Too much free time

Old 07-06-2012, 04:28 AM
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Too much free time

I have been on vacation this week. Free time is not my friend. This week is also the anniversery of nc with my mom. I have been sober 3 yrs and dont work a perfect program but am in intensive therapy for 4 years. My therapist is away this week so I guess I'm just letting it out a little.
One year ago I tried to talk to my mom about my very disfuntional emotionally,physically and sexually abusive childhood. I have 5 siblings who are all in active addiction. My dad is an anger addict and mean as can be. I wasnt looking for an apoligy or anything like that just an acknoledgement that I'm not crazy. Her response was "well everything worked out fine now didnt it" it makes me sad.
So its a year I didnt think it bothered me but here I sit up all night. The rest of my family I could care less about but for some reason this tears me up. Sorry for all the misspells
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Old 07-06-2012, 04:52 AM
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Sweety, I don't think you're crazy. You are not to blame for your past or the affect it has had on you. You are not to blame for your relatives who remain stuck in their problems.

Just for today, why not do something nice for yourself to celebrate finding your own recovery. Take in a meeting, go for a walk in nature and listen carefully as the birds and the breeze tell you their stories and then smile and nod and tell them some of your own.

It's okay to be sad, just don't hang out there too long. The birds and the breeze are waiting for you.

Hugs and Hugs
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Old 07-06-2012, 05:33 AM
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tbeit
my mum never acknowledged mine or my sisters abuse. she was like, at least he lives in another state, or that never would have happened as you would have robbed. it would have been nice to be able to get some acknowledgement and answers, but at the end of the day as long as your happy that you have dealt with it or your progress, then that all that matters. just keep getting through one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
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Old 07-06-2012, 06:52 AM
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Yeah, my mom doesn't get it either. To hear her tell it, she was the best of mothers...conveniently forgetting about her martyr drama ALL THE TIME, smacking us with switches, locking us out of the house, never letting us have our own pain....whatever.

I figured out finally that there was no point wasting time trying to make her "get it" because she probably already "got it", but couldn't admit it to me. That would have been admitting guilt and acknowledging that it wasn't all my dad's fault (who was an a-hole, but never home) that things weren't the best.

The best thing I can say here is first work on getting yourself as well as you can. Go to therapy, treat yourself well, write/journal, stay here on SR. You may never get a chance to make them understand what you went through and you may have to accept that. Remember - LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE.

I hate free time too. My job for some insane reason just gave me 5 unrequested days off in a row and I wasn't really looking forward to that. Too much time on my hands gives me reason to brood, obsess and whine. Not to mention we are on our 6th or 7th day of above 100 degree heat index here in IL....

But yesterday the kids and I went to Goodwill, Cost Plus, Pier One, Taco Bell, HomeGoods, and Five Below. I just now have a car after not having one for almost 10 months and I'm burning rubber! As soon as I get a load of laundry done we are going to Savers, Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel.

So as to the free time thing - can you get out of the house? Maybe just go for a walk or window shopping? I like to go where I know a lot of people will be walking their dogs just so I can pet and spoil them a little before I move on. I don't know exactly where you are located in NY.....?
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Old 07-06-2012, 07:28 AM
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I understand just wanting acknowledgement that things happened. I wanted that for a very long time too. And to some extent my mother did give me some level of acknowledgement but it didn't feel like it was enough. I think it was because I expected her to fully understand my perspective and that was an unrealistic expectation. She could never fully understand things from my point of view.

It took me a VERY long time to let go of the need for that validation. But when I did, it was a HUGE relief. A weight lifted off my shoulders. It was a matter of acceptance for me. It happened. I can't change that. It was real. And I let it go for me. It is not a denial of the past. It is an acceptance that was very freeing.

I agree that too much time on our hands can be confounding.

Do something nice for you today. You deserve it.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:31 AM
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Thank you all. Today seems better I need be very careful about depression because I go real dark. I will be going to the Dr. tomorrow first thing but probably wont be going back on anti-depressants they never work out well and make me crazy. Sorry for going off topic. For today I will but myself first and when my world gets dark I will restart my day. Thanks again it really means something to me to know someone cares enough to reply to my thread
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:38 AM
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I always love reading your posts and seeing your little dancing avatar.

My mom was a workaholic so she didn't have to deal with her feelings and when she had a few days off, by the last days..she always got a little "depressed." It used to break my heart and I vowed never to be that way....I think I have taken it to an extreme though.
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:28 AM
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I don't think that you are off topic at all and I appreciate your sharing. I've done the same thing - looking for some sort of validation for my pain and struggles. I get the "but look at how you turned out today!!!!!".

I've found that the more I'm wanting validation from someone else the more it means that I am not giving to myself from the inside out. I'm finally getting it that all of these things that I want from other people have to come from me - to me. The problem has been.....no one showed me all along the way how to do that and now I'm finally learning.....it's not easy stuff - at all.....

I'm glad that you are feeling a little better....
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Old 07-07-2012, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by lightseeker View Post
The problem has been.....no one showed me all along the way how to do that and now I'm finally learning.....
Totally relate to this. I have referred to myself occasionally as having been raised by wolves...helps me laugh about it, treat myself more gently/compassionately, and reach out for the help I need. All good things.
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:03 AM
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I also have to be careful about having too much free time. I have been reading on SR and posting today, while doing chores around the house. I have also been going to Al-Anon and AA meetings as much as possible this past week, plus therapy and acupuncture. I am doing my best to make sure I am around other people as much as possible, supportive people, not sick people.

