hopeful21

Recently I've been struggling with whether or not to separate from my AH, who is in denial with his pill addiciton...

and when I say denial, I mean he has never ever admitted to any problem, won't even address prescriptions without an angry argument, lies about prescriptions, money, dr. appointments etc. to the point where I can't even talk about it or confront him with the lies I know about...

Lately, this whole situation seems more calm which makes my second guessing and confusion worse, if that makes any sense.

I'm currently at a point where I know, inevitably, I will need to detach and walk away, but I'm not ready yet. I know that time will reveal more. I know this is codependent and sounds crazy, but it's where I am.

I could go on an on about his phone calls to various doctors, types of pills I know that he has on hand, (and others that I suspect he is hiding at work), behaviors that I am seeing that I "think" are part of the w/d cycle..but the fact is I know that all of that "detective work" is making me crazy. There was a point where I felt I was over this part. However, because things have calmed down a bit, I now find myself falling BACK into doing this to justify SOMETHING?

Here on SR and at Nar Anon meetings, I'm also feeling alone with my story. It seems that not many people discuss dealing with a loved one in such denial...this makes me worry too! It feels like others' addicts are in some way open about how they use, or they are in some stage of recovery (successful or not), relapse, or at least talking abouit the addiction in some way!

Are there words of advice or experiences out there on coping with this type of situation or living with an addict this way?

Learn2Live

Have you investigated your self and your own need for Recovery? Have you gone to Al-Anon? Are you aware of your own denial?

LoveMeNow

Oh you are not alone. Your story is very common here. There are many stories on SR with spouses in denial - both the addict and the codie/enabler. I was one! (Supportforme has a great a thread sharing her experience as well.)

I can't say for sure if my husband was in denial (he's say yes and no) but I can say for sure he was an addict. He was addicted to pain pills too and he was unwilling to seek help. Time and time again, he convinced me he was no longer taking them. I was in serious denial and extremely codependent.

When the Titanic went down (it always does eventually) I went right down with it. I thought it was HIS problem and had no idea how unhealthy I was. I never even considered going to any meetings.

I can share this from my own experience...if I was in doubt, he was still using them. Trust your instincts and don't allow anyone to confuse your own feelings. If he is truly in recovery, there will be no doubt.

P.S. You can not make him quit, you can not make him seek hlep and tapering does not work. Its just more manipulation by the addict.

Please keep posting and reading. It really does help!!

interrupted

You're not alone with your story. In my case both my sister and my mom appear to be in complete denial about weed, and my sister has never once even said the word (or any slang reference thereof) "heroin" to me. They actually believe that marijuana helps my sister. When she was able to kick H for a little while after treatment, my mom said that marijuana was good therapy, that it was helping my sister stay off drugs (?!), so she encouraged using it from morning until night. I sat in my mom's living room at Christmas while my sister took hit after hit, seemingly at least once every five minutes, for the entire duration of my visit.

Weirdest. Christmas. Ever.

I know that sounds insane. It actually gets a little weirder but I'm afraid to put some stuff online. It's like they're living in some surreal alternative reality.

Also, they must be incorrect, because she's back on the heroin. Go figure. I doubt any lesson has been learned.

Farfalla

How about redirecting that energy into yourself and your recovery. Alanon, Naranon,
F2F meetings, sponsor, posting, reading, etc. You are not alone in your story. I was and I am there but now the focus is on me and my children. His recovery, or lack of it, his issue. My recovery, my issue, my business, my hula hoop.

"Don't put the key to YOUR happiness in someone else's pocket."

SadHeart

I had an ex who wouldn't admit it for years and years, about 20 years--and then he did. It took 20 years of people telling him he was an alcoholic (perhaps 20,000 instances) before he considered it.

I have a son who is also in denial (altho he went through one two month period when he admitted it, made a huge drama filled production of smashing his bong, etc...).

I have a mother who will probably deny until her death that she is an undermining, dangerous enabler/codependent who made the lives of her family much worse than they had to be because she couldn't/wouldn't admit she had a problem. (She could do so much good and cause so much healing if she'd only be honest and admit her fault and role in the family dysfunction but she never will). She'll die before she admits it, and will cheat herself and the rest of us peace and healing for her ego.

