hopeful21

My husband has NEVER admitted anything about his prescription med addiction to me. I am stuck wading through his lies, his secrecy, his denials, and the mess, in my own mind - pretending to beleive him to avoid conflict.(This is obviously codependency, right?!?)

Reminding myself: I know very well that I didn't cause this, I can't control this, and I can't change it. I am powerless to my addict....Step one, check. I'm there.

I no longer question him or confront him on anything becasue it just causes him to shift the blame/cause of conflict back to me - "I'm the one causing the problem bc I don't trust him or I won't stop questioning" - to put it simply. I no longer engage in this dynamic, because I know the truth, but I am having a hard time "getting out of my head" over my silence. (this is enabling, yes?!?)

So I'm stuck - do I live this life because I love him and it hurts (understatement) too much to leave? Or do I leave - beacause I know very well that I am not the one who can control or change this situation - he is.

When I think about, discuss, or post about my situation with my AH, I find it really difficult to be consice or even get my thoughts out correctly!

In my recent post about "Still standing at the fork in the road...," I explained that I know I need to leave, and detach from him. But I'm finding myself second guessing this, or second guess if I'm at MY rock bottom:

~Am I honestly leaving bc it is better for me? not sure. I DON'T want to be separated from my husband - Will I be in more misery alone? Am I always going to regret this? What IF I stayed and he came around and admitted everything and wanted to seek recovery. (I thought I was past this)

~OR, Deep down, am I really leaving because I think it will finally be what makes HIM hit rock bottom? Is this me still TRYING to control the addict?

~Deep down, if I really am STILL doubting his addiction, am I ready to leave?
For example, I no longer think I'm seeing the roller coaster/cycle of him most likely binging on Vocodin/Percocet/Tramadol/Codene/whatever it was and then going through w/d's, but now I'm still finding tons of Benzos and recently found out that he was secretly filling meds from various doctors and NOT putting them through our insurance, but paying cash from his personal account - all a secret of course - I have questioned him on this and he lies to my face - I have not confronted him that I know about the lies.

I go back in forth with wanting to leave (being strong)
and
unable to leave (being codependent or weak?)

guidance please!!

Learn2Live

Nothing changes, hopeful21, if nothing changes. And it doesn't sound like he wants to change. And you can't change him. So what is left that you CAN change?

There is so much more to life and the world out there than what you are accepting for yourself. Maybe you are just afraid of something and that is why you cannot leave?

Krystal32

Hopeful, I am so sorry for what u are going through. I know exactly how it feels to feel the way u do right now. I was actually there just a few days ago. Let me share my story with u.
My fiance is a pill addict (pain pills and Xanax) and he's also one that will lie lie lie until he's blue in the face. He had gone to rehab back in January for 2 months and was clean for a few months and then he relapsed a couple months ago and how did I get him to admit to it? I basically had to corner him with an at home drug test. At first, I was devastated that this had happened, I cried for 2 days straight. I felt like my world was crumbling around me and I kept wondering, how am I going to get through this?
I originally had plans to leave for a bit to clear my head but that fell through. So, yesterday he comes home from work and he was high as a kite, couldn't barely keep his eyes open and when I saw that, I don't know, it's like something clicked in me and I knew that I'm done putting up with it. He tried to lie AGAIN even though I already knew he was using and I gave him an ultimatum. I told him either he stops now and gets help or he needs to leave cause I am not going to sit here and watch him get f'ed up until he's ready to get help and our 2 children don't need to be exposed to that either. I told him to not even bother coming home today if he's going to be using.
So, what's made the difference now? I've reached that point where I've had enough. I've been with him for 4 years and I really started to wonder if I was ever going to reach a point when I've had enough but I most certainly did. Once I gave him his ultimatum, I immediately felt more at ease. My stomach wasn't in knots anymore, the crying stopped and I just felt better. This just happened for me yesterday!! Anyway, my point is everyone reaches their breaking point when enough is enough and once u have reached that point, that's it. U know ur done, u feel confident about ur decision and u know without a doubt u are going to push forward with it.
I know I'm not by any means healed but I can feel that I'm finally on my way. Whether that means he quits and gets help and we repair our relationship or if he decides to stay on the path that he's on, I know that I will be ok. If ur not ready to leave, then ur not ready and ur not going to act on anything until u feel deep in ur heart that ur truly ready and u will know it when it comes cause there will be no doubt or hesitation, just clarity. It use to scare the hell out of me when I thought about being without my fiance but I would much rather be alone then have to suffer the misery that comes with his addiction. It's taken a long time for me to get to this point but I'm here!!
Just keep ur head up and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Definitely keep going to ur meetings, those make all the difference in the world and just keep educating urself and keep posting here. I'll be thinking of u hopeful!! Hugs!!!

