Is it Enabling to stay ?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Is it Enabling to stay ?
Another question. Im trying to make decisions in advance of confronting my boyfriend about his relapse.
I love him with al my heart, and I want to do what is best for him,
I read here a lot about enabling. And Im confused and not sure how i feel about the matter. I was looking for some insight
If he admits to using coke again, and seeks treatments I feel ok about staying with him. But if he is in denial and not ready to get help, then Im lost as to what to do.
Would leaving him really help him see he needs help? Part of me feels it could make him sink deeper into using and prevent him from coming out of it as fast.
Or would it just ruin what we have because he will feel like I abandoned him when he needed suport?
I love him with al my heart, and I want to do what is best for him,
I read here a lot about enabling. And Im confused and not sure how i feel about the matter. I was looking for some insight
If he admits to using coke again, and seeks treatments I feel ok about staying with him. But if he is in denial and not ready to get help, then Im lost as to what to do.
Would leaving him really help him see he needs help? Part of me feels it could make him sink deeper into using and prevent him from coming out of it as fast.
Or would it just ruin what we have because he will feel like I abandoned him when he needed suport?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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There is no way to tell what would happen, however, leaving should be for YOU and your sanity, not to effect some action on HIS part. You have absolutely no control over what he chooses to do, only what you choose to do.
This has been bothering you for quite a while now, and I think you should go ahead and tell him you found the needles and want to know why he had them. All this worry about what he'll say or what he'll do is wasted. Go ahead and tell him and get past all this fretting and questioning.
This has been bothering you for quite a while now, and I think you should go ahead and tell him you found the needles and want to know why he had them. All this worry about what he'll say or what he'll do is wasted. Go ahead and tell him and get past all this fretting and questioning.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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One of the most difficult things about this recovery is that we have a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that we leave to take care of us. We leave because it is what is best for us.
Is staying enabling, yes, imo, it is. The longer I stayed the more certain my xa was that he was all warm and cozy and he could just continue to get loaded and I would be there to pick up the pieces.
We underestimate our power in this dance. Staying is what they want us to do, staying lets them know that we are willing to live with the abuse, that we have such low self esteem, and need them so much, that we will put up with any crumb we can get.
It would be great if he detoxes and works a program, but you can be sure, that is he does it for you, it will not last, just as we need to get out from under the abuse and chaos, for us, they need to get into recovery for them. It's their relationship with their DOC that they need to deal with, not their relationships with us. We are not having a relationship with our addicts, we are having a relationship with their addictions.
Is staying enabling, yes, imo, it is. The longer I stayed the more certain my xa was that he was all warm and cozy and he could just continue to get loaded and I would be there to pick up the pieces.
We underestimate our power in this dance. Staying is what they want us to do, staying lets them know that we are willing to live with the abuse, that we have such low self esteem, and need them so much, that we will put up with any crumb we can get.
It would be great if he detoxes and works a program, but you can be sure, that is he does it for you, it will not last, just as we need to get out from under the abuse and chaos, for us, they need to get into recovery for them. It's their relationship with their DOC that they need to deal with, not their relationships with us. We are not having a relationship with our addicts, we are having a relationship with their addictions.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
One aspect of a relationship with an addict that makes it so damaging is the secret life you are both are living--his addiction and keeping it hidden from you and your not wanting to face the truth of what you have found. It is sick, sick, sick for both of you. Your decision is whether or not you want to be involved in a relationship that is built on lies and manipulation. Enabling is one facet of addiction--one very sick facet of addiction--and there are many more. So what is it you want? A healthy relationship with someone or an unhealthy one?
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Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird 
Would leaving him really help him see he needs help? Part of me feels it could make him sink deeper into using and prevent him from coming out of it as fast.
I mean no snark when I say you are not that powerful. None of us are. Nothing you can say or do or not is going to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. If all it took was love and support, none of us would be here.
Or would it just ruin what we have because he will feel like I abandoned him when he needed suport?
I mean no snark when I say you are not that powerful. None of us are. Nothing you can say or do or not is going to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. If all it took was love and support, none of us would be here.
