I just did it, I just kicked him out
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
You need to feel your feelings, don't go around them but hrough them to come out the otherside. Make a committment to yourself and your recovery. I made a promise to myself to always do what is in the best interest of my children even when it is not the most comfortable or easy choice for me. The strength I am able to gain by working my program, my recovery, honestly and diligently and trusting my HP will be there for me along the way, I know my future will be rewarding.
You are not alone. We are with you.
Hugs.
Marlene
You are not alone. We are with you.
Hugs.
Marlene
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
I faltered guys. I feel I need to be honest about this with all of u as well as myself. I let him come back last night. No excuses for it, I'm still so weak. It's like a roller coaster. One minute I feel in control, strong and firm and then the next I crumble and give in. I don't understand, what am I holding on to?? I honestly am so disappointed in myself. Bring on the harsh advice, I know it's needed.....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Awww, sweetie, no harsh words from me. I have always said and will continue to say that if you leave or make them leave before you are truly ready, chances are good you will change your mind.
You will know when you have truly had enough. At that point, it won't matter what they do or say, you will be done. ((((HUGS))))
You will know when you have truly had enough. At that point, it won't matter what they do or say, you will be done. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
Krystal...I've been there and done that. I've been in a relationship with a heroin addict for almost ten years now. I've seen...EVERYTHING...or at least I thought I had...but life with him never ceases to surprise me with new ultimate lows and betrayals.
I worry when I feel numb too. I worry because I know that when I'm strong enough to kick him out, to get mad, to say "What the hell am I EVEN DOING?!?"...inevitably the numb kicks in...and I crumble.
Believe me. I have "crumbled" more times than I can remember.
My own family thinks I stopped seeing him almost three years ago, so do my friends. This past year I finally told my closest friends the truth. I had to. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It seemed at first like dealing with it on my own after all the bridges had been burned was the EASIEST. I'LL JUST HANDLE IT ALONE, I thought. IT WILL BE EASIER WITHOUT EVERYONE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, HOW TO FEEL, WHO TO BE, I thought. Boy geez did that bite me in the butt. I got isolated, depressed, stressed, suicidal. I had to ask for help, even if it was in the form of an ear to listen.
Krysrtal, I think you being honest to this community is HUGE. Thank you sincerely for your honesty. Because of it you have touched and inspired me and lord only knows how many others. It's easy to lie to ourselves and to other people...it's HARD to face ourselves and our truths, let alone let others see it as well. I commend you for the strength to kick him out. I commend you for the strength to use this forum. I commend you for the strength to demonstrate BRUTAL HONESTY no matter what it is. You, my sister, whether you know it or not, you're going to be ok.
This may happen, this pattern, again. Thrown out. Let back in. Thrown out. Let back in.
What you have to remember is YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
It sounds like you were harrassed nonstop. My AB does that to me. If I say it's over I already have out my umbrella to deflect the rainstorm of texts, direct calls, restricted calls, emails...he even posts to craigslist under 'missed connections' because he knows after a couple months go by I get curious and weak and yes, I will look. And of course everything written or said is so BEAUTIFUL or so SAD or so SOUL CRUSHING I can't breath and I can't believe everything was for "nothing" and that he really is some kind of "monster" and that we have "problems" when we're just two people trying to live in this world which is anything but easy.
Other people have it worse, right? Other people can make bad decisions and come back from them, right? There's always hope, right? I believe in redemption, redemption is possible for everyone, right?
These are the tortures that plauge even the strongest of people. You are not alone.
Now.
Sometimes it seems easier to deal with a FAMILIAR problem. At least I know what to expect, right? No surprises, right? I often feel like I'm not living life with my AB...but somehow we're just actors reading from the same script. It's all blocked out and choreographed. Down to the words and the feelings because *snap* there they are right on cue.
However: If you decide for yourself that he's got to go. Please don't follow the script. It's scary because then you know it's a little more likely he won't be back, you won't know what to expect...getting off of the script of addiction is DIFFICULT. And I can tell you, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Or in other words, it NEVER gets easier. I'm scared, Krystal, that I no longer KNOW HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE without his script. And let me tell you his script is s***. I hate it. It's nothing but a tragic drama at best and I crave ADVENTURE, MYSTERY, COMEDY, and ACTION!
