Can't there be one drama free weekend??

Old 07-08-2012, 05:59 PM
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Can't there be one drama free weekend??

Well, I posted on Friday about my AS and how he was severly depressed and wanting me to call a Dr for him (looking for antidepressants but also Xanax, of course).
Well, then I didn't hear from him for two days. It's been a quiet weekend, though I've often wondered if he was ok.
Well, this evening the texts started (he won't talk on the phone about this and I hate texts) He says he just wants to go back to the state he was living in. Says he will have 20 days clean tomorrow, he doesn't need help, doesn't need a program, can do this on his own, he's not one to back down from a fight,(meaning his addiction), was only really depressed because of 24 hrs w/out sleep, he's doing fine. I tell him hardly anyone beats this sh*t on their own, and then he gets pissed at me and says he can't wait to be clean for years and forget all who have doubted him! I'm so frustrated! It's like talking to a 4 year old!! No, when he was 4 we had a great time together!!

I KNOW I'm supposed to let go, detatch, let him fall, I know this. BUT (and it's a big but), I feel that by just letting him go I'm just walking away from him while he is right in the middle of killing himself, literally. My mother instincts are just screaming "you can't just let him die!!" How can this hurt so bad?
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:13 PM
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A lot of mothers on SR did everything they could to help their addict son/daughter and the whole thing exploded in their face. Most will tell you that letting go is the best way for the addict to find sobriety. When the addict no longer have people handing them money, sheltering them, getting them out of jail, paying for expensive rehabs and program... the sooner they will face the consequences of their actions and choices. As long as you *help* them, you enable them to use and send along the message that "there's no consequences because someone will always be there to clean up the mess." Bad idea.

I encourage you to read the stories of some of the moms here and hope you find some guidance.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:22 PM
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Drama free weekend? With an addict in active addiction? No.

You'll get a couple of good days here and there. They aren't able to behave with any consistency. Take care of you.

ZoSo
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:25 PM
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I can sooo relate to you Peace. My AD just texted me a few moments ago asking for money for gas and movies. My reply was: Are you kidding me? I know she had over $300 on Thursday and it's just Sunday and she's broke? She said she had to retrieve things from the pawn shop with most of that money. I answered: THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM
It's tough- but an insane request like the one my AD just sent me makes it that much easier to see how deep into their addiction they really are. Please try to guard any Serenity you may have - you deserve it.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:22 PM
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Thanks, Granny.
I actually did have some serenity this weekend. Spent yesterday out with my husband and younger kids, shopping, eating out, etc. Then today we spent the day at home and I got to go into my studio and "play" and we enjoyed a nice dinner outside after a long, brutal heat wave. Even after all the texting back and forth with my son and becoming quite upset, I was able to be look back over the last couple of days and be thankful for the simple pleasures.
Sorry you too are getting unpleasant texts from your daughter. Stay strong and hug your grandchild tight tonight!:ghug3
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:22 PM
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(((((peaceinthepines)))))

I know some around here have heard (read) this story before but it has been awhile, so I will repeat it again, lol

In Jan of '79 I was 33 1/2 years old and my parents and family all said ENOUGH, NO MORE, this is YOUR PROBLEM you take care of it. If you call we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be closed in your face and if you try and steal from us we will call the police.

My response was to move across the country. It took me 2 1/2 more years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.

In all my years since then I have stated repeatedly over and over, in and out of AA meetings, in and out of Alanon meetings, working with my sponsees, and on here:

"This was THE BEST THING THAT MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME."

Believe me they did plenty, they bailed me out of jail, they paid my mortgage payment, they were constantly giving me money.

When I was about 3 years sober and clean, my mom and I were talking and I asked her, after thanking her for about the 50th time, what happened that she and dad and sis were finally able to do this and mean it.

Her response was that they were at the end of their rope and had they not cut me out of their lives they would have been institutionalized in padded cells in straight jackets and she was not kidding. Back then, there really was not that much of Alanon yet available and she certainly had never heard of it.

I have worked with many sponsees that their parents did the same thing, and by gosh they managed to find recovery.

I feel that by just letting him go I'm just walking away from him while he is right in the middle of killing himself, literally.
Actually by walking away from him, giving him to his HP to watch over, you are giving him the opportunity to help himself with no 'mommy' to fall back on and manipulate.

Please find some alanon meeting and/or some private one on one counseling for yourself. This will help your AS more than anything.

J M H O based on over 31 years of being sober and clean and sponsoring others also trying for sobriety, and over 28 years of working on my own codependency and sponsoring others.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:01 PM
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Hello, Peaceinthepines. I read your post and can totally relate to the texts, although my son just called on the phone. The texts are better because you have time to think when they are pushing your buttons!

Listen to Laurie6781, she lived it and is our best teacher.

I finally let go of my son after probably hanging in there for 35 years! I did everything but turn blue for him, but nothing changed the situations. Nothing not money, not bailing him out, not covering for him, not replacing stolen property, not rebuying things from the pawn shop before Mr.Dev found out, nothing, nothing! Not even yelling at the warden in SanQuentin!! Nothing changed until one day it finally snapped "I realized there was no changing him, only myself!" I did! I finally let go! When he called with his scary stories of how he needed money or his drug dealer was going to kill him, I had to take a deep breath and say, "that's the consequences of your actions!" So no matter what horror stories he told me, I would just say, I'm sorry, I hope it works out for you, I love you, and hang up!

