It's just not fair! A feeling sorry for myself rant.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
It's just not fair! A feeling sorry for myself rant.
My husband has been an addict for years... First oxy then kicked that and then on to coke...we have 3 kids and I am so sick of dealing with everything in our life while he gets high or recovers or feels guilty or whatever it is this week...
It's just not fair. He has a disease so he gets support. Poor him. He gets praise for not using, well who praise me for putting up with him and taking care of everything else?He can go to meetings and suddenly have a huge supportive network of recovering friends.
Now he want to get help again, with NA or and a live in rehab program... Which is great but it still results in more of me being alone and doing everything else.
Every option seems to leave me alone and hurt. I am so sick of being alone. If he's using I'm alone. If he's kicking I'm alone. If he goes to meetings I'm alone.
I even have fantasies of using because I am jealous of his selfishness. But I can't. I am just not that kind of person and I love my kids too much and know someone has to be stable and be there for them.
In so many ways our life is great. We can even 'afford' his expensive addiction even though I would of course rather spend the money of anything else. He is not abusive and he is a good dad when he's here. I don't want to leave him. I just want this to stop and I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't know how to get through this recovery and of course I have huge doubts it will be the last time.
Where do I find more strength? How do I recover? There is only one meeting a week for families in my area. And teh few times I have gone I didn't really relate to anyone. They were all parents of addicts and I think that's different from being the spouse of an addict. I will try to go again and hope to find someone to connect with... I do have one close friend who understands but she lives 6 hours away.
It's just not fair. I didn't sign up for this. I can't control it. I have no power over the situation. I have been trying to take care of myself more and I do feel stronger for it, but I also just feel like it's all so unfair.
thanks for reading. I just needed a safe place to let that out.
It's just not fair. He has a disease so he gets support. Poor him. He gets praise for not using, well who praise me for putting up with him and taking care of everything else?He can go to meetings and suddenly have a huge supportive network of recovering friends.
Now he want to get help again, with NA or and a live in rehab program... Which is great but it still results in more of me being alone and doing everything else.
Every option seems to leave me alone and hurt. I am so sick of being alone. If he's using I'm alone. If he's kicking I'm alone. If he goes to meetings I'm alone.
I even have fantasies of using because I am jealous of his selfishness. But I can't. I am just not that kind of person and I love my kids too much and know someone has to be stable and be there for them.
In so many ways our life is great. We can even 'afford' his expensive addiction even though I would of course rather spend the money of anything else. He is not abusive and he is a good dad when he's here. I don't want to leave him. I just want this to stop and I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't know how to get through this recovery and of course I have huge doubts it will be the last time.
Where do I find more strength? How do I recover? There is only one meeting a week for families in my area. And teh few times I have gone I didn't really relate to anyone. They were all parents of addicts and I think that's different from being the spouse of an addict. I will try to go again and hope to find someone to connect with... I do have one close friend who understands but she lives 6 hours away.
It's just not fair. I didn't sign up for this. I can't control it. I have no power over the situation. I have been trying to take care of myself more and I do feel stronger for it, but I also just feel like it's all so unfair.
thanks for reading. I just needed a safe place to let that out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
give yourself a hug, but you know there is only way that this will all end for you, and you won't have to deal with it. be kind to yourself and start living your life your way and let your husband do whatever he wants. if you aren't going to leave him then start enjoying life another way, but if you want to change the outcome then you are going to have to change the way you are dealing with it.
hugs to you and hope you find some peace, but as you have already pointed out, drugs are not the answer.
hugs to you and hope you find some peace, but as you have already pointed out, drugs are not the answer.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is unfair, it stinks really, and sadly life is like that sometimes.
My husband (who neither drinks nor drugs) used to travel a lot in his work, still does sometimes, and I know that I had to find some interests of my own or else I would catch myself isolating, especially in my darker days of early recovery. I took up hobby photography which has led me to hobby bird watching and it gives me an excuse to get out in nature and find my own peace.
You cannot change how he is. You can choose how you would like to live your life. You can have your own dreams and make them come true...just believe that you can and you will.
Hugs
My husband (who neither drinks nor drugs) used to travel a lot in his work, still does sometimes, and I know that I had to find some interests of my own or else I would catch myself isolating, especially in my darker days of early recovery. I took up hobby photography which has led me to hobby bird watching and it gives me an excuse to get out in nature and find my own peace.
