Heroin addict ex
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Heroin addict ex
My ex boyfriend relapsed on heroin while we were together. He left me. Just completely abandoned me one day. It’s been over a year and we just recently came into contact again. We talked about everything and he just kept apologizing saying that he loves me but he had to save me from him. He said he was terrified of getting me on dope. He says that his life is just a mess and that I make him happy but he makes himself and everyone sad and that I’m just way too good for him. He said that he misses me terribly and that the only way for him to deal with everything that happened is to stay as high as humanly possible. He’s been battling this for fourteen years and has just basically accepted that this is his fate and it will kill him. He says he hates it and wants to stop so bad. He hasn’t talked to me in three weeks. Won’t answer my calls or emails. I just don’t know what to do? Why won’t he let me near him? I want to help him so bad but he just cuts me out of his life.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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How exactly can you help him?
Recovery is 100% an inside job.
He is a long term drug addict and seems resigned to this. Can you let go of the hopeful fantasy that this sweet talking guy will somehow turn into the guy you want/need?
An oldie but goodie book is "Ten Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives". Your local library probably has a copy or you can buy it used at Amzon for 1 cent plus S&H.
Recovery is 100% an inside job.
He is a long term drug addict and seems resigned to this. Can you let go of the hopeful fantasy that this sweet talking guy will somehow turn into the guy you want/need?
An oldie but goodie book is "Ten Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives". Your local library probably has a copy or you can buy it used at Amzon for 1 cent plus S&H.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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I just want to help him by being here for him. As a listening ear and support if he wants to get help. I am not looking to get back together with him or anything of that nature. I have moved on and am in a wonderful, healthy relationship. It just hurts and is confusing when someone you've known for twenty years cuts you out because of their addiction.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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You cannot help him. You need to let him go.
What you cannot see, because you cannot understand the way a heroin addict thinks, is that in his mind YOU are to blame for his relapse:
He cannot see that the problem is within him. He looks for something outside of himself to blame for his drug use. He will use EVERYONE who comes into his life this way. He is not accountable to himself or his Higher Power. Involving yourself at any level with a person who thinks this way is dangerous. You need to focus on yourself and why it is you feel so obsessed with "helping" someone who can give NOTHING back to you. You want to save a heroin addict? SAVE YOURSELF.
What you cannot see, because you cannot understand the way a heroin addict thinks, is that in his mind YOU are to blame for his relapse:
We talked about everything and he just kept apologizing saying that he loves me but he had to save me from him. He said he was terrified of getting me on dope. He says that his life is just a mess and that I make him happy but he makes himself and everyone sad and that I’m just way too good for him. He said that he misses me terribly and that the only way for him to deal with everything that happened is to stay as high as humanly possible.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by bkb 
Do you mean "The Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives"? I've read that one. But not the one you mentioned.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by bkb
I just want to help him by being here for him. As a listening ear and support if he wants to get help. I am not looking to get back together with him or anything of that nature. I have moved on and am in a wonderful, healthy relationship. It just hurts and is confusing when someone you've known for twenty years cuts you out because of their addiction.
I know it's painful when our need to fix and support is not welcomed by the targeted recipient.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
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Having someone physically there is not what drug addicts need, especially a heroin addict. That's for normal people. The heroin addict needs money, cash, car, shelter anything to help him sustain his next high. If you become a casualties along the way (such as him disappearing on you last time) then so be it.
Accept this, accept your losses, and accept that you will not have drugs in your life. If you want any kind of relationship with this ex, expect lies, manipulation and your things stolen left and right.
Accept this, accept your losses, and accept that you will not have drugs in your life. If you want any kind of relationship with this ex, expect lies, manipulation and your things stolen left and right.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Bkb, I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. I've been a lifelong addict and now that I have the straight time that I do, I finally have anoter emotion besides anger, unfortunately it's guilty. Anvilhead probably said it best. Prayin for both of you. 
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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If he wants to recover he needs to talk to the folks in AA or NA.
He needs to work a program, for a long time.
He told you he is miserable, he told you he will make your life miserable.
His life is a mess, and he told you he will mess up your life too.
Listen to him, because he is right. This is a gift, take it.
Let him go, let him fall, if you stay , you will both be sick.
