Why
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
Why
Why does my meth addict husband keep disappearing after 11 years he gets on meth leaves for days to weeks without a trace our children ask where he is i cant give them a answer them so i just smile and change the subject i don't have a drug problem i don't even drink i am a nurse have been for years and have never seen any disease do what this meth addiction has done to my husband who was once glued to me and his children i think i enable because after he is gone i let him come home and i try to fix him at first he would leave a day then a couple now as the disease progresses he is gone for weeks to months i get 3am phone calls with i love you but i cant do this right now or im gonna try to get into rehab pretty soon i know i have to let go i just don't know how i cant sleep im stressed out waiting for the police to tell me they found him dead all of a sudden he is lying and stealing there are times that after he is gone he comes back badly beaten and me being dumb think OK this will teach or him the calls saying he wants to die but cant kill himself WHY IS HIS DRUG PROBLEM KILLING ME
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Hi Empty,
I'm an RN also, welcome to the forum. First and foremost ((big hug!!)) you have been through the wringer and this is a safe place where you will get support but also straight forward advice.
Meth is a nasty addiction, my sister has been addicted about 20 years, she always goes back even if she is forced to be clean for a year. I don't know what to tell you, but my opinion is that you should not let an active addict in the home. This is causing chaos for you and the kids. It is not allowing him to hit his rock bottom with the disease either, because he has a nice place to land when he wants it. I'm going to be harsh here, but this is the stone cold truth, he disappears for stretches of time because he does not care about you or the kids, he cares about the drugs... Period. Please understand this, right now all he thinks and cares about are the drugs. Yes there are still some feelings there for his family, but it is not stronger than his love for and need of the meth. Nothing is going to teach him, he had to come to the point that he wants to get off the drug. You didnt get him hooked on the meth and you cant get him off of it, you are powerless to do anything for him.
My husbands drug of choice is different and he resides by choice in a different state. I moved and he has no contact info for me and the kids. He is not paying support and may or may not be employed at this time. I'm pretty sure if your husband is living like this, you have been supporting the kids. Stop being his truck stop. Make boundaries, decide what is acceptable and stick to it. Yes it is painful because you love him and you remember who he is, but he is not that person and you are allowing danger into your home every time he steps foot inside. My sister has put me in some dangerous situations, the worst being her holding me hostage in my living room with an ice pick with my infant daughter on my lap. Her son was removed from her custody a second time because she rolled him into the center divider of a busy street in his stroller and was yelling and screaming at cars in a paranoid delusion. Meth addicts are dangerous and your husband is no exception to any rule regarding addiction.
I'm an RN also, welcome to the forum. First and foremost ((big hug!!)) you have been through the wringer and this is a safe place where you will get support but also straight forward advice.
Meth is a nasty addiction, my sister has been addicted about 20 years, she always goes back even if she is forced to be clean for a year. I don't know what to tell you, but my opinion is that you should not let an active addict in the home. This is causing chaos for you and the kids. It is not allowing him to hit his rock bottom with the disease either, because he has a nice place to land when he wants it. I'm going to be harsh here, but this is the stone cold truth, he disappears for stretches of time because he does not care about you or the kids, he cares about the drugs... Period. Please understand this, right now all he thinks and cares about are the drugs. Yes there are still some feelings there for his family, but it is not stronger than his love for and need of the meth. Nothing is going to teach him, he had to come to the point that he wants to get off the drug. You didnt get him hooked on the meth and you cant get him off of it, you are powerless to do anything for him.
My husbands drug of choice is different and he resides by choice in a different state. I moved and he has no contact info for me and the kids. He is not paying support and may or may not be employed at this time. I'm pretty sure if your husband is living like this, you have been supporting the kids. Stop being his truck stop. Make boundaries, decide what is acceptable and stick to it. Yes it is painful because you love him and you remember who he is, but he is not that person and you are allowing danger into your home every time he steps foot inside. My sister has put me in some dangerous situations, the worst being her holding me hostage in my living room with an ice pick with my infant daughter on my lap. Her son was removed from her custody a second time because she rolled him into the center divider of a busy street in his stroller and was yelling and screaming at cars in a paranoid delusion. Meth addicts are dangerous and your husband is no exception to any rule regarding addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes honey his drug problem is killing you.
