WoeIsMe

I want to make this easy. I am a mother of a 43 year old who WAS addicted to meth. I don't think she ever stopped. Two children live with her dad and I along with her. She does not work. She sleeps all day and does absolutely nothing. She expects it all to come to her. She is overweight but her face and body is broken out. I'm afraid for her and the children. The 12 year old has to take care of the 6 year old. If the dads find out, it will break the older ones heart. Story in a nutshell, I work (home office) Dad cooks, she sleeps and we are raising two boys. I am ready to leave home for real. Can't stand the filth she creates in her area. My health has gone sour since she mooched her way in in 2006. She went to jail because she got caught. She denies everything and lies about everything, too. She has no man in her life but they've all rejected her. The lower level where she "lives" is bug infested, filth from garbage.....yuck!! Not the way we live. We have to give her money for the kids. One dad pays child support - one will not. Pawned expensive jewelry, goes off in my van middle of the day, her car needs work but as long as there's a piece of bread, a coke and gas in something, she is fine. Let me tell you - my story is 1000 times worse than I have the time to share. All the shrinks I've seen and psychologists say it's the worst they've ever heard. Sex toys found when her house was raided. Drug paraphenalia - she won't admit to anything so we can get her help. Lies all the time. Lies about what she ate!!! I think she's going out late at night to give sex for drugs. Possible?? I do not know. She will come home and take a shower. What if drugs wind up in my van when I drive it??? No responsibility. Now I am rattling but it's 4:30 in the AM. Ready to really jump!!

wicked

WoeisMe,

I just wanted to say welcome to SR. It is very late here on the East Coast, so there is not much traffic here now. In a couple, few hours, you will have some responses to your thread.
I am sorry for you weakened health and the position you and her dad are in, taking care of the boys while she does what she wants. I have an adult son, out there using heroin, I have only heard from him once in nearly a year. He was asking for money.
You sound very desperate and sad. If she will not admit to an obvious problem to get help, you must ask yourself, as well as your husband, what good is it for her to be with you?
She is damaging her own children with her behavior, and obviously does not care about how either of you feel. If you are giving her money, she is not using it for the kids, unless you see receipts. Addicts lie. You know this. They lie when they don't have too.
Please, there is nothing you can do right this second. Because it is 4:40 am. Try to go to bed and rest. Just lay down, and think about quiet days and silent nights. This could be yours, but you will have to do some things you might not like. You sound almost ready to do it though.
Six years? You have been through enough. Time to lay down and rest, better days are coming for you and your family. Give her up to God, and let her go.
My wish for you tonight is to rest, and know you can control yourself, but not her.
:ghug3
Beth

Hollyanne

Hi WoeIsMe,
I just wanted to "bump" this a bit.
I am not a parent or grandparent.
I think I would get custody of the children and get cooperation from children's services and kick her out. I would hate to see the children go with her.
I am very sympathetic to a struggling addict, but not someone who is just selfish and lazy and dragging everyone down around her.
It also sounds as if you are plain disgusted with her at this point.
Time to go. You do not leave your house. She leaves.
Ok, more people will be along. Lots of very wise peeps on here.

Ann

Welcome Woe, glad you found us.

Sadly, I had to make my son leave many times. When they live with us it just helps them to be able to use, if that makes sense. Our "rules" mean nothing, and we end up getting sick with them.

There is no reason you should have to live like this. There are other options for her. "We" are never their only option, we're not even good ones.

I would offer her a list of rehabs (Salvation Army Rehabs are free), a meeting list, detox centres and then let her choose whether to go their or live on the street. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

Consider that there is you, your husband, your other children and her children who are all being held hostage by her addiction. There is no reason to watch this, there is no reason to have bugs in your place...there are other options for her besides living with you.

My son is my addicted loved one, I could not save him from himself. He knows where help is and each day I say a prayer and give his care over to God, praying that he will reach out to the place that can really help him.

Hugs from one mama to another.

Elphie

Since i actually just did this, i can speak from experience. Been there with the lying, the neglect of the kids, the entitlement, the sleeping all day, not working, mooching....None of the choices you are about to have to make are going to be easy.

If you can get custody/guardianship of the kids (if you are able to take that responsibility on), it is a fairly simple process here in MA....and kick her butt out....tell her she gets help or she is not welcome in the home. Children's services would never allow kids to live that way. Just did it last week to my 24 year old...hardest damn thing i have ever done in my life (and I've not had an easy life)....but, now hopefully she gets help, my granddaughter is safe and I don't have to worry about drugs/her drug user friends, or other mess in my home.

It hurts, it's hard...i don't know where she is or what she is doing but, if this does not push her to get into a program i don't know what will.

You are not alone on this journey.

outtolunch

And apparently it has. She has a place to live, food to eat, a car to drive and other people watch over her kids. You are enabling her to live this lifestyle. How is it possible that she goes off in your van in the night?

Those of us that have chosen to live with people in active addiction learn we must protect our own stuff. We sleep with our purses underneath our pillows or mattress. We walk on egg shells. We become bitter and angry at the world. This is our choice.

We tend to become obsessed with trying to fix the other person and do so to the point that we lose control of ourselves.