He hasn't called you because he is as high as humanly possible. He is having a relationship with Heroin, he has chosen, Heroin is more powerful than anything else to him. He may miss you but he will miss Heroin more.
He told you that. He doesn't want you near him, that is why he hasn't called you, Honey you need to start thinking about your own recovery.
He needs to work a program, for a long time.
He told you he is miserable, he told you he will make your life miserable.
His life is a mess, and he told you he will mess up your life too.
Listen to him, because he is right. This is a gift, take it.
Let him go, let him fall, if you stay , you will both be sick.
He hasn't called you because he is as high as humanly possible. He is having a relationship with Heroin, he has chosen, Heroin is more powerful than anything else to him. He may miss you but he will miss Heroin more.
He told you that. He doesn't want you near him, that is why he hasn't called you, Honey you need to start thinking about your own recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
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I've been with my Heroin addict boyfriend for almost ten years now. Trust me. There is NOTHING you can do. I can't tell you how many pointless heart-to-hearts, how many two steps forward and ten steps back, how many best intentions and broken promises you will step into if you persue this.
Everyone makes their own mind and their own bed. But as someone who lives the hell of a relationship with a heroin addict every single day...man I wouln't wish it on anyone else. If I wasn't the incredibly strong person I am I literally wouldn't be here anymore.
Listening, I can tell because you sound like a really nice and loving person, will only make you want to get involved more. That's fine and dandy as long as you WANT to be lied to blatantly about everything, used up emotionally, financially, basically any way he can.
It sounds harsh, but it's the truth what everyone else has said. "Normal" or "healthy" relationships are not possbile with addicts. We are NOTHING compared to the high and the ritual of heroin. He will never "think of you" or "put your best interests forward" or any of that daydreamy magical healing B.S. that people try to convince themselves will happen for themselves and their addicts. It's a fallacy.
I wish my boyfriend had left randomly. I wish he'd stayed away the handful of times I was strong enough to push him out. You've had a HUGE blessing with your ex NOT being in your life. It might not feel like it to you right now, but believe me sister...you don't want none of this ****. And that's the truth from one with ten years of experience.
It never gets easier. It never gets fixed. There is no hope unless they themselves want to change. And from what you've written, he surely does not want to.
Please don't get sucked in and treated like a sucker.
Best of wishes to you. (and envious thoughts on your healthy relationship m'dear)
Everyone makes their own mind and their own bed. But as someone who lives the hell of a relationship with a heroin addict every single day...man I wouln't wish it on anyone else. If I wasn't the incredibly strong person I am I literally wouldn't be here anymore.
Listening, I can tell because you sound like a really nice and loving person, will only make you want to get involved more. That's fine and dandy as long as you WANT to be lied to blatantly about everything, used up emotionally, financially, basically any way he can.
It sounds harsh, but it's the truth what everyone else has said. "Normal" or "healthy" relationships are not possbile with addicts. We are NOTHING compared to the high and the ritual of heroin. He will never "think of you" or "put your best interests forward" or any of that daydreamy magical healing B.S. that people try to convince themselves will happen for themselves and their addicts. It's a fallacy.
I wish my boyfriend had left randomly. I wish he'd stayed away the handful of times I was strong enough to push him out. You've had a HUGE blessing with your ex NOT being in your life. It might not feel like it to you right now, but believe me sister...you don't want none of this ****. And that's the truth from one with ten years of experience.
It never gets easier. It never gets fixed. There is no hope unless they themselves want to change. And from what you've written, he surely does not want to.
Please don't get sucked in and treated like a sucker.
Best of wishes to you. (and envious thoughts on your healthy relationship m'dear)
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and that I’m just way too good for him.
gentle hugs
ke
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I guess you missed where I posted that I am now in a healthy and happy relationship. I'm just worried about my friend of over 20 years. He's been an addict 14 of those 20 years and we were always able to still talk about everything. He's always been a good friend to me as well. Even in active addiction. He's NEVER used me for money or anything of that nature. He actually at one time had access to my money and bank account when we lived together and never stole from me. I was just so happy for a moment to have my friend back. We were talking a few times a week. He would confide in me what he's been going through. His mother just passed away and I was very close to her as well. We helped support each other through that. We've always been able to be great friends until now for some reason.
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