At a loss-what do I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
At a loss-what do I do?
Hi, I'm new here.
I'm going to jump right in because I am about to lose my mind here
A few months ago, I found out about my husband's addiction to Vicodin. We had some serious discussions and he quit. He said he didn't think he could he quit on his own and hed tried a few times. He'd been taking pills for close to ten years in increasing occasionally until he was at about 10 a day (10mg). Sometimes more, sometimes less. He Tapered for about a week. And then stopped.
The past month or so, ive felt he's been taking pills again. I have no reason to think this. I just do.
I have no proof, no concrete evidence. It's just a feeling.
I finally told him and he is insistent that he's not on anything.
Is there any way to know for sure? What do I do now? This has turned my life upside down. We have two children as I need to protect them. If he's using again, he can't be trusted with them. He's adores our children and would never intentionally hurt them but I worry about him falling asleep if I'm not there or something. I don't know.
What do I do now? I feel like my perfect life has been a complete lie.
I'm going to jump right in because I am about to lose my mind here
A few months ago, I found out about my husband's addiction to Vicodin. We had some serious discussions and he quit. He said he didn't think he could he quit on his own and hed tried a few times. He'd been taking pills for close to ten years in increasing occasionally until he was at about 10 a day (10mg). Sometimes more, sometimes less. He Tapered for about a week. And then stopped.
The past month or so, ive felt he's been taking pills again. I have no reason to think this. I just do.
I have no proof, no concrete evidence. It's just a feeling.
I finally told him and he is insistent that he's not on anything.
Is there any way to know for sure? What do I do now? This has turned my life upside down. We have two children as I need to protect them. If he's using again, he can't be trusted with them. He's adores our children and would never intentionally hurt them but I worry about him falling asleep if I'm not there or something. I don't know.
What do I do now? I feel like my perfect life has been a complete lie.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I understand the feeling that your life has been a complete lie. I know it all too well. I don't know what to believe about the last few years of my life. What was real? What was faked?
I don't know how you find out the truth about whether or not he is using again. But, chances are, with a 10 year drug habit, it's not going to just magically go away. With addicts and alcoholics I have had to learn how to trust my instincts. I actually find I must live by those words.
I don't know how you find out the truth about whether or not he is using again. But, chances are, with a 10 year drug habit, it's not going to just magically go away. With addicts and alcoholics I have had to learn how to trust my instincts. I actually find I must live by those words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
WorriedMama, I am so sorry ur going through this but u have found ur way to the right place. I know exactly how ur feeling and it's like a punch in the stomach. Let me just say to trust ur instincts. That nagging feeling u have in the pit of ur stomach is almost certainly dead on. My fiance relapsed 2 months ago and I just found out about it a week ago but I knew something was off for a while. How did I get him to finally admit it? I basically had to corner him with an at home drug test. I'm not by any means suggesting u do this, I'm just pointing out how far they will take a lie. Asking him over and over again and expecting him to tell the truth was completely pointless.
There's really no way for u to find out for sure, eventually it will reveal itself, it always does. But like I said, trust ur instincts. I always pushed mine aside which has gotten me nowhere. What I do suggest to u is to maybe possibly get urself to an alanon or naranon meeting and keep posting here. Do all u can to help urself. The support here is amazing and has been a lifesaver for me. I will keep u and ur family in my prayers. Big hugs to u!
Krystal
There's really no way for u to find out for sure, eventually it will reveal itself, it always does. But like I said, trust ur instincts. I always pushed mine aside which has gotten me nowhere. What I do suggest to u is to maybe possibly get urself to an alanon or naranon meeting and keep posting here. Do all u can to help urself. The support here is amazing and has been a lifesaver for me. I will keep u and ur family in my prayers. Big hugs to u!
Krystal
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The gut feelings usually are dead on.
And behaviors always shows what is up.
Have you spoken to him at all about your feelings. And I am not talking about questioning, or accusing I don’t question I state what I feel.
So can you tell him how you feel, and your concerns. And if you can’t, to me that would worry me more than him using at this point.
If he a productive member of the household? Does he work, are the bills paid, is he meeting his responsibilities….is the blame game around …. Does he compare out when he talks , I am not as bad as, I wasn’t as bad as …
Has he sought out any help? Went to meetings, counseling, found an addiction doctor or a trusted friend that he can be honest with and vent too?
