Recovery-his and mine
 

I think most of you know that I ended the relationship with my abf the end of May. He moved out July 1, had no contact for one week while he went to his Mom's (BEST thing that could have happened for me); he returned to face changed locks and all of his stuff packed and in basement and then, a few days later (last Friday) he entered a program.

I have had off and on contact with him, always keeping my distance. For the first time in my life, I feel so incredibly in control of myself and my life. But since he entered the program, even a day or two before, it appears a switch went off and he has broken down, almost as if a computer that's gone black got a second chance to reboot. He is remorseful, can't even imagine why I'm talking to him with all the "a$$holish/childish/thieving" things he's done to me, and is open to everything being suggested to him (not by me but by the counselors and his aunt who is also in the field and who he is living with) - he is going to start yoga for relaxation, accupuncture for his back, look for another program immediately after this one is done, he's even started reading. He told me that he realizes all that he's done before didn't work and brought him to this point so why not look for ways of living his life anew.

I have kept my boundaries firm, asked for space which he has respected, and I don't have that little kid bouncing up and down inside of me being "hopeful." It's more of a calming "good for you, I'm happy for you". I know part of this is probably a subconscious protective instinct but he must sense it because he told me that he admires the person I've become in such a short time and that he can't blame me, that maybe I will never want to risk having him back in my life again, but he appreciates that I'm talking to him.

I don't give him anything that would lead to false hopes. I am taking one day at a time and am filling my weekends with plans with my girlfriends, nights with meetings, yoga, (a baseball game last night), part time job, etc. etc. I LOVE living by myself now and the independence it allows me.

But, as I've said before, every step, every place I got to, was because of so much of what I've learned from here. Even if it was hard to hear at the time, it all sank in to help me be stronger and grounded. So I figured I would update to kind of reinforce my own recovery and hopefully give others hope that life CAN be better and full of peace and tranquility for those who are teetering on whether to detach themselves or not. I have learned that detaching doesn't always mean that that person is out of your life forever, it just means that you are closing a door on the old, chaotic life and rebuilding a life for yourself that may or may not one day include your A again. But, like LoveMeNot says, it's not to ever go through a recovery/relapse/recovery/relapse roller coaster ever again.

its good to hear that things aren't so sad or lonely after detaching.
what i'm hearing around here is that addiction and bad relationships are such a vacuum, that actually life is fuller without them sucking up all available time.
thanks for sharing.

That's such a good analogy (the vacuum). It's so true. What I've learned so far is that if anything (exabf, work, ANYTHING) starts to feel like it's sucking the life out of me, I know to say "ok, time to take a step back here."

Now that I'm working on myself, I'm back to finding things to uplift me spirtually. I have an open mind and like learning about all things holistic, natural, etc.. And the more positive energy I build, the more good things I seem to attract. One, if not the, favorite book of mine is Celestine Prophecy. One of the messages is to keep your eyes open for even the littlest things because they could lead to something else very meaningful. I bought a piece of furniture for my bare living room at a yard sale and wanted to buy some plants (NOT a green thumb mind you) so I went to a local nursery and wouldn't you know, directly across the street was a holistic place. I'd been on this road many many times and the other night was the first time I'd noticed the sign! After checking it out, I think I found paradise, it's a garden filled with many hidden paths, seating areas, a tea room in a barn area that you can come with friends and eat your takeout pizza if you want! I can't wait to go back.

Anyway, my long story is meant to say, this is the life that awaits us, it's always been here, we just have to finally find ourselves again to find life again.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I LOVE this, this is where we often get stuck but this is also where we have the opportunity to go on to find great things if we allow it.

Thank you for this wonderful quote