hopeful21

I'm new to SR, this is my first post, and not quite sure where to start with my story or just what questions to ask the group...but I do know I am desperate for clarity of some kind...

I'm in the midst of coping with my husband of 8 years' (who I love deeply) pain pill addiction ? and his major denial? I am desperate for any advice.

Here is the context of my story as succinctly as I can tell it:

Basically, he began pain meds for a back injury that occurred more than 10 years ago. However, I am posting here based on what I think is an addiciton problem that began in the last year or so. He had mostly taken Tramadol for his back over the past 2 years that I know of from the family doctor, with some oxycodone scripts mixed in from urgent care places etc. In the PAST, well since we've been married, I'd always had concerns with how much and frequently he drank - and esp. in combination with his Tramadol for a past back injury, then Klonopin and a laundry list of other anti anxiety meds for the last 2 years. (At the time - I didn't even connect that anxiety could've been coming form abusing the tramadol - since then I have learned!)

This Fall, I grew moreconcerned and started to look more closely at his meds via our insurance records. Based on his behaviors, deception, and physical symptoms, I concluded he was abusing the prescriptions and then withdrawing until the next refill.

***Fast forward to where my current situation begins**
Anxiety meds and drinking had increased this Fall after he had some major stress at work. At this point, my concerns really began to shift to a dependency on his scripts - but he always denied any problem when I discussed my concerns.

Then, in January, he injured his arm at work, resulting in surgery and many pain pill prescriptions - vicodin, percocet, tylenol codene etc. At this point, I began to have major concerns about addiction - as he began to get prescriptions from several different doctors - some for the arm surgery, others for his past anxiety or back issues. This went on for about 3 months, I would question him on the frequency and amount of pills/doctors- he would claim that he wasn't taking them - but of course he was hiding them from me too. At the time, I was going crazy and with so many lies, stories, and signs - I had seen crazy mood swings and irritability, on and off flu-like symptoms, long, frequent trips to the bathroom, constricted pupils, glossy eyes, red eyes, insomnia, itchy skin, restlessness and the list went on. I found hidden empty pill bottles in stacks of clothes, disappearing alcohol from the house etc.

I love him so much, and this all began to tear our marriage apart - because i couldn't stop questioning and he denied everything. Of course I was in the "investigation" stage. Since January, of course I have researched, learned about the signs of addiction, wd, etc. and we have had MAJOR blow up arguments - and he even left for a few weeks – still never admitting anything! Looking back it is obvious what was going on...and I actually feel like I have made some progress with my own way of coping. I know I cannot do ANYTHING about it until he hits rock bottom and changes.

BUT, last month, I decided to call his doctors - privately so that he would not know - this was at the height of it all and I was very concerned for his health and thought if I can't talk to him - I can at least let the surgeon and the family doc know about the "double" prescriptions. I learned the docs were also concerned and they cut him off of the pain pills. He and I have never discussed this.

In June, the narcotic/tramadol scripts stopped - according to our insurance records - but there are still several Benzos - and of COURSE he always claims he fills them just in case but is not taking them. PLEASE.

It has been driving my crazy all over again because I now see different signs - sluggish behavior, slow speech etc. - but really not the wd roller coaster I was seeing with the narcotics.

Is is possible that the pain pill addiciton stopped and now its a Benzo one that isn't as obvious?!?

Just when I thought things were calming down - but I am always thinking it's too good to be true and the "other shoe will drop" at some point - I recently accessed his personal bank account and found MANY unexplained cash withdrawals, pharmacy transactions for more than a hundred dollars at time - all that tell me there are obviously more lies than I know and scripts happening that are not going through our insurance. I have not confronted him on this and am still trying to figure out when and how..

He still NEVER admits to any of this.

***Here is where I am at - I CAN NO LONGER deal with the lies - BUT I can't get myself to leave because I know he actions are based on his addiction - BUT of course I doubt bc I don't have 100% proof or an admission from him about a problem - HELP!

I think I know deep down that this cannot work out unless he admits to SOMETHING..right?!?

Vale

Hopeful21,
Thank you for sharing.There is an immense body of wisdom
contained in SR that I hope you will avail yourself of.Noone here has
not been touched by addiction----there may be some lurkers but I
would have to wonder why? There are FAR more enjoyable sites on
the web!
There is nothing more difficult than the subject of addiction.
Human beings are intelligent.We want to fix things.We want to make
things better--- less painful.

I know you will find friends here who understand what you are going through.

Welcome.

crazybabie

Hopeful21, I am sorry for what your going through. I can share my experience with you My AH (addicted husband) does not admit he has a problem either yet he would send me text messages when he was gone for several days or just overnight apologizing and saying he would go to the doctor if his back hurt again etc... in my heart I believe my AH knows he has a problem but he is not ready to do anything about it, if he admits it he may feel he has to.

this has been going on almost 3 years we are currently separated I saw him on Saturday and he was telling me he plans stopping on his own yet still no admission of a problem.

I finally realized I don't need an admission from him I KNOW what is happening.

