confronting my AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
confronting my AH
I'm close to the point where I've had enough and can walk away...so recently, my mind has been filled with scenereos of how I will leave and/or confront my AH once I'm ready.
The 2 options in my mind:
1. My first instict was to have my bags packed, and when he arrives home from work I'll say what I need to say and walk out the door.
~Because my husband basically refuses to admit that he is even taking any pills let alone addicted to them, my calm "speech" would be simple and based on the financial lies I recently found out about... he's now paying cash - which is money he is cash advancing from a credit card into his bank account - for prescriptions instead of using our health insurance
"I know you are lying to me and yourself about money and filling prescriptions, I'm shocked, hurt, and need to leave to gain some clarity. I love you more than anything and would do anything for you, but I can't live with the lies. This has all gone on too long and I deserve more in my life than this so I need to go take care of myself..."
~I would also hand him a copy of his bank statement before said speech - he doesn't know I have this
After thinking about this more, I concluded option 1 is more complicated than it needs to be. I also decided that I don't even want to give him the chance to lie, deny, justify or come back at me in anger - as I know he will no doubt tell me it is all my fault...tell me he lied to keep me off his back. So...
2. I will pack up and leave while he is at work, period. I'll leave behind a letter that I've written to him (in place of my lovely speech) and copy of the bank statement.
~I guess I feel like this would be more likely to make him think and maybe even be sad...instead of having me right there to defend himself to. This also takes away the chance of me engaing in the LIES before I walk...?
Harsh advice welcome as always...
The 2 options in my mind:
1. My first instict was to have my bags packed, and when he arrives home from work I'll say what I need to say and walk out the door.
~Because my husband basically refuses to admit that he is even taking any pills let alone addicted to them, my calm "speech" would be simple and based on the financial lies I recently found out about... he's now paying cash - which is money he is cash advancing from a credit card into his bank account - for prescriptions instead of using our health insurance
"I know you are lying to me and yourself about money and filling prescriptions, I'm shocked, hurt, and need to leave to gain some clarity. I love you more than anything and would do anything for you, but I can't live with the lies. This has all gone on too long and I deserve more in my life than this so I need to go take care of myself..."
~I would also hand him a copy of his bank statement before said speech - he doesn't know I have this
After thinking about this more, I concluded option 1 is more complicated than it needs to be. I also decided that I don't even want to give him the chance to lie, deny, justify or come back at me in anger - as I know he will no doubt tell me it is all my fault...tell me he lied to keep me off his back. So...
2. I will pack up and leave while he is at work, period. I'll leave behind a letter that I've written to him (in place of my lovely speech) and copy of the bank statement.
~I guess I feel like this would be more likely to make him think and maybe even be sad...instead of having me right there to defend himself to. This also takes away the chance of me engaing in the LIES before I walk...?
Harsh advice welcome as always...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He probably already knows the whys.
My concern is engaging with an active addict, I use to do it, I don't anymore.
Don't be concerned about his saddness, be concerned about yours if you can.
We think we have the power to cause them pain, I don't really think we do.
My concern is engaging with an active addict, I use to do it, I don't anymore.
Don't be concerned about his saddness, be concerned about yours if you can.
We think we have the power to cause them pain, I don't really think we do.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I'd go for option two (then again, I just started a thread on avoidance) 
p.s. I don't think YOU are avoiding. I do think that the less interaction the better at this point and a letter would suffice until a later time/place of your choice.
p.s. I don't think YOU are avoiding. I do think that the less interaction the better at this point and a letter would suffice until a later time/place of your choice.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I'd select door #2, he already knows why you are leaving. I imagine that you have already listened to his BS before and nothing has changed, so, why engage him again.
I wish you the best, peace becomes yours to behold once you walk through that door.
I wish you the best, peace becomes yours to behold once you walk through that door.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
In agreement with using #2 or being even simpler. No need to provide explanations the bank statement etc.
I would say though that a trip to a lawyer to draw up at a minimum a legal separation agreement might be a good first step. You will want to protect yourself financially.
As soon as you walk out the door you are likely to feel much lighter in spirit. Focus on that and what you will be doing next for yourself! Best to you.
I would say though that a trip to a lawyer to draw up at a minimum a legal separation agreement might be a good first step. You will want to protect yourself financially.
