Anger Issues
Just Keep Swimming
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
Anger Issues
I have anger issues. I always have. I have been working very hard on keeping my anger in check over the past year since I stopped focusing on my AH's problems and started taking care of myself. I used to yell and scream a lot (ok, I still do sometimes.) I used to spank the kids out of anger - I have stopped doing that.
My 10 year old daughter is heading down a bleak path with her anger issues, which I'm sure she learned from me
and probably have something to do with her AF as well. Yesterday her AF (my AH, from whom I am separated) was supposed to come over and didn't show up. Last night her brother (9 years old) did something that bothered her and she clocked him right in the face. She is tiny, and he is much bigger than her but she did some damage. He has a very fat lip and bruised gums...one tooth is particularly bloody and I'm hoping it's ok as it is an adult tooth. She immediately felt remorse, said it was an accident, and clearly felt horrible. My son did not react to her at all, just cried and ran to me and was clearly hurt (physically and emotionally). They have a counseling appointment this evening, and I told her she MUST talk to the counselor about it. She doesn't want to, but I told her it's not optional.
I am really worried about her anger. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with anger issues, particularly in children?
I'm also worried about my son. She bullies him regularly, and he just takes it. He's so sweet and forgiving. It almost seems impossible that the two have the same parents!
My 10 year old daughter is heading down a bleak path with her anger issues, which I'm sure she learned from me
and probably have something to do with her AF as well. Yesterday her AF (my AH, from whom I am separated) was supposed to come over and didn't show up. Last night her brother (9 years old) did something that bothered her and she clocked him right in the face. She is tiny, and he is much bigger than her but she did some damage. He has a very fat lip and bruised gums...one tooth is particularly bloody and I'm hoping it's ok as it is an adult tooth. She immediately felt remorse, said it was an accident, and clearly felt horrible. My son did not react to her at all, just cried and ran to me and was clearly hurt (physically and emotionally). They have a counseling appointment this evening, and I told her she MUST talk to the counselor about it. She doesn't want to, but I told her it's not optional.I am really worried about her anger. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with anger issues, particularly in children?
I'm also worried about my son. She bullies him regularly, and he just takes it. He's so sweet and forgiving. It almost seems impossible that the two have the same parents!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Anger is a big one we all deal with, and it is hard enough for us adults but since you are seeking advice on a child I think the counselor would be the best for that. but here are some things to think about, maybe discuss with your children.
anger is an emotion, and is part of the grieving process.
sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance...
in no particular order
anger is a sign of a crossed boundary
explore it, learn from it/what is it telling you? what boundary is violated?
who allowed the violation?
anger at self can be hidden in anger at others. be gentle with the anger (ironic I know)
it is your spirit speaking to you.
Dalai Lama;
"When we are angry we are blind to reality. Anger may bring us a temporary burst of energy, but that energy is blind and it blocks the part of our brain that distinguishes right from wrong. To deal with our problems, we need to be practical and realistic. If we are to be realistic, we need to use our human intelligence properly, which means we need a calm mind."
We teach by example, Keep woking on you.
anger is an emotion, and is part of the grieving process.
sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance...
in no particular order
anger is a sign of a crossed boundary
explore it, learn from it/what is it telling you? what boundary is violated?
who allowed the violation?
anger at self can be hidden in anger at others. be gentle with the anger (ironic I know)
it is your spirit speaking to you.
Dalai Lama;
"When we are angry we are blind to reality. Anger may bring us a temporary burst of energy, but that energy is blind and it blocks the part of our brain that distinguishes right from wrong. To deal with our problems, we need to be practical and realistic. If we are to be realistic, we need to use our human intelligence properly, which means we need a calm mind."
We teach by example, Keep woking on you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Children generally learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them at home. No show dads often cause kids to feel unworthy of their dad's love and attention. Some become aggressive and some retreat.
Have you considered family counselling for you and the kids to relearn how to cope with stuff?
Is dad paying child support?
Have you considered family counselling for you and the kids to relearn how to cope with stuff?
Is dad paying child support?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When I first started therapy - my standard answer was "I am angry." My therapist made me identify what was under the anger. (peeling the onion) Often times, I was really hurt, disappointed, felt betrayed, scared, etc.
