's the sad reality of it. Acceptance is the only way to overcome fear.
Time will reveal more as it always does.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
k.e. i am so sorry about this. we have to learn to deal with all the things our addicts seem to put on us. it is every scary. you are such an inspiration to me. my grandson really tries to manipulate everyone with his suicide attempts & threats. Jail, insitution, or death......that's the prognosis for this disease if left untreated. It's the sad reality of it. Acceptance is the only way to overcome fear is so true. i just hope i can let go & let God on this one. my prayers are for you & your son. u r so strong. hugs,
know this is true
know this is true
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my ex has a sister who pays for cell phone, impound fees, cash "loans" etc.
she is highly educated, long distance, wealthy, and KNOWS the deal with her bro
it is easier for her to band aid the situation and stay "blind" to the long distance reality
I will never forget the first time I heard of an addict having a "stable of enablers" OMG
BAM! reality...had to detach from that too!!!
she is highly educated, long distance, wealthy, and KNOWS the deal with her bro
it is easier for her to band aid the situation and stay "blind" to the long distance reality
I will never forget the first time I heard of an addict having a "stable of enablers" OMG
BAM! reality...had to detach from that too!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
"I have believed him when he has said "I've hit my bottom, Mom." because I WANTED to believe it so very badly. And swooooop.....to the rescue I would come....trying to manipulate the outcome into his recovery. That is what a truly gold winning enabler does. That has been my MO and that is what he expects. I taught him that. I own that."
HeHe Kindeyes - I too made the mistake in assuming, because I had hit a bottom in all my son's doings, that he had hit the same bottom. But when I knew better, I did better.
HeHe Kindeyes - I too made the mistake in assuming, because I had hit a bottom in all my son's doings, that he had hit the same bottom. But when I knew better, I did better.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
KE, that is also what I went through. Always to the rescue. I wanted to believe him. This is my first shot and really trying to let him go. It is so hard. Thank you for sharing this. And to everyone. I did not want to believe my AS was manipulating me. When I read these post I can see here from what everyone writes, that my son has done this to me and I have done many of these things for him. It is hard to deny it when I see it here in black and white.
hugs and thank you
hugs and thank you
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Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by octoberrain 
KE, that is also what I went through. Always to the rescue. I wanted to believe him. This is my first shot and really trying to let him go. It is so hard. Thank you for sharing this. And to everyone. I did not want to believe my AS was manipulating me. When I read these post I can see here from what everyone writes, that my son has done this to me and I have done many of these things for him. It is hard to deny it when I see it here in black and white.
hugs and thank you
hugs and thank you
We are walking a path that is very difficult because we love them so very much. Although I will never ever ever be thankful for my son's addiction, I am so very grateful for the lessons I am learning as a direct result of it. Like tempered steel, each of these experiences strengthens me. Our sons are walking their path and I pray that their experiences strengthen them as well.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
I talked with XAH's sister for a while......I talked program stuff......
The call ended with her thanking me for talking to her and saying that she realizes that she needs help and needs to go to meetings and do it regularly.
The call ended with her thanking me for talking to her and saying that she realizes that she needs help and needs to go to meetings and do it regularly.
I have watched you grow here at SR, KindEyes, and it has been a privilege.
Give yourself a hug for a job well done (not in public though, folks might think you're crazy...lol). Sending you many hugs of support!
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Thread Starter
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Posts: 5,435
Give yourself a hug for a job well done (not in public though, folks might think you're crazy...lol). Sending you many hugs of support!
HA! Sorry.......couldn't resist.
love YOU!
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((KE)))))
Well................I think very highly of you.
Many is the time that I come on here, and your posts or threads are the first
thing I always read. Why? Because you have a way of expressing yourself,
that shows your ES&H and still be very comforting.
You have a 'knack' for being able to share the problem and your solution and
how you put that 'solution' into action.
Thank you for being here and always sharing your ES&H.
Each consequence from his actions, that happens to your son is bringing him
a bit closer to the bottom of the hole he is digging.
I will continue to send healing thoughts and prayers for you, your hubby, and
your son.
Love and hugs,
Well................I think very highly of you.
Many is the time that I come on here, and your posts or threads are the first
thing I always read. Why? Because you have a way of expressing yourself,
that shows your ES&H and still be very comforting.
You have a 'knack' for being able to share the problem and your solution and
how you put that 'solution' into action.
Thank you for being here and always sharing your ES&H.
Each consequence from his actions, that happens to your son is bringing him
a bit closer to the bottom of the hole he is digging.
I will continue to send healing thoughts and prayers for you, your hubby, and
your son.
Love and hugs,
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