Honey, I "accidentally" found your needles
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Honey, I "accidentally" found your needles
Ugh...
Ive been trying to figure out the most honest and least confrontational way of talking to my boyfriend and explaining that I “accidentally” found needles in his duffle almost two weeks ago. Do I put in the part about how Ive been stewing over it, watching him, looking for signs of relapse? That I went in his bathroom and looked around, went through his duffle again and again just to see if they reappeared? That I checked his car, and all his drawers. That I got so upset I went on line to read ,found SR and posted to strangers feelings that I haven’t been able to share with him?
I know the bigger issue is him, and that he has relapsed. Ive accepted it. I mean there is no other reason for the needles. It may be over now, it may still be going on. Whats going on with him is whats important right now.
I know I have to take focus off me and not let him redirect it to my behavior when we talk even though I screwed up.
I feel so sad.
Ive been trying to figure out the most honest and least confrontational way of talking to my boyfriend and explaining that I “accidentally” found needles in his duffle almost two weeks ago. Do I put in the part about how Ive been stewing over it, watching him, looking for signs of relapse? That I went in his bathroom and looked around, went through his duffle again and again just to see if they reappeared? That I checked his car, and all his drawers. That I got so upset I went on line to read ,found SR and posted to strangers feelings that I haven’t been able to share with him?
I know the bigger issue is him, and that he has relapsed. Ive accepted it. I mean there is no other reason for the needles. It may be over now, it may still be going on. Whats going on with him is whats important right now.
I know I have to take focus off me and not let him redirect it to my behavior when we talk even though I screwed up.
I feel so sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Everything has been good with him. He had a short relapse of about two days at the beginning of the year, but he didnt use needles. He snorted some coke. But he told me about it while it was going on, and I felt how angry he was at himself, how disappointed. Then after the pity party for a couple days, his mood lifted and he got back on track with his therapist help.
I have watched him all this time, and I still see no signs of relapse. He seems fine except there has been some stress in his life. Things that were outside of his control, that I know did have an effect on him. But that is it.
Finding the needles was an accident, but I know when I tell him its going to sound like I had been snooping, and that I kept it to myself for this long implies I didnt trust him, and had to snoop more !
I have watched him all this time, and I still see no signs of relapse. He seems fine except there has been some stress in his life. Things that were outside of his control, that I know did have an effect on him. But that is it.
Finding the needles was an accident, but I know when I tell him its going to sound like I had been snooping, and that I kept it to myself for this long implies I didnt trust him, and had to snoop more !
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by bluejaybird 
I have watched him all this time, and I still see no signs of relapse. He seems fine except there has been some stress in his life. Things that were outside of his control, that I know did have an effect on him. But that is it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Telling him you found the needles, telling him how it has affected you, telling him how you feel, is not going to make a bit of difference.
I don't understand what makes you feel you screwed up. In what way did YOU screw up?
I don't understand what makes you feel you screwed up. In what way did YOU screw up?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 30
I am confused- How exactly did you mess up? You said you found the needles by accident. Then that was exactly what it was - an accident. Of course if you confront him with this and probably the way you do it and the words you say really won't matter he will 1) get angry 2) deny he's using and 3) turn this around to be an argument against you. Seriously, doesn't he realize that because he has lied about his using in the past ( I am assuming he has ) that you will have a difficult time trusting him now? I think you are being to hard on yourself, but I completly understand. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I would talk to him about it in a calm rational way and I would do it soon. I think the waiting and worrying about it is worse than the actual circumstances. In your heart I think you already know he is using. I would give a little thought to what you plan on doing after you have the conversation. If he admits it then what? If he doesn't then what?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Bluejaybird)) - when I got clean? I totally had to accept that my loved ones were going to be suspicious, not trust me, check up on me. That was a consequence of what I had done to them through my addiction.
I didn't call right back when they called? Red flag. I wasn't where I said I was? Red flag. Had they searched my room (they never did, but in all honesty, they would have found a needle...never used, had it stuffed in a stuffed animal when I got locked up, trashed it when I got clean) but they had every right to look for it IMO.
I gave them reasons to not trust me. I didn't get that trust back until I earned it, and it took time. TBH? Had a brand new crack pipe under my mattress for months. Never used it, finally trashed it out on the interstate because I was done. They didn't know about it, but still...I feel HORRIBLE that I had something like that in their house.
I can only tell you my opinion. I was an addict, I did some majorly wrong things, I hurt the people who loved me, and I had to work my a$$ off to gain back trust. Had they checked up on me, snooped around? I got that. I don't recommend as I'm also a loved one of A's (read codie), but only because I learned "don't go snooping for what you're not ready to find".