I am sorry about your mom, I understand what you are talking about. I have not gone NC with my dad but I do not call him when he is drinking (which is usually always but sometimes he does white-knuckle it for a month or so and it is wonderful to get him back for those short periods). But for the most part, my dad never even acknowledges my existence. Though sometimes when he is sober for an hour or two, like when he first wakes up from having passed out one of his three times per day, he will call me out of the blue to say hi or give me some kind of weather- or house-related advice. There's a tiny sliver of the person still in there somewhere; I just have to take advantage of that when the clouds pass allowing the sun to shine through for brief moments here and there.
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:19 AM
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Just thought a little more about your post and wanted to share something else. It was some time ago, not sure when or why this happened, it was something on Oprah....I remember Oprah saying something like: We all had difficult childhoods, some of us had it much, much worse than others. But now, as adults, we need to forgive our parents for all the "wrongs" of our childhoods because your parents did the best they could possibly do with what they had to work with.

And that was, I think, what started me on the path of looking at my alcoholic dad as a person. No longer just my dad. I saw him as a person with several diseases, including alcoholism, that I had never seen before. Detachment. And all the hurts of my childhood started to slowly melt away. I began to realize that HE did not do these things to me, that all that I suffered was a result of living in a family severely affected by disease. I began to no longer NEED my father to acknowledge my hurts and everything that happened to me. And anyway, he didn't notice it THEN, while it was happening, so what was him acknowledging it NOW going to do? I did not have to live in the past any longer. I could look at me, NOW, in the Present Moment and allow myself to forget the past because no one can change it. Can't turn back time. And so I no longer needed my daddy to fix these things. I no longer needed my dad, the alcoholic, to take the blame for all the problems that each and every one of us had experienced. I began to mature emotionally into a woman, no longer a child. And I could FEEL this happen, I could FEEL myself become more mature. I stood outside myself and saw and heard myself dealing with others with maturity. And I listened to others, including my siblings, and I heard the little children crying out for their parent to alleviate the pain, to take the blame. That is when I began to understand the concept of "Parenting Your Inner Child." And I believe that begins with Acceptance of truth. And we all know, Oprah ALWAYS tells the truth

(((hugs))) much love and understanding coming to you from my heart
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:44 PM
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And that was, I think, what started me on the path of looking at my alcoholic dad as a person. No longer just my dad. I saw him as a person with several diseases, including alcoholism, that I had never seen before. Detachment. And all the hurts of my childhood started to slowly melt away. I began to realize that HE did not do these things to me, that all that I suffered was a result of living in a family severely affected by disease. I began to no longer NEED my father to acknowledge my hurts and everything that happened to me. And anyway, he didn't notice it THEN, while it was happening, so what was him acknowledging it NOW going to do? I did not have to live in the past any longer. I could look at me, NOW, in the Present Moment and allow myself to forget the past because no one can change it. Can't turn back time. And so I no longer needed my daddy to fix these things. I no longer needed my dad, the alcoholic, to take the blame for all the problems that each and every one of us had experienced. I began to mature emotionally into a woman, no longer a child. And I could FEEL this happen, I could FEEL myself become more mature. I stood outside myself and saw and heard myself dealing with others with maturity. And I listened to others, including my siblings, and I heard the little children crying out for their parent to alleviate the pain, to take the blame. That is when I began to understand the concept of "Parenting Your Inner Child." And I believe that begins with Acceptance of truth. And we all know, Oprah ALWAYS tells the truth

L2L I read this over and over it is said wonderfully thank you. I'm not there yet but it is my destination. I want everyone here to know that I learn so much from all of you. I read about the person that said they were raised by wolves and I feel that way also. I have no model to go by.
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by tbeit View Post
L2L I read this over and over it is said wonderfully thank you. I'm not there yet but it is my destination. I want everyone here to know that I learn so much from all of you. I read about the person that said they were raised by wolves and I feel that way also. I have no model to go by.
You are welcome.

A destination is a very good thing to have. You can see that other folks have gotten to a place where you want to be so you know it is possible with you too. I have to tell my brother all the time, because he is just now starting to work on these issues too, at almost 50 years old, to just keep going to Al-Anon meetings and just keep doing your best to work a program, and you will get there too. In your own way, and in your own time. And it will bring you a peace in your heart you did not know could exist.

I also was raised by wolves Though my mother was very nearly a saint. I am so grateful to have had her as my mother. She was a good model in some ways. You take the good you see in others and copy that till you've found what works for you. Fake it till you make it. Meet as many healthy people as you can so that you can see how they do it. The first time I ever met a healthy man, I was probably 32 or 33 years old. I honestly used him as my model for healthy behavior for at least 10 years after that. I still do sometimes. Sometimes when I am struggling with something, I imagine what he would do or say to me and that gives me strength and courage. It's kinda like that saying people have, WWJD?
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:27 PM
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L2L, your comments could have been written by me. thats how i felt too when i realised i had to self soothe and that all the answers, acknowledgements, compassion, forgiveness had to come from within and not from the outside. when you learn this, you no longer are held at ransom to someone else's response to gain some relief from your pain. when you self soothe you get it instantly from the source of the pain, you. for as an adult you can't be hurt by someone, unless you accept what they are saying is on some level true.

i love keeping busy, but just sitting and relaxing listening to some inspiring music or just the sounds of the day or night can be a gift too. keeping busy can distract you from dealing with issues. but i know too that somedays, you just don't want a break from dealing and sorting and throwing out your thoughts.
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