I can't really add to Ericas post, she pretty much laid things out for you and sadly for you, it's spot on.
This is very painful, but at some point in time we all have to do the right thing.
Keep posting, many more will be along to support you I am sure.
Take good care of you and your children, Katie
I can't really add to Ericas post, she pretty much laid things out for you and sadly for you, it's spot on.
This is very painful, but at some point in time we all have to do the right thing.
Keep posting, many more will be along to support you I am sure.
Take good care of you and your children, Katie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.......I'm sorry for,the reason you are here but I'm glad you found it. SR is a great resource.
It's not unusual for the loved ones of addicts to feel like the addiction is killing them.....and sometimes our health seems to suffer more than theirs! this is why the MOST important thing we can do is to begin to recognize what we do control and what we can't control. We can't control the actions or reactions of another person but we CAN control our own.
We begin to learn that we can't take care of someone who refuses to take care of themselves and we should take care of ourselves first and foremost. If you have not read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.....it's a good start. People in helping professions (like a nurse) are often codependent. Identifying that is important.
Finding support is also a great step forward. You came here. That's good. You might also consider going to Nar-Anon meeting (or Al-Anon if there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area). You will find face to face support there.
Addicts use our fear, obligation, and guilt as a means of keeping us confused. Learning to let go of the fear, obligation and guilt will allow your thinking process to improve. Addiction is baffling and confusing.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. Ask questions.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
It's not unusual for the loved ones of addicts to feel like the addiction is killing them.....and sometimes our health seems to suffer more than theirs! this is why the MOST important thing we can do is to begin to recognize what we do control and what we can't control. We can't control the actions or reactions of another person but we CAN control our own.
We begin to learn that we can't take care of someone who refuses to take care of themselves and we should take care of ourselves first and foremost. If you have not read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.....it's a good start. People in helping professions (like a nurse) are often codependent. Identifying that is important.
Finding support is also a great step forward. You came here. That's good. You might also consider going to Nar-Anon meeting (or Al-Anon if there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area). You will find face to face support there.
Addicts use our fear, obligation, and guilt as a means of keeping us confused. Learning to let go of the fear, obligation and guilt will allow your thinking process to improve. Addiction is baffling and confusing.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. Ask questions.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son's addiction came very close to killing me, literally, so my heart and prayers go out for you.
What helped me regain my balance and take back my life (how simple that sounds and how very hard it was), was to go to meetings, read books about codependency and coming here. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group, but Nar-anon and Al-anon are similar fellowships that are about US and helping us to survive the addiction of our loved ones.
It was only when I stopped focusing on my son's addiction, when I stopped spending every moment of ever day trying to save what was not mine to save, and when I began caring for myself again...that I finally could move out of the darkness of addiction. It was when I stopped living in the problem (his addiction) and began living in the solution (my recovery) that life became worth living again.
Hugs
What helped me regain my balance and take back my life (how simple that sounds and how very hard it was), was to go to meetings, read books about codependency and coming here. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group, but Nar-anon and Al-anon are similar fellowships that are about US and helping us to survive the addiction of our loved ones.
