Finally had "The Talk' with my boyfriend
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Originally Posted by kmangel 
If it weren't for our son's girlfriend at the time, we wouldn't have known she found needles in their bed. He wasn't happy she ratted on him but I'm glad she did. It gave us a heads up and my husband and I started counseling sessions for ourselves. It was important that we as our son's parents knew what we were up against.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
if there is something I should do.
Like should I tell his family? Should I tell his best friend? Should I tak to the family doctor, or call his psychiatrist ? Should I insist we cancel our vacation and encourage him to get some inaptient treatment?
what are some things YOU could do for YOU in this situation? everything you mentioned above was for HIM, or about HIM. patient privacy laws pretty much prevent you from having any real interaction with either his physician or psychiatrist, NOR IS THAT YOUR PLACE. whatever he decides to do next is on him....whatever YOU decide to do next is ON YOU.
i have sincere doubts as to the veracity of his explanation. thing is you know so little about drugs and drug use and abuse that he can pretty much snow you with any cockamamie story and you'll believe it. IF indeed as a former needle freak he has been able to JUST inject with saline or vitamin B at least 10 times within the past 3 weeks, that would be bad enough. however i cannot imagine after that first shot that the beast would be kept at bay. or that he is not putting something else in that syringe....cuz going the ritual only does so much. and it doesn't HELP, it only feeds the beast and makes it worse.
this has all been going right under your nose. and trust me, this is just the tip of the iceburg. mr clean cut all recovered now ISN'T. his past is not behind him, he's still standing right smack in the middle of it. and you are still not really GETTING it.
he didn't toss those last two needles, did he? he didn't state that he is committing to making every effort and using every resource to fully coming to terms with his addiction. he basically just said, it's ok baby, trust me, i got this.
Like should I tell his family? Should I tell his best friend? Should I tak to the family doctor, or call his psychiatrist ? Should I insist we cancel our vacation and encourage him to get some inaptient treatment?
what are some things YOU could do for YOU in this situation? everything you mentioned above was for HIM, or about HIM. patient privacy laws pretty much prevent you from having any real interaction with either his physician or psychiatrist, NOR IS THAT YOUR PLACE. whatever he decides to do next is on him....whatever YOU decide to do next is ON YOU.
i have sincere doubts as to the veracity of his explanation. thing is you know so little about drugs and drug use and abuse that he can pretty much snow you with any cockamamie story and you'll believe it. IF indeed as a former needle freak he has been able to JUST inject with saline or vitamin B at least 10 times within the past 3 weeks, that would be bad enough. however i cannot imagine after that first shot that the beast would be kept at bay. or that he is not putting something else in that syringe....cuz going the ritual only does so much. and it doesn't HELP, it only feeds the beast and makes it worse.
this has all been going right under your nose. and trust me, this is just the tip of the iceburg. mr clean cut all recovered now ISN'T. his past is not behind him, he's still standing right smack in the middle of it. and you are still not really GETTING it.
he didn't toss those last two needles, did he? he didn't state that he is committing to making every effort and using every resource to fully coming to terms with his addiction. he basically just said, it's ok baby, trust me, i got this.
No, he didnt suggest throwing them out. I didnt ask him too.
He said he had started seeing his Dr. twice a week. And he was working on the feelings behind his wanting to use again. He said he hadnt told the Dr about using the needles and the saline.
Everything you said, hard to hear; but its all true. He is stirring up his will to use drugs again, and he says its a long way from getting high, but I know that is really only him downplaying. Its like one phone calll; because now using the needle is all feeling normal to him again and its making him feel good and want more. just very sad.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
When you hold him tight tonight, bluejaybird, just be sure there's a condom between you for your healthy and safety.
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He would take that as not believing him, not trusting him...
How has he earned your trust? Stealing? Lying, initially, about it? Injecting needles when he's supposed to be clean? (and that's according to the version he wants you to believe)
Why should he feel entitled to your trust?
Why should you gamble your health on his word at this point?
Sorry, I'm worried for you. Please be safe.
How has he earned your trust? Stealing? Lying, initially, about it? Injecting needles when he's supposed to be clean? (and that's according to the version he wants you to believe)
Why should he feel entitled to your trust?
Why should you gamble your health on his word at this point?
Sorry, I'm worried for you. Please be safe.
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird
I do understand where you are coming from here. And in a way I think that his parents do have a right to know, but everyone else seems to think no. I mean they are right also; he is an adult, and he doesnt live with his parents, and if I tell them they will automtically assume he is using again and it will cause a lot of bad feelings, and hurt and there is really nothing they can do. I dont want to cause trouble between them. Plus, your sons girlfriend broke up with him didnt she? So she probably didnt care about ratting on him because she was going to leave him anyway, or maybe that contributed to her going? Who knows...
