A Fork in the Road
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 9
A Fork in the Road
Hi Everyone,
I am new to this forum. In fact, this is my first time on any forum.
On Friday, my boyfriend of eight months confirmed my suspicions that he had recently relapsed after a year and a half of being clean. Looking back, I realize that he was never really sober. He confessed to me that he had been using cocaine about every other day for the past two weeks. His confession hit me like a high-speed train. My head is still spinning.
After his confession, he told me that he wants to get back on track with his recovery. We had made plans to see his therapist on Monday so that he can get back on Suboxone. He wanted me with him when he told his mom about his relapse. He promised he would no longer see his drug friends. I was ready to be his rock during this difficult time.
Then, this morning, I discovered a suspicious text from one of his drug friends. I told him that he had to get out of my house. He told me that he was only meeting up with that friend so that he could look him in the eye and tell him why they couldn't be friends anymore, and that they would be attending an AA meeting together. They weren't going to use drugs. He then told me that we need some space from each other because he is no good for me. I know that in the long run, he is doing me a favor by pushing me away and giving me an opportunity to get out before his addiction ruins my life along with his. But--
I'm not ready to let him go.
I haven't had enough time to prepare for a loss like this. He is the love of my life. My heart is aching; it hurts so badly. I am clinging to the person he is, and in my head, I know that that person is gone. He has been gone for the past two weeks, only to be replaced by his addiction. I know this, but I'm grieving the loss nonetheless.
I feel that at this point, I have two choices: (1) I can walk away and begin to mend in my heart the loss of the greatest love of my life; or (2) I can stick with him while he rediscovers his journey to recovery. I know that to support him, I should walk away now and give him the space he's asking for. If he loves me, he will feel the consequences of his actions and choose, on his own, a healthy path to recovery. I know that if I pressure him or force myself back into his life, that I will be heading down a destructive and co-dependent path. I know that I will never come first.
The thing is this: I cannot imagine my life without him. But when I imagine my life with him, I can only see a grim and painful future.
I am new to this forum. In fact, this is my first time on any forum.
On Friday, my boyfriend of eight months confirmed my suspicions that he had recently relapsed after a year and a half of being clean. Looking back, I realize that he was never really sober. He confessed to me that he had been using cocaine about every other day for the past two weeks. His confession hit me like a high-speed train. My head is still spinning.
After his confession, he told me that he wants to get back on track with his recovery. We had made plans to see his therapist on Monday so that he can get back on Suboxone. He wanted me with him when he told his mom about his relapse. He promised he would no longer see his drug friends. I was ready to be his rock during this difficult time.
Then, this morning, I discovered a suspicious text from one of his drug friends. I told him that he had to get out of my house. He told me that he was only meeting up with that friend so that he could look him in the eye and tell him why they couldn't be friends anymore, and that they would be attending an AA meeting together. They weren't going to use drugs. He then told me that we need some space from each other because he is no good for me. I know that in the long run, he is doing me a favor by pushing me away and giving me an opportunity to get out before his addiction ruins my life along with his. But--
I'm not ready to let him go.
I haven't had enough time to prepare for a loss like this. He is the love of my life. My heart is aching; it hurts so badly. I am clinging to the person he is, and in my head, I know that that person is gone. He has been gone for the past two weeks, only to be replaced by his addiction. I know this, but I'm grieving the loss nonetheless.
I feel that at this point, I have two choices: (1) I can walk away and begin to mend in my heart the loss of the greatest love of my life; or (2) I can stick with him while he rediscovers his journey to recovery. I know that to support him, I should walk away now and give him the space he's asking for. If he loves me, he will feel the consequences of his actions and choose, on his own, a healthy path to recovery. I know that if I pressure him or force myself back into his life, that I will be heading down a destructive and co-dependent path. I know that I will never come first.
The thing is this: I cannot imagine my life without him. But when I imagine my life with him, I can only see a grim and painful future.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello, Alex welcome to SR. I am glad you found us yet sorry for the reason your here.
Have you had a chance to read the stickies at the top of the forum? there is a wealth of information there.
If he loves me, he will feel the consequences of his actions and choose, on his own, a healthy path to recovery.
Alex, I have two sons who are addicted as well as my husband. I know they love me but the drugs rule them right now. IMO, an addict has to reach their rock bottom and their bottom is usually not what we would think such as in my case I thought if he loves me yet I know he does to the best of his ability at this time as do my sons.
I am sorry your hurting all those emotions can get very overwhelming. Read around the forum and keep posting remember you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. One day at a time.
I agree this, is a grieving process.
Have you had a chance to read the stickies at the top of the forum? there is a wealth of information there.
If he loves me, he will feel the consequences of his actions and choose, on his own, a healthy path to recovery.
Alex, I have two sons who are addicted as well as my husband. I know they love me but the drugs rule them right now. IMO, an addict has to reach their rock bottom and their bottom is usually not what we would think such as in my case I thought if he loves me yet I know he does to the best of his ability at this time as do my sons.
I am sorry your hurting all those emotions can get very overwhelming. Read around the forum and keep posting remember you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. One day at a time.
I agree this, is a grieving process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 9
Hi Angie,
Thanks for the kind words of support. Since I learned about this forum, I've spent hours upon hours scouring the threads to learn more about the nature of addiction and the people who fall in love with its victims. I've bookmarked several of the stickies as many of them have resonated quite strongly with me.
