please, just let me share
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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please, just let me share
it has been 16 weeks since i last spoke to my xabf...
no contact has been tough, im just glad that i really dont have the urge to call me, mainly because i really dont know what to say and just thinking about it makes my heart heavy. he calls randomly but i never returned his calls.
i remember the days when we used to call each other almost every chance we get, i am not working so i have the luxury of time. in his case, he works for his dad and when its really not busy he calls me. we used to have breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner and midnight snacks together.
please dont tell me not to dwell on the past, i know i shouldnt, but its just really painful for me to think of how our relationship ended.
you see, me and my xabf never really had bad times, if we do, its only during those times that he is high...and i say bad times because during those times, all he does was walk around his house for 2-3 days, not saying much. it breaks my heart to see him numbing himself instead of playing golf, tennis, watching movies or doing stuffs that we like in common.
i know i mentioned this in my previous post, that my xabf after coming down from a month's binge and was with him 20 days of that month, he just decided to end it and be with someone else. a recovering addict, an alcoholic with a son who smokes weed everyday....i just dont get it....
i tried to let go, move on...in the last 3 months i enrolled myself in a nursing assistant program which i passed (thank God) and will soon enrol on the next nursing program. i go out with friends, family to entertain myself...but there are days when i wake up at night after dreaming about us...there are days that i wake up crying.
i have all the whys and most of you have shared your experience...and i may just be repeating myself...but i really just miss him...
for some reason, i am thinking now he is happy with this girl for they can do the things that they both enjoy - drinking and probably cocaine, they do smoke weed and shrooms...
thank you for letting me share, i just dont know what to do anymore.
thanks everyone for taking the time to read.
no contact has been tough, im just glad that i really dont have the urge to call me, mainly because i really dont know what to say and just thinking about it makes my heart heavy. he calls randomly but i never returned his calls.
i remember the days when we used to call each other almost every chance we get, i am not working so i have the luxury of time. in his case, he works for his dad and when its really not busy he calls me. we used to have breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner and midnight snacks together.
please dont tell me not to dwell on the past, i know i shouldnt, but its just really painful for me to think of how our relationship ended.
you see, me and my xabf never really had bad times, if we do, its only during those times that he is high...and i say bad times because during those times, all he does was walk around his house for 2-3 days, not saying much. it breaks my heart to see him numbing himself instead of playing golf, tennis, watching movies or doing stuffs that we like in common.
i know i mentioned this in my previous post, that my xabf after coming down from a month's binge and was with him 20 days of that month, he just decided to end it and be with someone else. a recovering addict, an alcoholic with a son who smokes weed everyday....i just dont get it....
i tried to let go, move on...in the last 3 months i enrolled myself in a nursing assistant program which i passed (thank God) and will soon enrol on the next nursing program. i go out with friends, family to entertain myself...but there are days when i wake up at night after dreaming about us...there are days that i wake up crying.
i have all the whys and most of you have shared your experience...and i may just be repeating myself...but i really just miss him...
for some reason, i am thinking now he is happy with this girl for they can do the things that they both enjoy - drinking and probably cocaine, they do smoke weed and shrooms...
thank you for letting me share, i just dont know what to do anymore.
thanks everyone for taking the time to read.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Anywhere USA
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Hi MrsBrownie. I love your name, it makes me hungry. First let me say I know exactly how you feel. There will be times when you will miss him, wish for the "good times" afterall if they were all bad, this would be easy and there wouldn't be a need for this website.
Thoughts come and go at the strangest times. Like today, I was in Wal Mart grocery shopping this guy and girl where shopping and I overheard him say to her I think that's everything we need baby. That went through me like a knife. See my guy used to call me baby and one thing we talked about doing together was grocery shopping. That may sound silly, to talk about grocery shopping as something special, but it meant so much more. See, he's never really had a "normal" life. Ordinary things we take for granted are things he has never experienced. Oh I know he's been to a grocery store, it's the doing things as a family, being with someone, sharing even the ordinary things that make life so special, and so hard to let go of when they don't happen.