Truly, at this point in time it is all about what you are going to do going forward knowing he has relapsed. Is his being in active addiction a deal breaker for you? Or are you willing to travel this very difficult road with him no matter what--including as an active addict? If being in active addiction is a deal breaker for you, then move on. Let your boyfriend embrace this demon on his own without your watching the two of them from a front row seat. Otherwise, if you plan to stay along for the ride, then it's time to start working on how you are going to live with an addict by joining a group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. There's really nothing more we can say on this forum that you haven't already heard.
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird
He would take that as not believing him, not trusting him
None of this is easy. Dealing with addiction is an honest-to-God trial by f****** fire. For everyone involved. Just remember that it will feel strange and uncomfortable when you first begin to take honest, mature measures to protect yourself. You won't like the way it feels, and neither will he. Doesn't mean you can't do it--and survive the discomfort. He'll survive it, too.
Wishing you strength, courage and, ultimately, peace.
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird
Thank you everyone. Ive just been thinking today a lot. And going over things he has said to me, and trying to decide if there is something I should do.
Like should I tell his family? Should I tell his best friend? Should I tak to the family doctor, or call his psychiatrist ? Should I insist we cancel our vacation and encourage him to get some inaptient treatment? Would he do it? Would it help? Or would vacation help?
Just lots of things like that.
Like should I tell his family? Should I tell his best friend? Should I tak to the family doctor, or call his psychiatrist ? Should I insist we cancel our vacation and encourage him to get some inaptient treatment? Would he do it? Would it help? Or would vacation help?
Just lots of things like that.
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird
It says Medefil Inc. And it doesn’t expire until next year so its not old. It says on the syringe “solution and pathway are sterile” but then on the wrapper it says “ do not place syringe on a sterile field” That makes no sense if its sterile; at least to me.
I mean how else would he get it? Can you buy them? And if he bought them, then why wouldn’t he just say I bought them. I don’t think syringes and needles are illegal to buy. The needle has a green plastic base, and the rest is dark grey plastic and that part pulls off he said, but didn’t do it because I guess it would be exposed then.
The only way I could know for sure would be to take it to the family docs and ask if it matches what they use, but then I would have to explain, and its not my place. Or is it? Any other ideas how I can verify?
I mean how else would he get it? Can you buy them? And if he bought them, then why wouldn’t he just say I bought them. I don’t think syringes and needles are illegal to buy. The needle has a green plastic base, and the rest is dark grey plastic and that part pulls off he said, but didn’t do it because I guess it would be exposed then.
The only way I could know for sure would be to take it to the family docs and ask if it matches what they use, but then I would have to explain, and its not my place. Or is it? Any other ideas how I can verify?
As for the needles/saline syringes, they are sterile on the interior but not packaged in a way that makes them sterile enough on the outside to be placed on a sterile field for surgery or other procedures. Again, what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't matter who manufactured them, or what use they are manufactured for or if he stole them from his doctor or somewhere else or if he purchased them.
Fact: he has a history of IV drug use. Fact: he has needles in his possession. Fact: he is using them to inject something into his veins.
Why would someone inject saline and I'm sure he hasn't purchased B vitamins for IV use. Of course now he has implanted a great story in your mind so you will overlook his fresh track marks.
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Originally Posted by PrayingMama
...and that would...hurt his feelings? Arouse his anger or, at the least, his displeasure? Part of standing up in our own lives and our own skins means that not everyone else will be pleased when we do that. Not everyone will like us. That can be very uncomfortable to bear and takes practice and getting used to--the fact that when you calmly take your own health, safety and sanity into your own hands, when you care as deeply and as compassionately for yourself as you do others, there will be people who do not appreciate that. It will make them uneasy, or bruise their egos or hurt their feelings or make them angry. But those are false "opponents" and to fear those reactions so much that you put yourself at risk is to submit to the tyranny of what is most childish in yourself--and the other person.
None of this is easy. Dealing with addiction is an honest-to-God trial by f****** fire. For everyone involved. Just remember that it will feel strange and uncomfortable when you first begin to take honest, mature measures to protect yourself. You won't like the way it feels, and neither will he. Doesn't mean you can't do it--and survive the discomfort. He'll survive it, too.
Wishing you strength, courage and, ultimately, peace.
None of this is easy. Dealing with addiction is an honest-to-God trial by f****** fire. For everyone involved. Just remember that it will feel strange and uncomfortable when you first begin to take honest, mature measures to protect yourself. You won't like the way it feels, and neither will he. Doesn't mean you can't do it--and survive the discomfort. He'll survive it, too.
Wishing you strength, courage and, ultimately, peace.