Did he cut himself off from his supplier, be it a friend a doctor?
And I am curious what is it about what he does that has you worried…
And also have you since you found out sought out help for yourself, not him but you??? And that is the most important thing, to help you because there is no way to help him …
Education is key, read up on enabling, codependency, addiction.
And behaviors always shows what is up.
Have you spoken to him at all about your feelings. And I am not talking about questioning, or accusing I don’t question I state what I feel.
So can you tell him how you feel, and your concerns. And if you can’t, to me that would worry me more than him using at this point.
If he a productive member of the household? Does he work, are the bills paid, is he meeting his responsibilities….is the blame game around …. Does he compare out when he talks , I am not as bad as, I wasn’t as bad as …
Has he sought out any help? Went to meetings, counseling, found an addiction doctor or a trusted friend that he can be honest with and vent too?
Did he cut himself off from his supplier, be it a friend a doctor?
And I am curious what is it about what he does that has you worried…
And also have you since you found out sought out help for yourself, not him but you??? And that is the most important thing, to help you because there is no way to help him …
Education is key, read up on enabling, codependency, addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Hi WorriedMama,
Sorry for your distress. If your husband admits to a decade-long habit, it seems unrealistic that he will quit and stay clean on his own without meetings and/or professional help.
The best thing you can do now for your children especially is to get to meetings as was suggested. Alanon, Naranon and/or Families Anonymous (though the FA meetings I attend are primarily attended by parents of addicted offspring or parents of children with serious psychiatric issues). Nevertheless, there is incredible support and information available.
I'm also a firm believer in trusting your instincts. The biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life have been the result of not listening to that gut feeling, that inner knowing. I'm not saying panic or despair over what your gut is telling you, just honor it and seek out some good help. It is out there.
Blessings to you and your family.
Sorry for your distress. If your husband admits to a decade-long habit, it seems unrealistic that he will quit and stay clean on his own without meetings and/or professional help.
The best thing you can do now for your children especially is to get to meetings as was suggested. Alanon, Naranon and/or Families Anonymous (though the FA meetings I attend are primarily attended by parents of addicted offspring or parents of children with serious psychiatric issues). Nevertheless, there is incredible support and information available.
I'm also a firm believer in trusting your instincts. The biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life have been the result of not listening to that gut feeling, that inner knowing. I'm not saying panic or despair over what your gut is telling you, just honor it and seek out some good help. It is out there.
Blessings to you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
The gut feelings usually are dead on.
And behaviors always shows what is up.
Have you spoken to him at all about your feelings. And I am not talking about questioning, or accusing I don’t question I state what I feel.
So can you tell him how you feel, and your concerns. And if you can’t, to me that would worry me more than him using at this point.
If he a productive member of the household? Does he work, are the bills paid, is he meeting his responsibilities….is the blame game around …. Does he compare out when he talks , I am not as bad as, I wasn’t as bad as …
Has he sought out any help? Went to meetings, counseling, found an addiction doctor or a trusted friend that he can be honest with and vent too?
Did he cut himself off from his supplier, be it a friend a doctor?
And I am curious what is it about what he does that has you worried…
And also have you since you found out sought out help for yourself, not him but you??? And that is the most important thing, to help you because there is no way to help him …
Education is key, read up on enabling, codependency, addiction.
And behaviors always shows what is up.
Have you spoken to him at all about your feelings. And I am not talking about questioning, or accusing I don’t question I state what I feel.
So can you tell him how you feel, and your concerns. And if you can’t, to me that would worry me more than him using at this point.
If he a productive member of the household? Does he work, are the bills paid, is he meeting his responsibilities….is the blame game around …. Does he compare out when he talks , I am not as bad as, I wasn’t as bad as …
Has he sought out any help? Went to meetings, counseling, found an addiction doctor or a trusted friend that he can be honest with and vent too?
Did he cut himself off from his supplier, be it a friend a doctor?
And I am curious what is it about what he does that has you worried…
And also have you since you found out sought out help for yourself, not him but you??? And that is the most important thing, to help you because there is no way to help him …
Education is key, read up on enabling, codependency, addiction.