I've been on both sides of the addict fence. Trust is something I value more than anything, and if I have doubts, gut feelings that say "um, something isn't right" or anything like that? I'm gonna step back. It's taken me decades to get to this point, but it is what it is.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I didn't call right back when they called? Red flag. I wasn't where I said I was? Red flag. Had they searched my room (they never did, but in all honesty, they would have found a needle...never used, had it stuffed in a stuffed animal when I got locked up, trashed it when I got clean) but they had every right to look for it IMO.
I gave them reasons to not trust me. I didn't get that trust back until I earned it, and it took time. TBH? Had a brand new crack pipe under my mattress for months. Never used it, finally trashed it out on the interstate because I was done. They didn't know about it, but still...I feel HORRIBLE that I had something like that in their house.
I can only tell you my opinion. I was an addict, I did some majorly wrong things, I hurt the people who loved me, and I had to work my a$$ off to gain back trust. Had they checked up on me, snooped around? I got that. I don't recommend as I'm also a loved one of A's (read codie), but only because I learned "don't go snooping for what you're not ready to find".
I've been on both sides of the addict fence. Trust is something I value more than anything, and if I have doubts, gut feelings that say "um, something isn't right" or anything like that? I'm gonna step back. It's taken me decades to get to this point, but it is what it is.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
Ugh...
Do I put in the part about how Ive been stewing over it, watching him, looking for signs of relapse? That I went in his bathroom and looked around, went through his duffle again and again just to see if they reappeared? That I checked his car, and all his drawers. That I got so upset I went on line to read ,found SR and posted to strangers feelings that I haven’t been able to share with him?
I know the bigger issue is him, and that he has relapsed. Ive accepted it. I mean there is no other reason for the needles. It may be over now, it may still be going on. Whats going on with him is whats important right now.
Do I put in the part about how Ive been stewing over it, watching him, looking for signs of relapse? That I went in his bathroom and looked around, went through his duffle again and again just to see if they reappeared? That I checked his car, and all his drawers. That I got so upset I went on line to read ,found SR and posted to strangers feelings that I haven’t been able to share with him?
I know the bigger issue is him, and that he has relapsed. Ive accepted it. I mean there is no other reason for the needles. It may be over now, it may still be going on. Whats going on with him is whats important right now.
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
I have watched him all this time....
This is life with someone not committed to recovery. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who have endured and supported.
What's in this for you?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If he is using, then you are the enemy.
If he is using and you tell him you found needles in his bag when you were pulling out his clothes to do the laundry, he will turn on you. So expect it and avoid letting him bait you. If you want to confess all the "transgressions" you listed above, do it with us or with someone in Al-Anon but absolutely do not take your self-criticisms to an active addict because he will dip all those confessional words from you into a vat of poison and fire them back distorted and ugly and straight through your heart. His addiction will be like a cornered animal and all fair play is off. His goal--if he is using--will be to confuse and demean you and he will be very very good at it. So do not bare your soul to him!
If you can, before you speak with him, try to get to a neutral place within your mind. If you need a few more days to get to this neutral place, wait a few more days.
The neutral place is that he did not use to betray you, he did not use to destroy the relationship, he is not lying because he wants to hurt you.
He used because he has full blown addictive disease, which YOU CANNOT CONTROL AND YOU CANNOT CURE.
When you feel you can speak to him without a flood of emotions and desperate feelings and accusations or pleas or confessions or any form of controlling, that is the best time. That is the neutral place.
The best way to communicate with an addict is matter-of-fact and direct: "I found needles in your duffle while I was doing the laundry. Are you using again?" (He will answer yes or no or he may just scream about the needles for a few minutes). "I am powerless over your addiction and we both know it. If you're using I hope you'll get help immediately for your own sake. But your addiction is not my problem and your recovery is not my responsibility." (He will probably be very defensive and he will probably start taking your inventory. Remember, his addiction is cornered and it is pissed. DO NOT DEBATE WITH THE ADDICTION).
IF you have no plan to temporarily separate from him, bluejaybird.....then all you can do--if you have no intention to take any action to separate from him--is to refuse to take any responsibility for his addiction and that includes telling him what he needs to do or helping him in ANY WAY involving his addiction. If he needs help, tell him to go to NA or a doctor. DRAW A LINE: HIS ADDICTION IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS PROBLEM.
Addicts can draw us into circular arguments that can go on for hours, if we allow it. Try to avoid that.
Set your boundaries and mean them. If you stay with him, one boundary you will have to have the strength of character to set is using a condom during sex. There will be other boundaries but we all know here that that one should be non-negotiable.