Maybe it hasn't sunken in yet, but I'm still struggling with how I can remain in his life without drowning in his addiction with him. Everything I've read seems to lead to me the conclusion that if I love him and myself, I need to let him go. I just don't want to do that yet. Do I have to hit rock bottom myself before I can and will accept that we're better off without each other?
D
Thanks for the kind words of support. Since I learned about this forum, I've spent hours upon hours scouring the threads to learn more about the nature of addiction and the people who fall in love with its victims. I've bookmarked several of the stickies as many of them have resonated quite strongly with me.
Maybe it hasn't sunken in yet, but I'm still struggling with how I can remain in his life without drowning in his addiction with him. Everything I've read seems to lead to me the conclusion that if I love him and myself, I need to let him go. I just don't want to do that yet. Do I have to hit rock bottom myself before I can and will accept that we're better off without each other?
D
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Alex, I'm sorry you are going through this.
If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. He is the love of your life, my addict is my son who I love dearly, others are spouses and the father of their children....we all love these lost souls.
The thing is, we cannot save them. They will make promises they cannot keep, although they may have been sincere when they made them.
Something I have learned by observation...when they are done, they are done and there is no running to old drug friends for any reason and there is no delay...they are just done. Until they are done, it's a rough ride, one that can kill us if we insist on living in their darkness.
It is painful to let go, it breaks our heart. It is more painful to hang on, it breaks our very spirit.
It is entirely up to you to choose how you want to spend the next 5 years, 10 years, rest of your life...but please know we are here to support you no matter which path you take.
Hugs
If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. He is the love of your life, my addict is my son who I love dearly, others are spouses and the father of their children....we all love these lost souls.
The thing is, we cannot save them. They will make promises they cannot keep, although they may have been sincere when they made them.
Something I have learned by observation...when they are done, they are done and there is no running to old drug friends for any reason and there is no delay...they are just done. Until they are done, it's a rough ride, one that can kill us if we insist on living in their darkness.
It is painful to let go, it breaks our heart. It is more painful to hang on, it breaks our very spirit.
It is entirely up to you to choose how you want to spend the next 5 years, 10 years, rest of your life...but please know we are here to support you no matter which path you take.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by AlexSupertramp 
I feel that at this point, I have two choices: (1) I can walk away and begin to mend in my heart the loss of the greatest love of my life; or (2) I can stick with him while he rediscovers his journey to recovery. I know that to support him, I should walk away now and give him the space he's asking for. If he loves me, he will feel the consequences of his actions and choose, on his own, a healthy path to recovery. I know that if I pressure him or force myself back into his life, that I will be heading down a destructive and co-dependent path. I know that I will never come first.
The thing is this: I cannot imagine my life without him. But when I imagine my life with him, I can only see a grim and painful future.
The thing is this: I cannot imagine my life without him. But when I imagine my life with him, I can only see a grim and painful future.
He does not use drugs at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way.
His brain has been rewired to protect and sustain addiction, at any cost.
Can you give him the dignity to live his life as he chooses?
Can you let go of the hopeful fantasy of the guy you want and need him to be?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Dear alex.... such a difficult but at the same time there are some good things to being where you are at least from my experience. I do not feel this way every day that's why for us (family and friends of loved ones/codependts), its one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time... I have found for me choosing to see the good left in the love of my life, focusing on me and changing the things I can I grow and have serinity, most days...
it has been very challenging at times to not focous on him and what he did or is doing. I go to alanon meetings call some one from alanon/sponsor and or read here or read my books from alnon. This helps me to live and let live and really detach with love...
I have my "relapse" days and can get in an emotional fog and my thinking becomes destorted if Im not careful... living with addiction as they say, "is to much for most of us" so for me with out the help of alanon and the work I do on me I would be a daily basket case... I also pray often and ask for his will and the power to carry that out.
With that said I encourage you to attend a alanon or naranon meeting at least 6 before you make a decision if its for you. Its taken a while and alot of hard work but today just for today I can love my addict/ the love of my life weather he uses or not and can find peace and contentment and enjoy him when he is sober. I have set boundries as to what I will not accept. It took a long time but I did it. He does not use when he is wit
h me doc crack/coke. He has his own place and I have mine. This is not a way of life for everyone and certainly not recommended ..lol but its my life and I have found peace and happiness while enjoying and loving the love of my life weather he uses or not...
Prayers for you alex and your love.... hope this helps a little...
it has been very challenging at times to not focous on him and what he did or is doing. I go to alanon meetings call some one from alanon/sponsor and or read here or read my books from alnon. This helps me to live and let live and really detach with love... I have my "relapse" days and can get in an emotional fog and my thinking becomes destorted if Im not careful... living with addiction as they say, "is to much for most of us" so for me with out the help of alanon and the work I do on me I would be a daily basket case... I also pray often and ask for his will and the power to carry that out.
With that said I encourage you to attend a alanon or naranon meeting at least 6 before you make a decision if its for you. Its taken a while and alot of hard work but today just for today I can love my addict/ the love of my life weather he uses or not and can find peace and contentment and enjoy him when he is sober. I have set boundries as to what I will not accept. It took a long time but I did it. He does not use when he is wit
h me doc crack/coke. He has his own place and I have mine. This is not a way of life for everyone and certainly not recommended ..lol but its my life and I have found peace and happiness while enjoying and loving the love of my life weather he uses or not...
Prayers for you alex and your love.... hope this helps a little...
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