DJ0822

Brief recap - 23-y/o son spent 20days IP rehab in May for pot, oxy and heroin. Got detoxes and committed to sober. Came back home, does AA meetings about 2-3 x week (as many as he can w work schedule and daughter custody schedule). Has a sponsor and seems to be working his recovery well. Landed a warehouse job (about 50+ hours per week) within 2 weeks of coming home. Seems to be on right track. We have had 1 major blowup between us since sober, when I suspected relapse, but proof was provided that he didn't relapse to drugs or alcohol, but snuck out with one of those people he'd sworn off - no more old "people, places or things.". Sincerely apologized for not only making that bad choice (selfish, just wanted to accept invite for swimming w old friends after a long, hot day of heavy lifting) instead of AA meeting that night. Askers for forgiveness from me and admitted he's still trying to be a better man, and that he just blew it that night. Swears he did not use or drink. Did drug test next day in front of my husband (AS stepfather) to prove all clean.

Sounds like I'm pleading his case - maybe I am.

AS and stepfather have had up and down relationship for past 12 years. They are either great golfing buddies or at each other throats (verbally) over disagreements. Both can be hot heads(I am not) and I cringe every time there is dissension and yelling. When AS was actively using, I backed my husband up 100% re any trust/lying issues. In fact, as bio mom, I'm the one who kicked AS son out on Easter Sunday when he admitted he was selling heroin in addition to snorting it himself. Despite his pleas and explanations, I did not back down - call me when ready for ride to rehab. Otherwise, stay away. Took about a month for him to admit he was ready for rehab.

Recently, AS is going through depression (I learned that is to be expected) and is leaning heavily on sponsor, doing as many meetings as he can, and talking my ear off about things. I truly believe this my son , not AS, that I am listening to. He is mostly just getting things off his chest, tells me I've always been there for him, considers me his best friend on going down this path with him. We are always so afraid to admit @i think he is doing okay," because of past lies and our inability to recognize his getting one over on me (from past), that I'm very cautious about proclaiming it's all over, he's getting better, etc., BC I'm certain this is a lifelong problem and AS is very early.

But I do feel hopeful. He has given me reason to be hopeful.

My husband has been verbally and emotionally supportive of AS's progress, but still is impatient with AS's complaints about some normal stuff in life. Example- AS complains he's hot, dirty, tired after 10 hour day in warehouse lifting 100lb boxes. My response - yeah, that's pretty gross. Go take a shower and you'll feel new again. He usually does, eats dinner then goes to meeting, returning home in a happier place. My husband's response - nothing.

Them, when AS called in sick to work 2 days this week, my hubby read him the riot act. "if Your mother and I get up and go to work everyday, so do you. You have resonsibilities, you owe us money, you pay no rent here, You are the one who played your way through college so you end up with this dead end job, etc.,etc. not in all one sentence, but throughout the argument. I try to interject - without much luck - that the issue is AS was wrong to call in sick to a new job, hasta toughen up., etc., can't afford to give in, etc. AS agrees he made wrong choice. But I remind both hubby and AS that if he loses his job as a result and/or has too short a paycheck to pay his bills, we are not helping w our money. His choice to call in sick=his problem. Hubby says "this is my house, and if I don't like what's going on in here, I can say so no matter who gets feelings hurt."

End result is I tell hubby I think he's wrong to blow up AS's past indiscretions as bullets in this argument, I tell son that he made bad choice which will affect him personally and I won't bale him out. Back when AS was discharged from rehab, hubby and I discussed and agreed on payin car insurance so it wouldn't lapse and to give him some cash for gas, cigs, etc cuz he wasn't due a paycheck for about 2 weeks. It isn't right to then turn around and throw that back in AS face just because hubby is angry. Agreement was made that AS would catch up on necessary bills with paychecks then start to payback what he owes us. I don't think son has spent $ recklessly. Seems he's doing best he can under these circumstances, given he's only had 3 paychecks since rehab and had lots of past due student loans, car payments, and every week expense of diapers, wipes, formula ,etc which he has taken back 100%.

