AH cheated and left me for girl he met in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
AH cheated and left me for girl he met in rehab
I found them in bed together yesterday, I'm devastated, he has been bagging me to come home for weeks while apparently sleeping with her at the same time. I know I'm done, I've closed all our joint accounts, shut off his cell phone, since it was in my name and im the one who has been paying for it, have an apt with a lawyer on Monday to start the divorce and make sure I have legal sole custody of our boys.
His family is done with him, he has no where to go, no job, no money, no phone, just him and his new girl...
I know I can/will find someone better but it hurts so bad, I can't stop crying, I'll be doing ok one minute then the tears will just start streaming...wish I could just hate him and not care.
I keep thinking of how happy he is right this second in his little new lust bubble.
His family is done with him, he has no where to go, no job, no money, no phone, just him and his new girl...
I know I can/will find someone better but it hurts so bad, I can't stop crying, I'll be doing ok one minute then the tears will just start streaming...wish I could just hate him and not care.
I keep thinking of how happy he is right this second in his little new lust bubble.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for your pain. I do know what betrayal and infidelity feels like too.
I am also a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict, and I have seen many instances of the "rehab romance" play out, and it has never ended well in my experience.
Both inevitably end up going back to their DOC.
He's trying to fill that empty hole in his soul, and it isn't going to work.
Please know that I care very much and I hope you continue to post.
Pain shared is pain lessened.
I am also a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict, and I have seen many instances of the "rehab romance" play out, and it has never ended well in my experience.
Both inevitably end up going back to their DOC.
He's trying to fill that empty hole in his soul, and it isn't going to work.
Please know that I care very much and I hope you continue to post.
Pain shared is pain lessened.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh I am so sorry for your pain. I feared "it" was leading up to this by your last post. It's not uncommon, it happens a lot I hear, and they are advised/warned NOT to do it because relapses are usually next.
He is not happy, he will be back crying on your doorstep sooner or later, so I hope you don't wear yourself down emotionally over this. You need your strength to prepare for next decision. Are you willing to take him back?? If not, what steps do you need to make.
Jealousy is a confusing and destructive emotion...let it go. I won't make you think clearly or logical. Jealousy doesn't equal love by any stretch!!
He is not happy, he will be back crying on your doorstep sooner or later, so I hope you don't wear yourself down emotionally over this. You need your strength to prepare for next decision. Are you willing to take him back?? If not, what steps do you need to make.
Jealousy is a confusing and destructive emotion...let it go. I won't make you think clearly or logical. Jealousy doesn't equal love by any stretch!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I was also lied to, cheated on, and betrayed by my AXBF. I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please remember you can get through this. It is going to hurt for some time but I promise you will get over it.
Good for you for taking the steps you need to take to get yourself as far removed from him and your relationship with him. Be strong. Surround yourself with strong, supportive people.
(((hugs)))
Good for you for taking the steps you need to take to get yourself as far removed from him and your relationship with him. Be strong. Surround yourself with strong, supportive people.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Oh, I'm really sorry... 
This must be such an utterly painful time for you but just think of how you will be able to reclaim your serenity once he is gone. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
This must be such an utterly painful time for you but just think of how you will be able to reclaim your serenity once he is gone. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
you will get through this no matter how badly it hurts right now. It's just really tough to deal with all of this. I am really sorry that you are having to go through this but it's just like having a bandaide ripped off instead of slowly pealed away.
I agree....he will eventually be back on your door step but I hope that you will be in a really different place at that time. My ex husband used sex as a drug and I'm betting that is the same thing that is going on in this situation. It's not any sort of true happiness that he is experiencing - it's just numbing what he doesn't want to face in real life.
I know that many of us pray for answers and guidance to help us figure out what to do next. Sometimes the answers are extremely painful - but those answers can give us the awareness and courage to do the next steps. This is a real opportunity to protect your kids and allow them to live a healhier life.
I would never wish on anyone what you have gone through - and especially this latest episode. When I search for the good in it I know that it is a very vivid indicator and validator of what you are now doing. It allows you to move forward but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell.
OF COURSE there is grief. And the only way that I know to get through grief is to go through it. It's normal to cry - and to be ok one moment and then not the next. It's a roller coaster of emotion. I've needed a lot of support and time to get through my roller coaster. You will get through it though......
please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Lots of hugs and prayers going out to you.
