What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 24
What to do?
For those of you who may not have seen my previous post:
My ex-husband and I had our AD committed for mental and substance abuse evaluation June 29th. (The mental evaluation due to her finding her boyfriend in their bed, dead of an overdose of methadone and AD's substance abuse of opiates). The judge, together with a doctor, ordered her to out-patient treatment because she has a 10 month baby and did not want to disrupt the mother-child bonding process. I knew out-patient was not a wise choice. The baby was placed with me and is still living with me and my husband.
Well guess what? She didn't show up for the out-patient treatment! Nor has she made much attempt to see her child. I just don't understand how she could abandon her baby. I am so hurt and angry with her.
I realize addicts live in a world of their own but I tried explaining to her that this first year of an infant's life is so dependent on building a solid relationship with his mommy- especially since he lost his daddy to drug overdose just 2 months ago.
Tomorrow I think I should call the authorities to let the know she didn't show for treatment. The treatment center is supposed to notify authorities in cases like this but from what I have heard- so many times these cases just fall through the cracks. I want her in treatment ASAP. I know that if she does not want the help, it could be a waste of time. Still I can't help thinking that she is in such a fog and probably suffering PTSD and is not thinking clearly at all!
She doesn't realize she could lose custody of her child since Human Services is involved. I am so willing to help her in any way to get into and actually work at recovery. But I will be 65 years old soon, and caring for a baby is taking a toll on me since I have some health issues. I'm so afraid that she will never get into recovery and I won't be able to care for this beautiful child forever. It's just tearing me apart. There is no one else in the family able or willing to take over for me should I not be able physically to care for him.
Sorry this is such a long post but I needed to voice this. I keep telling myself over and over "Let go and let God"
My ex-husband and I had our AD committed for mental and substance abuse evaluation June 29th. (The mental evaluation due to her finding her boyfriend in their bed, dead of an overdose of methadone and AD's substance abuse of opiates). The judge, together with a doctor, ordered her to out-patient treatment because she has a 10 month baby and did not want to disrupt the mother-child bonding process. I knew out-patient was not a wise choice. The baby was placed with me and is still living with me and my husband.
Well guess what? She didn't show up for the out-patient treatment! Nor has she made much attempt to see her child. I just don't understand how she could abandon her baby. I am so hurt and angry with her.
I realize addicts live in a world of their own but I tried explaining to her that this first year of an infant's life is so dependent on building a solid relationship with his mommy- especially since he lost his daddy to drug overdose just 2 months ago.
Tomorrow I think I should call the authorities to let the know she didn't show for treatment. The treatment center is supposed to notify authorities in cases like this but from what I have heard- so many times these cases just fall through the cracks. I want her in treatment ASAP. I know that if she does not want the help, it could be a waste of time. Still I can't help thinking that she is in such a fog and probably suffering PTSD and is not thinking clearly at all!
She doesn't realize she could lose custody of her child since Human Services is involved. I am so willing to help her in any way to get into and actually work at recovery. But I will be 65 years old soon, and caring for a baby is taking a toll on me since I have some health issues. I'm so afraid that she will never get into recovery and I won't be able to care for this beautiful child forever. It's just tearing me apart. There is no one else in the family able or willing to take over for me should I not be able physically to care for him.
Sorry this is such a long post but I needed to voice this. I keep telling myself over and over "Let go and let God"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ahh, darn, it's so hard when they just won't do what they need to, even when court ordered.
Most times I suggest just letting go and letting life unfold as it may, but since there is a baby involved I think I would report it and try to get some kind of legal temporary custody to protect you and the baby should she return and insist on taking her with her when she is incapable of caring for her.
If you cannot provide for the baby over the long term, it might be best to try to find a good foster home (and contrary to media hype there are many many very good foster homes) for her. You cannot help the child if your health fails too.
I will keep you all in my prayers, this is such a sad situation indeed.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's
Most times I suggest just letting go and letting life unfold as it may, but since there is a baby involved I think I would report it and try to get some kind of legal temporary custody to protect you and the baby should she return and insist on taking her with her when she is incapable of caring for her.
If you cannot provide for the baby over the long term, it might be best to try to find a good foster home (and contrary to media hype there are many many very good foster homes) for her. You cannot help the child if your health fails too.