Or would it just ruin what we have because he will feel like I abandoned him when he needed suport?
I think you are perhaps confusing a boundary with an attempt to control him and or trying to sustain your hopeful fantasy.
A boundary protects us from chaos and let's go of the outcome. He is free to use or not. It's his life and he's going to live it as he sees fit to do. He will do this with or without you.
" Because I love him" is not a good reason to allow the chaos of addiction into your life.
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It could possibly be enabling to stay, but if you did leave and he sank deeper into his addictions it would not be your fault. Unless my friends and family were in absolute dire straights I did little for them for 32 years, the time period of my use of cocaine. Do what you think is right for you. 
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"Would leaving him help him see he really needs help?"
It would not. The overwhelming unstoppable thrilling compulsion to use it much too powerful and much more pleasurable to him than you are.
"...would it ruin what we have because he will feel like I just abandoned him just when he needed support?"
If he is using, he won't care if you leave, if you abandon him, and he won't care in the least about your support. He wants to get high and THAT IS ALL HE WANTS.
If he is actively shooting drugs, there is absolutely no reason for you to stay.
Addicts are always saying they want to get clean. "I'm tired of this sh**." "I hate this stuff." "On my birthday I'm done." "By September I'm done." "When I go back to school I'm done." One writer in recovery calls them "Christmas addicts": "Christmas, I'm done."
Stay in today and work with today.
It would not. The overwhelming unstoppable thrilling compulsion to use it much too powerful and much more pleasurable to him than you are.
"...would it ruin what we have because he will feel like I just abandoned him just when he needed support?"
If he is using, he won't care if you leave, if you abandon him, and he won't care in the least about your support. He wants to get high and THAT IS ALL HE WANTS.
If he is actively shooting drugs, there is absolutely no reason for you to stay.
Addicts are always saying they want to get clean. "I'm tired of this sh**." "I hate this stuff." "On my birthday I'm done." "By September I'm done." "When I go back to school I'm done." One writer in recovery calls them "Christmas addicts": "Christmas, I'm done."
Stay in today and work with today.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The overwhelming unstoppable thrilling compulsion to use it much too powerful and much more pleasurable to him than you are.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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peace to you bluejay and everyone....
it took me awhile, to differentiate love (taking care, concern) and enabling.
all the time i was with my xabf i showed love in all ways possible, cooking him breakfast, lunch and dinner...especially on his "coming down" stage,play video games with him (til wee hours of the morning, thinking i am pre-occupying his mind instead of doing coke)...played sports with him (so that he does healthy things) and when he asks me to help him pay for his phone bill (when its already disconnected for a week)....i thought i was expressing my love (which i really do)...but later i realized that i am not at all helping him to sobriety but helping him to sink more deeper into his addiction.
i just learned from this community (thanks for all the posts and replies) that to an A doing all these things are enabling.
its a difficult road to tread...do what you think is best for you.
hugs
it took me awhile, to differentiate love (taking care, concern) and enabling.
all the time i was with my xabf i showed love in all ways possible, cooking him breakfast, lunch and dinner...especially on his "coming down" stage,play video games with him (til wee hours of the morning, thinking i am pre-occupying his mind instead of doing coke)...played sports with him (so that he does healthy things) and when he asks me to help him pay for his phone bill (when its already disconnected for a week)....i thought i was expressing my love (which i really do)...but later i realized that i am not at all helping him to sobriety but helping him to sink more deeper into his addiction.
i just learned from this community (thanks for all the posts and replies) that to an A doing all these things are enabling.
its a difficult road to tread...do what you think is best for you.
hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
"Would leaving him help him see he really needs help?"
If he is using, he won't care if you leave, if you abandon him, and he won't care in the least about your support. He wants to get high and THAT IS ALL HE WANTS.
If he is using, he won't care if you leave, if you abandon him, and he won't care in the least about your support. He wants to get high and THAT IS ALL HE WANTS.