I agree....he will eventually be back on your door step but I hope that you will be in a really different place at that time. My ex husband used sex as a drug and I'm betting that is the same thing that is going on in this situation. It's not any sort of true happiness that he is experiencing - it's just numbing what he doesn't want to face in real life.
I know that many of us pray for answers and guidance to help us figure out what to do next. Sometimes the answers are extremely painful - but those answers can give us the awareness and courage to do the next steps. This is a real opportunity to protect your kids and allow them to live a healhier life.
I would never wish on anyone what you have gone through - and especially this latest episode. When I search for the good in it I know that it is a very vivid indicator and validator of what you are now doing. It allows you to move forward but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell.
OF COURSE there is grief. And the only way that I know to get through grief is to go through it. It's normal to cry - and to be ok one moment and then not the next. It's a roller coaster of emotion. I've needed a lot of support and time to get through my roller coaster. You will get through it though......
please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Lots of hugs and prayers going out to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
Thank you everyone. I just tried to go to an alanon mtg, I made it to the parking lot but couldn't go in, I was sobbing in the car and knew I would be a mess through the whole mtg. Maybe tomorrow.
I hope he does end up on my doorstep, so I can tell him to leave.
Lightseeker, you may be right about using sex as a drug. The way he lied and snuck around, and the guilt he says he feels is much the same way he acted when he was using, which was just 9 weeks ago.
I hope he does end up on my doorstep, so I can tell him to leave.
Lightseeker, you may be right about using sex as a drug. The way he lied and snuck around, and the guilt he says he feels is much the same way he acted when he was using, which was just 9 weeks ago.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Mitten2012 
Thank you everyone. I just tried to go to an alanon mtg, I made it to the parking lot but couldn't go in, I was sobbing in the car and knew I would be a mess through the whole mtg. Maybe tomorrow.
Sending you hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Thank God you get it and are taking the actions to protect yourself and your kids!! So many times women in your situation prolong the pain trying to keep it together.. My hat is off to you for that! You are light years ahead of many others and you and your children will benefit from your mental clarity!!
Feeling betrayed and rejected, always makes the pain worse...Just remember that this women is just his drug...Addicts do decay morally. You are strong to see this for what is is and not allow this in your life!!
HUGS
Feeling betrayed and rejected, always makes the pain worse...Just remember that this women is just his drug...Addicts do decay morally. You are strong to see this for what is is and not allow this in your life!!
HUGS
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lightseeker - I love the baindaide analogy. So true!!
Mitten - when I went to my first ala-non meeting, I cried throughout the whole meeting. They even had to stop and get me some tissues. The people there were wonderful especially after the meeting.
Just like here on SR, many people at the meetings have been where you are too. They really understand your pain. Then someday, you will be at a meeting, feeling strong and at peace and that broken hearted person will come in and cry through the whole meeting. It will give you an opportunity to measure your growth but also bring hope and compassion to that person. You will truly understand her pain but know she too will over come it.
I continue to strive to be the person (s) who hugged me and understood, yet had such peace about them. I look forward to that day..the day I can honestly give back...like so many there and here can.
I don't know your faith but leaning on and trusting God's love was essential for me to make it through another day, another hour, another minute. I will continue to pray for you and your boys.
Mitten - when I went to my first ala-non meeting, I cried throughout the whole meeting. They even had to stop and get me some tissues. The people there were wonderful especially after the meeting.
Just like here on SR, many people at the meetings have been where you are too. They really understand your pain. Then someday, you will be at a meeting, feeling strong and at peace and that broken hearted person will come in and cry through the whole meeting. It will give you an opportunity to measure your growth but also bring hope and compassion to that person. You will truly understand her pain but know she too will over come it.
I continue to strive to be the person (s) who hugged me and understood, yet had such peace about them. I look forward to that day..the day I can honestly give back...like so many there and here can.