hopeful21

I know that I can only change myself. BUT, I'm back to second guessing things:
~Although I know it's obvious that he is not seeking help or admitting anything...I second guess if I really am seeing changes in his behaviors. to me it feels like his addiciton is "evolving" - meaning, it seems more "calm" to me these days. Or, is this just how it's progressing and it's still just as active? OR, are these evolving behaviors a sign of him (unsuccessfully) trying to stop or work on it..without admitting it. Although I know in reality nothing will change until he DOES admit everything to himself, I am scared that maybe it's not the time to leave because I honestly do not know what's really going on.

Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to walk away from my husband of 8 years and that it will end our marriage, afraid I'm doing the wrong thing. Although I know I'm crazy to think like this, because If I don't leave - i'm living in a marriage based on lies, secrets, and pills!

I'm just so sick of the lies I know about and I'm so sick of hashing it all out in my mind because I can't talk to him! This is why I am thankful for SR and why I'm attending NarAnon meetings.

Harsh advice welcome...

freedom1955

If you really love him leave him,
we have to choice keep letting
him be sick or close the door.

HopefulGF65

Remember though, you are NOT weak, you've made it this far. Realizing the co-dependency is half the battle. What have you been wanting to do for a while? What about a weekend away somewhere? A bike ride? Walk on the beach? Do something that gets you away from your surroundings and clear your mind. Hopefully you will feel just a hint of what your life could be like without all the chaos. My heart goes out to you, you have a big decision ahead of you, but you need to make this decision about you...and I have a feeling you already know.

((hugs))

supportforme

I know your pain too well. You will find your answers in your time. Keep working on yourself and focusing on keeping you healthy. Reading your post brings me back to my own life not too long ago. I was exactly where you are at one time. Only difference is that he admitted he had an addiction, then relapse, lied, denied, manipulated, etc for years. While I was trying to "support" and "help" him because I've been with this wonderful man that is trapped for 20 years, he continued down his path with his pills until ultimately he crashed and burned. Unfortunately, what I didn't realize is how much risk I was putting myself and my kids in. He was arrested for a DUI and they found prescription slips on him. It didn't matter that I had NO idea that he was getting fraudulent prescriptions, or that I NEVER took a narcotic and I never broke the law and was NOT with him at the time. The police still showed up at my house and searched my home and federal agents interviewed me and my children had to witness the police searching their home. It took this reality for me to make the decision for myself. I realized that his addiction was and will continue to take me and my kids down with him if I do not save us. He may see my actions as abandonment; however, I did what I had to do to save myself and my kids. I love him with all my heart and pray that he recovers from this horrible disease; however, I can only save myself. I have filed for divorce because I realized that no matter how innocent I am, I am liable for all the consequences of his addiction. I hope and pray that you find your answers for yourself. When you do - there will be no doubts.

lesliej

well, you've done the first step...

maybe it's time for the second.

I had my ex leave the house November 1st...we tried a little off and on, sporadic appearances, up until February 14th (yep, he crawled out of bed with me on Valentines day to go get high on crack) and then, we even spoke, met here and there a few more times before I finally went no contact 2.5 months ago. I am here to say that it gets so much better.

I could NOT have believed that I would make it, that I could actually cut ties with him, I loved him SO SO much. I never ever let the egg shells/silence get into our relationship...but the lies, manipulation, secrecy and deceit are something you have NO control over when it is someone else and their addiction.

you have to stop and look at where you're at. you know where you ARE...it's the fear of the unknown, of the pain of separation that sets you back...you can continue on in all of the pain that you are in or you can let others, and your higher power, help guide you toward healthy change.

that, my dear, is step two...when we are weak, sad, and sick we need the guidance and help of a power greater than ourselves, we come to believe that something is going to help us gain sanity and manageability in our life.