I will keep you all in my prayers, this is such a sad situation indeed.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you have the means, you might consider simply hiring a nanny for 8-9 hours each day. Someone young and strong and dependable with quality references. If you can't afford that many hours, then consider part-time, perhaps the earlier part of the day when the child is most active. They rise early, as I fondly remember. When my son was 3, I hired a wonderful young woman to care for him so I could work--I had to work--and though I was barely making enough to pay her, I did manage. Sometimes God sends us the very angels we need. My toddler loved her company.
Your daughter is very ill with addictive disease and she may be unable to stop using for some time to come. I would not place on hold any decisions about the child.
While your daughter certainly has trauma involving the death of her boyfriend, today addiction is her primary medical issue. If she is unwilling to enter treatment, the best you can do is find a way to protect the child with a long-range plan--not day-to-day in anticipation of your daughter's ups and downs but long range and solid, as the child needs consistency--and step away from your daughter's life so that she experiences the full consequences of her addiction and perhaps may one day come to recovery as a result of the negative events that will certainly happen. It could take many years.
God bless you as you find your way.
Your daughter is very ill with addictive disease and she may be unable to stop using for some time to come. I would not place on hold any decisions about the child.
While your daughter certainly has trauma involving the death of her boyfriend, today addiction is her primary medical issue. If she is unwilling to enter treatment, the best you can do is find a way to protect the child with a long-range plan--not day-to-day in anticipation of your daughter's ups and downs but long range and solid, as the child needs consistency--and step away from your daughter's life so that she experiences the full consequences of her addiction and perhaps may one day come to recovery as a result of the negative events that will certainly happen. It could take many years.
God bless you as you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh my......I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this....it is heartbreaking. Tos is a rough spot to be in. Taking care of the little one needs to be the highest of priorities, whether it is through a foster home or getting help from a few good friends. The baby needs someone....in theory.....your daughter is an adult able to care for herself.
Perhaps they could re-evaluate and put her in a short term program (30 days) before putting her into a longer term IOP.
You, your daughter and the little baby will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Perhaps they could re-evaluate and put her in a short term program (30 days) before putting her into a longer term IOP.
You, your daughter and the little baby will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 33
So sorry, Grammy!
Try and take care of yourself and your granddaughter. And IMO you should notify the authorities. You're right, these cases often fall through the cracks and you and your granddaughter deserve all the help you can get. And just maybe, it will lead to your daughter getting help, too.
Try and take care of yourself and your granddaughter. And IMO you should notify the authorities. You're right, these cases often fall through the cracks and you and your granddaughter deserve all the help you can get. And just maybe, it will lead to your daughter getting help, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 24
I did notify authorities today because the treatment center did not. The person I spoke with was very helpful and is concerned and looking into the situation for me. My AD did call and stopped by to visit her baby tonight. Baby was so happy to see his mommy. She seemed sober - but I have been fooled by her using this drug (hydrocodone) before. She also said she has arranged to start her out patient treatment the 25th. I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. It's so very hard when as a mother all you really want to do is help your child.
I realize that she's on her own with this.
I thank all of you for your kind words and prayers. Only someone that loves an addict could truly understand.
I realize that she's on her own with this.
I thank all of you for your kind words and prayers. Only someone that loves an addict could truly understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Should drug testing be necessary for her involvement with the child, just to let you know it is my understanding that urine tests for opiates will NOT show OPIOID use, such as hydrocodone. The test that will show oxycontin, for example--which is an opiate-- will not show hydrocodone--which is an opioid.
And yes, you pretty much cannot tell when she is on either.
If I were protecting the child, I would ask for not only a urine draw as a requirement for supervised visitation (which, alas, she can tamper with, or since it would be scheduled ahead of time, she can even drink a ton of water to dilute enough), I would ask for a required hair test every month that will unmistakably show whether she has used in the previous 30 days and what.
I would never take her word for anything about drug use and never leave the child alone with her until a year of monthly hair testing has shown her clean, consistently.
Such is the consequence for a mother on drugs. Stay strong.
And yes, you pretty much cannot tell when she is on either.
If I were protecting the child, I would ask for not only a urine draw as a requirement for supervised visitation (which, alas, she can tamper with, or since it would be scheduled ahead of time, she can even drink a ton of water to dilute enough), I would ask for a required hair test every month that will unmistakably show whether she has used in the previous 30 days and what.
I would never take her word for anything about drug use and never leave the child alone with her until a year of monthly hair testing has shown her clean, consistently.
Such is the consequence for a mother on drugs. Stay strong.
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