Now. Don't be scared of your feelings. It's ok. And it's ok that you "crumbled". If it helps, I understand and I forgive you and I'd give you a big hug if we were friends and face-to-face because I UNDERSTAND and I am SO PROUD of you choosing HONESTY and not SHADOWS like I did for so long.
When you are ready to kick him out again, and it will happen. Don't be mad, don't be scared, don't be upset. His addiction is NOT your fault. You are POWERLESS...a word I hated and have slowly been growing to love.
WHEN you are ready to kick him out again. Be prepared.
Have someone you can talk to. Have a DIFFERENT place to stay if POSSIBLE. Definitely change the locks. CALL the police and TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON. Have them (if you have to stay at your current home) do a routine drive by your house. They have done this for me. In GA they take domestic issues VERY SERIOUSLY because people die and that's just an unfortunate fact.
BEFORE YOU KICK HIM OUT: CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. I cannot tell you HOW MUCH THIS WILL HELP YOU. He WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CALL OR TEXT YOU. And hunny, you're going to be TOO delicate to not cave unless you render him INCAPABLE of contacting you. CHANGE YOUR EMAIL. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS AND TAKE HIS KEYS (as a precaution) BEFORE YOU KICK HIM OUT. Do it in SECRECY if you want. Think of it like a spy movie where you are doing what you have to do in order to PROTECT your interests (YOURSELF and YOUR KIDS). It's not a betrayal on your part, it's SURVIVAL. I saw someone post about you being a Momma Bear and BELIEVE me a Mamma Bear wouldn't think twice about giving this guy the slip and taking his house keys.
Make yourself a DEAL. Agree with yourself on what you want to accomplish AHEAD of time. I say give yourself a month, maybe two if possible, with a changed number, a changed email, a changed set of locks, a routine/daily police drive-by check, CALL the police to remove him from the front of the home if he comes knocking, CONCENTRATE on your schedule and your KIDS, and GO LIVE SOMEWHERE HE DOESN'T KNOW (IF possible), inform your kids TEACHERS if they are of the age that you are the ONLY parent to pick them up. CALL THE POLICE if this is not the case.
I challenge you to do all this things, IF and WHEN you are ready to kick him out again, GIVE yourself that month or two with DISTANCE. No poisonous or honey-laced words or pleads or begs or screams. Nothing but peace and you and your kids. THEN decide. You want to decide after two months of no contact to go back? To let him come back? Ok. Fine. But I bet you'll kick him out again, and that time promise yourself it's for two weeks longer than before. Wean yourself off if you have to m'dear. Take your time. You are the one that has to live with yourself at the end of each day. Be true to YOURSELF and take the TIME TO REMEMBER what exactly that means.
My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to keep using this forum, despite what you are worried others might think. I think you'll find that honesty is the best and healthiest policy, and that's what we're all trying to do here ultimately. Help each other to be the BEST and HEALTHIEST we can be.
I worry when I feel numb too. I worry because I know that when I'm strong enough to kick him out, to get mad, to say "What the hell am I EVEN DOING?!?"...inevitably the numb kicks in...and I crumble.
Believe me. I have "crumbled" more times than I can remember.
My own family thinks I stopped seeing him almost three years ago, so do my friends. This past year I finally told my closest friends the truth. I had to. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It seemed at first like dealing with it on my own after all the bridges had been burned was the EASIEST. I'LL JUST HANDLE IT ALONE, I thought. IT WILL BE EASIER WITHOUT EVERYONE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, HOW TO FEEL, WHO TO BE, I thought. Boy geez did that bite me in the butt. I got isolated, depressed, stressed, suicidal. I had to ask for help, even if it was in the form of an ear to listen.
Krysrtal, I think you being honest to this community is HUGE. Thank you sincerely for your honesty. Because of it you have touched and inspired me and lord only knows how many others. It's easy to lie to ourselves and to other people...it's HARD to face ourselves and our truths, let alone let others see it as well. I commend you for the strength to kick him out. I commend you for the strength to use this forum. I commend you for the strength to demonstrate BRUTAL HONESTY no matter what it is. You, my sister, whether you know it or not, you're going to be ok.