As soon as you walk out the door you are likely to feel much lighter in spirit. Focus on that and what you will be doing next for yourself! Best to you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm with leaving, no matter how you do it, as long as you are safe. I wouldn't expect anything productive from any conversation with him, or feedback from any letter you may write. If you write the letter, please don't expect him to pay any attention to it. Writing letters is a good idea though, to get things straight in your head and to get out your frustrations.
Whatever way you decide to do it, hopeful21, please get some support, whether it be friends helping you, or just present when you walk out the door, Al-Anon meetings, etc.
Whatever way you decide to do it, hopeful21, please get some support, whether it be friends helping you, or just present when you walk out the door, Al-Anon meetings, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
thank you L2L,
Yes, I do have a great deal of support in my friends and family - they're all supportive of this decision and I could stay with any one of them when I'm ready to go..
I feel fortunate for this.
I'm also attending Nar Anon and just began seeing a therapist on my own.
Yes, I do have a great deal of support in my friends and family - they're all supportive of this decision and I could stay with any one of them when I'm ready to go..
I feel fortunate for this.
I'm also attending Nar Anon and just began seeing a therapist on my own.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I recently just left my marijuana addicted boyfriend, father of my two children. I didn't tell anyone except for my mother and a real estate agent.
I bought a house in a subdivision next to ours, and just left. He found out about it because the electric company came and shut off the power and turned it on in his name on my other house. I didn't plan on that happening, it just did. He called me and asked me what is going on, and I told him I am leaving, I bought a house and from now on lets only speak through texts. He knew and now really knows why I left. It was better for me to just walk away, instead of hashing it out with him and allowing all his manipulations to get to me. I had to do it this way.
Now, after 6 1/2 weeks of living on my own, I am so much better. I am still looking for a job and going through lots of ups and downs, but I FEEL so much better. He finally made an appt to see a counselor on Wed, I will tell him even more in that session. I couldn't have done it if I had to hear all of his lies again. I would start believing him, and keep on in that cycle of - Ok, one more time. I will try it one more time. I just couldn't do it ANYMORE!!
I am not sure about where I am going, but I sure know where I have been, and I didn't like it not one bit. Isn't that a song or something?? lol
If yours is anything like mine, his manipulations and lies got to me every time. I kept giving him chance after chance, and he still did not change.
I bought a house in a subdivision next to ours, and just left. He found out about it because the electric company came and shut off the power and turned it on in his name on my other house. I didn't plan on that happening, it just did. He called me and asked me what is going on, and I told him I am leaving, I bought a house and from now on lets only speak through texts. He knew and now really knows why I left. It was better for me to just walk away, instead of hashing it out with him and allowing all his manipulations to get to me. I had to do it this way.
Now, after 6 1/2 weeks of living on my own, I am so much better. I am still looking for a job and going through lots of ups and downs, but I FEEL so much better. He finally made an appt to see a counselor on Wed, I will tell him even more in that session. I couldn't have done it if I had to hear all of his lies again. I would start believing him, and keep on in that cycle of - Ok, one more time. I will try it one more time. I just couldn't do it ANYMORE!!
I am not sure about where I am going, but I sure know where I have been, and I didn't like it not one bit. Isn't that a song or something?? lol
If yours is anything like mine, his manipulations and lies got to me every time. I kept giving him chance after chance, and he still did not change.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
hopeful
i just did what you are contemplating to my last exAbf. we spent a lovely night together, i made sure that we had no reason to see each other again, wrote a letter and left the next morning after he had gone to work. i did put some time and effort into explaining why i left, and to be honest, non of it sunk into his head, so id be inclined to say something similar to what "wellwhynot" put down as he probably really won't get it.
i don't think what you are doing is avoidance, i think you are right about not engaging in a conversation that will go nowhere and is pointless.
good luck and keep doing what is best for you.
i just did what you are contemplating to my last exAbf. we spent a lovely night together, i made sure that we had no reason to see each other again, wrote a letter and left the next morning after he had gone to work. i did put some time and effort into explaining why i left, and to be honest, non of it sunk into his head, so id be inclined to say something similar to what "wellwhynot" put down as he probably really won't get it.
i don't think what you are doing is avoidance, i think you are right about not engaging in a conversation that will go nowhere and is pointless.
good luck and keep doing what is best for you.
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