It was only when I stopped focusing on my son's addiction, when I stopped spending every moment of ever day trying to save what was not mine to save, and when I began caring for myself again...that I finally could move out of the darkness of addiction. It was when I stopped living in the problem (his addiction) and began living in the solution (my recovery) that life became worth living again.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Addiction is a painful and destructive life for those of us who are not addicted. I recently hit my bottom and realized that by staying and trying to keep my family together I actually put myself and my kids at risk. I realized that I lost my beautiful husband to his addiction and he was no longer in control. I let go to save myself and my kids. I am working on forgiving myself for not leaving sooner. As a result, our safety was at risk. After 2 weeks of no contact, when we actually spoke, the first thing he said to me was Thank You - you saved me. I didn't make my decision to try to force him to get help. My actions were based on what I needed to do to save myself and my boys from allowing this addiction to take us down along with him. As a result, I gave him the opportunity to suffer the consequences of addiction to enable him to decide his actions and path.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by empty1 
WHY IS HIS DRUG PROBLEM KILLING ME
Looking back now the answer to this question is rather simple; because I allowed it.
Is there any reason why you answer your phone at 3 AM? Is there any reason why you are taking his calls at any time? Allowing him to return home after a run allows him to restore and rest till the next run. It's enabling.
There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or prevent him from another run. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If love was all it took, none of us would be here.
Consider putting all that worry time to good use. Some therapy might help you disengage from his outcomes. The only thing you control is your reaction to his addiction and the never ending chaos.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
My crack addict used to disappear for stints when he was on a binge. It is the nature of addiction and par for the course with an addict.
I feel for you, I know how hard it is and trying to understand why the addict does what they do will only drive you crazy. There really is no explanation for the crazy things they do. I tried for a long time to understand my addict. I thought I could save him somehow but it just wasn't happening and that is relatively the mind set of an enabler. the addict comes back to us because I believe after they have been in the world of drugs a little while they need us for normality as well as after they have done their deeds and they are exhausted from days, weeks and sometimes months of binges they know the enabler will let them in, let them take a shower, feed them etc...In many senses they use us for their comfort but when they feel the urge to use and the monster sets in make no mistakes they would leave us stranded on the side of the road, steal from us, cheat on us and so on.
I know you are in a delicate stage of awareness with your addict so maybe this will help. Keep writing and sharing about it, first and foremost if you are going to get away from the situation you need support. Perhaps keeping a journal hidden writing down what you are going through and what he has done daily. I found the journal a great help in my recovery from getting away from my addict. When I read over my own words I was disgusted with what he put me through and the veil of denial started fading.
While you waste your time with an addict who clearly does not want to get better, you are missing out on someone who would truly love you and take care of your heart. Addicts are just not capable of this and you are always going to be disappointed. each time I threatened to walk away from my addict he was going to rehab, going to go get medicine for his mental disorder, going to quit and so on. he was going to quit about 50 million times and the reality was he went straight back to it and I was left sitting home alone feeling empty inside because I just couldn't stop enabling him. My heart goes out to you!
I feel for you, I know how hard it is and trying to understand why the addict does what they do will only drive you crazy. There really is no explanation for the crazy things they do. I tried for a long time to understand my addict. I thought I could save him somehow but it just wasn't happening and that is relatively the mind set of an enabler. the addict comes back to us because I believe after they have been in the world of drugs a little while they need us for normality as well as after they have done their deeds and they are exhausted from days, weeks and sometimes months of binges they know the enabler will let them in, let them take a shower, feed them etc...In many senses they use us for their comfort but when they feel the urge to use and the monster sets in make no mistakes they would leave us stranded on the side of the road, steal from us, cheat on us and so on.
I know you are in a delicate stage of awareness with your addict so maybe this will help. Keep writing and sharing about it, first and foremost if you are going to get away from the situation you need support. Perhaps keeping a journal hidden writing down what you are going through and what he has done daily. I found the journal a great help in my recovery from getting away from my addict. When I read over my own words I was disgusted with what he put me through and the veil of denial started fading.
While you waste your time with an addict who clearly does not want to get better, you are missing out on someone who would truly love you and take care of your heart. Addicts are just not capable of this and you are always going to be disappointed. each time I threatened to walk away from my addict he was going to rehab, going to go get medicine for his mental disorder, going to quit and so on. he was going to quit about 50 million times and the reality was he went straight back to it and I was left sitting home alone feeling empty inside because I just couldn't stop enabling him. My heart goes out to you!
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