Wow thanks you just answered some questions I have had in my head for awhile.
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Thanks everyone. That helps a lot. I think I had enabling confused then, and I was under the impression that to stay once you find out someone is back to using means to them, that you are saying it is ok if they use, you may not like it, but its not bad enough to make you leave, and so to them its still ok to use.
And then maybe that caused them to not think about change.
But at the same time, I didnt feel like by leaving it would really be beneficial to making him stop because all it really says is, I cant accept what you are doing and I dont want it in my life, but your free to go ahead and do what you want as I wont be around anymore. In that same way, it could make him worse because now he has less people that care about him, and less motivation to change.
Truth is there is just no way to tell, and its good to hear that whatever I decide there is no by the books' this is what you should or shouldnt do. Makes me feel much better.
I think whichever way he goes, right now Im not leaving him. I have been really happy since we have been together, and we have a good life. Right now, his behavior towards me, and his actions are not even showing signs of use that I can see. So in no way am I being affected by bad treatment, or verbal abuse, or physical abuse or anything like that.
First things first. Talk to him and get a feeling for where he is at mentally.
I never have a problem talking to him, its just I felt like I needed to give him time, and now hes had time. I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for his admitting he is actively using again, not taking it personal, and knowing what I want to do.
Its possible that he even has stopped by now. It could have been only a few day thing like last time. Still wont help his drug test, but he knew that before he injected.
Feeling much more centered today than yesterday at least. Thats some kind of progress.
thank you everyone .
And then maybe that caused them to not think about change.
But at the same time, I didnt feel like by leaving it would really be beneficial to making him stop because all it really says is, I cant accept what you are doing and I dont want it in my life, but your free to go ahead and do what you want as I wont be around anymore. In that same way, it could make him worse because now he has less people that care about him, and less motivation to change.
Truth is there is just no way to tell, and its good to hear that whatever I decide there is no by the books' this is what you should or shouldnt do. Makes me feel much better.
I think whichever way he goes, right now Im not leaving him. I have been really happy since we have been together, and we have a good life. Right now, his behavior towards me, and his actions are not even showing signs of use that I can see. So in no way am I being affected by bad treatment, or verbal abuse, or physical abuse or anything like that.
First things first. Talk to him and get a feeling for where he is at mentally.
I never have a problem talking to him, its just I felt like I needed to give him time, and now hes had time. I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for his admitting he is actively using again, not taking it personal, and knowing what I want to do.
Its possible that he even has stopped by now. It could have been only a few day thing like last time. Still wont help his drug test, but he knew that before he injected.
Feeling much more centered today than yesterday at least. Thats some kind of progress.
thank you everyone .
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
Thanks everyone. That helps a lot. I think I had enabling confused then, and I was under the impression that to stay once you find out someone is back to using means to them, that you are saying it is ok if they use, you may not like it, but its not bad enough to make you leave, and so to them its still ok to use. And then maybe that caused them to not think about change. But at the same time, I didnt feel like by leaving it would really be beneficial to making him stop because all it really says is, I cant accept what you are doing and I dont want it in my life, but your free to go ahead and do what you want as I wont be around anymore. In that same way, it could make him worse because now he has less people that care about him, and less motivation to change.
Truth is there is just no way to tell, and its good to hear that whatever I decide there is no by the books' this is what you should or shouldnt do. Makes me feel much better.
I think whichever way he goes, right now Im not leaving him. I have been really happy since we have been together, and we have a good life. Right now, his behavior towards me, and his actions are not even showing signs of use that I can see. So in no way am I being affected by bad treatment, or verbal abuse, or physical abuse or anything like that.
First things first. Talk to him and get a feeling for where he is at mentally.
I never have a problem talking to him, its just I felt like I needed to give him time, and now hes had time. I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for his admitting he is actively using again, not taking it personal, and knowing what I want to do.
Its possible that he even has stopped by now. It could have been only a few day thing like last time. Still wont help his drug test, but he knew that before he injected.
Feeling much more centered today than yesterday at least. Thats some kind of progress.
thank you everyone .
