I have to get this off my chest
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 15
I have to get this off my chest
I want to say thank you to everyone on this website. It's been two weeks and I've learned so much about myself and my addict friend. My codie tendencies are so much stronger then I thought. I never knew how much I enabled her or like many thought our relationship was different...thought we were meant to be in each others lives. It is 3 in the morning and all I can do is think of her. I imagine all the signs I ignored and still do. The following is my story. I'm sorry if its long but this is the most anyone knows. I still omitted the examples of her not being a friend to me or the times I was called into fix her mess by others.
I knew my friend all my life but met her randomly one day in December. We hit it off and before you knew it hooked up. I didn't see any track marks or crazy behavior. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks and I thought it was romance. She told me about her family. Her ex abusive husband. Her drug problems. Her non custody of her children and jail time. I met her family and was warned about her but surprisingly her family was receptive as she was very honest with me. My friends warned me about her. Her being with a different guy every night...trying to score drugs. I ignored them all wanting to believe her.
We broke up because she was too busy. I laughed because I knew this wasn't the case and tried to remain friends. I admit I was a scorned person. I saw her get in a relationship and couldn't comprehend what was happening. Jealously was all I saw. Then I see she was engaged and I decided this was enough. After three weeks of NC...yes three weeks past only I was ok to move on. The before V-day I get a message saying I was no friend. She needed me and if I can come see her. I did and she was definitely on something. Tried to sleep with me...I made she she was ok and watched her sleep. Cleaned her apt and left before her boyfriend came to get her for work. Found out the fight was due to him getting heroin for them but saying it was only for her. What is funny is I was her third option, her ex husband and reality where the first two. Bam...like that she was gone. No message saying thank you until I checked in.
Two weeks later I get a call. She needs to see me. She is covered in blood. Her addict BF tried killing himself. We spent all night talking about what she wants in her life. What she feels which she said nothing. The only thing I got a sense of was she appreciated me but why I didnt know. I cleaned her up. She rested then left when he wanted to leave the ER.
Through all of this she opened up to me or so I thought. We would talk more...I think I was seen as an alternative to her current BF. I didn't see her till she was about to be evicted. She needed help cleaning her apartment and no one would help. How naive was I. I went over. We barely did any cleaning when her BF mom calls her. My friend decided she was going out of state to get clean but her BF mom was literally trying to convince her that she had to come back. Her son loved her even though she didn't want him to stay at her house cause of his DOC. Then he calls and my friend wants me to talk to him. I do and am attacked. All he cares about is if I'm going to sleep with her...wtf.
I leave confused and she leaves. She is out of state and I feel relaxed. She is getting help. Only she had to come back. The day she was back we talked...I gave her a bday gift I had gotten for her a while back. I feel asleep as it was late. Missed two calls from her then she disappears. A week later I get the I've been sleeping...catching up on rest lol...ha.I see pics and know she went on a bender. She misses my bday and it changes me. We get in our first fight. I know I'm tired of this. Of her.
Over the next three months she travels from guy to guy. We hang out and have a good time then fight a few days later. All the while she calls me asking for advice. Some she listens to some she doesn't. One day see her with a guy and we look right at each other. I say nothing till I get home and send her a text. She calls me and asks what's wrong. I explain she says I didn't see you then proceeds to ask me to get beer at 3 in the morning for him. Lol yea right. I hang up she calls and calls and then threatens to finish our friendship if I don't talk to her. I say I don't want to be your go to guy anymore. Fixing things...or getting you something. She ends our friendship.
Like the song break the spell I contact her a week later. She's my addiction. We meet and things feel good. She calls me her best friend and I believe. She never gets emotional or talks about deeper stuff. Things are good till we start fighting again. Her impulsive quality affecting us. She told me to be her voice and when I am I get attacked but I push on. She meets a great guy and spends all her time with him. He has money and is a southern gentlemen. I have my doubts. Fast forward he's married, does drugs, uses her for anything and anything. She worked a month and a half for him doing his job so he can sleep and got $200...well that and drugs and almost lost hers.
Finally this month she finds an apartment. Her family doesn't support her. She doesn't come looking for me. I feel free but worry sets in. What's wrong? She's not here. Is she ok. I get small text. She went to the ER for a sprained shoulder. Three weeks have passed and I saw her once. We went out to eat. She met a new guy. Older with no vices. Her landlord. I'm like oh boy. I see her apartment. She hasn't stayed there yet. Been staying with this guy. She doesn't need my emotional support. He seems to have that covered and is successful and honestly cares about her. She was drunk maybe something else and is honest and says the guy is falling for someone she isn't. I said its cause that's the imagine you wanted to show him and you are lying. Tell him the truth. He will probably still accept you and honestly try to help you. I said you know the landlord thing looks bad...bam immediate attack so I know its probably true. After that she left. I imagine to fuel her urges and has been ignoring me/busy all this time.
***Ok thank you for allowing me to post all of this. This is the most I've told anyone about her but I can't keep it in anymore. I know I have to get away. This is my chance and yet I don't want to. I love her. Even knowing she doesn't love. Even while reading this over and knowing the heartache. I didn't reach out to her today and am hopeing to make it two days tomorrow. We arent fb friends anymore. This should be it...right?***
I knew my friend all my life but met her randomly one day in December. We hit it off and before you knew it hooked up. I didn't see any track marks or crazy behavior. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks and I thought it was romance. She told me about her family. Her ex abusive husband. Her drug problems. Her non custody of her children and jail time. I met her family and was warned about her but surprisingly her family was receptive as she was very honest with me. My friends warned me about her. Her being with a different guy every night...trying to score drugs. I ignored them all wanting to believe her.