Then I was taught - when I got angry to STOP (picture a stop sign or red flag) and number the anger feeling on a scale of 1-10. Until I could get my angry feelings under control, I agreed I would not speak, type (email or text) or doing any actions (except walk). After I was back in control, I needed to identify the real feeling and process through it. I am much better now...but I am still a work in progress. To be honest, feeling hurt or sad, etc. was much better then feeling angry.
Feeling angry is ok, but it's what we do with it that counts.
I hope this all make sense.
Then I was taught - when I got angry to STOP (picture a stop sign or red flag) and number the anger feeling on a scale of 1-10. Until I could get my angry feelings under control, I agreed I would not speak, type (email or text) or doing any actions (except walk). After I was back in control, I needed to identify the real feeling and process through it. I am much better now...but I am still a work in progress. To be honest, feeling hurt or sad, etc. was much better then feeling angry.
Feeling angry is ok, but it's what we do with it that counts.
I hope this all make sense.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
My son is 4, and has anger issues. Thankfully he saves it just for me. I think it is part of his temperment coombined with the fact that daddy abandoned us and is a a total addict deadbeat.
I, too, am worried. In fact, he just had a major tantrum a couple hours ago...throwing, pulling hair and basically just out of control. When he gets like this I have to literally hold him until he calms down for fear of what he will throw and break. What am I doing besides wanting to kick my x and being anxious over his future?
1. When he gets angry and hits/throws I. Hold him down until he calms down. And, I stay calm.
2. Play therapy...I have discovered his perspective on things from watching him play. They act out their emotions.
3. When he is calm I discuss that he may not hit ever or throw. I discuss that he needs to control his emotions and we try to come up with a way to do this (example: go to another room and calm down)
Also, I discuss he may not control me with his anger and that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I discuss that our house is a house that is peaceful, kind and loving. I keep it very simple. I am very stren. And I never call him names. I always forgive, and I try not to ever yell. I try to stay calm.
Also, we don't want to hurt their self esteem. They feel bad afterwards.
4. I am consistant. I have to repeat my expectations and rules many many times, but I will not give up. He will not ever think he can act this way.
5. Consequences are important. There should be consequences for their actions. And if you take something away, do not give it back early ever.
6. Personal stories. We were at the post office the other day, and I was about to explode. I coped, but when we got in the car I told my son I was frustrated. And HE said "wow, mommy you were mad but you didn't throw" great observation! So, I used this experience as a story. Yes, mommy was mad because of x, y and z BUT did you see me...and this lead to a discussion.
7. Here is a book: Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour:Amazon:Books
Also, he is attending private school in august. This school I think will really help his aggression becauseit is so warm and loving. I think 1 on 1 time with your daughter would do great. You never know when they will open up, but you want to give them opportunities when possible. And therapy. Right now we are doing play therapy, but when he gets older I am sure it will be needed. Also, nutrition is sooooooo important....what is she eating? Is she getting enough sleep? What is she watching on tv/movies? Are the virdeo games violent? We actually don't watch any tv because it can be just so violent and inapproriate for children. Also, are her friends good influences?
Maybe each night tuck her into bed and tell her a story with a lesson you feel she needs to hear or a conflict that you work out the right way in the story. Just make it up to fit your needs.
Make sure her teachers are informed and can help give you guidance. Maybe even utilize the school counselor. Maybe get her involved in an activity to exert her anger...karate? And books..find books she can read that can help her relate...judy blume...read with her and discuss certain parts.
She keep trying. Don't give up. And don't allow her to think her anger is acceptable. I am sooooooo anxious over my sons anger issues. I have been in tears over it. Especially when he is so innocent and doesn't deserve to be abanoned and treated like this. But this is life. And it is our job to teach them how to cope with what god has given us. I want my son to lead a healthy and productive life. And I will do everythijng I can to ensure it. Will it happen? Who knows, but I gave it my all. Is it hard? OMG yes. My son has given me gray hair and wrinkles!