I sound like I'm protecting my little boy, I know. But I feel like he is doing a lot of good, ESP staying sober, and I don't want to act like that accomplishment goes unnoticed for how difficult it is. I am proud of him, I tell him so, but when he screws up (like missing work), I tell him I think he made a bad decision, but the consequence is his to bear.

Hubby, however, is very angry about past and sounds like he just let loose this past week in the argument. Said he feels like he's been walking on eggs since rehab ended (cuz of things like son not cleaning up snack mess, forgetting to bring trash cans from driveway, that kinda thing. Says he's been biting his tongue, but he can't live this way. I understand he's frustrated with some of the stuff that son does/doesn't do, but I am able to talk to my son about those mistakes for him to fix, and it doesn't have to turn into a screaming match. Hubby can't do that.

I dragged hubby to 2 NARANON meetings, but then he tells me, he really doesn't get anything from them, so if I really, really want to go, he will take me, but he isn't interested. I have asked him to do some reading about addiction and it's effect on families, and he read the part about "I didn't cause it, cure it, can't control it" which is about how much he got outta his reading.

I am angry with hubby for tearing down son's achievements so far with belittling comments, and I can't stand by and watch its impact. Now, son tearfully tells me he'll never feel welcome in this house, he has to figure out a way to live away from here, somehow, (on $10/hour), with 50% custody of year-old daughter. I'm angry with son about calling in sick, but he knows consequences are his. Son says he won't forget the hurt that hubby threw at him (obviously a lot if pent up anger), but he readily admits himself to having been a "f*** up" when using, he's still growing/learning, and still committed to sobriety. How much more can I ask of him?

Hubby and son are now just barely speaking bare minimum. I'm so angry w hubby but he doesn't see my point, tells me he can't keep quiet, so I told him I guess son and I will hafts go somewhere else. I know he doesn't think I'm serious, but I am all tangled up in confusion and Emotion.

pinkdog

Calling in sick is not good progress. You need to express disapproval about it. God bless you for your caring heart. Your husband sounds like a saint to me.

BlueSkies1

Suggestion--that you sit down with your son and explain to him a couple simple things. One is that your hubby is not in a program, and that your son should realize that hubby is not making progress on dealing with his anger, and that son should not take it personally that his stepfather is no expert at working through past issues. If your son can take his SF's words with a grain of salt, understanding that his SF has anger issues he hasn't worked on himself, then your son can detach from his SF's anger. I think it is crucial that your son understand that his SF's skills in working through his anger issues are his alone, and not a reflection of your son. This way he won't take it personally. So there will be a little more walking on eggshells in the house--that being that your husband is not always right in how he deals with his anger.
If your son and you both come to the conclusion that you have to let your H vent, detach and not take it personally, then you and your son have created an understanding about that.
When hubby gets all hot around the collar and it could be very destructive to your son, sneak a look to your son--that look that says "here he goes" and "let's let him vent"...your husband is also a person with feelings and his reactions are not always perfect either. An understanding between yourself and your son that his stepfather can over-react or be destructive will bring it back down to earth and acceptance that we all are human and imperfect.

kmangel

My husband and I had our RAS live with us for 7 months. In our situation, he was not pulling his fair share--not working and the like. Your son seems to at least be working.

Have you considered counseling for you and your husband? Your husband would be able to express his feelings with an unbiased person and perhaps not so much to your son. It is important to get the feelings out but in constructive ways.

I remember the stress having our son underfoot those 7 months put on both my husband and me, both in our work and in our home. Though we didn't have any blowups between us, there was friction. My husband picked smoking back up. I was more short at work. I know it was the added stress of our son living at home that affected us adversely. When our son moved out our lives returned to the place it was before our son moved back in with us.