Read around the forum and check out the stickies at the top and keep posting is my advice.

pinkdog

There are stages of readiness to addiction recovery. 1. precontemplation 2.contemplation 3. preparation 4. action 5. maintennance 5 termination. Yes almost admitting it is step 1. As in maybe I do have a problem. :ghug3Step 2 is accepting it. The addict has to do these steps themself. Hugs to you.

kmangel

Until your husband decides he has a problem and seeks help, your situation will continue to escalate. Drug addiction is progressive.

One thing for you to know is that a drug addict's first responsibility is to the addiction, not to the people in his/her life. I know it's hard to wrap our minds around, but the addict can't help it. I told my recovering son that drug addiction is the closest thing I can think of to demon possession. As an addict, he had no choice but to obey his addiction--it so totally possessed his every thought and life.

Protect everything of value to you now before it "disappears".

story74

Listen to your intuition. Don't be blinded by love. Denial is more powerful than I ever imagined.

My xah lost his job, son and wife AND got caught, but refused to admit he had a problem with cocaine. He wanted/wants evryone to think he couldn't tolerate me anymore, found another woman and started up a new business. That he did try coke a couple times, but he is sober now...without changing any lifestyle habits or new friends. Without rehab. He had me very confused in the beginning. His mother and sister are still in denial accepting it, meanwhile he abandoned me and my son...just left us with NOTHING. But, it is about behavior. Throughout this past year he has been so inconsistant, irrational to talk to, manipulative, puts blame on me and accepts NO responsibility for his actions. He is unable to act responsibily. So, this "sober" man hasn't seen his son since may 14 and disappeared since june 4. Yea, that's what sober people do (yes, I'm being sarcastic) I am actually curious if he will finally admit he has a problem...that is if he has enough courage to make things right. He is also 3 months behind on child support. Its a mess.

Denial is VERY powerful.

Here is a helpful link: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

I am sorry for your pain. Read and educate yourself as much as possible. You will find you are not alone. Pretty much dealing with an addict is just painful. They cannot be trusted.

Blessings!

RoseMadder

Hopeful,
My AH has multiple addictions, when he stopped vicodin he rotated to benzos and instead of the pindot pupils and evil behavior, he was sluggish, slurred speech and slept all the time.
He then went back to vicodin, stole my jewelry and sold his wedding ring for drugs. Please protect your finances and valuables.
I learned that I didn't need "proof" he was using, my gut was always right. I couldn't make him admit anything, that's what addicts do - deny.
We can't help them or fix them, they have to choose recovery for themselves. Please do what's best for YOU. We are here for you.

hopeful21

Thank you so much for these replies, it's so comforting to know there are people out here to listen and provide support.

Yes, over the last six months, I have read a lot about addiction etc. on here and other sites, and I have really learned a lot! I even began attending Naranon meetings last week.

Over the last 6 months, there were definitely times where I could see things were escalating quickly with all of the pills and I even thought he was close to rock bottom once or twice. Ever since I called the doctors – things have evolved, and calmed down in a way. But everything I think and write here is based on his actions – he has never admitted to any sort of a problem
AM I CRAZY?

We have grown into this dynamic where my husband sees ME as the bad guy, the one who causes his anxiety and has ruined our marriage, because I can't just believe him and trust him - he is the one who threatens to leave over MY questioning - he refuses to see that HIS behaviors and actions cause my questioning. So over these few months, I have chosen to back off, and just try and cope on my own – hope that he will fix everything - but it’s increasingly more difficult to maintain this.

Over the last few weeks, things even almost seem normal-ish again - aside from the lies lies lies that I know about and can’t stop thinking about. I'm really at a cross roads I think - I don't feel like I am in "crisis mode" anymore, but now it is just the constant worrying about what "might" happen next, or the fixation over the lies that I know about

***Am I naive to think he has really just fixed his problem on his own...?
I’m not even really seeing the sluggish behavior, “zoned out,” slow speech behavior etc. that I had been – and I had attributed that to a transition to just Benzos…the only thing I am now seeing is very dilated pupils each night – but nothing else really at this point. I am describing all of this because all I have to go on is his actions – I know I can’t believe his words. Any advice???***

hopeful21

.

lolcabbage

You mean constricted or dilated?
constricted pupils = opiates.

Cash transactions = opiates.


Sounds like he's back on opiates.

story74

I had no clue my xah was snorting coke. BUT something wasn't right. I thought it was a bump (no pun intended) in our relationship. Boy, was I dead wrong!

Trust your instincts, and be ready and have a plan in place if things do explode. Stay strong. Ask yourself what a healthy marriage is. For me, my red flag that I ignored were the lies. My x of 16 years went from being my bff and someone I trusted to a total stranger. Also, you are the bad guy because you are getting in the way of his drug. They are superb at blamiing us for everything. Just remember, you are the sober one thinking clearly. Don't question yourself. You love him and want to help him. You have good intentions. Can he fix it himself? Maybe, but I highly doubt it. Right now he probably is trying to callm you down so you get off his back and he can continue to use...just my guess. Good luck and many blessings!