You cannot change how he is. You can choose how you would like to live your life. You can have your own dreams and make them come true...just believe that you can and you will.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Glad you were able to get that out. Better out than in.
It seems to be a recurrent theme in posts that there is no one to relate to at meetings....either they are all spouses or all mothers or all men or all women. But what it really is.......is all an excuse not to go. When I was really ready to go to meetings and start figuring it out, the room could have been fully of monkeys and I would have kept coming back if there was even a remote chance of feeling better eventually.
Just like you, there are people who come to the meeting with that same excuse. So they don't come back. I wonder if you went consistently for three months every single week, someone might show up who is the spouse of an A. And YOU might be the one THEY connect to......so they keep coming back. And then another....and another.
I've been the spouse of an addict and the mother of an addict and what I finally began learning through working the program that I wish the A's would......is that it doesn't matter......addicted child........addicted parent.........addicted spouse........the desire for serenity is what's important in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Because the path to find it is the same.......because it has absolutely nothing to do with the A and everything to do with ME.
When people pass through the rooms of our group and only come to one meeting or two.....we know......they simply aren't done suffering......just like the addict.......they just aren't done yet.
gentle hugs
ke
It seems to be a recurrent theme in posts that there is no one to relate to at meetings....either they are all spouses or all mothers or all men or all women. But what it really is.......is all an excuse not to go. When I was really ready to go to meetings and start figuring it out, the room could have been fully of monkeys and I would have kept coming back if there was even a remote chance of feeling better eventually.
Just like you, there are people who come to the meeting with that same excuse. So they don't come back. I wonder if you went consistently for three months every single week, someone might show up who is the spouse of an A. And YOU might be the one THEY connect to......so they keep coming back. And then another....and another.
I've been the spouse of an addict and the mother of an addict and what I finally began learning through working the program that I wish the A's would......is that it doesn't matter......addicted child........addicted parent.........addicted spouse........the desire for serenity is what's important in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Because the path to find it is the same.......because it has absolutely nothing to do with the A and everything to do with ME.
When people pass through the rooms of our group and only come to one meeting or two.....we know......they simply aren't done suffering......just like the addict.......they just aren't done yet.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
KindEyes is right. The meetings are hugely beneficial, even when there is no one else in the room with the identical specifics. I am very blessed that there are a variety of meetings available in my area (no Naranon, but many Alanon and an FA meeting out of the area but doable). I started out by attending an open NA meeting--no mothers of addicts there, but I was blown away, and welcomed, and supported. And by attending that one (and another different NA meeting group), I found the courage to attend an Alanon meeting. Again, it was all partners of alcoholics except for one woman whose son is also an addict, but the love, support, help, and sanity in that room was what nourished me. Then I started attending Families Anonymous and it is mostly parents of addicts, but there are people who attend because of addicted girlfriends or boyfriends.
I started out in a room where I really "didn't belong" at all (it wasn't support for family and friends), and it gave me what I needed to keep going.
Yes, it adds another layer of comfort when you can connect in-person with someone whose path closely aligns with yours, but as KE mentioned, who's to say that person won't show up a few meetings down the road? I believe the Universe works to send us the people we need when we need them. Don't give up on the meeting yet. It's too soon, and the interaction is too important to your own sanity and recovery. And your health is too important for your children.
Wishing you many blessings and plenty of strength as you seek support.
I started out in a room where I really "didn't belong" at all (it wasn't support for family and friends), and it gave me what I needed to keep going.
Yes, it adds another layer of comfort when you can connect in-person with someone whose path closely aligns with yours, but as KE mentioned, who's to say that person won't show up a few meetings down the road? I believe the Universe works to send us the people we need when we need them. Don't give up on the meeting yet. It's too soon, and the interaction is too important to your own sanity and recovery. And your health is too important for your children.
Wishing you many blessings and plenty of strength as you seek support.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I wholeheartedly agree with kindeyes.
I wasn't done with my alcoholism until 12/19/11, and finally got it in AA, my light bulb moment went off.
I was living with my addict boyfriend and our kids. I had had enough of living there and went and found my own space, away from all of his chaos. This was June 1st, 2012.
It took me 15 years to leave him because I kept thinking that he will change and he never did. I went from drinking socially to drinking alcoholically in those 15 years. Now the hard part has started. I am cleaning up my life, and am trying to get my kids lives back on track. The negative things that I have allowed my kids to get habits from are taking a toll on me now. They are in the habit of playing on the PlayStation and the computer all the time, and I am trying to get them off of them. It has been hard and they don't want to do anything except that when they are at my new little duplex. I want to take them in the boat, but I don't want to pay for the boat right now, so I am not even asking their father for that.
