HeWhoSleeps

I am posting this thread because I am desperately trying to start making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Tonight inspiration hit me and I wrote stream-of-consciousness and I feel like I have to get it out here at SR. I have taken the liberty to make a new (I think? Please lemme know if I'm incorrect) acronym. MA=My Addict. This is what I have so far:

I'm Addicted to my Addict.
It sounds ridiculous, even to me, but I know that it is true.
I get so defensive about my relationship with MA that none of my family knows I've been seeing him since 2010. Only three of my friends know, and two of them were told within the past five to six months. I ISOLATE myself for MA, because I am Addicted to MA.
I have, in the past, neglected people whom I love dearly. I have neglected even my most basic of duties to my wonderful family. I have neglected my closest of friends. I have neglected my own inner child and gift of creativity, things which at one time I cherished most about myself and had confidence in. I NEGLECT myself and all of these things for MA, because I am Addicted to MA.
When I'm not with MA, I'm thinking about MA. He is constantly on my mind so much it sometimes takes an extremely focused effort on my part to go about my own business. Even so I sometimes find myself checking my phone sporadically, uncontrollably. Sometimes I find myself checking on a text message from him without having realized I even reached for my phone. When MA calls or texts me, which at times he can be relentless, the sound of my phone going off both exhilarates me and makes me sick deep in the pit of my stomach. I make myself SICK over MA, because I am Addicted to MA.
Things with MA never "go well" for long. Einstein once said that the very definition of insanity was trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Knowing what I have seen in my relationship with MA, I can no longer say with 100% certainty and conviction that MA is good for me. I feel insane with MA but I can't stop trying to maintain the same relationship with him over and over, thinking each time maybe it will work this time. Like a robot I practice Einstein's definition of INSANITY in an attempt to keep MA in my life, because I am Addicted to MA.
After so much time with this insanity in my life, it has become my life, and my life is not what I want for myself. Lately, more and more I've changed somehow and I now sometimes feel anger, disgust, betrayal, cuttingly bitter sorrow, depression, or just plain numb about myself and MA. Even so, despite the clockwork upheavals and further mounting devastations I choose to stay. When I have been strong enough to leave MA I have always crumbled. I crumble because I fear, obsess, worry, suffer and shake without MA. I crumble because my heart races and I wish to control it by pretending I can control my relationship with MA. I crumble because I can't believe my relationship with MA is as bad as it seemed "before", or that it was "all lies", or that it was "all for nothing". I make excuses to let MA back in my life and I will actively seek him out and pursue him. I seek and pursue MA even when I CHOOSE TO STOP, because I am Addicted to MA.

That's all I have so far. I wanted to close with something my Mother said today on the phone. Funny how even when you don't tell them everything Momma's have way of saying something that sticks.
She said, "There are no guarantees for God's people." (She considers herself and I to be ones. I am less religious than her in this way, but I respect her beliefs and mostly just listen to the main message to be honest. I'm not good with tackling that whole God thing.)
"****," she said, "They crucified Christ and annihilated his disciples! So you KNOW nobody's safe! But there are only two choices in life, one being you LIVE YOUR LIFE WIDE EYED IN THE LIGHT, no matter how uncertain, no matter no guarantees."

"The other choice is," she said, "a walking death. And that is not acceptable."

Thank you for letting me share.

Krystal32

HeWhoSleeps- I just have to say that I LOVE ur posts, they are so powerful and hit me right in the heart. U are so brutally honest and I admire that about u. Thank u for this

Learn2Live

What an amazing post, HeWhoSleeps. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Freyja

Thanks so much for this post. I really wasnt sure if I was in the right place, but after reading your post I know that I am. I am in the same, I mean the exact same situation with my MA....I'm addicted to him....and I dont know how to get clean!!! I look forward to so much more advice and chats with others on this site. This place might actually help me, at least I know people here understand, and that is really what I'm looking for right now. Thanks so much for this, its really good to just see that I'm not alone.

crazybabie

I can remember when I was at that level of addiction to my AH, I always loved Beyonce's song Poison because it seemed to fit. I am working on my recovery from my AH and my codependent and I must say it feels so good to not be addicted to MA at that extreme anymore.

neferkamichael

HeWhoSleeps, you are FANTASTIC.

Lara

Hi Hewhosleeps....my God! Your post hit me like a ton of bricks....sounds like ME!!!!!!!! Thank you for your brutal honesty..... now where too next? Are you any closer to letting go? Walking away??? May I ask, what is your own history? Do you come from a codependent back ground??? Only from joining SR do I realise how codependent I am!! Frightening!!! And I thought I was all together, strong, capable and could conquer the world!!!!!!!All the best to you!