if your love in your relationship is truly meant to be than you should be able to trust that you can find it again in recovery. it may be that you H will not find recovery. most people are going to probably agree that as long as you continue acting as a mask for him and yourself, pretending to be in a marriage...when addiction kills marriages, that neither of you are going to get well when the mask is on.

if you take time away, if you separate for awhile you may be able to find clarity, you can take the mask off and feel what you need to feel, you will gain some clarity by seeing the forest rather than every rotting tree, and you may find a new level of serenity in your life. you may go back even, and it might be a relapse on YOUR part...and you may try a few times before you figure it out.

if you decide to leave you may be amazed at how soon you can move through the loneliness that you feared, because when you take away the vacuous energy of addiction/codependency... life actually starts to fill in rather quickly!

I still think of my ex, I still love him and always will, but in a different way, actually in more of an unconditional way...because he doesn't have to fulfill any conditions for me...all I can do is pray for his recovery and work on my own, and nurture my own life and care for myself with gentle love...and the love of those around me.

life is not meant to be spent in fear.

lesliej

...THAT BAD tells me you are trying to find a more comfy chair on the Titanic....ship is still going down, but the cushion feels nice on the tush.

Anvil, that line is amazing...and will definitely be heard echoing through the rooms of recovery in Minneapolis!

LoveMeNow

Yep, yep....been there, done that. My husband's "little pill problem" wasn't that bad, I told myself. The bills are paid, he is home every night, he is hard worker, good husband and father and our love was special. ughhhhh

Fast foward - The Titanic went down and I barely made it out alive. I am very serious when I say this. I barely made it out alive!!!

Kindeyes

When I finally made the decision to divorce my XAH, I wasn't in that state of still questioning whether it was the right thing to do. There was no doubt. I knew to the very core of my being that I had to get out to survive.

Eventually, the pain and fear of staying with him far exceeded the pain and fear of leaving him. Maybe you're just not there yet.....and that's ok. As long as you are safe......you don't need to make a decision immediately. Time always reveals more.......

The 12 step programs don't encourage people to leave their addicted loves OR stay with them. It doesn't suggest that no contact is the only thing to do. But it does promote self care and sometimes those are the solutions that allow us to take care of ourselves best. But only you can decide that because you're the one holding the steering wheel in the vehicle called Your Life.

No matter what you decide, you have our love and support. Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

sevenofnine

thanks for this thread. i've been on my own fence for a few months now. and I've been really feeling ****** about it, beating myself up for not coming to a decision sooner.

Learn2Live

Thanks for this Anvil, I needed to read this today.

Learn2Live

You can go on for the rest of your life trying to figure out what the hell is going on with an alcoholic or addict. Yes, things will be calm one day and chaotic the next. Or from week to week, month to month. The only consistent thing about alcoholics and addicts I've found is that they are inconsistent and upredictable.

Sounds pretty typical to me. We are afraid to make the decisions for our own lives and our own well-being, but we look to an alcoholic or an addict to make the decisions FOR us and cry when they do horrible things that show they don't really care. I've done this several times. I'm not sure why I do this, because they have been sicker than me. Not good to hand your life and your decisions over to someone who can barely keep their own life together and rely on pills, booze, and/or drugs to help them cope.

The lies and the secrets will NEVER go away. Even after they get clean they are still manipulative and deceitful. And once the pill supply runs out, dear, they switch to street drugs. My brother wound up shooting up on the street after a 10+ year addiction to pills. And no, they don't communicate with you, because they CAN'T.

OK, I guess I am making generalizations here that might be inaccurate. But I've known and lived with enough of these people to know a relationship with one of these people is just not for me. They'd have to already be so involved in their own recovery and self-improvement that they are ahead of me for me to get involved with another one again. When will I heed my own words??

hopeful21

Thank you thank you to everyone taking the time to read and post

I'm really not sure where I'd be without this support (probably still sticking my head in the sand or denying things, lol)

It has been a few days since I posted this, but I keep coming back to it...reading over everyone's perspectives, opinions, and helpful words. Although it's bringing me to tears, I know I need to keep reminding myself of everything in this thread.

I thought I had crossed over to just. plain. angry. about it all recently...but getting out all the "questions" I am struggling with in a post has really made me quite emotional once again!

Nothing like starting my day out with a good cry!

crazybabie

Ditto