I also know how it feels when they are with someone else. My situation is different but if it helps at all, he is not happy. He may have found someone he can do drugs with, but that does not mean they are a happy couple. It's just easier to be with someone who uses. No need to sneak, hide, lie, no fights with you, or having to see the saddness and disappointment in your eyes.
Congrats on the NA schooling! You go girl! Life is 99% attitude! So hold your head up high, keep pursuing your education and never forget he is the one who is losing!
Thoughts come and go at the strangest times. Like today, I was in Wal Mart grocery shopping this guy and girl where shopping and I overheard him say to her I think that's everything we need baby. That went through me like a knife. See my guy used to call me baby and one thing we talked about doing together was grocery shopping. That may sound silly, to talk about grocery shopping as something special, but it meant so much more. See, he's never really had a "normal" life. Ordinary things we take for granted are things he has never experienced. Oh I know he's been to a grocery store, it's the doing things as a family, being with someone, sharing even the ordinary things that make life so special, and so hard to let go of when they don't happen.
I also know how it feels when they are with someone else. My situation is different but if it helps at all, he is not happy. He may have found someone he can do drugs with, but that does not mean they are a happy couple. It's just easier to be with someone who uses. No need to sneak, hide, lie, no fights with you, or having to see the saddness and disappointment in your eyes.
Congrats on the NA schooling! You go girl! Life is 99% attitude! So hold your head up high, keep pursuing your education and never forget he is the one who is losing!
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thank you thislittlelight...
yeah, we had a lot of those too...going to target, getting ice cream, making pbj sandwiches, getting coffee, reading newspaper...little things...
you know in my heart of hearts, while everyone calls him a loser, i cant even say bad things to him (like in a curse way)...
although i must admit that when people say that he is not happy, it gives me a little bit of pleasure.
i know that things like this in relationships happen to everyone...its just so hard this couple of days.
thanks for sharing
yeah, we had a lot of those too...going to target, getting ice cream, making pbj sandwiches, getting coffee, reading newspaper...little things...
you know in my heart of hearts, while everyone calls him a loser, i cant even say bad things to him (like in a curse way)...
although i must admit that when people say that he is not happy, it gives me a little bit of pleasure.
i know that things like this in relationships happen to everyone...its just so hard this couple of days.
thanks for sharing
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hi anvilhead, thanks for being brutal and i meant it in a good way...i really wish i can see it the way you see it so i dont have to feel this way...all my friends have the same reaction as you...but for some reason i dont see it that way...i know...i am still in denial... you told me once in my other threads that he is a loser....i really wish i could take that to heart...so i can finally move on.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
AWWWWWW Msbrownie, I understand you grief. I have a lot of it too, everyday. I just keep trying to walk through this muck.
It takes time, everything takes time, once the dust settle. I miss my xabf too..
I don't miss the crap, and the lies, and the twisting of things, but I miss him.
Some days I wonder if I ever won't miss him. And like you, I am just moving forward each day, with this ache, and doing the next right thing.
I totally relate to what you are saying. Congrats on the Nursing program, that must have felt good.
Keep taking care of yourself and coming here.
much love to you Katie
It takes time, everything takes time, once the dust settle. I miss my xabf too..
I don't miss the crap, and the lies, and the twisting of things, but I miss him.
Some days I wonder if I ever won't miss him. And like you, I am just moving forward each day, with this ache, and doing the next right thing.
I totally relate to what you are saying. Congrats on the Nursing program, that must have felt good.
