STILL standing at fork in the road..help
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
STILL standing at fork in the road..help
I am well aware that I am at a fork in the road (and I've been here for some time now) where I have 2 choices:
1. Leave my in-denial AH because I can't change or control ANYTHING
or
2. Stay with him and learn to cope and take care of myself as I accept-and live in-a marriage that is based on lies (why am i even considering this!?!)
As I stand here, I learned some details today about his lies I already knew: My husband is now filling perscriptions (as he doctor shops) by paying cash and not putting them through insurance so that I won't know. In the meantime he still insists, of course, that he is no longer refilling meds and is not taking anything that he may alreaday have. (i know, I know this is bs) Well, today, I learned that one of those was vicodin filled on 6/20 and one was tramadol the week before. He lied to my face about this when I knew he had filled "something" on 6/20.
Of course,
learning the "details" of the lies infuriates me even more and sends my head spinning once again in anger and despair. However, I still find myself clinging to the times of "normalcy" that we experience in the meantime. I would also say I'm "90% ready" to confront him peacefully about what I know and then proceed to walk out the door - BUT I find myself saying - oh but i'll wait until we go on our beach trip next month and then do it - I know this is CRAZY!
If you read my previous post, my context is that he has never admitted to abusing meds, doctor shopping or having ANY type of wd or problem - he maintains that all drugs are due to his ongoing back problem (from many years ago) and arm surgery from January...( my story of his problem and denial is a very short description)
Bring on the tough words now...
1. Leave my in-denial AH because I can't change or control ANYTHING
or
2. Stay with him and learn to cope and take care of myself as I accept-and live in-a marriage that is based on lies (why am i even considering this!?!)
As I stand here, I learned some details today about his lies I already knew: My husband is now filling perscriptions (as he doctor shops) by paying cash and not putting them through insurance so that I won't know. In the meantime he still insists, of course, that he is no longer refilling meds and is not taking anything that he may alreaday have. (i know, I know this is bs) Well, today, I learned that one of those was vicodin filled on 6/20 and one was tramadol the week before. He lied to my face about this when I knew he had filled "something" on 6/20.
Of course,
learning the "details" of the lies infuriates me even more and sends my head spinning once again in anger and despair. However, I still find myself clinging to the times of "normalcy" that we experience in the meantime. I would also say I'm "90% ready" to confront him peacefully about what I know and then proceed to walk out the door - BUT I find myself saying - oh but i'll wait until we go on our beach trip next month and then do it - I know this is CRAZY!
If you read my previous post, my context is that he has never admitted to abusing meds, doctor shopping or having ANY type of wd or problem - he maintains that all drugs are due to his ongoing back problem (from many years ago) and arm surgery from January...( my story of his problem and denial is a very short description)
Bring on the tough words now...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
To him, what he is doing is survival, he is an addict, it has nothing to do with you, it's his addiction.
I am learning to take my xabf for face value when I think about our relationship now, instead of seeing him and myself, I see myself and the addict. Things make much more sense to me now because I have faced the realtiy of who he really is, not who I want him to be, not who he could be. It has helped me detach and at the same time have compassion for him.
I took a lot of stuff personally, viewing him as an addict allows me to see that his behavior was pretty normal coming from an addicted brain.
Don't know if this makes sense, in some ways I am still working it out.
My exa and I were suppose to vacation this summer as well, I cancelled it about a month or so ago.
Hug to you Katie
I am learning to take my xabf for face value when I think about our relationship now, instead of seeing him and myself, I see myself and the addict. Things make much more sense to me now because I have faced the realtiy of who he really is, not who I want him to be, not who he could be. It has helped me detach and at the same time have compassion for him.
I took a lot of stuff personally, viewing him as an addict allows me to see that his behavior was pretty normal coming from an addicted brain.
Don't know if this makes sense, in some ways I am still working it out.
My exa and I were suppose to vacation this summer as well, I cancelled it about a month or so ago.
Hug to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
You're skipping the part where you confront him about it, he lies alot, you start to doubt the facts, he does it again, you give him all kinds of ultimatums that you won't follow through with and you're still in the same place a year from now.
If you want to live with an addict, don't do anything. You have that part figured out.
If you don't, create some boundaries and do your very best to stick to them.
Good luck.
If you want to live with an addict, don't do anything. You have that part figured out.
If you don't, create some boundaries and do your very best to stick to them.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by BeavsDad 
You're skipping the part where you confront him about it, he lies alot, you start to doubt the facts, he does it again, you give him all kinds of ultimatums that you won't follow through with and you're still in the same place a year from now.
If you want to live with an addict, don't do anything. You have that part figured out.
If you don't, create some boundaries and do your very best to stick to them.
Good luck.
If you want to live with an addict, don't do anything. You have that part figured out.
If you don't, create some boundaries and do your very best to stick to them.
Good luck.
I'd like to believe that I am done doubting the facts - i did that for many months, and I am now well aware that the facts can't be any clearer.
I recently began NarAnon meetings and i've been reading around a LOT on here and other sites.
So I'm close to leaving, period. No ultimatums - he denies so much that our dynamic is more like he is the one giving ME ultimatums - he threatens to leave because I won't back off or stop questioning - this was our dynamic for a few months and I have backed off and stopped because I have learned it is beyond my control.
I always thought I was a strong, independent, educated 32 year old woman...reading my own posts is almost like I looking from the outside - who is this weak person!?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
It definitely helps to read your own posts. Provides clarity sometimes.
If you create a boundary of "I will not live with anyone in active addiction", and you mean it, it's cut and dry. Someone has to go. Temporarily or permanently.
Seems many people get stuck because they are not independently financially prepared to leave or have no support system.
Others are just too scared. "the devil you know..."
Or the good ol' "stay together for the kids"
I'm sure you have it in you to demand a better life for yourself.
One day at a time.
If you create a boundary of "I will not live with anyone in active addiction", and you mean it, it's cut and dry. Someone has to go. Temporarily or permanently.
Seems many people get stuck because they are not independently financially prepared to leave or have no support system.
Others are just too scared. "the devil you know..."
Or the good ol' "stay together for the kids"
I'm sure you have it in you to demand a better life for yourself.
One day at a time.
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