I told him that it kills me, but I can't help it. I worry and wonder. Every thing he says, i wonder if it's true. He says he understands.
He suggested a drug test. Even with that, I feel he's just suggesting that so I believe him and drop it.
I feel like maybe it is all in my head. But after realizing he's had a 10 year addiction, can I be blamed for it?
He confessed (when I found out about the addiction) about some debt and we got that taken care of. His paychecks were close to $600 higher than I thought...and it was all going to his habit.
However, he definitely is a productive member of our household and always has been. He helps around the house, he's a loving father and dotes on our boys. He has a job and does well at work (always has, even during the drug use).
It's so hard, because I keep thinking about all the little lies (big lies, really) throughout the years. He'd tell me his raise was delayed for some reason, things like that. It's hard to reconcile a man that lies so easily with the man I thought I knew. Maybe that's why I am doubting every word that he says.
He says he is glad I found out because he knew he couldn't quit on his own. He loves our children SO MUCH. I know he quit because he was so scared to lose them. He really is a great man. But a great man with a serious problem. I do believe he quit. I just feel like he's relapsed, or at least used a couple times.
I'm scared. I'm scared of our children being taken away if someone finds out about his addiction. I worry about going to a meeting. Is that silly?
We talked today, and he said he's willing to do what it takes to make me trust him again. He's giving me his paycheck stubs, his mail key and is willing to do drug tests.
Part of me is glad that he's willing...part of me still wonders.
Does this ever go away?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
It's not silly at all to be scared to go to a meeting. I felt the same way. I was very hesitant, I put it off for months and when I finally went I was sooooooo nervous but once everyone settled down and the sharing began, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. One suggestion I would make is when u do decide to go, try to get to a beginners meeting. Those are the best when it's all new to u
Oh, and the whole thing with agreeing to a drug test. My fiance was all for it until I actually had it in my possession and then that's when he started throwing every excuse at me to not take it.
Oh, and the whole thing with agreeing to a drug test. My fiance was all for it until I actually had it in my possession and then that's when he started throwing every excuse at me to not take it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
This post thread really got to me because WorriedMomma4, you sound like me at the beginning of my roller coaster ride from hell with my heroin addict boyfriend I've known for nearly ten years.
My first advice to you is YES PLEASE GET YOURSELF A SUPPORT BASIS RIGHT NOW. Even if you think it's premature or if your husband convinces you somehow its unnecessary or you feel some kind of fear about losing your kids YOU NEED HELP. I encourage you to continue posting here AND go to a meeting. If for nothing else for emotional support. This is a HEAVY load on your heart, your mind, and your soul right now. I bet you worry about it pretty much constantly and that just thinking too much about it makes you sick with the possibilities. I have BEEN there.
You can say AS MUCH or AS LITTLE as you want at a meeting. I'm not advocating LYING I'm just saying if you are not comfortable mentioning your children the meeting can still help YOU. (Though I'm positive you'd be surprised how many women will understand having kids and being in your situation. The more you go to meetings the more you will meet them. You are NOT alone.) Besides, your name is WorriedMomma and I can tell you're not the type of woman who would, once convinced her children were in danger or suffering, stay in the same detrimental situation. So don't worry about that before you STABILIZE yourself. You need to be supported into a HEALTHIER way of thinking than your current one.
What do I mean by your current way of thinking? You asked at the end of your last post if this "ever goes away". That really made me identify with myself. I took that to mean that you are already to the point where you're not even sure WHAT it would take to "get your life back" (not using quotes because you said it, just using it as a phrase m'dear). That's how I understood that.
I FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY AB.
He WOULD offer me things just to put me off for a while or have me drop it as good enough or something. He WOULD offer to let me IN and SHOW me things, give me ACCESS to his PERSONAL life so there could be a HEALING OF TRUST. Sounds great, right? Wrong. Things fell between the cracks, promises of follow-through were broken repeatedly, he'd feign amnesia (kidding) , you name it. I would literally FIND drugs or paraphernalia in his room, car, on his person, etc. and he would look me in THE EYE and act innocent. Wow. WOW.