I don't know your faith but leaning on and trusting God's love was essential for me to make it through another day, another hour, another minute. I will continue to pray for you and your boys.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
I am so sorry , i understand what you feel , but the good part is the desition you are making to protect yourself and move on ..sadly but true theyre always are playing with are emotion , and been selfish and liers is part of them ...i wish you my best ..
take care!
take care!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It hurts so badly I know. I am going through the hurt right now. I went into the basement today and saw how all of his stuff that was down there is gone and I never saw it leave the house. So I know he lied to me for quite some time, taking things out slowly every day so that I wouldn't know. But continued to live here while I supported him, acting like everything was normal. To have been so deceived while loving and caring about and for the person who has been lying to you just makes it all the worse. What is it Laurie here says? They are Self-Will run riot. No concern or even thought of how other people feel or how other people are affected, not even the children. They are disgusting excuses for human beings.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by amaslow
Thank God you get it and are taking the actions to protect yourself and your kids!! So many times women in your situation prolong the pain trying to keep it together.. My hat is off to you for that! You are light years ahead of many others and you and your children will benefit from your mental clarity!!
Feeling betrayed and rejected, always makes the pain worse...Just remember that this women is just his drug...Addicts do decay morally. You are strong to see this for what is is and not allow this in your life!!
HUGS
Feeling betrayed and rejected, always makes the pain worse...Just remember that this women is just his drug...Addicts do decay morally. You are strong to see this for what is is and not allow this in your life!!
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleig, nc
Posts: 39
i found someting similar with my eabf .. i cant believe how selfish and careless about other people feelings...broke my heart to see a human like that..! the worse part we still giving chances ...and the way they're make us feel ..shocking!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
So painful. Keep thinking about YOUR future with your children and don't worry about him. Do not contact him or help him out in anyway.
I have gone thru this. It does get better. The ups become more than the downs. But it hurts. Let yourself cry and feel the pain. Get some good therapy and ask yourself...what do you want to do next with your life? Because, you can do it. You deserve happiness. Good luck and forget him. You deserve so much better!
I have gone thru this. It does get better. The ups become more than the downs. But it hurts. Let yourself cry and feel the pain. Get some good therapy and ask yourself...what do you want to do next with your life? Because, you can do it. You deserve happiness. Good luck and forget him. You deserve so much better!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Addiction and FEBM (a term I coined during my interactions with an addict) go hand
in hand and are seemingly inseparable.
FEBM stands for (F--- everyone but me).It is the way they live and is completely
and absolutely incompatible with life in a social species such as humanity.It doesn't
virtually guarantee failure---it ABSOLUTELY guarantees failure.
Seen in this light,how "happy" he is in his little 'lust bubble' is the happiness a
condemned prisoner feels at his last meal.Food tastes great! But he KNOWS what
follows dessert and noone in the prison would exchange places with him even IF
it is steak and lobster.
NOONE.
We all know how bad you feel and empathize.But just for a moment,in spite of your
loss---think of how much HE has lost.His home,his family,his identity as a man and good
provider,his dignity.He has become a laughingstock--the trailer park
inseminating butt of jokes for the rest of his life.There is nothing more devastating than
that in a social species.....(to be laughed at!!!).......NOTHING.
Like an earlier poster alluded to.....his (whatever you want to call her).....sure won
a great prize! I'm sure that he will be faithful,true,and a fantastically productive man for
her.......(all the things he couldn't be for you.......because YOU were holding him back!!)
Fast forward to the days of regret(The wasteland of the 'coulda/'shoulda/'woulda).
I would share with you the last line of a private communication I sent to the addict in my
life....."You have surrendered everything of value in life and exchanged it for sh__.
I have done everything in my power to keep the abort option within your grasp.But now
you are past the point of commit---and must face the consequences of your choices."
Cry as much as you want today and for as long as you need to.You have lost so
very much.
He, on the other hand.........has lost EVERYTHING.
in hand and are seemingly inseparable.
FEBM stands for (F--- everyone but me).It is the way they live and is completely
and absolutely incompatible with life in a social species such as humanity.It doesn't
virtually guarantee failure---it ABSOLUTELY guarantees failure.
Seen in this light,how "happy" he is in his little 'lust bubble' is the happiness a
condemned prisoner feels at his last meal.Food tastes great! But he KNOWS what
follows dessert and noone in the prison would exchange places with him even IF
it is steak and lobster.
NOONE.
We all know how bad you feel and empathize.But just for a moment,in spite of your
loss---think of how much HE has lost.His home,his family,his identity as a man and good
provider,his dignity.He has become a laughingstock--the trailer park
inseminating butt of jokes for the rest of his life.There is nothing more devastating than
that in a social species.....(to be laughed at!!!).......NOTHING.
Like an earlier poster alluded to.....his (whatever you want to call her).....sure won
a great prize! I'm sure that he will be faithful,true,and a fantastically productive man for
her.......(all the things he couldn't be for you.......because YOU were holding him back!!)