Keep taking care of yourself and coming here.
much love to you Katie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Understanding and accepting who this person REALLY is, not just focusing on who you want him to be, will help you to get past the pain. This is something you need to do for yourself because you can drag this out for the rest of your life. Also, knowing about who he is with and what he is doing, is not helping you. In the Present, the person you loved DOES NOT EXIST. You did not cause him to be the loving, kind, giving person that you saw. He was that because of who he is. Just because he is with some other woman does not mean he will be the same as he was with you. Because just as you did not cause him to be loving, neither can she. Practicing addicts and alcoholics are the most selfish, self-absorbed a$$holes I have ever known. The less you know about him, and her, the better off you will be. The more you investigate yourself and why you were with this person to begin with, the more you clean up YOUR side of the street, the better you will feel. You have much work to do.
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now he is happy with this girl for they can do the things that they both enjoy - drinking and probably cocaine, they do smoke weed and shrooms...
I suspect you dont really miss him. You might just miss the idea of having someone with you... the company and that last person happens to be him.
i just dont know what to do anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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the detaching part...and moving forward, it's a powerful but delicate process. it contains both freedom and melancholy...and it slowly but surely gets better.
I allow a little space for the gentle part of me to feel some of the inherent sorrow while the strong part of me (which continues to strengthen thru daily practice) will protect my boundaries, I can trust myself to do that now, to protect myself.
my therapist helps me with disentangling my heart from the ex. what she tells me is to remember to hang on the the good parts of me that loved the best parts of him. a big part of our love for other people can be, in part, the projection of the best parts of ourselves into the middle, the in between of two people. what was between my ex and I was some good stuff too. the addiction and codependency did not allow it to thrive, to sustain, to survive. but some of what was there was real, I know the parts of it that were real for me...before I discovered the deception, denial, addiction...were parts of me that had hopes, expectations, dreams, joy, excitement, laughter, sensuality, curiosity etc etc etc.
there are parts of me that I brought to that relationship that I will not throw away because of the fact that it didn't work, that it couldn't work...I want to honor my faith and perseverance and belief in recovery and playfulness...etc etc etc
it is tragically sad that we human beings suffer from such dysfunctional relationships that involve such horrible addiction and codependency. it's kind of just is what it is...it is a part of this world unfortunately. some of us just finally have to make hard reality based decisions...with A LOT of help from a recovering community... that we no longer want to be part of something so unhealthy. yes?
but we can hang on to the parts of ourselves that can and should be healthy when shared with another functioning human being, and that is what I want...another functioning human being so that all those good parts might have the chance to not only survive or sustain... but to thrive. and in order to maybe have a chance of finding that in life one has to make the journey forward away from the sorrow and destruction of the past.
just keep remembering that it gets better. sometimes just sharing and processing helps...admitting you're in pain sometimes helps to dispel it. in community we help to share each others burden, sometimes just by acknowledging it. peace to you.
I allow a little space for the gentle part of me to feel some of the inherent sorrow while the strong part of me (which continues to strengthen thru daily practice) will protect my boundaries, I can trust myself to do that now, to protect myself.
my therapist helps me with disentangling my heart from the ex. what she tells me is to remember to hang on the the good parts of me that loved the best parts of him. a big part of our love for other people can be, in part, the projection of the best parts of ourselves into the middle, the in between of two people. what was between my ex and I was some good stuff too. the addiction and codependency did not allow it to thrive, to sustain, to survive. but some of what was there was real, I know the parts of it that were real for me...before I discovered the deception, denial, addiction...were parts of me that had hopes, expectations, dreams, joy, excitement, laughter, sensuality, curiosity etc etc etc.
there are parts of me that I brought to that relationship that I will not throw away because of the fact that it didn't work, that it couldn't work...I want to honor my faith and perseverance and belief in recovery and playfulness...etc etc etc
it is tragically sad that we human beings suffer from such dysfunctional relationships that involve such horrible addiction and codependency. it's kind of just is what it is...it is a part of this world unfortunately. some of us just finally have to make hard reality based decisions...with A LOT of help from a recovering community... that we no longer want to be part of something so unhealthy. yes?
but we can hang on to the parts of ourselves that can and should be healthy when shared with another functioning human being, and that is what I want...another functioning human being so that all those good parts might have the chance to not only survive or sustain... but to thrive. and in order to maybe have a chance of finding that in life one has to make the journey forward away from the sorrow and destruction of the past.