My suggestion is to start moving in the direction of your son living on his own. It's really not in the best interest of us as parents to be in the minute details of our adult children's lives, whether they are recovering addicts or not. I don't know whether my son goes to work each day or not or anything else he does. I only know if he chooses to talk to me about his life. I'm glad I don't know! The less I know the better in my opinion!

Kindeyes

Oh my...this is all so familiar. My son is the addict. My husband is his stepfather but raised him from the age of three. I was always the conduit between my husband and son. Triangulation.....it's unhealthy for all three parties. The relationship between my son and my husband belongs to them. It is not my job to police it, control it, or orchestrate it.

I eventually realized that I was coming dangerously close to losing ALL of the healthy people in my life in exchange for the unhealthy relationship between me and my son. It felt unfair. I shouldn't have to choose. Everyone should see and understand how much I love them all. Right? I'm the all powerful glue that holds the family unit together. Right? Without me orchestrating my son's efforts at recovery and my husband's interactions with him, the battle for sobriety will be lost. I can't let that happen. I am responsible.

I just let you into my brain and my life. Take a look around. Does it look familiar? If not, that's ok. Stop here and move to the next post. If so, read on.

It look losing my grandson before I said enough is enough. I am NOT willing to lose all of the healthy relationships in my life in exchange for one....my son. I live with my husband. He is my life partner. My son is not. My son is an adult and my job is to support him if he chooses sobriety by "being" supportive not "doing" for him what he is fully capable of doing for himself. My son is a man. He should be given the dignity of making his own choices and working his own program. Making his own mistakes and learning from them without my overbearing play-by-play like the commentator of a football game.

I will never again put my dear husband in the uncomfortable position of living with my son. The strain on our relationship was unbelievable. If made to choose between my son and my husband, I choose my husband. I am not married to my son. His sobriety does not depend upon me--it depends upon him. He is not my little boy. He is a man. He is a man who fathered a child. And treating him as anything less than that is an indignity that I will never place upon him again.

There are Oxford houses, sober living environments, that will allow my son the dignity of getting his life on track if/when he chooses to do so. He has a higher power.......and I'm not it. But I thought I was for a very long time......and it crippled him. I own that.

This is my story......take what you need and discard the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Interesting!! I was completely agreeing with you then my thinking shifted to triangulation, and how it's their relationship and you should try and stay out of it.

My husband is the addict in my life and is in early recovery. I shared your story with him for several reasons.

At first, he was saying things like - the kid's is in recovery, that's a tough job to when you don't feel good and no one in early recovery feels good, give the kid a break. etc

Then suddenly his thoughts shifted. He said he is not a kid, he is a man and he should have his own place. It's his parents house, their rules or he needs to be out on his own. He said he understands your fears and concerns about your sons recovery but it's all up to him and nothing you can do.

I hope things work out for all of you. This post opened a great dialog for me and my husband because of the situation we are in with our son as well. I feel the need to share some healthy ESH about parenting with him because we both can be big enablers and as I learn, I want him on the same page. Not too codependent, lol....but it can be very hard to co-parent when we are not on the same page. I hope your husband reconsiders and starts going to some Naranon meetings with you.

Learn2Live

Your son is 23, a GROWN MAN. It sounds like you are trying to manage his life for him in the hopes that your doing so will keep him clean and sober. You are ready to move out and leave your spouse and marriage to continue to enable a 23 yr old? I'm not judging you but that sounds like an awful lot to sacrifice for someone else's recovery. I am not a parent so I cannot know how it feels to have a child with these problems. I hope some of the other moms here will have good ESH to share with you. No, I don't think it is a good idea for anyone to yell and scream at anyone seeking recovery but AS is not meeting your and husband's expectations. Son wants, as a grown man, to call his own shots but you are not ready to let go. I think you should let this man decide what is best for him and you to work on your own life and your own marriage. (((hugs))) I hope you keep going to NarAnon and can actively work on detachment soon.