What can you do to make your own life better?

outtolunch

Our boundaries protect us and minor children and do not seek to influence or control another person's choices/outcomes.

EnglishGarden

The 12-Step programs emphasize "the greatest good for the greatest number" and it applies to families as well. One person does not get to be the most important. One person's problems should not be allowed to infect the entire system. If an addict is in the household and the entire household is suffering as a result, that is not the greatest good for the greatest number.

I'm sorry for the pain you feel, but I encourage you to kick her out, so that the greatest number of people in your family have a chance of a healthier life they each very much deserve to live.

PrayingMama

I am so sorry for the reasons you are here on SR. Addiction is like a cancer--you don't feed it, you remove it. I know that sounds harsh, but there are children involved and their welfare, as well as yours, needs to be addressed in the healthiest way possible.

I hope you have sane, supportive people in your life who can help you accomplish the difficult tasks ahead. Do you attend meetings--Alanon, Naranon, Families Anonymous? Enormously helpful. Lifesaving really.

Blessings to you.

BeavsDad

This was your only question.

You've been enabling her for a long time.

Are you ready to stop enabling and take control of your own life?

If you are, there are plenty of people here that can help you gain strength through their past and current experiences.

If you're not, you may find our responses unappealing.

WoeIsMe

but I really thank you all. What I need is a listener. I s anyone phone conversation ready???? It is so painful to think of kicking out my daughter and hurting 2 boys, one of which is very close to God at 12. Would this make him angry with me because his mother does no wrong in his eyes and I admire him for that but for the rest of us, it's hell. We are so much in the poorhouse.....but I would rather be poor and happy than live like this. I have no reasoning power anymore and am very worn down. Thanks again to all of you that are listening. I need that badly.

PrayingMama

Dear Woe,

It is extremely difficult, which is why so many posters have urged you to attend support meetings. You do need face-to-face, in-person help, and people to listen, and you can find that at Naranon, Alanon, Families Anonymous, etc. The children need support, too, and probably individual counseling. When financial resources are an issue, there are mental health programs and facilities that provide services on a sliding scale. Their school may be a source of information/referral and help, as well. Even though it's summer, school personnel are still working, at least part of the day, and guidance counselors often can supply you with information about resources in your community that you didn't know existed.

You mention that the 12-year-old is "close to God." Are you connected to a church in your area? Sometimes pastors/priests provide counseling free of charge, and they are usually skilled listeners. (And many, many faith communities have support group meetings held on their premises.)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I pray that you reach out and find some strong, helpful people to support you. Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart.

Kindeyes

I am sorry that you are dealing with this problem in your home. There is no doubt that the tentacles of addiction will reach throughout the house and affect everyone and everything in it.

You say you need a good listener. I understand wanting to talk it out. We all need to do that sometimes.

.

It sounds like you've had some good listeners. They've given you an assessment of the situation and yet it continues. Talking will not improve your situation. Only action on your part will. When you get really sick and tired of the situation you're in, you'll be prepared to stop talking and start listening. And most importantly, you'll be prepared to begin to take action to take care of yourself.

gentle hugs
ke

lisasneeze

This is very sad! Addicts cannot raise children, it is that simple. They will devastate the children. If you and her father are willing I would collect evidence and get those kids removed from her, it isn't fair to the kids to experience that lifestyle. Having kids removed from an addict can be done fairly quickly, the courts and family services will act on an emergency basis. I've been through it. I had to get an order of protection to get my ex out of the house and the courts granted me full custody within days.


I am very sorry for what you are having to go through! Addicts are a piece of work and yes, they can be absolutely filthy and live in filthy horrible conditions without concern. I have also found in some cases with meth addicts and crack addicts that drug creates and drives an unhealthy sexual addiction, because of the nature of certain drugs and lifestyle, in some people it will cause hyper-sexuality but unhealthy and risky sexual behavior goes hand in hand with addicts. Also with meth addicts their skin often breaks out when they use "meth bugs" etc. it is a whopper of an addiction!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Again I am so sorry you are having to deal with this!!! Welcome here though and I hope you will keep sharing. There are really good people here who care and are of great support and wisdom!

SadHeart

My son would let the dog poop and pee on his bed, then just throw a cover over it and sleep in the bed with it. Or on the other part of the bed.

When I found out (the poop was so old it was white), I said, "This is how mentally ill people live." He got indignation: "Are you calling me mentally ill?"

Yes, babycakes, I am.

He runs around and says, "My mother calls me mentally ill, woe is me, woe is me." But he never runs around and says, "I sleep in dog poop. I hit my mother, I lifted one brother by the neck and spit in the face of the other. I broke into my mother's house and trashed it twice while she was out of town." Nope, he never says that part.

And when I counter his accusation that I called him mentally ill and tell the rest of the story, people somehow think **I'm** exaggerating or making it up. He's such a great kid, you see. How can I be so mean to him.

This is what happens when y ou throw them out. I don't tell you this to discourage you, but to point out how important it is to get face-to-face help from al- or nar-anon. It's a very difficult thing to do, and like you pointed out with your 12 yo grandson, people blame you and think the addict can do no wrong.

It still needs to be done though.