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Originally Posted by FindingErica
I don't understand detective stuff over addiction, it has never been one of my issues. I never went out in the garage and tried to find AH's stash, I never looked for receipts from head shops. Ive never tried to read his emails, texts or see who he calls. I didnt worry about who he was using with. I knew about the use, good enough. All other info has come to me eventually.
As for the needles/saline syringes, they are sterile on the interior but not packaged in a way that makes them sterile enough on the outside to be placed on a sterile field for surgery or other procedures. Again, what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't matter who manufactured them, or what use they are manufactured for or if he stole them from his doctor or somewhere else or if he purchased them.
Fact: he has a history of IV drug use. Fact: he has needles in his possession. Fact: he is using them to inject something into his veins.
Why would someone inject saline and I'm sure he hasn't purchased B vitamins for IV use. Of course now he has implanted a great story in your mind so you will overlook his fresh track marks.
As for the needles/saline syringes, they are sterile on the interior but not packaged in a way that makes them sterile enough on the outside to be placed on a sterile field for surgery or other procedures. Again, what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't matter who manufactured them, or what use they are manufactured for or if he stole them from his doctor or somewhere else or if he purchased them.
Fact: he has a history of IV drug use. Fact: he has needles in his possession. Fact: he is using them to inject something into his veins.
Why would someone inject saline and I'm sure he hasn't purchased B vitamins for IV use. Of course now he has implanted a great story in your mind so you will overlook his fresh track marks.
But everyone said, oh you need to verify what he is doing, and you need proof that what he is saying is true. That is why I started looking in drawers, and being suspicious; trying to find proof.
I think he is tellign me the truth. I dont think he is back to usign any drugs. But I think he is emotionally close. And what he is / was doign with the needles and the saline was not helping and taking him closer.
Just hear me out ok, I think he can still turn it around and not go there.
I know no one agrees, but that is where Im at right now.
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You asked what I wanted to do. One of the things I would lik to do is talk to my sister about this. Because we are close. But the thing is that I know for certain she will go straight to our parents. I also think she would call my boyfriends brother because they have a faint connection (not romantic) and then he would tell their parents and this big drama would start.
So I feel like I cant talk about it except to a couple of friends that are just my friends.
I would also like to let my bpyfriends best friend know the extent of the injecting, because my boyfriend said he told him that he had done it only a couple times. We made a pact a long time ago, that if either of us saw him falling then we would not keep it from the other.
But... if he was informed that boyfriend was injecting saline in any amount, then why didnt he tell me? So its very confusing now.
So I feel like I cant talk about it except to a couple of friends that are just my friends.
I would also like to let my bpyfriends best friend know the extent of the injecting, because my boyfriend said he told him that he had done it only a couple times. We made a pact a long time ago, that if either of us saw him falling then we would not keep it from the other.
But... if he was informed that boyfriend was injecting saline in any amount, then why didnt he tell me? So its very confusing now.
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Bluejay, what you are describing is so typical of relationship dynamics with alcoholics. All kinds of hiding and dodging, and keeping things secret.
The people who love you want to comfort and help you right now, you are only hurting yourself by not reaching out. Can you go spend sometime with your sister.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the page here???
It might help you to sort through things.
I see you putting all of your time and energy into his thoughts and feelings and not yours. I have been there, you won't figure this all out inside your own head, you need to bounce it off the people who love you.
The people who love you want to comfort and help you right now, you are only hurting yourself by not reaching out. Can you go spend sometime with your sister.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the page here???
It might help you to sort through things.
I see you putting all of your time and energy into his thoughts and feelings and not yours. I have been there, you won't figure this all out inside your own head, you need to bounce it off the people who love you.
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bluejay...I can easily remember how it was confusing and difficult to separate my feelings/motives/actions/concerns (in short:my life) from his. as a codependent we ask so many questions that are based on them. so when you ask, for example, "should I tell his parents?" most recovering codies will say "quit focusing on him" or "don't get into his business" but when you say "I want to talk to my sister but..." it is my inclination to say talk to your sister, don't worry about if she tells his bro, etc.
the distinction can be confusing: because while I would say absolutely go ahead and talk to your sister, while at the same time I would say calling his parents is his business...the outcome is that his parents end up knowing... however, the important difference is the motive!
if you want to talk to your sister for your own well being then do it.
if you want to talk to your sister, but are afraid to in order to protect his secrecy then that is codie
if you want to talk to your sister, but secretly part of the reason is so that she will spill the beans...but you can "defend" it by saying you needed to talk to her...well that's codie too!
this is the life of living with addiction. it is crazy making and confusing. do what is best for YOU. talk to your sister if you need the support, advice, help, community, etc.
talking to your sister to try to help him...codie
it's kind of like the first directive in star trek...where you don't touch.change anything that would affect the future.