Fast forward to the days of regret(The wasteland of the 'coulda/'shoulda/'woulda).
I would share with you the last line of a private communication I sent to the addict in my
life....."You have surrendered everything of value in life and exchanged it for sh__.
I have done everything in my power to keep the abort option within your grasp.But now
you are past the point of commit---and must face the consequences of your choices."
Cry as much as you want today and for as long as you need to.You have lost so
very much.
He, on the other hand.........has lost EVERYTHING.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you, Vale, for every single word of this.
Originally Posted by Vale
Addiction and FEBM (a term I coined during my interactions with an addict) go hand
in hand and are seemingly inseparable.
FEBM stands for (F--- everyone but me).It is the way they live and is completely
and absolutely incompatible with life in a social species such as humanity.It doesn't
virtually guarantee failure---it ABSOLUTELY guarantees failure.
Seen in this light,how "happy" he is in his little 'lust bubble' is the happiness a
condemned prisoner feels at his last meal.Food tastes great! But he KNOWS what
follows dessert and noone in the prison would exchange places with him even IF
it is steak and lobster.
NOONE.
We all know how bad you feel and empathize.But just for a moment,in spite of your
loss---think of how much HE has lost.His home,his family,his identity as a man and good
provider,his dignity.He has become a laughingstock--the trailer park
inseminating butt of jokes for the rest of his life.There is nothing more devastating than
that in a social species.....(to be laughed at!!!).......NOTHING.
Like an earlier poster alluded to.....his (whatever you want to call her).....sure won
a great prize! I'm sure that he will be faithful,true,and a fantastically productive man for
her.......(all the things he couldn't be for you.......because YOU were holding him back!!)
Fast forward to the days of regret(The wasteland of the 'coulda/'shoulda/'woulda).
I would share with you the last line of a private communication I sent to the addict in my
life....."You have surrendered everything of value in life and exchanged it for sh__.
I have done everything in my power to keep the abort option within your grasp.But now
you are past the point of commit---and must face the consequences of your choices."
Cry as much as you want today and for as long as you need to.You have lost so
very much.
He, on the other hand.........has lost EVERYTHING.
in hand and are seemingly inseparable.
FEBM stands for (F--- everyone but me).It is the way they live and is completely
and absolutely incompatible with life in a social species such as humanity.It doesn't
virtually guarantee failure---it ABSOLUTELY guarantees failure.
Seen in this light,how "happy" he is in his little 'lust bubble' is the happiness a
condemned prisoner feels at his last meal.Food tastes great! But he KNOWS what
follows dessert and noone in the prison would exchange places with him even IF
it is steak and lobster.
NOONE.
We all know how bad you feel and empathize.But just for a moment,in spite of your
loss---think of how much HE has lost.His home,his family,his identity as a man and good
provider,his dignity.He has become a laughingstock--the trailer park
inseminating butt of jokes for the rest of his life.There is nothing more devastating than
that in a social species.....(to be laughed at!!!).......NOTHING.
Like an earlier poster alluded to.....his (whatever you want to call her).....sure won
a great prize! I'm sure that he will be faithful,true,and a fantastically productive man for
her.......(all the things he couldn't be for you.......because YOU were holding him back!!)
Fast forward to the days of regret(The wasteland of the 'coulda/'shoulda/'woulda).
I would share with you the last line of a private communication I sent to the addict in my
life....."You have surrendered everything of value in life and exchanged it for sh__.
I have done everything in my power to keep the abort option within your grasp.But now
you are past the point of commit---and must face the consequences of your choices."
Cry as much as you want today and for as long as you need to.You have lost so
very much.
He, on the other hand.........has lost EVERYTHING.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
Vale - i like how you put it...HE LOST EVERYTHING!
My XABF's parents told me on several ocassions that xabf is blessed to have me in his life, and if he would be stupid if he let me go...straight from the parents mouth....he's dad told me that he wouldnt stop using for as long as this girl (the one that he traded me for) is seeing him (and i guess vice versa) because she likes drugs and likes wild sex (straight from dad's mouth, how he knows about this i dont know, maybe my xabf shared this info with him thinking how cool it is to have someone like that...they are not together....she just hangs in there i guess waiting for the right moment when he finally has no one and will go to her as a last resort)...his mom told me that he doesnt like this girl when she was introduced because she was dead drunk...dead drunk...can you imagine?
