It's been several weeks since I've been here. "The Kid" as I fondly call him is doing really well.

He has started up his college classes again, and is paying for all of his tuition, books, etc. himself.
He was able to sell his motorcycle, and looks like that covered everything. He talked to his academic advisor to help him get back on track; he basically lost 2 semesters after his father died and he got involved with the drug lifestyle. He decided to take a full course load; and seems very excited and dedicated to continuing his studies.

His mom is over the moon happy !

He is still living with me and my husband. We offered for him to stay at least through this first semester back as he seems to be very stable here & will be going through a lot of adjustment with adapting to college life again.

Also, he has switched over to part time, but he is still working at the company my husband hooked him up with. They have been really good to him; letting him float and learn different aspects of the business this summer, and have now let him settle into the purchasing department for his part time work. It has been very good for building his self esteem and confidence.

None of this would have been possible if he had not made such positive changes in his life. He is no longer using drugs ! He is no longer drinking ! He has a complete new set of friends (many are from church; he is attending regularly). His attitude about his future has changed and he is actually excited about so many things now.

My husband; who as I stated before was a recreational cocaine user many years ago; believes that since getting off the drugs and booze - the depression is finally starting to lift for him & his true self is surfacing again. It's been a really great thing to witness.

"Our College Man" is still having regular weekly therapy sessions, and the doctor was able to get him to attend a one day seminar for teens and young adults on coping with the loss of a parent. I think during this he was able maybe for the first time to talk about the loss of his dad around people of his own age, and they could relate. He said afterward that it made him feel less alone; and not crazy for his feelings and actions since his dad died.

I so wish his mother would do something like this; she is still in so much pain over the loss of her husband.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update. He is going to face many challenges in the next few months as the pressures of college exams, work, and the anniversary of his fathers death come around.

Please continue to keep him in your prayers

Thanks, for the update Deuce, I am glad things are working out and will pray they continue too I am really glad to hear he is back in school also glad he has went for some grief counseling I have never lost a parent and I am a daddy's "girl" the thought scares me.

Between school, work and activities if he keeps his self busy it will help through those anniversary days without his dad I am going through that now my brothers birthday is coming up and even though it has been 3 years I still start getting anxious a couple of weeks before.

You know, I'm a tough cookie about enableing and co-dependance, but I think that every now and then a helping hand and someone who unconditionally cares, makes a difference in someone's life. And why would a addict be ruled out as being one of those someones? Despite all I have been though with my addicts, and all the praying I have done that seems to no avail at times, I still believe that through God all things are possible and He uses people like you and your husband as instruments.

I just advise you to be careful to keep a boundary not to enable and be alert for manipulation.. But, obviously, you are doing some things right with this young man to posture him for success... Even if it is temporary, any amount of time clean and on the the right track is an investment in recovery.

I would like to send my son over to you. Got any openings? Maybe you should start a sober living house. Seems like you guys have a gift.

You know, I'm a tough cookie about enableing and co-dependance, but I think that every now and then a helping hand and someone who unconditionally cares, makes a difference in someone's life. And why would a addict be ruled out as being one of those someones? Despite all I have been though with my addicts, and all the praying I have done that seems to no avail at times, I still believe that through God all things are possible and He uses people like you and your husband as instruments.

I just advise you to be careful to keep a boundary not to enable and be alert for manipulation.. But, obviously, you are doing some things right with this young man to posture him for success... Even if it is temporary, any amount of time clean and on the the right track is an investment in recovery.

I would like to send my son over to you. Got any openings? Maybe you should start a sober living house. Seems like you guys have a gift.

Duece,

I was widowed suddenly many years ago. One of the books that helped me a lot was "Widow to Widow" and I believe it's still in print. Also, there used to be a nation wide support group also called Widow to Widow. the Mom might want to check it out. I'm not sure of the locations but I bet the social services department of your local hospital can find it. Some hospitals offer a Life Transistions program but in these days of severe budget cuts, I don't know. it's worth looking into, I think. I know it helped me so much.

Love from Lenina

You know I never really thought of it as enabling him; but I guess if you look at the popular definition; dont do anything for an addict that they could do for themselves - then we have. We let him stay in our home for free. My husband helped find him a job through his network of friends, we let him eat dinner with us.