DJ0822

Thank you, everyone, for your insight. I really needed to hear what has been said. Why does some stuff only seem valid when you hear it from others?!?!! Wonder why even when I am thinking the same thing as you guys wrote to me, I'm only cCONVINCED after others validate it for me. Guess Dr Phil could have a field day with me. I made an appt w my psychologist to work on me. I see him on and off, but it's probably time to make a standing appointment.

DJ0822

Thank you, everyone, for your insight. I really needed to hear what has been said. Why does some stuff only seem valid when you hear it from others?!?!! Wonder why even when I am thinking the same thing as you guys wrote to me, I'm only cCONVINCED after others validate it for me. Guess Dr Phil could have a field day with me. I made an appt w my psychologist to work on me. I see him on and off, but it's probably time to make a standing appointment.

Learn2Live

I want to point out something else for you. My AXBF is an addict and an alcoholic. We are both in our mid to late 40s. One thing I have noticed trying to be in a relationship with this man the last couple of years is that he seemed to spend so much of his time looking to me for direction in how to live his life, what to do and not do to please and/or placate me. His own internal compass is focused on having fun, even when that means neglecting his own self-care and healthy parenting of his minor children. He put all of the responsibility for the relationship on me. His practical contributions were minimal.

My point? He was somewhat crippled, emotionally and in maturity. Always looking to others to direct him. Relied on his children to dictate his decisions and his actions. Could not even make an adult decision on what we would do during visitation weekends until he saw his children's reactions to what we thought we might do. It's grossly dysfunctional.

Your son needs to grow. Your son needs to find or fix his own internal compass. And as long as you are there, trying to lovingly guide him and support him, he is never going to trust himself or his own judgment and be able to make healthy decisions for himself.

I think you are trying to remove a natural part of one's growth from your son's struggle, that is, financial responsibility and self-determination. Although admirable (I myself have been doing this to XBF for years now, it is crippling. Because it is enabling.

I hope something I have said is helpful to you.

outtolunch

Why angry? Cause he's not behaving the way you expect him to do?

If he loses his job what consequences will he experience?

Jody675

you know L2L i felt the same about my exAbf. he had no idea about to be in a normal relationship, so i spent a lot of time telling him what i would accept as treatment in our relationship when he did things to annoy me. it was like dating a kid. and as you pointed out about your husband, he too was just interested about having fun. well i wasn't that much fun, well not the way he wanted it. and when we broke up, apparently he was now happy for he didn't have to try and live up to my expectations. like i was forcing him to conform. i think you are definitely correct when you say that addicts become crippled when it comes to maturity development, and they can't start to grow again until they stop their addiction.

DJ i think the biggest lesson i have learned in life is that you can not control, guide, help someone who does really want to help themselves. you can only tell them what you are willing to do, and the rest is up to them. even if that means watching them fall flat on their face, in a pile of dog poo. it might be the biggest gift you give him.

allthatsgood

My AS was in rehab January and February of this year. He came back home in March and within a couple of weeks he had relapsed. Living back at home was not a good thing for him or for my husband and I. We both became parole officers watching every move he made. It was very stressful having him back in the house. I was totally exhausted from lack of sleep. Don't know how I made it through work each day. Anyway, when we found out about his relapse in late March, we gave him a choice - back to rehab or find some other place to live. He made the choice to go back to rehab but a different one than where he had been. The rehab he went to had several different SL houses that he could go to. When we picked him up in May, we brought him straight to this SLE. I can't begin to tell you what a difference it has made in all of our lives. My son seems very committed to his recovery and is working hard on it. He seems much happier and looks healthy. My husband and I have found a little peace too. We are not worrying about him every minute of the day. We speak with our son several times a week and try to get together with him once a week, to share a meal or go to a movie. Everyone has to find the right balance for themselves but I think going to a SLE was the best thing for son and for me. It has given me hope and I pray everyday that he stays true to himself and his recovery. I wish you and you family all the best because I know how difficult all of this must be for you. You are in my prayers.

Learn2Live

Ditto here, was in a relationship with a toddler who sometimes had the maturity of a 13-year old. It is exhausting and very unsatisfying.