Let that sink in. You're right...how are you suppose to ever trust that again? How are you suppose to ever not question again. How are you suppose to feel complete security and safety for yourself, let alone kids, with this guy ever again if you can't trust him?...these are the scariest questions you will ask yourself because you already know the answer. At least that was the case with me. And it took me nearly ten years to get to the point where I am now because for more than half of them I didn't seek HELP and COMMUNITY and SUPPORT because I didn't know to look for it. I probably could have saved myself a LOT of hassle by putting myself into a healthy and supported mindset right away to face whatever the future held.
You know to look for help, you desire help. Please give yourself this gift without fear. Trust your gut. Be the more than competently protective momma you know yourself to be. And don't stop posting.
Oh, and if all of this is WA-AY off base, I apologize. But I went with my gut.
If you type 'NA' into the Google search engine the second site to come up should be NA Meeting Locator. Select it and you will have the option to enter in information about where you live (zip, etc) and it will generate a list of meetings/times/etc within whatever mile radius of you that you select. And I agree with Krystal. Beginners meetings are best especially if you are nervous. However if you are really feeling like you need to go, take a leap of faith. You can always opt not to share if you don't want to (its not required) and I doubt that you would regret the experience.
My first advice to you is YES PLEASE GET YOURSELF A SUPPORT BASIS RIGHT NOW. Even if you think it's premature or if your husband convinces you somehow its unnecessary or you feel some kind of fear about losing your kids YOU NEED HELP. I encourage you to continue posting here AND go to a meeting. If for nothing else for emotional support. This is a HEAVY load on your heart, your mind, and your soul right now. I bet you worry about it pretty much constantly and that just thinking too much about it makes you sick with the possibilities. I have BEEN there.
You can say AS MUCH or AS LITTLE as you want at a meeting. I'm not advocating LYING I'm just saying if you are not comfortable mentioning your children the meeting can still help YOU. (Though I'm positive you'd be surprised how many women will understand having kids and being in your situation. The more you go to meetings the more you will meet them. You are NOT alone.) Besides, your name is WorriedMomma and I can tell you're not the type of woman who would, once convinced her children were in danger or suffering, stay in the same detrimental situation. So don't worry about that before you STABILIZE yourself. You need to be supported into a HEALTHIER way of thinking than your current one.
What do I mean by your current way of thinking? You asked at the end of your last post if this "ever goes away". That really made me identify with myself. I took that to mean that you are already to the point where you're not even sure WHAT it would take to "get your life back" (not using quotes because you said it, just using it as a phrase m'dear). That's how I understood that.
I FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY AB.
He WOULD offer me things just to put me off for a while or have me drop it as good enough or something. He WOULD offer to let me IN and SHOW me things, give me ACCESS to his PERSONAL life so there could be a HEALING OF TRUST. Sounds great, right? Wrong. Things fell between the cracks, promises of follow-through were broken repeatedly, he'd feign amnesia (kidding) , you name it. I would literally FIND drugs or paraphernalia in his room, car, on his person, etc. and he would look me in THE EYE and act innocent. Wow. WOW.
Let that sink in. You're right...how are you suppose to ever trust that again? How are you suppose to ever not question again. How are you suppose to feel complete security and safety for yourself, let alone kids, with this guy ever again if you can't trust him?...these are the scariest questions you will ask yourself because you already know the answer. At least that was the case with me. And it took me nearly ten years to get to the point where I am now because for more than half of them I didn't seek HELP and COMMUNITY and SUPPORT because I didn't know to look for it. I probably could have saved myself a LOT of hassle by putting myself into a healthy and supported mindset right away to face whatever the future held.
You know to look for help, you desire help. Please give yourself this gift without fear. Trust your gut. Be the more than competently protective momma you know yourself to be. And don't stop posting.
Oh, and if all of this is WA-AY off base, I apologize. But I went with my gut.