If I were in your shoes, I would be packing my bags today. I would not even be waiting for his answer about the needles. But that is me. You have to decide for yourself. We are here to support you in your recovery and we will respect whatever choices you make. It is a confusing time and we are here for whatever support and clarity you ask for.
If he is using and you tell him you found needles in his bag when you were pulling out his clothes to do the laundry, he will turn on you. So expect it and avoid letting him bait you. If you want to confess all the "transgressions" you listed above, do it with us or with someone in Al-Anon but absolutely do not take your self-criticisms to an active addict because he will dip all those confessional words from you into a vat of poison and fire them back distorted and ugly and straight through your heart. His addiction will be like a cornered animal and all fair play is off. His goal--if he is using--will be to confuse and demean you and he will be very very good at it. So do not bare your soul to him!
If you can, before you speak with him, try to get to a neutral place within your mind. If you need a few more days to get to this neutral place, wait a few more days.
The neutral place is that he did not use to betray you, he did not use to destroy the relationship, he is not lying because he wants to hurt you.
He used because he has full blown addictive disease, which YOU CANNOT CONTROL AND YOU CANNOT CURE.
When you feel you can speak to him without a flood of emotions and desperate feelings and accusations or pleas or confessions or any form of controlling, that is the best time. That is the neutral place.
The best way to communicate with an addict is matter-of-fact and direct: "I found needles in your duffle while I was doing the laundry. Are you using again?" (He will answer yes or no or he may just scream about the needles for a few minutes). "I am powerless over your addiction and we both know it. If you're using I hope you'll get help immediately for your own sake. But your addiction is not my problem and your recovery is not my responsibility." (He will probably be very defensive and he will probably start taking your inventory. Remember, his addiction is cornered and it is pissed. DO NOT DEBATE WITH THE ADDICTION).
IF you have no plan to temporarily separate from him, bluejaybird.....then all you can do--if you have no intention to take any action to separate from him--is to refuse to take any responsibility for his addiction and that includes telling him what he needs to do or helping him in ANY WAY involving his addiction. If he needs help, tell him to go to NA or a doctor. DRAW A LINE: HIS ADDICTION IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS PROBLEM.
Addicts can draw us into circular arguments that can go on for hours, if we allow it. Try to avoid that.
Set your boundaries and mean them. If you stay with him, one boundary you will have to have the strength of character to set is using a condom during sex. There will be other boundaries but we all know here that that one should be non-negotiable.
If I were in your shoes, I would be packing my bags today. I would not even be waiting for his answer about the needles. But that is me. You have to decide for yourself. We are here to support you in your recovery and we will respect whatever choices you make. It is a confusing time and we are here for whatever support and clarity you ask for.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know now, after many years of trying to "help" and be in relationships with addicts, that when I see the red flags, the bells start going off and I run like hell. I do whatever is necessary to get as much distance from the person as possible. It has taken a lot of pain and suffering and coming to awareness of how I am affected by people who do drugs and drink excessively, and the horrible, hurtful things they do, to get to this point. Some likely would call how I react, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder;" I just call it "smart."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Set your boundaries and mean them. If you stay with him, one boundary you will have to have the strength of character to set is using a condom during sex. There will be other boundaries but we all know here that that one should be non-negotiable.
Everything EnglishGarden, said is good advice
Please know that the above advice is a MUST
I say this from personal experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
If he is using, then you are the enemy.
If he is using and you tell him you found needles in his bag when you were pulling out his clothes to do the laundry, he will turn on you. So expect it and avoid letting him bait you. If you want to confess all the "transgressions" you listed above, do it with us or with someone in Al-Anon but absolutely do not take your self-criticisms to an active addict because he will dip all those confessional words from you into a vat of poison and fire them back distorted and ugly and straight through your heart. His addiction will be like a cornered animal and all fair play is off. His goal--if he is using--will be to confuse and demean you and he will be very very good at it. So do not bare your soul to him!
If you can, before you speak with him, try to get to a neutral place within your mind. If you need a few more days to get to this neutral place, wait a few more days.
The neutral place is that he did not use to betray you, he did not use to destroy the relationship, he is not lying because he wants to hurt you.
He used because he has full blown addictive disease, which YOU CANNOT CONTROL AND YOU CANNOT CURE.
When you feel you can speak to him without a flood of emotions and desperate feelings and accusations or pleas or confessions or any form of controlling, that is the best time. That is the neutral place.
