Lara

So so true!!!!!!! How many times have I put H first and not me!!!!!!

Jody675

Blue, i had planned a holiday with my now exAbf to meet my family. he had bought tickets and we had payed for accommodation. 4 days before we were due to leave i broke up with him, for i just didn't think i wanted to introduce to my family a guy who took acid and drank too much. i paid him back for the accommodation, but not his flights. i also had a romantic weekend planned with him before we went, which i had already paid for, and told him it was best he didn't come. i took some friends and had a lovely time anyway. not romantic, but still fun. it was a tough decision to make, but i made it because i had to start making decisions that were HEALTHY FOR ME, and not PRETEND that everything was going to be ok. might be time to wake up and start doing what is right for you.

bluejaybird

I know you have mentioned opiates before, but no I really dont think so. I dont see any change in his behavior from the normal Im used to. I really think that this weekend was genuine although I understand what you are saying.

Im certain that what is is shooting up must be cocaine again because that is his doc. That is what makes up his past, and he has told me straight out that he likes the feeling he gets from it. He has never liked the opiate affect and I dotn see any of the signs of opiate use that are mentioned here. If anything I see up ' and energetic behavior. Probably it would be better if he switched to somethign else, because maybe that would not make the bond with hid doc so strong.

bluejaybird

Sometimes I guess it really is hard to accept what is right before you. It was only by chance that I made the discovery about his using again. I did want to deny the fact, but there is no other explanation for him having the needles. I think I truly accepted this part last week.

But what Im having a harder time with has been that Ive had faith that he would voluntarily admit to me that he was using again. My expectation has been that he would quickly come to realize he was in trouble and needed to stop, get help to stop, and then we would be able to work through it. All of these thoughts were based on what happened earlier in the year when he slipped up.

I think what is sinking in now, is that he has had two weeks to tell me, and he has chosen not to. There have been many opportunities, and I feel like I set the stage for him to be open and honest all while knowing I would be understanding. What this means must be like you are all telling me, he is actively using and right now he doesn’t want to admit it, he doesn’t want to stop. Therefore he is keeping me in the dark to protect his use, and to protect the life we have and make him feel normal still.

It so sad it is heartbreaking. I have never been through this before like many of you have. I appreciate your sharing your experiences with me because I think it has opened my eyes much quicker to what is going on. I have thought a lot yesterday about what to do after I confront him.

I wish I had something to hold in front of him to show him I have proof so he cant deny it, but right now I don’t. It doesn’t really matter. I saw it, and he knows what he is doing. If he choses to lie to me for whatever reason, then I think that Im in a place now where I can recognize its not personal, but is being done because he is very sick and in denial. His lying is going to be futile however because he will get caught up by the next drug test that will happen in just a few weeks. The test I don’t think can be fooled as it is not done on urine, it’s one where they analyze a hair sample. When he gets caught, I don’t know what will happen to him regarding his job. My thought it they will offer rehab to him as the treatment he is in now must not be sufficient. I hope he will be smart enough to accept that and be willing to change otherwise its just going to be him going through the motions to keep his career.

I have decided that once I confront him, Im going to suggest that he use the vacation time already set aside, to check himself into treatment and get some help before its known to everyone else. That seems like his best chance at keeping his job, and proving that he is trying.

All of your comments have been really helpful and have made me think in directions I would not have gone. Someone said maybe I was enjoying living in the phase of self torture causing drama for myself. No I don’t think that it is. There has not been much drama in the relationship with my boyfriend since Ive known him. But right now I realize I am the one causing the distress to myself; not him. He hasn’t lied, he hasn’t done anything because I haven’t said anything to him to prompt that. the change in out relationship because of this is what Ive been afraid of.

What Im working on right now, is what should I do for me. Once I confront him, and he admits hes at it again, or once the test proves hes been lying and hes at it again. Do I stay with him if he agrees to get help, or do I leave. Right now I feel I want to stay. But if he refuses treatment and says he is not ready, then I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if by staying that enables him, and possibly hurts him, or it is being supportive because I love him. That I guess is where Im at now in the thought process.

Freedom1990

I didn't understand for a long time what healthy love was.

The truth was I didn't love myself, so how could I possibly love someone else?

I too put myself at risk for many years, especially with my second husband.

He's deceased now, complications due to AIDS contracted while sharing needles with another IV user.

We never had protected sex. I missed getting that little "gift" from him by two weeks. He contracted AIDS while I was in rehab for my own addictions/alcoholism.

I never went home to him after rehab, and neither of us knew at that time that he was positive for HIV.

This disease kills, and you don't even have to be the addict in the equation.

kmangel

His reaction to what you say to him will give you a heads up about where he is right now. You have to ask him, though. Sitting around wondering is never going to give you a clue to the truth of what is really going on. If he gets all bent out of shape, denying very loudly that he is using again, is defensive and hurt and asking you how you could be so cruel as to even ask the question, then that is a clear sign he that he still has a problem. If he is calm then that's another story.

By your being afraid to confront your boyfriend and seeing how he reacts towards you, you are missing out on a very important clue to this puzzle. I've never been one to hold back confronting my AS. If his reaction was self righteous "How could you say THAT to me, Mom? Do you know how that makes me FEEL when you accuse me of still using?" then I knew he was messed up. Otherwise, I believe he would have been calm and understanding. It's not easy living with an addict and the addict knows they are not easy to live with (that is if they are truly recovering). They know and expect their loved ones to be suspicious. It takes a lot to regain trust lost.

I can't see how needles found in his backpack could be anything other than from current drug use. Ask him about them and see what kind of reaction you get. Then come back and tell us what he does. You don't have to have all the answers to what you are going to do about what you discover when you confront him. You can still take time to mull it over. But ask him. Get it out in the open and see what he does.

So give it a shot and tell him what you found and see how he takes it. That will give you a picture of one part of the puzzle you are trying to solve.

interrupted

I don't really know if his answer to the question really matters. I think you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship where you are scared to ask perfectly rational and reasonable questions, and one where you consistently value someone or something else over your own health and well being. I know it sucks and it sounds really harsh, but your feelings don't hinge on his response to any particular question - your feelings are valid independent of his actions. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

amaslow

His response is irrelevant.. He has no credibility..What could he possilbly say that would make a difference ? syringes in his bag speaks for itself... Addicttion = lies..100% .. You cannot trust that he will go to treatment, nor should you demand it.. THE MOST THERAPUETIC THING FOR HIM IS TO SEE YOU SIMPLY SAY.." I KNOW YOU ARE USING.. I AM GONE...GODDBYE"
If he goes to treatment, then you can regroup...
Trust me!