Truth is there is just no way to tell, and its good to hear that whatever I decide there is no by the books' this is what you should or shouldnt do. Makes me feel much better.
I think whichever way he goes, right now Im not leaving him. I have been really happy since we have been together, and we have a good life. Right now, his behavior towards me, and his actions are not even showing signs of use that I can see. So in no way am I being affected by bad treatment, or verbal abuse, or physical abuse or anything like that.
First things first. Talk to him and get a feeling for where he is at mentally.
I never have a problem talking to him, its just I felt like I needed to give him time, and now hes had time. I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for his admitting he is actively using again, not taking it personal, and knowing what I want to do.
Its possible that he even has stopped by now. It could have been only a few day thing like last time. Still wont help his drug test, but he knew that before he injected.
Feeling much more centered today than yesterday at least. Thats some kind of progress.
thank you everyone .
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I hope you are reading the stickies and other people's thread. There is so much information on SR.
Addiction is evil. It is very complicated and none of us here are any match for it.
If YOU stay, you will be hurt beyond words and it wont be just a broken heart. But you are going to do what you want - just like him so.....if you stay...please start seeing a therapist now or going to alanon or naranon so hopefully you wont come out of this relationship as messed up as many of have. His addiction is going to progress, it always does, and you have NO idea how bad things can get for YOU!!
Addiction is evil. It is very complicated and none of us here are any match for it.
If YOU stay, you will be hurt beyond words and it wont be just a broken heart. But you are going to do what you want - just like him so.....if you stay...please start seeing a therapist now or going to alanon or naranon so hopefully you wont come out of this relationship as messed up as many of have. His addiction is going to progress, it always does, and you have NO idea how bad things can get for YOU!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
I have been reading your various posts and until now really did not have much to add to the excellent posts sharing information and experience you have received so far.
I am struck by that fact that I think almost 2 weeks has gone by now and you still haven't addressed the issue with your BF. You have spent a lot of time and energy (yours and others) struggling with what I would call "what if" issues. Frankly you have no idea what is going on ..... really.
I think it is time to stop spinning around in pretend drama land and face reality....or at least find out what the reality is. No matter what is or isn't going on conducting a relationship with someone else all in your own head is very very unhealthy. You are never going to get the other person to play the role you think they should be playing.....ever......
Face what is going on so you know what exactly you should be working on for your self in the situation.
I do not mean this as criticism just want to give you a nudge.....sometimes action brings clarity.......
I am struck by that fact that I think almost 2 weeks has gone by now and you still haven't addressed the issue with your BF. You have spent a lot of time and energy (yours and others) struggling with what I would call "what if" issues. Frankly you have no idea what is going on ..... really.
I think it is time to stop spinning around in pretend drama land and face reality....or at least find out what the reality is. No matter what is or isn't going on conducting a relationship with someone else all in your own head is very very unhealthy. You are never going to get the other person to play the role you think they should be playing.....ever......
Face what is going on so you know what exactly you should be working on for your self in the situation.
I do not mean this as criticism just want to give you a nudge.....sometimes action brings clarity.......
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by cangel2
I have been reading your various posts and until now really did not have much to add to the excellent posts sharing information and experience you have received so far.
I am struck by that fact that I think almost 2 weeks has gone by now and you still haven't addressed the issue with your BF. You have spent a lot of time and energy (yours and others) struggling with what I would call "what if" issues. Frankly you have no idea what is going on ..... really.
I think it is time to stop spinning around in pretend drama land and face reality....or at least find out what the reality is. No matter what is or isn't going on conducting a relationship with someone else all in your own head is very very unhealthy. You are never going to get the other person to play the role you think they should be playing.....ever......
Face what is going on so you know what exactly you should be working on for your self in the situation.
I do not mean this as criticism just want to give you a nudge.....sometimes action brings clarity.......
I am struck by that fact that I think almost 2 weeks has gone by now and you still haven't addressed the issue with your BF. You have spent a lot of time and energy (yours and others) struggling with what I would call "what if" issues. Frankly you have no idea what is going on ..... really.