just keep remembering that it gets better. sometimes just sharing and processing helps...admitting you're in pain sometimes helps to dispel it. in community we help to share each others burden, sometimes just by acknowledging it. peace to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Hi Mrsbrownie, I can relate a bit, I recently heard my (separated) AH Was hanging out with and had given a "cute girl" from AA a ride to meetings a couple times, and my mind instantly went to thoughts of how she probably understands him better and can be there when I can't, it was like a punch in the gut. He swears it was just a ride and I do believe him, as much as I can believe anything he says at the moment, but it changed something in me, I went from being pissed to scared of actually losing him. Jealously is really a #&@$!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Mrsbrownie, I had a fiance long ago who had been a recovering crack addict but had stopped working a program by the time we met. I thought "recovering crack addict, 5 years clean," meant "strong." I was so naive. I knew nothing about addiction or recovery.
I found out as time progressed that this person was negative, complaining, blaming, finger-pointing, miserable, pessimistic, and he proclaimed constantly that there was a black cloud following him wherever he went. Needless to say, the relationship went south, tragically. I nearly lost my life in it. I sought recovery and have been working on many aspects of myself and my life ever since.
Now, 15 years later, I have seen him in person, talked to his family, and been friends with him on Facebook (not sure why but eventually I did unfriend him). And do you know, he is EXACTLY the way he was when I finally broke free from him? He is still moving every couple of years from basement apartment to basement apartment, miserable, pessimistic, complaining, etc. AND he complains of how his last girlfriend did him wrong. He CHOSE her because she is just like him, a practicing drug addict. He got what he asked for. My point? Look at the guy who took over the man you fell in love with. THAT is who he is and will continue to be.
The chance that he seeks Recovery and sticks with it, changes his entire life, and works diligently day after day to change himself and the way he thinks, is just not promising. Relapse rates for folks who do these drugs are very high. And even when they are successful for long periods, one drink or one smoke can send them spinning, spiraling out of control. It is not a pretty picture.
Like attracts like. So if you want a loving, healthy, self-reflective man, you must grow yourself into a loving, healthy, self-reflective woman.
I found out as time progressed that this person was negative, complaining, blaming, finger-pointing, miserable, pessimistic, and he proclaimed constantly that there was a black cloud following him wherever he went. Needless to say, the relationship went south, tragically. I nearly lost my life in it. I sought recovery and have been working on many aspects of myself and my life ever since.
Now, 15 years later, I have seen him in person, talked to his family, and been friends with him on Facebook (not sure why but eventually I did unfriend him). And do you know, he is EXACTLY the way he was when I finally broke free from him? He is still moving every couple of years from basement apartment to basement apartment, miserable, pessimistic, complaining, etc. AND he complains of how his last girlfriend did him wrong. He CHOSE her because she is just like him, a practicing drug addict. He got what he asked for. My point? Look at the guy who took over the man you fell in love with. THAT is who he is and will continue to be.
The chance that he seeks Recovery and sticks with it, changes his entire life, and works diligently day after day to change himself and the way he thinks, is just not promising. Relapse rates for folks who do these drugs are very high. And even when they are successful for long periods, one drink or one smoke can send them spinning, spiraling out of control. It is not a pretty picture.
Like attracts like. So if you want a loving, healthy, self-reflective man, you must grow yourself into a loving, healthy, self-reflective woman.
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thank you so much everyone for sharing....it made me calm down a bit...my tears just keep rolling down my eyes...it seemed like my hormones are all acting up today...
i really pray for all of us that someday we find all our happiness, if God has it in His will with all our A loved ones...because i know in my heart, that if truly they can change (i know how difficult this could be) we would all be willing to take them back.
peace and hugs to all of you.
You_Rock_
i really pray for all of us that someday we find all our happiness, if God has it in His will with all our A loved ones...because i know in my heart, that if truly they can change (i know how difficult this could be) we would all be willing to take them back.
peace and hugs to all of you.