The best way to communicate with an addict is matter-of-fact and direct: "I found needles in your duffle while I was doing the laundry. Are you using again?" (He will answer yes or no or he may just scream about the needles for a few minutes). "I am powerless over your addiction and we both know it. If you're using I hope you'll get help immediately for your own sake. But your addiction is not my problem and your recovery is not my responsibility." (He will probably be very defensive and he will probably start taking your inventory. Remember, his addiction is cornered and it is pissed. DO NOT DEBATE WITH THE ADDICTION).
IF you have no plan to temporarily separate from him, bluejaybird.....then all you can do--if you have no intention to take any action to separate from him--is to refuse to take any responsibility for his addiction and that includes telling him what he needs to do or helping him in ANY WAY involving his addiction. If he needs help, tell him to go to NA or a doctor. DRAW A LINE: HIS ADDICTION IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS PROBLEM.
Addicts can draw us into circular arguments that can go on for hours, if we allow it. Try to avoid that.
Set your boundaries and mean them. If you stay with him, one boundary you will have to have the strength of character to set is using a condom during sex. There will be other boundaries but we all know here that that one should be non-negotiable.
If I were in your shoes, I would be packing my bags today. I would not even be waiting for his answer about the needles. But that is me. You have to decide for yourself. We are here to support you in your recovery and we will respect whatever choices you make. It is a confusing time and we are here for whatever support and clarity you ask for.
If he is using and you tell him you found needles in his bag when you were pulling out his clothes to do the laundry, he will turn on you. So expect it and avoid letting him bait you. If you want to confess all the "transgressions" you listed above, do it with us or with someone in Al-Anon but absolutely do not take your self-criticisms to an active addict because he will dip all those confessional words from you into a vat of poison and fire them back distorted and ugly and straight through your heart. His addiction will be like a cornered animal and all fair play is off. His goal--if he is using--will be to confuse and demean you and he will be very very good at it. So do not bare your soul to him!
If you can, before you speak with him, try to get to a neutral place within your mind. If you need a few more days to get to this neutral place, wait a few more days.
The neutral place is that he did not use to betray you, he did not use to destroy the relationship, he is not lying because he wants to hurt you.
He used because he has full blown addictive disease, which YOU CANNOT CONTROL AND YOU CANNOT CURE.
When you feel you can speak to him without a flood of emotions and desperate feelings and accusations or pleas or confessions or any form of controlling, that is the best time. That is the neutral place.
The best way to communicate with an addict is matter-of-fact and direct: "I found needles in your duffle while I was doing the laundry. Are you using again?" (He will answer yes or no or he may just scream about the needles for a few minutes). "I am powerless over your addiction and we both know it. If you're using I hope you'll get help immediately for your own sake. But your addiction is not my problem and your recovery is not my responsibility." (He will probably be very defensive and he will probably start taking your inventory. Remember, his addiction is cornered and it is pissed. DO NOT DEBATE WITH THE ADDICTION).
IF you have no plan to temporarily separate from him, bluejaybird.....then all you can do--if you have no intention to take any action to separate from him--is to refuse to take any responsibility for his addiction and that includes telling him what he needs to do or helping him in ANY WAY involving his addiction. If he needs help, tell him to go to NA or a doctor. DRAW A LINE: HIS ADDICTION IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS PROBLEM.
Addicts can draw us into circular arguments that can go on for hours, if we allow it. Try to avoid that.
Set your boundaries and mean them. If you stay with him, one boundary you will have to have the strength of character to set is using a condom during sex. There will be other boundaries but we all know here that that one should be non-negotiable.
If I were in your shoes, I would be packing my bags today. I would not even be waiting for his answer about the needles. But that is me. You have to decide for yourself. We are here to support you in your recovery and we will respect whatever choices you make. It is a confusing time and we are here for whatever support and clarity you ask for.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
If he loses everything with his drug use, it's his decision to make. You cannot stop him. And don't even start to think that you stand between him and total ruination. If he wants to go down, not only will he go, but he'll take you with him.
That you still find fault with yourself in this mess is something I find worrying. It makes me wonder what your upbringing was like....
That you still find fault with yourself in this mess is something I find worrying. It makes me wonder what your upbringing was like....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by farfaraway
That you still find fault with yourself in this mess is something I find worrying. It makes me wonder what your upbringing was like....
My upbringing taught me that you face things directly with your partner, not drive yourself crazy for weeks THEN come forward. My upbringing taught me that you take care of your own health, not try to protect someones feelings and do something that is dangerous for you. (meaning if he is using IV drugs then from now on we have to use a condom nto just birth control).