I think it is time to stop spinning around in pretend drama land and face reality....or at least find out what the reality is. No matter what is or isn't going on conducting a relationship with someone else all in your own head is very very unhealthy. You are never going to get the other person to play the role you think they should be playing.....ever......
Face what is going on so you know what exactly you should be working on for your self in the situation.
I do not mean this as criticism just want to give you a nudge.....sometimes action brings clarity.......
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
I hope you are reading the stickies and other people's thread. There is so much information on SR.
Addiction is evil. It is very complicated and none of us here are any match for it.
If YOU stay, you will be hurt beyond words and it wont be just a broken heart. But you are going to do what you want - just like him so.....if you stay...please start seeing a therapist now or going to alanon or naranon so hopefully you wont come out of this relationship as messed up as many of have. His addiction is going to progress, it always does, and you have NO idea how bad things can get for YOU!!
Addiction is evil. It is very complicated and none of us here are any match for it.
If YOU stay, you will be hurt beyond words and it wont be just a broken heart. But you are going to do what you want - just like him so.....if you stay...please start seeing a therapist now or going to alanon or naranon so hopefully you wont come out of this relationship as messed up as many of have. His addiction is going to progress, it always does, and you have NO idea how bad things can get for YOU!!
Im just thinking there must be valid reasons you have chose to stay. Your story is very interesting
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
... I didnt feel like by leaving it would really be beneficial to making him stop because all it really says is, I cant accept what you are doing and I dont want it in my life, but your free to go ahead and do what you want as I wont be around anymore. In that same way, it could make him worse because now he has less people that care about him, and less motivation to change.
You should find a professional to help you navigate through this tough time. And make some practical arrangements. Are you both on the lease where you live? Does he know where you bank? Pin numbers? Valuables? Car title? Do you have a place to stay if you have to leave in a hurry?
These arrangements must be made if you are intent on living under the same roof with a drug addict without enabling them. Oh, and you also can't believe a word he says. Why would you want to do this to yourself? You have no kids with the guy, you aren't married, no joint property?
I'm sorry for being so harsh. Believe me it comes from concern! Drug addiction is a harsh reality. The odds are overwhelmingly against you having a normal happy relationship with this person. If you stick around long enough with him, the chances of you having a normal happy relationship with anyone in the future could be diminished.
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Originally Posted by farfaraway
Leaving would be something you do only for YOU. All an addict cares about is drugs. You don't seem to believe it yet. But if he's indeed using again, and you want to stay, you'll find out soon enough how much he cares about you. Nothing you do is going to push him one way or the other, forget about it.
You should find a professional to help you navigate through this tough time. And make some practical arrangements. Are you both on the lease where you live? Does he know where you bank? Pin numbers? Valuables? Car title? Do you have a place to stay if you have to leave in a hurry?
These arrangements must be made if you are intent on living under the same roof with a drug addict without enabling them. Oh, and you also can't believe a word he says. Why would you want to do this to yourself? You have no kids with the guy, you aren't married, no joint property?
I'm sorry for being so harsh. Believe me it comes from concern! Drug addiction is a harsh reality. The odds are overwhelmingly against you having a normal happy relationship with this person. If you stick around long enough with him, the chances of you having a normal happy relationship with anyone in the future could be diminished.
You should find a professional to help you navigate through this tough time. And make some practical arrangements. Are you both on the lease where you live? Does he know where you bank? Pin numbers? Valuables? Car title? Do you have a place to stay if you have to leave in a hurry?
These arrangements must be made if you are intent on living under the same roof with a drug addict without enabling them. Oh, and you also can't believe a word he says. Why would you want to do this to yourself? You have no kids with the guy, you aren't married, no joint property?
I'm sorry for being so harsh. Believe me it comes from concern! Drug addiction is a harsh reality. The odds are overwhelmingly against you having a normal happy relationship with this person. If you stick around long enough with him, the chances of you having a normal happy relationship with anyone in the future could be diminished.
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