I, too, am worried. In fact, he just had a major tantrum a couple hours ago...throwing, pulling hair and basically just out of control. When he gets like this I have to literally hold him until he calms down for fear of what he will throw and break. What am I doing besides wanting to kick my x and being anxious over his future?
1. When he gets angry and hits/throws I. Hold him down until he calms down. And, I stay calm.
2. Play therapy...I have discovered his perspective on things from watching him play. They act out their emotions.
3. When he is calm I discuss that he may not hit ever or throw. I discuss that he needs to control his emotions and we try to come up with a way to do this (example: go to another room and calm down)
Also, I discuss he may not control me with his anger and that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I discuss that our house is a house that is peaceful, kind and loving. I keep it very simple. I am very stren. And I never call him names. I always forgive, and I try not to ever yell. I try to stay calm.
Also, we don't want to hurt their self esteem. They feel bad afterwards.
4. I am consistant. I have to repeat my expectations and rules many many times, but I will not give up. He will not ever think he can act this way.
5. Consequences are important. There should be consequences for their actions. And if you take something away, do not give it back early ever.
6. Personal stories. We were at the post office the other day, and I was about to explode. I coped, but when we got in the car I told my son I was frustrated. And HE said "wow, mommy you were mad but you didn't throw" great observation! So, I used this experience as a story. Yes, mommy was mad because of x, y and z BUT did you see me...and this lead to a discussion.
7. Here is a book: Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour:Amazon:Books
Also, he is attending private school in august. This school I think will really help his aggression becauseit is so warm and loving. I think 1 on 1 time with your daughter would do great. You never know when they will open up, but you want to give them opportunities when possible. And therapy. Right now we are doing play therapy, but when he gets older I am sure it will be needed. Also, nutrition is sooooooo important....what is she eating? Is she getting enough sleep? What is she watching on tv/movies? Are the virdeo games violent? We actually don't watch any tv because it can be just so violent and inapproriate for children. Also, are her friends good influences?
Maybe each night tuck her into bed and tell her a story with a lesson you feel she needs to hear or a conflict that you work out the right way in the story. Just make it up to fit your needs.
Make sure her teachers are informed and can help give you guidance. Maybe even utilize the school counselor. Maybe get her involved in an activity to exert her anger...karate? And books..find books she can read that can help her relate...judy blume...read with her and discuss certain parts.
She keep trying. Don't give up. And don't allow her to think her anger is acceptable. I am sooooooo anxious over my sons anger issues. I have been in tears over it. Especially when he is so innocent and doesn't deserve to be abanoned and treated like this. But this is life. And it is our job to teach them how to cope with what god has given us. I want my son to lead a healthy and productive life. And I will do everythijng I can to ensure it. Will it happen? Who knows, but I gave it my all. Is it hard? OMG yes. My son has given me gray hair and wrinkles!
Just Keep Swimming
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
I agree. I tell my daughter it's ok to get mad, it's not ok to punch someone. We have been working on taking "cool off" periods but some days are better than others. We do see a family counselor.
Dad is paying child support and is possibly in recovery...going to NA and substance abuse counseling...Im just not sure yet if it's real or if he's just going through the motions because he wants to come home. There are still a lot of maturity issues.
The counselor suggested we make an 'anger box' - take my daughter to the dollar store and let her fill a shoe box with whatever she thinks may be helpful when she gets angry. Then when she gets angry I can direct her to her anger box. We are going to try this and continue talking.
I never thought about anger as part of the greiving process. That makes sense...i will read more about that.
Dad is paying child support and is possibly in recovery...going to NA and substance abuse counseling...Im just not sure yet if it's real or if he's just going through the motions because he wants to come home. There are still a lot of maturity issues.
The counselor suggested we make an 'anger box' - take my daughter to the dollar store and let her fill a shoe box with whatever she thinks may be helpful when she gets angry. Then when she gets angry I can direct her to her anger box. We are going to try this and continue talking.