If you type 'NA' into the Google search engine the second site to come up should be NA Meeting Locator. Select it and you will have the option to enter in information about where you live (zip, etc) and it will generate a list of meetings/times/etc within whatever mile radius of you that you select. And I agree with Krystal. Beginners meetings are best especially if you are nervous. However if you are really feeling like you need to go, take a leap of faith. You can always opt not to share if you don't want to (its not required) and I doubt that you would regret the experience.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
My fiance is addicted to pills but I go to alanon cause there's no naranon meetings near me. Alanon is just as good as naranon from what I've been told. But do what was suggested above, look on Goggle. But just make sure u look up naranon/alanon cause NA/AA could lead to u a narcotics or alcoholics anonymous meeting and that's for the addicts. Just don't want u to end up at the wrong place 
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey worriedmama
I'm kinda new here so I'm sorry I don't really have advice but just want to say I completely understand what you mean about trusting them. I am going through this now with my AF (addicted fiance). I'm going to post up the latest story here sometime this afternoon. It is very hard and to see such a good person just have no regard to anything else in life. And sounds like he loves your guyes kids a lot. Yet, there always that what if, and that gut feeling that never goes away. It tears ya apart inside and it does make you crazy! Again so sorry I don't have advice, I still trying to figure out what to do with my situation but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and if ya ever need to talk or vent, feel free to hit me up....hang in there
I'm kinda new here so I'm sorry I don't really have advice but just want to say I completely understand what you mean about trusting them. I am going through this now with my AF (addicted fiance). I'm going to post up the latest story here sometime this afternoon. It is very hard and to see such a good person just have no regard to anything else in life. And sounds like he loves your guyes kids a lot. Yet, there always that what if, and that gut feeling that never goes away. It tears ya apart inside and it does make you crazy! Again so sorry I don't have advice, I still trying to figure out what to do with my situation but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and if ya ever need to talk or vent, feel free to hit me up....hang in there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Krystal32
My fiance is addicted to pills but I go to alanon cause there's no naranon meetings near me. Alanon is just as good as naranon from what I've been told. But do what was suggested above, look on Goggle. But just make sure u look up naranon/alanon cause NA/AA could lead to u a narcotics or alcoholics anonymous meeting and that's for the addicts. Just don't want u to end up at the wrong place
My husband is willing to go too. We were thinking about going together.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Naranon is for friends and family of addicts.
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics.
NA is Narcotics Anonymous - for addicts.
AA is Alcoholics Anonymous - for alcoholics.
You can attend NA or AA if it is an OPEN meeting, since you are not an alcoholic or addict.
My opinion is that you would benefit greatly from Naranon or Alanon.
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics.
NA is Narcotics Anonymous - for addicts.
AA is Alcoholics Anonymous - for alcoholics.
You can attend NA or AA if it is an OPEN meeting, since you are not an alcoholic or addict.
My opinion is that you would benefit greatly from Naranon or Alanon.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Some links that may be of use to you:
NA
Alcoholics Anonymous :
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
http://www.nar-anon.org
NA
Alcoholics Anonymous :
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
http://www.nar-anon.org
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Yeah, they're different. AA-Alcoholics Anonymous and NA-Narcotics Anonymous are primarily for the addicts, although they do have "open" meetings when friends or family of the addict can attend also. Alanon and Naranon are for YOU, the loved one of the addict. I understand ur wanting to share this with ur husband but I would HIGHLY suggest going by urself, ur husband being there with u can be distraction and an alanon meeting is time for u to focus on YOU. As people said above, u don't have to share but say u do end up wanting to, with ur husband there, u may not be able to express urself as freely. It's ur choice whether u go with him or not, I'm just sharing my experience with u
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
Some links that may be of use to you:
OK, so I found a meeting via the nar-anon site that's kind of close to me. I'm in suburb west of Houston. But it doesn't say if it's a beginner's meeting, whether it's a discussion meeting or a speaker meeting. I feel so lost and stupid. This is all so new to me.
I also found a much closer alanon meeting, too.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Don't feel stupid. Most of us were scared and confused at first.
You are welcome to go to any Naranon meeting at all. Once you get there, you can get more information on the different types of meetings available. You'll be just fine.
You are welcome to go to any Naranon meeting at all. Once you get there, you can get more information on the different types of meetings available. You'll be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Please don't feel stupid, it is confusing and scary but like PaperDolls said, u will get all the info that u need once u go there and if the alanon meeting is closer and more convenient for u, u can go there also. Believe me, either way when u get there, people will be waiting with open arms
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