This may happen, this pattern, again. Thrown out. Let back in. Thrown out. Let back in.
What you have to remember is YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
It sounds like you were harrassed nonstop. My AB does that to me. If I say it's over I already have out my umbrella to deflect the rainstorm of texts, direct calls, restricted calls, emails...he even posts to craigslist under 'missed connections' because he knows after a couple months go by I get curious and weak and yes, I will look. And of course everything written or said is so BEAUTIFUL or so SAD or so SOUL CRUSHING I can't breath and I can't believe everything was for "nothing" and that he really is some kind of "monster" and that we have "problems" when we're just two people trying to live in this world which is anything but easy.
Other people have it worse, right? Other people can make bad decisions and come back from them, right? There's always hope, right? I believe in redemption, redemption is possible for everyone, right?
These are the tortures that plauge even the strongest of people. You are not alone.
Now.
Sometimes it seems easier to deal with a FAMILIAR problem. At least I know what to expect, right? No surprises, right? I often feel like I'm not living life with my AB...but somehow we're just actors reading from the same script. It's all blocked out and choreographed. Down to the words and the feelings because *snap* there they are right on cue.
However: If you decide for yourself that he's got to go. Please don't follow the script. It's scary because then you know it's a little more likely he won't be back, you won't know what to expect...getting off of the script of addiction is DIFFICULT. And I can tell you, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Or in other words, it NEVER gets easier. I'm scared, Krystal, that I no longer KNOW HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE without his script. And let me tell you his script is s***. I hate it. It's nothing but a tragic drama at best and I crave ADVENTURE, MYSTERY, COMEDY, and ACTION!
Now. Don't be scared of your feelings. It's ok. And it's ok that you "crumbled". If it helps, I understand and I forgive you and I'd give you a big hug if we were friends and face-to-face because I UNDERSTAND and I am SO PROUD of you choosing HONESTY and not SHADOWS like I did for so long.
When you are ready to kick him out again, and it will happen. Don't be mad, don't be scared, don't be upset. His addiction is NOT your fault. You are POWERLESS...a word I hated and have slowly been growing to love.
WHEN you are ready to kick him out again. Be prepared.
Have someone you can talk to. Have a DIFFERENT place to stay if POSSIBLE. Definitely change the locks. CALL the police and TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON. Have them (if you have to stay at your current home) do a routine drive by your house. They have done this for me. In GA they take domestic issues VERY SERIOUSLY because people die and that's just an unfortunate fact.
BEFORE YOU KICK HIM OUT: CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. I cannot tell you HOW MUCH THIS WILL HELP YOU. He WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CALL OR TEXT YOU. And hunny, you're going to be TOO delicate to not cave unless you render him INCAPABLE of contacting you. CHANGE YOUR EMAIL. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS AND TAKE HIS KEYS (as a precaution) BEFORE YOU KICK HIM OUT. Do it in SECRECY if you want. Think of it like a spy movie where you are doing what you have to do in order to PROTECT your interests (YOURSELF and YOUR KIDS). It's not a betrayal on your part, it's SURVIVAL. I saw someone post about you being a Momma Bear and BELIEVE me a Mamma Bear wouldn't think twice about giving this guy the slip and taking his house keys.
Make yourself a DEAL. Agree with yourself on what you want to accomplish AHEAD of time. I say give yourself a month, maybe two if possible, with a changed number, a changed email, a changed set of locks, a routine/daily police drive-by check, CALL the police to remove him from the front of the home if he comes knocking, CONCENTRATE on your schedule and your KIDS, and GO LIVE SOMEWHERE HE DOESN'T KNOW (IF possible), inform your kids TEACHERS if they are of the age that you are the ONLY parent to pick them up. CALL THE POLICE if this is not the case.
I challenge you to do all this things, IF and WHEN you are ready to kick him out again, GIVE yourself that month or two with DISTANCE. No poisonous or honey-laced words or pleads or begs or screams. Nothing but peace and you and your kids. THEN decide. You want to decide after two months of no contact to go back? To let him come back? Ok. Fine. But I bet you'll kick him out again, and that time promise yourself it's for two weeks longer than before. Wean yourself off if you have to m'dear. Take your time. You are the one that has to live with yourself at the end of each day. Be true to YOURSELF and take the TIME TO REMEMBER what exactly that means.