I never thought about anger as part of the greiving process. That makes sense...i will read more about that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I have no help on major anger issues, but with regular grade tantrums with kids, what works for me is to stop everything for a moment, act really intensely concerned and look them right in the eye and recognise their feelings. Saying something like "holy moly, you are so upset right now! this is terrible! you were really really mad when .... ! and it makes me really sad to see you so upset! can I please give you a hug because I wish I could make it all better, even if I can't!" The exclamations are to show the emotional emphasis in how the words are said- its important that you genuinely show concern and take the feelings seriously, even when obviously they are being blown out of proportion. In my experience, when a child feels heard by your identifying their problem, it goes a very long way to calming them down. you don't necessarily have to fix anything, just identify the problem or even just the emotion that is so strong its overwhelming them, so they know they've been heard, and they feel your love reaching out.
You already said you stay calm, so A+ with that. I think that its really key to show them how to get calm by being that way yourself.
Now, if I could just follow that same advice when having an argument with my recovering A. For some reason I have no trouble dropping my own anger to reach out to my daughter when she has a meltdown, but I never manage that level of logic or maturity with my man.
You already said you stay calm, so A+ with that. I think that its really key to show them how to get calm by being that way yourself.
Now, if I could just follow that same advice when having an argument with my recovering A. For some reason I have no trouble dropping my own anger to reach out to my daughter when she has a meltdown, but I never manage that level of logic or maturity with my man.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Anger...oh, man...
I've had to learn how to dial it back. In the not-so-distant past when I got really ticked off, I would become vicious and cruel.
Oddly enough, when I was at an Al Anon meeting one night, one of the guys said he learned, you can't fight anger with anger, nor can you fight hate with hate...you can only fight those with love...
...and then something clicked. If I allow myself to get angry to the point where I'm vicious, then I'm making a choice to feed that anger. Since then, I've dialed back my anger significantly. Even in the face of my AXGF texting me that she slept with two other men while she was living with me (each confession followed by a
), I didn't lash out. I merely texted back "Goodbye. God Bless."
She pulled something about a month after our breakup, and one of my closest friends got extremely upset about it. Extremely angry. He literally wanted to hurt her. And I was able to calm him down.
Matt Damon had a line in Esquire magazine that I thought was great. He said the lowest form of misery was having hate in your heart. And that what I told my friend. That's what I remember when I start ruminating about my AXGF betraying me so brutally. I don't feed the anger. I sit with it, acknowledge it, and continue on my way.
It takes practice. It takes work. And in the face of betrayal, I kept my cool.
ZoSo
I've had to learn how to dial it back. In the not-so-distant past when I got really ticked off, I would become vicious and cruel.
Oddly enough, when I was at an Al Anon meeting one night, one of the guys said he learned, you can't fight anger with anger, nor can you fight hate with hate...you can only fight those with love...
...and then something clicked. If I allow myself to get angry to the point where I'm vicious, then I'm making a choice to feed that anger. Since then, I've dialed back my anger significantly. Even in the face of my AXGF texting me that she slept with two other men while she was living with me (each confession followed by a
), I didn't lash out. I merely texted back "Goodbye. God Bless."She pulled something about a month after our breakup, and one of my closest friends got extremely upset about it. Extremely angry. He literally wanted to hurt her. And I was able to calm him down.
Matt Damon had a line in Esquire magazine that I thought was great. He said the lowest form of misery was having hate in your heart. And that what I told my friend. That's what I remember when I start ruminating about my AXGF betraying me so brutally. I don't feed the anger. I sit with it, acknowledge it, and continue on my way.
It takes practice. It takes work. And in the face of betrayal, I kept my cool.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have had anger issues. Not as much anymore though. I identified that I get angry when I'm afraid. Fear is an anger trigger for me. Loss of control is another issue that caused anger. I think identifying the root cause of anger is a good step toward overcoming it.
I think it's great that you have her in counseling so that she can address the issue with a professional. You are a good Mom!
gentle hugs
ke
I think it's great that you have her in counseling so that she can address the issue with a professional. You are a good Mom!
gentle hugs
ke
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: middletown ohio
Posts: 38
It sounds like the family needs to go to anger management;
I have anger issue but just yelling but immediately I have remorse
and say I am sorry. We have to pray and trust the Power Greater
then we are.
I have anger issue but just yelling but immediately I have remorse
and say I am sorry. We have to pray and trust the Power Greater
then we are.
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