CityGarden

We're on vacation in Switzerland, where I lived for 12 years with my Swiss husband. We moved to the States a year ago, and my husband travels regularly back to Switzerland for work. We're on our first family vacation visiting our old home to see family and friends.

Since I only have a US cell phone plan, my husband gave me his old Swiss cell phone with a pre-paid SIM card to use while in town. I wanted to send a friend a text, and saw a recent text from someone I don't know well. Thanks to the iPhone display, the history of their texting was clear, although the context was not for me.

This was clear - money was exchanging. Meetings every time my husband was in town. Questions like how urgent? How much? 4, 6 or 8?

I confronted my husband and he confessed, even told me the names of his friends he had been using with FOR YEARS.

I called his dealer and told him who I was. He didn't admit anything but I'm planning to send him a text tomorrow, before I throw the phone into the lake. Here's what I want to say:

Dear Drug Dealer,
How is life working out for you, dealing drugs to the father of 3 little boys?
F U!

I already wrote messages to two coke snorting friends, telling them that I finally know what they've been up to with hubby, and I'm shocked and hurt.

Apparently I'm the only one in the whole town who didn't know my husband was snorting cocaine the whole time I've been married to him. I have never felt so stupid in my life.

lisasneeze

I remember getting so mad at my crack addict's dealers and friends until I found out that HE was mostly responsible. Yes, dealers are evil but you need to wake up if you are going to place the blame on them. The addict goes looking for it. My addict told me so many times that dealers put it in his face, um yeah right! He went looking for it, often used my cell hone to have it delivered to him. I spent too many years of my life blaming the addicts' counter parts and in the process I ignored the ugly truth, don't ignore the truth, the addict chooses these things. You would have to chain an addict to a toilet to make sure they didn't use, they are very crafty and they want you to place blame on others, it helps their cause.

crazybabie

I understand you anger at the dealer I understand that you think that would make you feel better and maybe it would however, I am not so sure it is a good thing to do? Everyone is different and when it comes from that phone he will know you did it some of these people can be very dangerous.

CityGarden

Thank you, lisasneeze, you are totally right! My husband already used that excuse today. He said that Drug Dealer has been texting him more than usual and he told him to stop.

I'm still mad at him, but I know it's ultimately not his fault.

story74

My xah cheated on me for 6 months. His friends knew. They all went on a big trip together on mothers day weekend. I cut all ties. If they knew and/or talk to him, I want NOTHING to do with them. I was humiliated. You find out who your real friends are real quick.

Ann

CityGarden, I know this is upsetting and you will have to work through it whether you stay or leave....but please remember that YOU haven't done anything wrong and that YOU deserve wayyyyy better than this.

Hugs

nytepassion

This is very true. The dealer sells the drugs, but the addict goes looking for it. In the 1980's I dealt cocaine. I didn't have to go looking for the addict to get rid of my product. They came to me. Now, I will admit I would call and let certain people know when I got 'the kind' in (killer stuff) but I was doing them a 'favor' by giving them the heads up.

Generally, addicts come begging for a fix all they have to know is where it is at and they are there.

In my active addiction if you chained me to a toilet I would just have the dealers gopher= (person paid to run dope) swing it by the bathroom window.

There is no stopping an addict from getting high so no need to even try.

Just a word of caution. Be careful about contacting his dealer you don't want to put focus on you or your family. A lot of dealers do their own product and therefore their brains are hijacked by drugs too. Thus,making them capable of being really ugly if they feel that you are a threat to their freedom.

Passion

bmjatown1717

I can understand how you feel, but it's a waste of energy to be mad at the dealer, and to waste time texting him. He probably laughed at your text. He doesn't care what you think of him. Your husband does. Put your energy into your marriage, and yourself, deciding how you want to handle things going forward. Good luck! And don't feel stupid.. you're not an idiot. Addicts are experts at being sneaky.

lesliej

maybe he laughed, but I doubt it. one lovely side effect of cocaine is paranoia (sometimes extreme), made more extreme when a dealer has fear of legal retribution...if he thinks a retaliating wife is upset enough to notify authorities it is NOT a good situation.

i lived in a dealing house back in 1984...back when the grams were $100 each...(which is why I guess I so grossly overestimated 6-8 grams at around a thousand now) and the dealers that I encountered were very paranoid and freaky. steer clear

and yes, its a greedy drug with not a lot of sharing going on, unless its a trade for something "else"
regardless of 400 or 1000 at intervals...too bad all that "extra income" is lost going up a nasal cavity instead of a college fund...but hey, who am I to put down anyones recreational use!

LoveMeNow

I made the same mistakes. I called his dealer and he did laugh...the first time. Another time, he threatened me and I threatened back.

He told me 'I know where you live" I foolishly replied "Come on over, the door is unlocked, come on in, let's have a drink...cuz then I am gonna put a bullet between your eyes." Sad part, I probably would have too. I saw him as the person who destroying my life and my family.

All a waste of time and energy. This guy told my husband..."your wife is nuts" so my husband found some one else more reliable. Great!!

I still hate dealers....especially the ones who sell to kids but in the end...my husband sought them out and I needed to accept that.

ETA Your husband has been putting a drug up his nose and into his brain, lying to you, and wasting his family's money... and you thing YOUR the idiot?? uhmmm, I think he is the real idiot in this scenario.

FindingErica

Being mad at a dealer is like being mad at a Mc Donalds because someone you love is obese. Don't put a target on your back by messing with a dealer. People whose livelihood depends on criminal activity can be very paranoid.

Don't feel stupid either. I am just now putting all the pieces of lies and use regarding AH. I am sure more is to come. Yes he was using when I worked overnight shift and he was supposed to be caring for our 3 children. He has virtually abandoned us now though he does lip service to wanting to be a family man.

I know it can be confusing, saddening, enraging; but you are not to blame.

lisasneeze

Your welcome City! I have been exactly where you are, it is a very frustrating and confusing place to be! I believe as enablers we are also in denial about a lot and it's because we love the addict! Some of the stuff my addict did was just out of the realm of understanding, for a long time I couldn't bring myself to think he would do the thing he did, none of it made sense, I knew this could not be the man who laid next to me at night and was so kind and funny and sweet at times. I got to a point where I stopped being in denial, I started calling my addict out on everything and forcing him to take responsibility and than I finally had the courage to walk away when he continued to use.

I feel for you. It is so hard I know but keep your chin up and always protect yourself and your children!