My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to keep using this forum, despite what you are worried others might think. I think you'll find that honesty is the best and healthiest policy, and that's what we're all trying to do here ultimately. Help each other to be the BEST and HEALTHIEST we can be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Thank u so much suki for ur kindness and undertandinf. My tummy was doing flips when I decided to come out and be honest about this. It helps to know that I still have ur support and ur absolutely right, I wasn't ready. I just hope I get there sooner then later
HeWhoSleeps- I cannot begin to express how much ur post touched my heart. That's something that I'm going to copy and save to my phone cause I know it will help me to read it over and over again, especially when I start to feel lost and hopeless. But it has helped me a great deal to automatically come and post on here whenever I feel I need to. It helps keep me grounded and it gives me hope and helps remind me that in the end of all this I will be ok. U said so much and it all truly has had a huge impact on me. I can't thank u enough for ur kind words and for showing me so much compassion.
HeWhoSleeps- I cannot begin to express how much ur post touched my heart. That's something that I'm going to copy and save to my phone cause I know it will help me to read it over and over again, especially when I start to feel lost and hopeless. But it has helped me a great deal to automatically come and post on here whenever I feel I need to. It helps keep me grounded and it gives me hope and helps remind me that in the end of all this I will be ok. U said so much and it all truly has had a huge impact on me. I can't thank u enough for ur kind words and for showing me so much compassion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Its small people bedtime here so I'm run off my feet but just wanted to say don't ever feel ashamed or worried about being honest here. None of us will judge you, it's your life and we can only support you and tell you about what worked for us xxx
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Krystal32 
I faltered guys. I feel I need to be honest about this with all of u as well as myself. I let him come back last night. No excuses for it, I'm still so weak. It's like a roller coaster. One minute I feel in control, strong and firm and then the next I crumble and give in. I don't understand, what am I holding on to?? I honestly am so disappointed in myself. Bring on the harsh advice, I know it's needed.....
1. Don't beat yourself up.
2. Understand that this time was just PRACTICE.
3. You're not weak, and you're not holding onto anything. Don't focus on those things.
4. Focus on what you WANT. What your dreams are. What future do you want for yourself? What does it look like?
5. Figure out how you got hooked back in after you had made up your mind. What are your triggers? Triggers can include the way you think, the way you feel, your reactions to things, what your fears are, things that make you hold on tighter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Krystal32
I faltered guys. I feel I need to be honest about this with all of u as well as myself. I let him come back last night. No excuses for it, I'm still so weak. It's like a roller coaster. One minute I feel in control, strong and firm and then the next I crumble and give in. I don't understand, what am I holding on to?? I honestly am so disappointed in myself. Bring on the harsh advice, I know it's needed.....
If you want someone to tell you that you are worthless
and weak.....there are websites dedicated to such things.
This website is SR.
ALL of us have faltered.
You are not weak.You are strong to come here to post.
All retreats are not routs---sometimes a tactical retreat
to marshal resources is strategic thinking at its best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
I know I'm holding on to that false hope that things will get better, that he will stop and everything will be good again........sounds so ridiculous as I'm typing this cause I know it's NOT going to happen but if this makes any sense, I am feeling stronger then I ever have before. I know I haven't reached the point of putting him out and sticking to it but I'm not being the same with him. I'm not holding him and kissing him and saying everything is ok. I'm being very distant and it's not hurting me to be that way with him. I'm not getting that feeling of pity in the pit of my stomach when I push him away. Something in me IS changing, I can feel it......does that make sense??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What wonderful posts - the support is amazing! You guys rock!
Krystal, I don't know you very well, but it took me many tries before I finally let it go. And today it still hurts sometimes. But life is so much better without the stress and drama of addictions. Better for me, better for my girls, better for my family members who went through it all with me.
I wished, hoped, dreamed of a different ending. I tried it all. I left and came back, left and came back, left and came back. It's ok - its part of the process. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is your process - your journey. Do it on your terms.
