bluejaybird

I had planned to confront my boyfriend this weekend about the needles I found almost two weeks ago. But I couldn’t do it. I don’t know what happened. We spent the whole weekend together “together” and it was so perfect.

Im having such a hard time believing that he is lying to me and he is shooting up.

I did ask him how he was doing because I knew he had been under stress, and he said that he had, but he was doing alright and I didn’t need to worry about him, everything was fine. (That is what so many of you said happens when you ask them).

I know Im pathetic and after my big realization about my own health and safety, on Friday on my way home I even bought condoms, but they never made it out of my purse all weekend.

In less than two weeks we are supposed to go off on vacation together, and I keep thinking IF (back to if ) he is shooting up, how is he going to go? He cant carry drugs on the plane. What is he going to do? Wouldn’t he be trying to get out of going on the vacation, instead of saying how he is looking forward to it. That part really puzzles me.

Learn2Live

I have refused to accept and believe what my eyes and ears and rational mind told me because it was so incredibly painful to do so. Just a few short weeks ago. It felt like my body was being torn in two. And I have A LOT of experience with what I have just gone through in my life, yet again, and it hurts just as bad now as it did the first time, and the second time. Denial is a natural defense mechanism we humans use because the truth is too painful to bear. Be gentle with yourself. Allow your awareness to open slowly. Sometimes you might see something and feel the need to run away. Sometimes you will feel the need to stay and fight. After doing this awhile, more will be revealed. Take baby steps. Insist on the condoms. Practice the conversation you need to have with him in the mirror. Be aware that all is NOT right. Talk to yourself about accepting what you know about him and how dangerous it is.

The truth shall set you free.

interrupted

In a normal, healthy relationship "why are there needles in your bag?!" is neither a hard, nor an unreasonable question to ask.

I think you must know deep down that this is not normal or healthy.

LoveMeNow

"He cant carry drugs on the plane. What is he going to do?"

He is going to do what addicts do and take his chances and most likely wont get caught. His addiction controls him, he does not control it!!

BeavsDad

Spit it out, then either believe him or don't.

Keep educating yourself on addiction and codependency.

If he's fallen off the wagon, the obvious signs should appear soon enough.

LoveMeNow

I wouldn't give him an opportunity to lie to me. Being lied to - literally made me so unhealthy. The self doubt became surreal and I couldn't even trust my own instincts anymore.

At one point, I asked my husband just to be honest. I said I could accept the pills, just not the lies. He agreed, but it was a lie!! Addicts lie...no if, and, or buts...they lie.

bluejaybird

This has so much I needed to hear. Thank you. Ive been beating myself up all day at work. Not so much when I was with him all weekend, but when Im on my own I know its not right. Im just weak to him. Gotta get stronger to deal with what will happen when the truth comes out.

LoveMeNow

Maybe you could go to an Alanon or Naranon meeting, get some clarity and strength before you make any decisions.

It may also tell him what you already know but are having a hard time accepting and/or discussing with him.

bluejaybird

We travel a lot too. Ive never had a problem with any bottles or liquids or anything. But to carry narcotics on a plane would just be plain crazy I think. And we are going to be gone for 3 weeks so he would need a large quantity I would think and to get caught with that could be really serious.

In my mind I want to believe that he will tell me. He just needs time to accept what he is doing. Its going to come out even if I dont confront him because he is taking regular drug tests. He had one at the end of June and I know it was fine. But shortly after that is when I found the stuff in his bag. Part of me just wants to wait and see.... part of me wants to tell someone else.... part of me wants to have the discussion. I know it sounds crazy to everyone. I know it is crazy. I do care about myself, but I had not been even thinking about transmitted disease until I came here and read so much. I mean he is home, hes not out sharing needles, so I think the chance is still low. And he has been tested and then retested for absolute just months ago.

bluejaybird

I wish Id done that on the day I found it. But that was like a Saturday when I did the laundry, and he was home on Sunday and I let it go in my mind. And then he took the bag with him on Monday because he had been working out with a friend lately. And few days later when the bag was back in the house . there was nothing in it. I havent found anything in the house, except and it may be nothing. Right before I posted here, I found this ripped tiny paper on the bedroom floor, and I think it was the part of the wrapper for an alcohol pad. Beause it was so small, I kept thinking maybe he used it to roll up or snort with, but then I found in his medicine cabinet some alcohol wipes. and the paper matched. But that could have been there from using it after he shaved or something. Its not very conclusive evicence. I cant confront him with an alcohol wipe !