What I really think is that while he was living with his mom; she was suffering from grief and lots of stress over the new visual of her future, and he was hit with grief and started acting out. The dynamics between them were causing lots of stress for both and feeding the frenzy.

I think coming to stay with us gave him some calm because we treated him with respect, and stayed out of his way except for a very few rules required to live with us. But the main thing I think has been that my husband formed a bond with him, and has been viewed sort of like a father figure for these last few months. I think he really just needed some guidance, and to be let alone to figure things out with the help of his therapist.

All of the credit for change so far goes to him.. definetly not us.

Thanks Lenina. I will see if I can find any information on that group, and forward it to his mom. She has tried a couple of things; but says she is very uncomfortable going out and talking in a group setting. It seems like she is still trying to hold all her feeling in; at least in front of others. Its been almost a year now...

((((Duece))) I know how she feels, I think. I really needed counseling specific to bereavement to help settle me. Thank you for helping her through this bad time. The changes that come with widowhood are so hard.

love, Lenina

I have not posted in a while, but wanted to give an update on the young man (“the kid” as I have affectionately called him here). He is still living with us. A while back he offered to pay us a small amount of rent. We accepted it not because we really wanted his money, but he was trying to take responsibility for himself, and show respect to us.

Last time I posted he had managed to sell the motorbike that he bought with swindled money from his mom; tuition for a semester he dropped. He was afraid to ride the bike after he bought it, which in a way is really funny; be careful what you wish for type of thing. But he did sell it, and with the money he earned working this summer he was able to pay this semesters tuition. He is back in college !! It has been two months and no problems with school. He goes regular, seems to be doing good because he has showed us some of his reports and things after they were graded, he seems proud of himself. He also worked his schedule so he is able to continue working part time at the job my husband helped him get right after he came to live with us. He likes it there and he hopes to get a full time job after he graduates. If he does well, then his mom is planning to continue paying for his college tuition as that was something they wanted to do for him.

The other major thing is that he made it through the anniversary of his dads death. That is what started his whole drinking and drugging last year. He went with his mom to the gravesite, and they spent some time together. He did something that I thought was maybe healing. He had been going to see a psych doctor for a long time, he was consistent with that and he still goes. But I guess the therapist had him write down as part of his treatment, things that he was angry with his father about. So the night he came home after being with him mom and at the grave; he took the things he had written and he burned them in a small bonfire in our backyard. I think it was his way of saying he had let go of the anger and found some forgiveness or at least understanding.

He continues to be close to my husband, they are friensds I would say. I am really proud of my husband for stepping up to help his friends son during this really difficult, emotional trying time in his life.

Right now things are well with all of us. “The Kid” is planning to stay with us through the winter semester, and then we will see. He has made a lot of new friends, sober friends. Many are from the church that we go to. He still goes on a regular basis and has been involved with some of the activities that they offer . He has a girlfriend now from the church. She is also a college student, and a year younger than him. I don’t know a lot about their relationship, except that she seems nice, polite. My husband and I met her parents, they also attend the church. The kid’ was worried about how to explain our relationship and his living arrangements to the parents, but he ended up just saying that we were close friends of his dads; that his dad had passed away, and that he was staying with us while going to school. He was actually really stressed out about it, and it was no big deal.

He definitely keeps things interesting and makes me look at things in a different way. I sort of look at him as a little brother now; my husbands little brother. Maybe this is Gods plan to help me and my husband prepare to have our own children one day soon.

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their prayers all these months.

Deuce, thank you for the update. "The Kid" is fortunate to have such a strong support system. I think that you and your husband have provided him with a stable environment without too much enabling. That is always positive for recovering addicts. Too hard to go back home where dysfunctional relationships are hard to break. I too hope when my AS gets out of jail that he finds a support system to help him transition.
Sending happy supportive thoughts to you and your extended family
Hugs,
Teresa

I am glad things are still going good I must admit I was concerned they wouldn't he seems to be committed to his recovery at this time and future I will keep praying.

Wow Deuce - great story! Thanks for sharing.....