You_Rock_
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because i know in my heart, that if truly they can change (i know how difficult this could be) we would all be willing to take them back.
Key Word here being "Self-Esteem"
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mrsbrownie, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly with a broken heart & that you are having to go through the fall-out of loving someone addicted to drugs. I know the suffering & pain that you are going through, even though with me, it is my beautiful son. My grown son is the sweetest hearted person possible but when he is drinking or using drugs, he is the extreme opposite kind of person. I call this person that has taken over my son's body, Fred. I hate Fred with all that is in me, but my son is so special & I really miss him so much. I really want my son back. It's been 17 yrs. of having to deal with Fred. Only a few times for any length of time, have I seen my real beautiful son. It has all been the most devastating & unexpected horror that I never dreamed that I would ever have to go through. I understand how much you hurt. If I could run far away & escape & change my identity & live my life free from all of this daily torment, I would have done that many times over the years. For many reasons I couldn't, now being two beautiful grandbabies whose lives are being affected now by effects of drugs.
I just wanted to say that I'm so sad that you are hurting, I do so understand your pain, but I feel that as hurt as you are, here is your chance to RUN !!!! Don't ever allow yourself to even look back. You have horrible battle wounds, but you got out alive & intact. Thank The Lord & RUN !!!!!
I just wanted to say that I'm so sad that you are hurting, I do so understand your pain, but I feel that as hurt as you are, here is your chance to RUN !!!! Don't ever allow yourself to even look back. You have horrible battle wounds, but you got out alive & intact. Thank The Lord & RUN !!!!!
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thank you so much Ninakay and for all the mothers who has A sons/daughters, if i feel this way i couldnt imagine how much more you feel being the mothers of these wonderful people (minus the A) of course, you sounded like my xabf's mom...
i have only been with my A for 8 months...but we were almost together 24/7 during those 8 months...i have seen almost everything about him (or so i thought...literally from his very talented guitar playing - he plays like alex skolnick, steve vai no kidding...from his f*rting....how he is when he's drunk dead to coke high...to his tiger woods drive...i could go on and on) ...kinda like you his mom is very happy when he sees his son (not the A one)...that is one reason too why she liked the idea of us hanging out with each other because she thinks that im a poistive influence on him..she kept thanking me over and over and over....now that he went with someone that she didnt like (only because when this girl was introduced to her, she was hella drunk and she knows that she is a heavy drinker) she told him right away that she doesnt like her...her worries porbably doubled...or even tripled...now she hardly hears from his son...unlike before she gets to see him everyday...thank you for showing some love and understanding my pain...
everyone keeps saying that i should be thankful this has happened, that we broke up and that it is a blessing disguise....friends would even say as he did me a huge favor...but i dont feel that way...i really really really miss him.
my prayers goes out to everyone in this community, especially to the mothers...hugs to all of you.
i have only been with my A for 8 months...but we were almost together 24/7 during those 8 months...i have seen almost everything about him (or so i thought...literally from his very talented guitar playing - he plays like alex skolnick, steve vai no kidding...from his f*rting....how he is when he's drunk dead to coke high...to his tiger woods drive...i could go on and on) ...kinda like you his mom is very happy when he sees his son (not the A one)...that is one reason too why she liked the idea of us hanging out with each other because she thinks that im a poistive influence on him..she kept thanking me over and over and over....now that he went with someone that she didnt like (only because when this girl was introduced to her, she was hella drunk and she knows that she is a heavy drinker) she told him right away that she doesnt like her...her worries porbably doubled...or even tripled...now she hardly hears from his son...unlike before she gets to see him everyday...thank you for showing some love and understanding my pain...
everyone keeps saying that i should be thankful this has happened, that we broke up and that it is a blessing disguise....friends would even say as he did me a huge favor...but i dont feel that way...i really really really miss him.
my prayers goes out to everyone in this community, especially to the mothers...hugs to all of you.
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