(just trying to add a little levity..)
it's not so much that you make some big affect, it's that you affect your own sanity by trying to get in there and figure it out, connect with others, network on behalf of the addict, call in the back ups, etc. believe me I was a PRO!!!
in the end I guess it kind of helped, because all of my cell contacts for his buddies, and all of my investigations, helped me discover more of his lies, which got me out faster than I would have otherwise. if you're going to try to call, or figure anything out...do it for YOU, because it just won't change or help him.
the distinction can be confusing: because while I would say absolutely go ahead and talk to your sister, while at the same time I would say calling his parents is his business...the outcome is that his parents end up knowing... however, the important difference is the motive!
if you want to talk to your sister for your own well being then do it.
if you want to talk to your sister, but are afraid to in order to protect his secrecy then that is codie
if you want to talk to your sister, but secretly part of the reason is so that she will spill the beans...but you can "defend" it by saying you needed to talk to her...well that's codie too!
this is the life of living with addiction. it is crazy making and confusing. do what is best for YOU. talk to your sister if you need the support, advice, help, community, etc.
talking to your sister to try to help him...codie
it's kind of like the first directive in star trek...where you don't touch.change anything that would affect the future.
(just trying to add a little levity..)it's not so much that you make some big affect, it's that you affect your own sanity by trying to get in there and figure it out, connect with others, network on behalf of the addict, call in the back ups, etc. believe me I was a PRO!!!
in the end I guess it kind of helped, because all of my cell contacts for his buddies, and all of my investigations, helped me discover more of his lies, which got me out faster than I would have otherwise. if you're going to try to call, or figure anything out...do it for YOU, because it just won't change or help him.
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird
Just hear me out ok, I think he can still turn it around and not go there.
But for now, stealing needles, using them to inject something and not being honest about what's going on with the professionals he's paying to help him are signs of " going there", not a turnaround.
No need to snoop. No need to test. The truth will be revealed.
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Originally Posted by lesliej
if you want to talk to your sister for your own well being then do it.
if you want to talk to your sister, but are afraid to in order to protect his secrecy then that is codie
if you want to talk to your sister, but secretly part of the reason is so that she will spill the beans...but you can "defend" it by saying you needed to talk to her...well that's codie too!
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You are worrying too much about who will tell who what. I told AH that I was no longer going to keep his drug use a secret because then it becomes my problem, and I don't want it to be my problem. So I told people, and I've found a lot of support. It may make him mad but the relationship is headed where it is headed. In our case though I am ending it and that is what I want.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Sure he can.
But for now, stealing needles, using them to inject something and not being honest about what's going on with the professionals he's paying to help him are signs of " going there", not a turnaround.
No need to snoop. No need to test. The truth will be revealed.
But for now, stealing needles, using them to inject something and not being honest about what's going on with the professionals he's paying to help him are signs of " going there", not a turnaround.
No need to snoop. No need to test. The truth will be revealed.
I have always been a really nervous person. I had ulcers before I was 21.
I went on anti-depressants for a while several years ago, and eventually stopped them. I have learned for the most part to control my nerves, and Im not sufferering from depression anymore. But feeling like I did this morning brought so much of that back to me. Scary.
I want to thank all of you for being here for me. It means a lot, and you have all been really helpful and informative. I like the one quote someone said about 'more will be revealed" its true, but it sounds so ominous. More bad will be revealed.
Boyfriend seems ok. Last night he asked me not to treat him different, and he was so sorry that he had me worried. That he says is the only reason he didnt tell me . But I know enough now from reading here that while that is true, there are other reasons and they are all wrapped in the need to keep his addiction or his desire to use again hidden. Probably thats why the stealing when he could have bought the items, the lying when he could have told me....
Last night I was all tensed up and I sometimes take a benadryl because I have allergies and it helps me relax and fall sleep. So I took one, and he asked for a couple, and then it didnt seem to have much effect and he took 2 more. so like 4 in 2 hours. But he did sleep, better than me !
Im going to take the approach to wait and see, as more will be revealed. Im not going to talk to my sister, or anyone, except you guys and a couple of my friends. All that stuff about codie behavior wow that is confusing. But really I dont want to tell them because I dont want to deal with their opions and the drama they would cause, and I dont want to break his trust by babbling to people that obviously he doesnt want to know. No more snooping either. Im just going to try to relax and not worry. When I was so nervous this morning, I just kept thinking about stuff my mom said about how we have to have faith in God, and if we are scared just pray. Most important right now is that I get my nerves back under control, or Im going to get sick again. So came home from woork dug out my fuzzy ugg slippers (even though its 90 out) and Im going to try to take a nap, watch tv, make my neck stop hurting, and hopefully stop these shakes.
Thank you everyone for being here for me. I know you all have your own heartaches and troubles, and its really kind of you to share your time here helping others.
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