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So angry and ashamed

Old 07-17-2012, 11:51 PM
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So angry and ashamed

I've not been on SR for a few months. Today I am struggling after a huge fallout once again with my exA. Long story that I will try to make short-exA got out of jail the end of May. He said his PO lost his paperwork. I think he snitched on someone they wanted moreso then him. I guess I missed him??? So I called him and left a VM just saying good luck and that I hope he can stay clean this time around, as it sounded like he had a second chance. A few days go by and the next thing I know he is calling me saying he is sitting in my driveway. I said I didn't think that was a good idea as he sounded high. I told him to leave and by that time my son had already let him in the house. He said he had been drinking a lot. I have never been around him much when he was high on meth. So one thing leads to another and we are up all night talking. He is pleading to me that he needs to get into rehab, and that he can't go on doing drugs anymore. I had never seen him so serious about his problem. He comes clean with me about 2 weeks later about that night, and told me he was high on meth.

So I allow him to spend the night and fast forward to last Friday and he is still staying at my house. He started attending NA and got a sponser. But his attitude and mood swings were very hard to deal with. As well as his bad temper. He relapased at least once that I know about and got arrested with 2 new charges. I finally kicked him out last Friday. I am so depressed, ashamed, hurt, feel taken advantage of, angry and barely getting through the day.

He called me last night and told me he was staying with this girl he had gotten pregnant back in Sept. (they use to get high together) she had her baby a few weeks ago and he is now obsessed with his new baby. He must have been high, as he started saying weird things that I've never heard him say. Rambling about how he wants to be in the babies life now, even though he admitted when he was sober he wanted nothing to do with the baby as he wasn't sure it was his, and he needed to stay away from the girl he was using with. This hurts me tremendously, as I suffered a miscarriage at the end of March. and to hear how happy he is with this girl and his new baby tears me up. I feel like he came into my life for 5 weeks and we fell back in love and the trust was slowly growing as he began to get sober, and suddenly its over again. I know he isn't healthy for me. I know someone should have at least one year sober before trying to get back into a relationship, but I'm in so much pain and he is happy as hell with his new baby and life....

I don't know if its the drugs or what, but it seems like whenever he goes out on his meth binges he aways becomes obsessed with new friends or people he meets while using.

Sorry for rambling on...I'm just in shock and lost...I don't know how I am going to get through tomorrow....I guess a meeting is a good place to start, if I can drag myself out of bed.... I just feel so dead inside
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:15 AM
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Please don't be sorry.And you are not ranting.Even if you were,SR does not
'call us out' for ranting (or MY posting privileges would be long gone!)
We've ALL felt dead at some point or another over this plague of addiction.

He's doing what addicts do.Do what healthy people do----be good to yourself.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:00 AM
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He isn't happy! He is an active addict using meth!! Active addicts are like blood suckers - he just found someone new to suck dry. Be thankful he is gone amd love yourself and your kid(s).

Great advice by Vale!! He's doing what addicts do. Do what healthy people do----be good to yourself.
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:57 AM
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No need to be ashamed. We have all been there - done that.

From this point, do everything possible to take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. My guess is one day he is going to want to be in your driveway again. When that happens, turn him away with firmness and conviction. You will be much better off in the long run.

We, like addicts, sometimes look at only the moment at hand and what we want right now without the consequences.

I'm sorry your are hurt. This, too, shall pass and you will find the happiness and healthy life that you deserve.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:00 AM
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Not clear if he's the bio dad of your son, or not. Regardless, addicts and those in early recovery make lousy parents/role models. We codependents tend to make lousy decisions when we are lonely.

It's very common for people addicted to substance to talk about how they are going to get and stay sober while they are high. It's just talk.

He's going to continue to hurt you as long as you allow him to do so. It's boundary time. You and your child's emotional well being depend on it.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:10 AM
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When the pain that resulted from my poor decision to keep letting him back in my heart and my life became so unbearable that I thought I would die, I knew I had to do something to strengthen myself. So, I sought my OWN recovery. So can you.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
I know he isn't healthy for me. he is happy as hell with his new baby and life....
Don't worry, he'll be back, and if you don't start working on you right now, you'll most likely start the sick cycle again.

Take yourself off the bargain rack, dig in and figure out why you allow men to destroy your self-esteem and self-worth.

Then find someone who deserves you.

Good luck.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:35 AM
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You need to wake up.

Take a look at what METH is and does. Go to a website like escapemeth.com and you will then stop romanticizing this man and you will instead begin to fear for the life of the innocent child at his mercy.

Rage, extreme violence, psychosis.

The prayer which is most needed now is not that he will come back to you, but that Child Protective Services get that infant away from him.

Educate yourself thoroughly about meth and your heart will stop its yearning for this man who in a matter of 16 seconds (the time it takes for meth to hit the brain) could decide to stab you to death.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Take a look at what METH is and does. Go to a website like escapemeth.com and you will then stop romanticizing this man and you will instead begin to fear for the life of the innocent child at his mercy.

Rage, extreme violence, psychosis.

The prayer which is most needed now is not that he will come back to you, but that Child Protective Services get that infant away from him.

Educate yourself thoroughly about meth and your heart will stop its yearning for this man who in a matter of 16 seconds (the time it takes for meth to hit the brain) could decide to stab you to death.
Most Police Departments have a special protocol for dealing with Meth users because the risk of spontaneous violence is always present. Just because he has not been violent in the past, means nothing. The next batch will impact him differently that the last. And each batch is further rewiring his brain chemistry. Your job is to protect your child and yourself.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
We codependents tend to make lousy decisions when we are lonely.

It's very common for people addicted to substance to talk about how they are going to get and stay sober while they are high. It's just talk.

He's going to continue to hurt you as long as you allow him to do so. It's boundary time. You and your child's emotional well being depend on it.
Thank you for this! I actually was feeling lonely, but not wanting to date again as I felt it was way too soon, and I needed to work on myself. I guess it felt "safe" to start up the relationship with him again as I know him; he is familiar to me.

I have been very worried for this baby that he has been around. He has a bad temper at times and I'm sure the meth is only making things worse.

The day after he left I changed my number. I don't want this man back in my life, I know he is a piece of crap and he totally disgusts me. But I always seem to minimize things he has done because of his horrible childhood. I have put some boundaries in place and I think that is why he has a hard time being around me. The girl that has his baby will put up with basically anything.

I have been working on myself and going to counseling for the last year. I guess its a constant work in progress. I didn't tell my counselor he was back in my life as I was ashamed. She is now on maternity leave for 2 months.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:41 PM
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Skye, Have you had any grief counseling for your miscarriage? I had 2 miscarriages and I know how that feels and I know a lot of people think we have no suffering because we never gave birth, held, fed etc...that child. I had people ask me why would I cry about a child I never held WTH..
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by crazybabie View Post
Skye, Have you had any grief counseling for your miscarriage? I had 2 miscarriages and I know how that feels and I know a lot of people think we have no suffering because we never gave birth, held, fed etc...that child. I had people ask me why would I cry about a child I never held WTH..
Yes I have talked about it with my counselor. What hurts me so much is this girl that has this baby is an addict and this is her third child. I had a miscarriage and constantly think about that. I know my exA took it hard, although I don't truly believe he would have be much of a parent anyway.

I feel as though he is rubbing this in my face now. He is cruel.

I'm sorry about your miscarriages
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