My father killed himself drinking because it was unthinkable someone as superior as him could have such a weak problem as addiction.

I denied my codependency for years too, feeling, but twisting it into being something else because my ego couldn't stand the truth. He killed himself in a DUI.

Work on your denial. When that is resolved the other relationships with dysfunctional people have to change. Some wake up after being told 20,000 that they have a problem, some never do. But if you deal with your denial of the full extent of the problem, you can live easier with their denial--or without them at all.

gunshy

I feel for you! Thought I'm not married my bf and I have been together almost four years...the past one with his addiction. Currently its pills again. I totally get the denial thing! How frustrating! It makes me feel so powerless and hurt and I'm boggled by his unwillingness for change. I just want to slap him and say hey! If you were sober, eventually you could see the light in living life without being in a haze and you could see the love everyone has and the support we could offer! I've learned the past few days though, that I need to look at my life and my mental state towards this relationship. I need to list the things that are CURRENTLY going well for him and I. And there aren't many. Lies create a massive gap between us. I hate living this way, paranoid and not knowing what to expect. So if the relationship is causing this much grief, how could parting from him be much harder? Is being physically seperate from him much different than being emotionally seperated with him but in the same room? I'm just venting my new feelings towards this. I hate that doctor BS. Its another things addicts can abuse: the medicine industry and the healthcare providers. I hope you figure this out. I'm sure its harder when your married, but just know that I do the feeling. Mines the same way. Hugs!

Kindeyes

Your story is much more common that you think.

For me, it was very difficult to clear my head while living with my XAH. I didn't seek help other than from a therapist and it did help but I truly needed much more. I was young and didn't know where to get it. Although addiction was the crux of our problems, I was in my own state of denial. I wish that I had found the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon 30 years ago. But I didn't.......and I have them now.

I eventually divorced XAH. I don't regret that decision. It was the right one for me. Here we are, 30 years later and my XAH is still entrenched in his addiction, uses with our addicted son, and does very strange things. Long term addiction has taken a toll on his life but he still thinks that it is everyone and everything elses fault. I cannot control any of it and wouldn't even want to try.

I am blessed with a wonderful husband whom I have been married to for 27 years. He is my partner.....both in my personal and professional life. Without the experiences I went through with my XAH, the experiences that followed would never have occurred. Therefore, I am grateful for where I am today.

So.....I deal with me.....and sometimes I do it well.....and sometimes I don't. And it's a full time job.

I don't know if any of that makes sense to you but maybe there's a morsel in there that you can garner some strength from. You are on your journey and, hopefully, you will make the decisions and choices in your life that are best for you. Time always reveals more.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Hopeful21 - not to be rude or blunt.....but your sex life is going to plummet as well. Sex, for me, the intimacy of it, is a big part of a relationship. I had such an empty feeling inside and had no idea why. I didn't know the pills decreased his sex drive and I took it very personally. I never thought it was another woman, I didn't feel unattractive but over time it too took its toll on my self esteem.

Just sharing...

hopeful21

Yes - this makes perfect sense. Right now, I know I'm at a place where I need to do a better job of focusing on me - and acutally get the focus back on me! This has been challenging! Hopefully, separating from AH will be a step I can take. I know I need to do it, I'm just not there yet. (Working on step 2 I think )
KE, thank you so much for your helpful posts.

LoveMeNow

Step 1 has about 60 something questions to answer! Have you done those yet and gone over them with a sponsor?

hopeful21

I guess I didn't mean that "formally."

It's taken a lot of learning on my part since my story began, but I've accepted that i'm powerless over my addict (I know I didn't cause it, can't change it, or control it!!) etc.

So now it seems I'm working on letting go, its out of my hands, I need to just work on myself...this is proving to be VERY challenging.

maybe I'm missing something lol! I've only been to two Nar Anon meetings and there are no questions to answer, just sharing stories about topics each week.