Take good care,
~T
Krystal, I don't know you very well, but it took me many tries before I finally let it go. And today it still hurts sometimes. But life is so much better without the stress and drama of addictions. Better for me, better for my girls, better for my family members who went through it all with me.
I wished, hoped, dreamed of a different ending. I tried it all. I left and came back, left and came back, left and came back. It's ok - its part of the process. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is your process - your journey. Do it on your terms.
Take good care,
~T
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Krystal32
I know I'm holding on to that false hope that things will get better, that he will stop and everything will be good again........sounds so ridiculous as I'm typing this cause I know it's NOT going to happen but if this makes any sense, I am feeling stronger then I ever have before. I know I haven't reached the point of putting him out and sticking to it but I'm not being the same with him. I'm not holding him and kissing him and saying everything is ok. I'm being very distant and it's not hurting me to be that way with him. I'm not getting that feeling of pity in the pit of my stomach when I push him away. Something in me IS changing, I can feel it......does that make sense??
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Krystal,
It took me many false starts to finally get to the point where I was ready to do it for good. Even now....I sometimes STILL get this small part of me that tells me "maybe it will be better this time".
I forget the exact statistic but is pretty common for it to take multiple stabs at this before you are really ready. I so get it. I agree - this is practice. Please don't be hard on yourself. Each time you learn more.
Honestly, it took me 4 years to finally leave my husband. I'd get all ready to end it and then he would know it - and know the exact right things to say to lure me back in. I even left one time for 1 month and still took him back. Ain't gonna be no judging from me! I really get it. The pain involved in leaving was really intense for me - so bad at times that it was easier to stay.
If and when the time comes to really do it you will. This whole process really reminds me of how hard it is to overcome addiction......my addict was TRULY my addiction and it was really hard to give him up.....even though he literally almost killed me twice.......
Hugs girlfriend......I for one, really get it.
It took me many false starts to finally get to the point where I was ready to do it for good. Even now....I sometimes STILL get this small part of me that tells me "maybe it will be better this time".
I forget the exact statistic but is pretty common for it to take multiple stabs at this before you are really ready. I so get it. I agree - this is practice. Please don't be hard on yourself. Each time you learn more.
Honestly, it took me 4 years to finally leave my husband. I'd get all ready to end it and then he would know it - and know the exact right things to say to lure me back in. I even left one time for 1 month and still took him back. Ain't gonna be no judging from me! I really get it. The pain involved in leaving was really intense for me - so bad at times that it was easier to stay.
If and when the time comes to really do it you will. This whole process really reminds me of how hard it is to overcome addiction......my addict was TRULY my addiction and it was really hard to give him up.....even though he literally almost killed me twice.......
Hugs girlfriend......I for one, really get it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
(((Krystal))) We get it. We understand. We care. That's why we are here for each other.
If we all came here and rose-tinted the way it really is, SR would be worthless. But we get the victories, we get the difficulty, and we get it when our hearts are not consistent with our heads.
It's your life and your decisions. We are going to support you no matter. We all learn as we go.
If we all came here and rose-tinted the way it really is, SR would be worthless. But we get the victories, we get the difficulty, and we get it when our hearts are not consistent with our heads.
It's your life and your decisions. We are going to support you no matter. We all learn as we go.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Krystal - my mom always told me "when you have had enough, you will know it." And she was right. In other relationships (both romantic or friendships) when I had enough, I knew it and moved on. Sometimes I struggled with the loss of that relationship and others times I just moved on.
When or if you ever are ready to let go, you will know and it wont hurt as much. Be kind to yourself. You just weren't ready!!
When or if you ever are ready to let go, you will know and it wont hurt as much. Be kind to yourself. You just weren't ready!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Everyone, I have to say again THANK U ALL SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUPPORT. I cannot tell u all enough how much it means to me. Every time I start to feel lost or frustrated, I just jump on here and read through all these beautiful posts again. I won't be able to make it to a meeting until tomorrow night, so u guys are what's pulling me through right now. Each and every one of u that has taken the time to reach out to me and keep it on going ever since I posted my original post, thank u so so much from the bottom of my heart
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