Finally, when he didn't have me on his side anymore, and he had run out of options, he decided what to do on his own. I almost died when he called from a rehab. He loved it there it was peaceful and he became their handyman. This was his second rehab. The first did not work. This one did I think because they treated him with respect.

In short, stick to your guns. If you do, he will have more of chance to recover than if you continue to help him. Let him fall, let him experience the pain it's his journey, let him walk it.

It will be ok, I promise you. I remember Ann saying that to me, and I thought she had had one too many sodas!! LOL It does happen, it will happen, keep the faith.

Hugs,Devastated
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:03 PM
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My family had the same experience as Laurie. We had family meetings where my addict brother and what we were going to do for him was the topic of conversation. We all enabled him and his wife. We gave them houses, money, cars, clothing, free babysitting, you name it. Over many years bro and his wife just git worse and worse till they were out of their minds on heroin, coke, whatever they could get. They split and that is when it got worse. I had to go full no contact. I stopped taking calls, would not see him, etc. The rest of the family followed suit. I think it was 2 years later he was homeless living in a tent somewhere but it was only then that he finally got clean. Looking back, We should have cut him off much sooner.
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:04 PM
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I just want to share from a non-addict standpoint.

Growing up my father always warned my sister and I... "Dont make bad choices. If you do things that get you in trouble, get you in jail, your mom and I will not get you out because ONLY YOU are responsible for you. We will support you only in the right choices."

I knew he was serious so I lived my life abiding to those words. Surely, when my sister got into trouble with the law, he did not help her because she made the bad choices herself. Yet, when I chose to study hard, do well in school, go to college and continue higher education, they always supported me. I always knew that if I f-up... then I'd be the one cleaning up my own mess. Knowing that, I never wanted to f-up.

Support your son in the right choices only. He will not learn the lesson as long as you cushion his fall, which cuts short the lessons he was supposed to learn.

hang in there. :ghug3
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Old 07-08-2012, 08:26 PM
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Thank you Laurie, Devastated, Learn and Oooops.
I got view points from a RA, families of Addicts, and a non-addict and they all are helpful to me.
Ooops, that was a great warning your father gave you, I think I'm going to use that with my younger kids ( 9 & 10).
Devastated, I am so glad things are going so well for your son now. Your post with your update this evening was so wonderful to read!
And Laurie, it's nice to know that someday I could be thanked for being what I'm sure he sees as cruel and unfair now.
Hugs to you All,
Peace
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Old 07-08-2012, 09:08 PM
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I've always struggled with this. These days though I have been so hurt and disrespected by him that I really do want to say "outta here"! The thing that makes it extra difficult though is his health - particularly recent surgery for spinal cord infection, iv pump at "home", and he is very sick.

What do I do about this? He doesn't slow down when there is something on his mind - such as moving his camper. He works in the heat relentlessly with a broken pic line and vomiting every hour or so. He won't take care of himself, even with cleanliness. He writhes in pain at times, and when i see those broken-up limbs (from a previous accident) unable to be still and he says his hands just don't work right any longer, I just don't know how to deal with that! Some of me wants to say "out of my life..I can't do this another day" and another part of me wants to constantly say how to take care of himself. He, too, is depressed and I can see why. All of this in active addiction.
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Old 07-08-2012, 10:00 PM
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Washbe2, you know the old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" right? Same applies here, we all have choices in this life. He is obviously making the choices that work for him. Nothing you can do about it. Try to look the other way, maybe he'll start making better choices if he doesn't think you're watching.

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 07-09-2012, 04:33 AM
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It is so much easier said than done, but the truth is that we can not make recovery come any faster for our loved ones by coddling them and keeping them from feeling the effects of the choices they have made. In fact, we can delay recovery by our choices we make to help them. Great advice your father gave you, ooops, to support only your good choices. I remember some of the bad choices we supported. Bailing our son out of jail. The first time it happened we told him that he got one free pass out of jail--but we were lying. The second one came, albeit 11 years later, and we bailed him out. It's never too late for us as friends and families of substance abusers to embrace a different way of reacting to the situations our SAs bring to the table. My son is doing much better now that he is not living under my roof. He doesn't ask for anything from his father and me--at the moment that is. That could change at any time. We must remember to support his good choices, not his bad choices. We as family members must look at our choices we make in life and make good choices, too. Helping someone in active addiction is usually not the good choice on our part--it only hinders. Time to wake up and smell the coffee and accept the truth that we can not do or love our addicts to recovery.
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Old 07-09-2012, 05:12 AM
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The truth is that your son can go back to the other state if he wants to and finds a way to do it because you can't control that. You don't need to help him go back to the other state if it doesn't feel right to you.
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Old 07-09-2012, 11:27 AM
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He will find his way without any help, when he is ready. They are very resourceful.

Take care of you. Just keep repeating to yourself, "I am crippling him more if I keep advising or helping!."

I finally started saying to my son,"I love you, but cannot help you, as I am not a professional. You need professional help!"

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 07-09-2012, 12:11 PM
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"He will find his way without any help, when he is ready. They are very resourceful.

Take care of you. Just keep repeating to yourself, "I am crippling him more if I keep advising or helping!."

I finally started saying to my son,"I love you, but cannot help you, as I am not a professional. You need professional help!""


Thank you Dev, those are my new words to my son and your post has inspired me today
Hugs
Teresa
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