That is the kind of stuff Im talking about. Im not blaming myself for his using drugs again.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
bluejay -- My son is an IV heroin user and has been for less than a year. He has been an opiate addict for about 4 years before that. My ES&H is this: I have seen his life and his character deteriorate exponentially fast just in the last 10 months that he's been an IV user. Needles (to me) equate to the annihilation of life itself. I absolutely cannot wrap my head around what kind of desperation is necessary to stick a needle full of illegal and toxic drugs into one's arm. Considering everything I've learned in this front row seat, if I knew that my boyfriend had a history of addiction AND I found needles in his possession, I would be GONE. No questions asked, no explanations needed on his part, I'm just GONE. In my experience I can't trust anything that comes from an addict's mouth...so why bother asking? I have to decide with the information I DO have and I'm deciding for ME and MY health. The risk of contracting HIV alone is all I would need to be GONE. Forget about all the other wonderful benefits that this lovely roller coaster provides...ongoing exposure to HIV? Uh.........NO. That's the ultimate deal breaker.
I know you're not there yet. I understand where you are coming from. You've trusted him all along and you don't want to give that up now. You don't WANT this nightmare to actually be real. I get it. Just remember that the health risks ARE real whether you want them or not.
I'm really sorry. Drugs suck.
I know you're not there yet. I understand where you are coming from. You've trusted him all along and you don't want to give that up now. You don't WANT this nightmare to actually be real. I get it. Just remember that the health risks ARE real whether you want them or not.
I'm really sorry. Drugs suck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My son's former girlfriend found needles on their bed. She didn't wait two weeks--she confronted him immediately (she was ticked off) and she told his father and me, too. Our son did not deny the truth, he knew he was in way over his head, so who knows, maybe your boyfriend will be honest with you, too.
I'm not one to let things fester. This has been going on for a long time for you, stewing over what your boyfriend will say or do.
I pray that when you talk to your boyfriend about the needles he will be calm, not angry, and truthful and honest to you about why they were in his backpack. I remember praying for our son when he was a volatile teenager and it really did help keep him calm.
Have your talk so it will stop eating at you.
I'm not one to let things fester. This has been going on for a long time for you, stewing over what your boyfriend will say or do.
I pray that when you talk to your boyfriend about the needles he will be calm, not angry, and truthful and honest to you about why they were in his backpack. I remember praying for our son when he was a volatile teenager and it really did help keep him calm.
Have your talk so it will stop eating at you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have always found it easier (and healthier) to just open up and tell the truth. I may wait until I am in a frame of mind to handle what follows...not when I am angry or very upset.
Whether he is being honest with you or not is irrelevant to what is right for you, and if you are anything like me, just sharing it openly and getting it on the table is much better than stuffing it down with the "what if's".
"I found needles when I was emptying your bag and it has bothered me a lot. Can we talk about it please?"
See? It's easy.
Good luck.
Whether he is being honest with you or not is irrelevant to what is right for you, and if you are anything like me, just sharing it openly and getting it on the table is much better than stuffing it down with the "what if's".
"I found needles when I was emptying your bag and it has bothered me a lot. Can we talk about it please?"
See? It's easy.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by kmangel
My son's former girlfriend found needles on their bed. She didn't wait two weeks--she confronted him immediately (she was ticked off) and she told his father and me, too. Our son did not deny the truth, he knew he was in way over his head, so who knows, maybe your boyfriend will be honest with you, too.
Have your talk so it will stop eating at you.
Have your talk so it will stop eating at you.
I see you said FORMER girlfriend. She broke up with him when she found out he was using again? Or was it the first time?
I think part of it is that I was in shock to find it, because I had never seen one in his posession before. And then I think I was in denial. All of you have helped me see things more clearly and now I know that his using has got much broader consequences than I thought about. sigh...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Ann
I have always found it easier (and healthier) to just open up and tell the truth. I may wait until I am in a frame of mind to handle what follows...not when I am angry or very upset.
Whether he is being honest with you or not is irrelevant to what is right for you, and if you are anything like me, just sharing it openly and getting it on the table is much better than stuffing it down with the "what if's".
"I found needles when I was emptying your bag and it has bothered me a lot. Can we talk about it please?"
See? It's easy.
Good luck.
Whether he is being honest with you or not is irrelevant to what is right for you, and if you are anything like me, just sharing it openly and getting it on the table is much better than stuffing it down with the "what if's".
"I found needles when I was emptying your bag and it has bothered me a lot. Can we talk about it please?"
See? It's easy.
Good luck.
Im pretty calm now. Just sad feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
I see you said FORMER girlfriend. She broke up with him when she found out he was using again? Or was it the first time?
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