mayan

good day to everyone. i am a wife who would like to ask for supportive advise from my new friends on this site. This is all new to me so please bear with me guys.
I am married to a substance dependent husband who had sought rehabilitation in his past and has relapsed. I know him since we were young. he got divorced in 2009 and we got married in 2010. We are sooooo far apart, physically. That makes it soooo difficullt. He's in the US, I am here in Asia, awaiting for my visa so i can join him. For nearly two years that we were married, with schedules of him visiting me every 6 months, he had a total of 4 relapses, two days ago was the latest. In all these relapses, he humbly admitted everything on the phone. i listen to him with all my heart. I always believe that as his wife, I should be there to listen. In all those talks, he reaches out for me, and wished that I am there, physically with him, for support, for a hug, for a hold in his hand, as he fights his battle. This morning, he had initiated to join a Nar-An meeting. I encouraged him to go ahead, and believed that it'll work for him. I want to be with him on this battle. but the distance between us is making it so difficult. I feel his honesty of wanting a new life.How do i do it? what more could i possibly do to let him know that i am here for him as a wife to support and believe that he wants to lead a new life if i cannot be there physically? Am wounded as well. please help me know how to handle this. Thank you. I would really appreciate your replies and advises.

Ann

I don't know what to tell you about your situation, you are a continent apart and even if you were there with him, my guess is he would use anyway.

Read around here, read the posts at the top of the front page of this forum, and maybe get some idea of what may lie ahead for you if you continue with this man. It is entirely up to you whether you stay or go, but standing by him won't change him...and if he is active in addiction, it very well may affect you in a bad way.

Glad you joined us, good luck.

Hugs

soberbrooke

I am new to this part of the site, but someone with more experience will be here shortly.
I can only tell you my experiences.
I met my ex- addicted boyfriend back in 1987, and then again in 1998, we were 28. I had a Metaphysical Bookstore, was going to all kinds of different meetings, A Course in Miracles, Edgar Cayce, Reiki, all the things I loved to do, and then I met HIM.
We got pregnant the first time we had sex, and I had the baby boy in 1999. I then became pregnant again and had the other boy in 2000.
I ended up shutting down my store, moving with him to a different city, and it has been Hell ever since.
I had us in counseling the first year we were together, he smoked pot and I drank socially. The counselor told me he would NEVER change, and he didn't. I have now left him after 15 years, and am feeling so much better.
I became an alcoholic, I became just like him. I wish I could give you hope, but all my hope started when I left him a month ago. I felt hopeless and drained the whole relationship. He used and abused me, he lied, he cheated, he stole, he lies to even his good friends and his mom and dad.

If I was going to give advice, which I usually don't, but I would say stay where you are. Let him get better on his own. You will be much better off.

Learn2Live

Please read the posts on this forum from all the other people who are the loved ones of addicts. You will begin to see the effects of living with and trying to help an addict. You cannot help an addict. And anything you do will only enable them to continue to use. Helping them actually hurts them, though it may make you feel better in the short-term. An addict needs to manage his own recovery himself.

Please take the best care of yourSELF as you possibly can.

mayan

how could i thank you guys for these? i will take the time to ponder on what you have shared. taking the time to read what i posted is a big thing for me. thank you so very much. i am still wounded, and i know there isn't an easy way to make a decision. but i know i have a choice. i'll get there. for now, im staying. God help me. because i love this guy so much, am giving it a try. I still hope to read and hear from you guys sooon. so glad i have found this blog experience...

mayan

by the way, he's in a Nar A meeting right now. am crossing my fingers.

crazybabie

Thank those who replied by reading the post suggested ?

mayan

I am reading all the replies and i really do appreciate. This is actually my 4th time reading everything. Thank you.

mayan

Hi Ann. Thank you. This thought came to me, how, as a member of the family, can we help? how can we "be there"? what words am i suppose to say to him? do i let him know am hurting? or is it better to keep silent? thank you Ann.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort and support here.

We are very big on self care here. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our addicted loved ones is to take care of ourselves.

gentle hugs
ke

mayan

Thanks kindeyes. That's one of the reasons why am here. How do i take care of myself? I am deeply wounded so as everybody else who has an addicted family member. where do i pull the courage? from whom? these are my questions. How do i treat my husband? what words do i use when we talk? things like that. I am very sorry, for asking questions like these that sounds so basic maybe, but i have poor judgment right now. I appreciate you guys for giving me the attention.

Learn2Live

Mayan, please do not apologize for asking questions. None of your questions are basic. So many of us come here hurt, confused, and wanting to help our loved ones with addiction and alcoholism. It is okay.

When I first discovered that my loved one's addiction was affecting me, I started going to Al-Anon. Have you heard of it? You can Google Al-Anon and the name of your country to determine whether there are meetings there.

Also, read as much as you can about addiction. Usually you can Google the drug he prefers and "addiction" and get some good sources of information. Knowledge is power so learn as much as you can.

Look for resources for families of addicts in your community. Perhaps there are support groups, if not Al-Anon, at your local hospital. You could also ask your doctor for local resources and information to help you better understand addiction.

I understand you are worried about your spouse and want to help him. Please understand that recovery from addiction is much like getting an education: NO ONE can do it for the addict. The addict must want recovery for himself. There are no words you can speak that will help him. The best thing you cam do for him is take the best care of yourself as you possibly can. Do not do anything for him that a grown adult can do for himself.

mayan

I will keep your kind words in my mind. I'll start reading. Every single replies and posts in here makes my day. Special thanks Learn2Live. I am taking this one day at a time.

Lara

Hi Learn2LIve - these words of yours are so true - I would never have believed them before joinging SR - that so much of what WE (the non addicts in our addicts lives do) is so often about US - and our needs to be seen as the 'helpers' and the ones in 'control'.... we really have to deeply address our true intentions.... why are we with the addict?? To make ourselves feel better????