Learn2Live

Beating yourself up WEAKENS you. Stop doing that. Focus on your strengths, and on protecting yourself.

crazybabie

"He cant carry drugs on the plane. What is he going to do?"

Like another poster said he will take some with him or he will score on vacation they always find a way.

BeingStill

My RAS used to pride himself on using clean needles. He may have used toilet water or a puddle on the ground to mix his heroin, but by golly that syringe was new. If he absolutely had to use a recycled syringe, then he used alcohol wipes to be safe. He was never safe. My fear is that you aren't either.

EnglishGarden

Dear,
One possible reason the weekend was so "perfect" is that he is on opiates. The drug's effects are euphoria and relaxation and a profound sense of well-being. As long as an opiate addict is not withdrawing from the drug, he can be quite nice to be around.

This is why it is so painful, later, when a partner realizes that what she thought was soul connection was the illusion created by addiction.

HIV is terrible terrible terrible terrible. Please, even if you don't care if he is using and choose to stay, please use protection.

LoveMeNow

"This is why it is so painful, later, when a partner realizes that what she thought was soul connection was the illusion created by addiction."

Wow EG, I was just trying to explain this exact thing and why I was so hurt when I learned the truth. You said it so much better then I could though. Thank you!!

Ann

How very true that statement is.

I'm not sure where you are vacationing, but if it is out of the country you will be under the laws of the country you are in. If drugs are found you too could be in serious trouble. You would not be the first.

I am really really hoping this won't be the case, I hope he is clean and all is well...but trust your instinct and please be very careful. And yes, use protected sex, even if he is clean today if he used needles it is very risky.

Good luck, however this unfolds.

Hugs

crazybabie

Are you going anywhere you have traveled before? If so he could have connections there. As. far as the drug test you mentioned there are so many products that can mast the results of those. My AS was on probation and he would drink some stuff and test clean all the time. Then there is synthetic urine no telling what else.

amaslow

And just why do you not think you can confront him about an alcohol pad?? You can confront him about anything you want to!! His history gives you the right.. Of course, it is an invitation to him to lie and then you feel bad for being suspicious... ( he counts on that ) This conditions you to ignore reality...

Again, I think the I would simply say, I know are using and I hope you get help. I cannot be with you. You will have to leave or I am leaving...NO DISCUSSION.. NO DIALOGUE...Have a plan to be gone and a support system.. Write it in a letter if you are afraid you can't say it and hold your boundary. Just make sure you are clear.. No negotiation...

incitingsilence

You have to just ask him, really now.
Or you let it go and let it play out and this conversation is over and so is the self torture thing you got going on that I want to ask if you can live without … if you might like the insanity. Maybe that is why you won’t ask…
Maybe it is a fear…some affirmation you don’t want of the truth.
Maybe it is easier to be stuck like this for you … in the middle wondering of the truth, the lies because if you don’t know then you don’t have to do anything but stay stuck.

And this sharing needles stuff. My husband said he never shared needles, so either he got lucky and he didn’t catch anything to pass along to me because I am fine … or OMG he never did and told the truth. I know imagine that…

And again I go back to the lies we tell ourselves. You want to stay no matter what, ride it out, take the chance then do it, you want to leave then do it … but to need some reason, some thing he needs to do to make it make sense to make a decision isn’t healthy at all. You either know yourself or you don’t. You either know what you want or you don’t.

And in the end, all the answers you need are within you and were always there and nothing, NOTHING will be shown by looking through him.

BeingStill

My son said he never shared needles. That could be true. But he admitted he did share cottons, for filtering. And water to mix the heroin. They could share water or the same bottle cap or container for water. The process is full of risk and not limited to just the needles. And who knows what my ex did or did not do. It was my lack of self-worth that made me play Russian Roulette with my health.

If your bf is an addict IN RECOVERY... not just clean and sober, but IN RECOVERY... then he would understand and respect your concerns. Recovering addicts understand the need to build trust. If you're so afraid of his reaction to such a VALID question about finding needles, then that's concerning.

If he was an alcoholic and you found empty Vodka bottles in his bag, how would you react? Would you make excuses for him? Would you ignore it? He's an IV drug user and there were needles in his bag. Needles. That's not normal.