We broke up because she was too busy. I laughed because I knew this wasn't the case and tried to remain friends. I admit I was a scorned person. I saw her get in a relationship and couldn't comprehend what was happening. Jealously was all I saw. Then I see she was engaged and I decided this was enough. After three weeks of NC...yes three weeks past only I was ok to move on. The before V-day I get a message saying I was no friend. She needed me and if I can come see her. I did and she was definitely on something. Tried to sleep with me...I made she she was ok and watched her sleep. Cleaned her apt and left before her boyfriend came to get her for work. Found out the fight was due to him getting heroin for them but saying it was only for her. What is funny is I was her third option, her ex husband and reality where the first two. Bam...like that she was gone. No message saying thank you until I checked in.
Two weeks later I get a call. She needs to see me. She is covered in blood. Her addict BF tried killing himself. We spent all night talking about what she wants in her life. What she feels which she said nothing. The only thing I got a sense of was she appreciated me but why I didnt know. I cleaned her up. She rested then left when he wanted to leave the ER.
Through all of this she opened up to me or so I thought. We would talk more...I think I was seen as an alternative to her current BF. I didn't see her till she was about to be evicted. She needed help cleaning her apartment and no one would help. How naive was I. I went over. We barely did any cleaning when her BF mom calls her. My friend decided she was going out of state to get clean but her BF mom was literally trying to convince her that she had to come back. Her son loved her even though she didn't want him to stay at her house cause of his DOC. Then he calls and my friend wants me to talk to him. I do and am attacked. All he cares about is if I'm going to sleep with her...wtf.
I leave confused and she leaves. She is out of state and I feel relaxed. She is getting help. Only she had to come back. The day she was back we talked...I gave her a bday gift I had gotten for her a while back. I feel asleep as it was late. Missed two calls from her then she disappears. A week later I get the I've been sleeping...catching up on rest lol...ha.I see pics and know she went on a bender. She misses my bday and it changes me. We get in our first fight. I know I'm tired of this. Of her.
Over the next three months she travels from guy to guy. We hang out and have a good time then fight a few days later. All the while she calls me asking for advice. Some she listens to some she doesn't. One day see her with a guy and we look right at each other. I say nothing till I get home and send her a text. She calls me and asks what's wrong. I explain she says I didn't see you then proceeds to ask me to get beer at 3 in the morning for him. Lol yea right. I hang up she calls and calls and then threatens to finish our friendship if I don't talk to her. I say I don't want to be your go to guy anymore. Fixing things...or getting you something. She ends our friendship.
Like the song break the spell I contact her a week later. She's my addiction. We meet and things feel good. She calls me her best friend and I believe. She never gets emotional or talks about deeper stuff. Things are good till we start fighting again. Her impulsive quality affecting us. She told me to be her voice and when I am I get attacked but I push on. She meets a great guy and spends all her time with him. He has money and is a southern gentlemen. I have my doubts. Fast forward he's married, does drugs, uses her for anything and anything. She worked a month and a half for him doing his job so he can sleep and got $200...well that and drugs and almost lost hers.
Finally this month she finds an apartment. Her family doesn't support her. She doesn't come looking for me. I feel free but worry sets in. What's wrong? She's not here. Is she ok. I get small text. She went to the ER for a sprained shoulder. Three weeks have passed and I saw her once. We went out to eat. She met a new guy. Older with no vices. Her landlord. I'm like oh boy. I see her apartment. She hasn't stayed there yet. Been staying with this guy. She doesn't need my emotional support. He seems to have that covered and is successful and honestly cares about her. She was drunk maybe something else and is honest and says the guy is falling for someone she isn't. I said its cause that's the imagine you wanted to show him and you are lying. Tell him the truth. He will probably still accept you and honestly try to help you. I said you know the landlord thing looks bad...bam immediate attack so I know its probably true. After that she left. I imagine to fuel her urges and has been ignoring me/busy all this time.
***Ok thank you for allowing me to post all of this. This is the most I've told anyone about her but I can't keep it in anymore. I know I have to get away. This is my chance and yet I don't want to. I love her. Even knowing she doesn't love. Even while reading this over and knowing the heartache. I didn't reach out to her today and am hopeing to make it two days tomorrow. We arent fb friends anymore. This should be it...right?***
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't know if this is it for you or not. It is crazy-making for sure. Their lives are chaotic and full of problems, problem after problem. You'll know "this is it" when you have reached your bottom. Like them, we don't reach out for help until our lives have become so unmanageable that we feel that we will die. I'll ask you what my therapist asked me, does everyone you get involved with romantically need to be rescued?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
PS You cannot have a normal, healthy relationship with an addict. You may continue to love her despite the pain and being used and feeling horrible because you see she needs love. But the way I look at it is, you cannot give her the love she needs; she needs to seek the love of her Higher Power. It is the only way I know of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Sounds like the typical Mr. Toads wild ride, we are hanging on the back hoping the passenger will get off. Sadly, that is not the case most the time.
I hope you find peace and start to understand the dynamics. She is not going to change her behaviors for ANYONE. No contact will help you and it isn't easy. Have you looked into either Naranon or Alanon meetings?
I hope you find peace and start to understand the dynamics. She is not going to change her behaviors for ANYONE. No contact will help you and it isn't easy. Have you looked into either Naranon or Alanon meetings?
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