Lara

Hi Freyja thank you for your post - I am also in exactly the same place... when I first joined SR in early July - it was only sheer desperation and heartache - after loving H and being best friends for over 15 years - and then having an intimate relationship with him for the past 7 or so years.... BEFORE he became an addict (or are they always addicts???) - supporting him through cocaine rehab and now he's in first year of recovery... after planning a future together blah, blah, blah - he told me out of the blue about 4 weeks ago - well not exactly 'told' me - just one night never arrived to take me out to dinner, did not take a single call of mine - about 5 days later I met up with him - I asked him what's wrong - and he literally screamed at me to 'get the hell out of his life'.... you can follow my thread 'is there ever hope of a loving relationship' & 'Am I losing my friend'....some good advice.

But to be honest, when I first joined SR and read the comments, I was hurt and even more confused - I believed H was different - and that my story with H is different - that somehow we could make it - and that somehow the other members on SR just did not see how different H and I are - that this was not some quick romance - that our relationship has been deep and intense for many many years - but now, as the weeks go by- and with more support from SR - I am realising that this is so much about me and has nothing to do with H (my 'recovering' love of my life).... that this journey is now MINE - and I need to sort myself out - that i am so co-depedent...whilst all the time I believed I was just being a loving, completely supportive friend / girlfriend / future wife.....

Let me know how you are doing???

Mitten2012

Great post, exactly how I feel. It's amazing there are so many people in the same place, yet you can still feel so alone.

Vale

HeWhoSleeps........awesome,simply AWESOME!

(Thank You)

Learn2Live

You are not alone, Mitten2012. We are all here for you.

Katiekate

HeWhoSleeps

"Do you come from a codependent back ground??? "

To answer your question Lara I've been thinking about this a bit actually. I don't know. LOL! I can say I don't think so. Which is actually really frustrating to me because it would be great if I could say 'yes' because then I feel like I'd be halfway to solving my problems or something.
Honestly I think more than anything it has to do with my christian upbringing and the ideals that I was molded with by my family. Those being that forgiveness is possible and available to everyone. That, more importantly in my opinion, redemption is too. That no one is too far removed to be lost forever if they don't want to be. I can also be VERY trusting and it's something that's gotten me burned before. I see my fellow woman/man and I say, "Hey, there but by the grace of the universe or god or the goddess or whatever...that person there could be me."
And this in turn makes me desire to practice compassion and understanding and forgiveness and etc.
I often feel like I have so much to give.
Is that a history of co dependance? What if you are the type of person to try to apply it to everyone all the time and not just one person? I really don't know. I'm open to input on this subject.

I'm really glad this thread got so much feedback. You guys help me know I'm in the right place too. And that's more important to my sanity right now than I think any of you could realize without looking into my eyes. I really appreciate it and just thank you for the warmth and support.

Learn2Live

I am the same way, I take care of others. It is my nature. I can call it whatever I like, maternal instinct, codependent, caretaker. It doesn't matter what you call it. What matters is that this is a pattern that gets me into trouble time and time again. It has cost me a HUGE sum of money over the years. Close to $50,000 in total...me....HELPING people.

Lara

Hi HeWhoSleeps and everyone else reading this thread....I know I seem to now be repeating myself...but just can't get over a few issues. I KNOW now, since joining SR that what I use to consider 'normal supportive' behaviour - when 'supporting' my RA boyfriend - is actually codependent (to a degree).... but what I find so hard to get my head around is the fact that I am told by so many people to walk away from H- that I am almost 99% guaranteed a life of hell and misery. Yet, I sit here thinking, H was 'only' a cocaine addict for 4 years (Dear God - am I losing my mind by using the term 'only'??) and he put himself into rehab! It's now been a year (and the scary thing from reading the posts on SR is I am no longer sure if he is even in recovery anymore - by his peculiar behaviour of late)....what I find so sad though (and I am sure HeWhoSleeps and others can relate) is I always believed too that everyone has a chance at this life - and that true love is unconditional, does not judge, and lasts forever..... this is how I believe my love is for H.... unconditional. I don't support him expecting an outcome. I just pray for his recovery. But then I suppose where SR is right - is what about ME? I cannont honestly say to all of you, that through these past 5 years of H's addiction that I have not put my life on hold. I realise now I have. And I suppose, this is where the problem lies. We can love our addicts unconditionally, and pray for their recovery - but when we allow our own lives (which is a gift from God) to fade in the shadows of addiction - then we are not living for ourselves. We are not living our lives as God intended.....we are not loving ourselves with the same unconditional love we have for our addicts... then where is the love?