He is still in the chaos of me leaving and still blaming me, not even looking at himself, so I am just doing what I am suppose to do, which is going to meetings everyday and praying.
One thing I have found that really has helped me through all of it is a God Box. I put in all of my wishes, prayers and wants into it. For example - when I was living with him, I put on a small piece of paper "I give my relationship to you God, I can't try and solve it anymore" I dated it and put it into my God Box, and forgot about it. I put everything I was trying to solve on one piece of paper, dated them and then put them in. And they are getting solved!! Now I need a bigger God Box, because the one I have is overflowing!! It really helped me to see that I was still trying to solve a whole lot of problems in my life and not really giving my life up to God, and what a wake up call that was!!
I wasn't done with my alcoholism until 12/19/11, and finally got it in AA, my light bulb moment went off.
I was living with my addict boyfriend and our kids. I had had enough of living there and went and found my own space, away from all of his chaos. This was June 1st, 2012.
It took me 15 years to leave him because I kept thinking that he will change and he never did. I went from drinking socially to drinking alcoholically in those 15 years. Now the hard part has started. I am cleaning up my life, and am trying to get my kids lives back on track. The negative things that I have allowed my kids to get habits from are taking a toll on me now. They are in the habit of playing on the PlayStation and the computer all the time, and I am trying to get them off of them. It has been hard and they don't want to do anything except that when they are at my new little duplex. I want to take them in the boat, but I don't want to pay for the boat right now, so I am not even asking their father for that.
He is still in the chaos of me leaving and still blaming me, not even looking at himself, so I am just doing what I am suppose to do, which is going to meetings everyday and praying.
One thing I have found that really has helped me through all of it is a God Box. I put in all of my wishes, prayers and wants into it. For example - when I was living with him, I put on a small piece of paper "I give my relationship to you God, I can't try and solve it anymore" I dated it and put it into my God Box, and forgot about it. I put everything I was trying to solve on one piece of paper, dated them and then put them in. And they are getting solved!! Now I need a bigger God Box, because the one I have is overflowing!! It really helped me to see that I was still trying to solve a whole lot of problems in my life and not really giving my life up to God, and what a wake up call that was!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
In many ways I can relate to how you feel. My husband is attending NA and suddenly has all new friends and a big support group and in the past few days, I have been feeling resentful. I have not been feeling good so I have been cranky and with that came a list of excuses and resentments.
I have not found the support he has but I have not attended the amount of meetings he has either. He is only 60 days clean but has attended well over 120 meetings in that time. I really don't resent that at all. I am enjoying seeing the changes in him and there has been many already! I reap the benefits of those changes too.
So I have had to ask (even last night) - what am I really resenting? I am resenting that I am NOT putting in the effort he is. Sick or not, I have to get back to MY meetings and stop making excuses....which is easy to do when you feel awful - mentally or physically!!
Just my 2 cents!!
I have not found the support he has but I have not attended the amount of meetings he has either. He is only 60 days clean but has attended well over 120 meetings in that time. I really don't resent that at all. I am enjoying seeing the changes in him and there has been many already! I reap the benefits of those changes too.
So I have had to ask (even last night) - what am I really resenting? I am resenting that I am NOT putting in the effort he is. Sick or not, I have to get back to MY meetings and stop making excuses....which is easy to do when you feel awful - mentally or physically!!
Just my 2 cents!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
I went to a meeting tonight. I was the only one there and the group leader. We talked for an hour and it was good. Thanks to those here who spoke out about the importance of going to meetings. It did help. I am going to keep going. I am going to try al anon too because I found out there are 3 meetings a week in my area for al anon.
Thanks for all your words. They really helped. Today I feel more centered and not so alone.
My ah went to two NA meetings today.
So I will count today as a good day :-)
Thanks for all your words. They really helped. Today I feel more centered and not so alone.
My ah went to two NA meetings today.
So I will count today as a good day :-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 13
My wife is my qualifier. It's very hard when its your spouse. You count on them for a lot of things. Then, bang. All the sudden your doing everything, because they are working there recovery. And in my case, a lot of mental changes took place in her .But I also went to a meeting. And I have been going. It's helping see and feel good about me. Still, my internal anger comes and then goes. I surrendered today. I'll let go and let god today. And I gave my HP the wheel today,so he can drive. Just for today.
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