PrayingMama

The pupils dilate during withdrawal from opiates, so maybe that's what's happening?

Learn2Live

Thank you so much for this share, Story74.

Learn2Live

hopeful21, what he is doing is called Doctor Shopping. Sooner or later they will catch on and cut him off. Then he might try to forge scripts. Hopefully, he will get caught at that and there will be jail time. Once the prescription drug supply wears off, that is when they switch to street drugs.

I know you are focusing on the REASON why he is acting this way. But the reason why really does not matter. What you are looking at is a drug addict and he will ALWAYS be a drug addict. Recovery is a slow and painful process for those of us who love addicts. Try to begin trying to Accept him for who and what he is.

Please take appropriate steps to protect yourself and the finances.

kmangel

He may be trying. My son did. Your husband may be clean for a while, but something will come up that lures him to use again. Addiction is progressive and my son progressed to heroin with spells in between where he was clean. Many addicts try to beat addiction on their own and fail. Professional assistance is necessary. In the meantime, you are on this joy ride with your husband--with all the blame that goes with it. Enough to drive any sane person insane for sure.

Katiekate

Benzos are very powerful drugs, I came off of them almost three years ago.

They could certainly be causing sluggishness and some of the other behaviors you are suggesting. They will most certainly make him sleep.

There is a huge amount of benzos on the streets. They are excellent for staving off the withdrawal from other drugs.

EnglishGarden

Your story is really quite a simple one.

Your husband is an addict. He denies he is an addict. Denial is a keynote feature of addiction. So stop being surprised when he denies. Denial is a major component of the disease.

Your challenge is not to figure out how to convince him he is an addict nor to figure out how to interrupt his supply nor to figure out what is the drug of the day.

Your challenge is to put the focus squarely on yourself and stop enabling him. Because you are.

Continue going to Nar-Anon but only if the meetings focus on the family member's recovery from codependency. I went to a local Nar-Anon meeting for 6 months but have stopped going because it is a meeting which focuses, unfortunately, on the addict. It is a long series of reports on what the addict has said or done in the past week. I can't change the meeting, of course, it is what it is. So I stopped going.( Meetings are all different and your group may be a healthy one.)

But I have been going to Al-Anon for many years. And fortunately the Al-Anon meetings I attend in my area focus on our part. And we codependents definitely need to clean up our part.

You will have to completely take yourself out of the picture with him and his drugs. If your meetings aren't helping you achieve that goal, then find a new meeting or a tell-it-like-it-is counselor.

Right now you are looking outward and that is the wrong direction.

We know. We are in recovery, so we know.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry.....I thought you'd been to Nar-Anon but that was in someone else's post.

supportforme

Hopeful - I'm sorry you're going through this. Please go back and read my past post. They progress as my AH's addiction progressed. I understand your words and questions - I've been there. The worst part is the craziness that it causes us. We try to figure out and understand something that is beyond us and them. They deny, we deny, we love them so we rationalize. I didn't want to believe all the warnings regarding doctor shopping and prescription fraud - not my addict. However, you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and there is no way to control this. There is so much support and information for you on this site along with some wonderful people that have been my rock through all of this. Get yourself help so that you can survive the horrible ride of addiction. You will need it to save yourself.

lesliej

the "addiction, lies and relationships" link is very valuable info...please follow it and read.

the crazy making dynamics of an addict/codependent relationship are wild. when I share I always try to remember that it is the relationship, not just the addict, that is off balance. we as codependents are the counter part of the equation and until we get some serious assistance through SR, meetings and therapy and reading for ourselves...we are in trouble and remain a big part of the problem.

before I got help I was always blaming the addict for my despair and unhappiness. it is very very difficult to break through our own denial and warped perspective...but it so so so worth every bit of work you put into it. it is counter intuitive and hard to stay on track at first, just let people keep reminding you to focus on yourself. and it WILL get better!!

in al-anon principles no one can really tell you to stay or go, and no one can really say what will happen with the addict. there are always possibilities, and there are also PROBABILITIES. re: possibility of the flu...PROBABILITY of addiction!! however the real possibility lies within your "control" and that is to do what YOU can to get yourself well...do what people tell you who are in recovery from codependency.

it will be hard, you will want to keep focusing on him. it will drive you crazy at first because you are going to want to keep talking about him and figuring it out
we go through cyclical spirals like this...the addict deflects blame, we retort, then we start to accept parts of the blame...then we start to deny, we sneak around, we investigate and research...we lose our lives to the addict.

the absolute best thing possible for you to do for both of you is to keep doing what you can do get well for yourself. benzos, opiates, alcohol, weed, drano, spice, heroin, crack, meth...the drug of choice just does not matter when you are sick in the codependency.

do as people say...protect your finances and find good meetings, get some books too...codependent no more...follow that link up there and keep posting!! praying for you...keep breathing. walk. post...find a sponsor asap...things will get better!