concerned & confused

Old 07-18-2012, 10:09 AM
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Question concerned & confused

Firstly, this site is a God send. So grateful to be able to get info like this. My issue: I've been seeing someone since February. I knew he had an addiction to pain pills from his recent past stemmed from an injury. Well, in the last month, I have found out he is using again. Roxies. Something I'm not very familiar with until I started researching. I am actually aware that it is a big deal. As of last night, I learned he is snorting app 30Mg a week. I've caught him, i.e. found his stash. Now the truth is out, thank God. He wants to quit. My concern is this....our relationship is so new, we don't have a strong foundation. He asked me to be by his side, to "help" him quit. I know enough about addiction as I had an alcoholic father, a crack addict brother, an opiate addicted God son, etc, to know this is a long hard road. I know an addict can only quit for themselves. Idk if I hadn't found out that he would be quitting anyway. Should I stand by him & help him thru this or should I step aside & let him battle this out for himself? Idk if I'm strong , we are stuttering enough to go thru this inevitable battle? Please, someone advise me here. I'm scared of what's to come. For him & for us. scared:
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:11 AM
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Actually, it's 8 30Mg a week, admittedly. Who knows how much in reality.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:17 AM
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Should I stand by him & help him thru this or should I step aside & let him battle this out for himself?
Step aside. Leave him be. Go on with your life. Things will NEVER work in your favor in a relationship with him.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:47 AM
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Have you considered he may have never stopped with the pills and he's has been playing you along, the past 5 months? He's snorting. Next comes injecting. Often leads to heroin- better bang for the buck and all that.

There is nothing you can say or do that is going to get or keep him sober. You are not this powerful. None of us are. Recovery is 100% an inside job.

AA, NA, Salvation Army and assorted non- 12 step programs are readily available to him at any time.

Have you considered a firm boundary for yourself, " I don't do relationships with drug addicts or those who profess to be in early recovery". There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who " stand bye their man/the chaos of addiction.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:00 AM
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Should I stand by him & help him thru this or should I step aside & let him battle this out for himself?
Learn the 3 C's- I didn't cause the addiction, I can't control it and I can't cure it. He must battle it out for himself.

The only one I can change is ME. Read everything you can on addiction and codependency and attend naranon or alanon meetings. Focus on YOU, work on changing YOU and take care of YOU, YOU are worth it! You are not alone. Keep coming back.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:17 PM
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I think I already knew that would be the consensus. Who am I fooling thinking I could make it thru recovery with him...if he recovers. It has most certainly damaged the little trust that was beginning to build. I believe I would always question what he's doing/if he's using/if he's being about it. I told him I can't stand by & let him use & I wouldn't stand by if he lied about using. Not really many places left to go from there. Even if he initially quits, I know he could relapse any time & most likely will. I him I couldn't bear this burden for him. Thanks so much for the honest feedback. May not be wasn't I want to hear, but I can't bury my head & pretend there is no problem. I will continue my research & look into codependency, etc.
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:28 PM
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Telling you to leave now is the only way I know to spare you the horrific pain I am now going through. I hope you do truly walk away from him and find yourself a nice, clean and sober guy who does not lie.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
he's an addict, he lied about and covered up his continued active use, only fessed up when "caught" and is now feeding you the song and dance of wanting to quit and NEEDING your help to do so.

this translates to: if you hadn't busted me, i'd still be using. in order to get you off my back i'm going to say i want to quit, and because i really have no intention of doing so i'm going to tell you i need your help, so that when i "fail" (ie use again at the next possible moment) it will be YOUR fault, not mine.

if he REALLY wanted to quit, he would. if he was truly motivated, nothing would get in his way. you've known him for a teeny bit of time, his life and his addiction are much more vast and long lived. his condition is not your problem. and dating relationships should not become treatment interventions. you've seen addiction up close and personal....you know the swamp has live alligators in it. you REALLY wanna jump in there?
OMG!!!!!!!!! So So true!!!!!!!!!
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