Parents, siblings (met 2 but not met his eldest sister) even told him that IM A KEEPER, because we really do share the same interest MINUS THE DRUGS/ALCOHOL and WEED, i guess they see his normalcy when we are together...but this girl was relentless, she never stopped, she keeps calling him...there was a point that i think he shut her off, but like a weed she just keeps coming back.
My xabf went on a month binge (March) that he didnt bother going to work...his parents talk to him on getting help...his mom asked me to stop caring (enabling), again we used to pay his bills, buying groceries and checking up on him constantly because we care...becasue we love him...until we wised up...well that's a harsh word and decided to stop being co-dependents.
I remember him asking me to help him pay his rent and I told him "You know how I very much like to be able to help you and I will help you any way I can, but I wont be able to pay your rent this time...because Im afraid if I do, you wont help yourself back up anymore"... Im not helping you, because I care and I love you...and just like that, a couple of days later he chose to be with this girl...I was in shock...upset and hurt.
So Mitten and to everyone, im sharing this i guess to agree with what Vale said...by dumping us ... they lost everything... now all they have is their addiction.
I read somewhere in this site...one of the threads that, this feeling...this hurt feeling, this pain that we feel right now...we wish that none would feel it....go through it because it really is too much....a heart can only take so much.
Just hang in there Mitten, by saying this I am also convincing myself...it may take a while but we will get there.
hugs to you.
My XABF's parents told me on several ocassions that xabf is blessed to have me in his life, and if he would be stupid if he let me go...straight from the parents mouth....he's dad told me that he wouldnt stop using for as long as this girl (the one that he traded me for) is seeing him (and i guess vice versa) because she likes drugs and likes wild sex (straight from dad's mouth, how he knows about this i dont know, maybe my xabf shared this info with him thinking how cool it is to have someone like that...they are not together....she just hangs in there i guess waiting for the right moment when he finally has no one and will go to her as a last resort)...his mom told me that he doesnt like this girl when she was introduced because she was dead drunk...dead drunk...can you imagine?
Parents, siblings (met 2 but not met his eldest sister) even told him that IM A KEEPER, because we really do share the same interest MINUS THE DRUGS/ALCOHOL and WEED, i guess they see his normalcy when we are together...but this girl was relentless, she never stopped, she keeps calling him...there was a point that i think he shut her off, but like a weed she just keeps coming back.
My xabf went on a month binge (March) that he didnt bother going to work...his parents talk to him on getting help...his mom asked me to stop caring (enabling), again we used to pay his bills, buying groceries and checking up on him constantly because we care...becasue we love him...until we wised up...well that's a harsh word and decided to stop being co-dependents.
I remember him asking me to help him pay his rent and I told him "You know how I very much like to be able to help you and I will help you any way I can, but I wont be able to pay your rent this time...because Im afraid if I do, you wont help yourself back up anymore"... Im not helping you, because I care and I love you...and just like that, a couple of days later he chose to be with this girl...I was in shock...upset and hurt.
So Mitten and to everyone, im sharing this i guess to agree with what Vale said...by dumping us ... they lost everything... now all they have is their addiction.
I read somewhere in this site...one of the threads that, this feeling...this hurt feeling, this pain that we feel right now...we wish that none would feel it....go through it because it really is too much....a heart can only take so much.
Just hang in there Mitten, by saying this I am also convincing myself...it may take a while but we will get there.
hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Mittens, I am sorry for your pain. I have been there and I know how much it hurts. My ex begged for months to come back home all the while in a relationship with someone he met in AA. This sure seems to be commonplace on these boards! If it is any small consolation, look at what the new one is getting. Nothing changes if nothing changes and he has not changed. He will not treat this one any "better" than he treated you, that is for certain. Stay strong, get your affairs in order and focus on you and your kids. You are going to have good days and bad days, that is to be expected while grieving. Lots of self care, get to your own meetings, reach out to people and concentrate on your precious children. And when he comes knocking at your door again (cuz he will) I hope you are in a much better place and don't bother with him at all , or, at the very least, tell him to go to Hades..lol. There is no fast way or miracle cure for our pain...the old cliche is very true, time heals all wounds. It just takes time. I promise you will get through this and one day you will realize that you are having many more good days than bad. Hugs to you!
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