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Is there ever hope of a loving relationship

Old 07-06-2012, 03:40 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Losing yourself is something you do NOT wanna do I lost myself for so long and am just finding me and guess what I am not with my AH, after 31 years I have no freaking clue who I am. I thought I could love him enough, make him see, yeah right no one's addict is special
an addict is an addict is an addict.

Your child should be put first which means run like H3ll
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Old 07-06-2012, 03:57 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Lara, first of all I am truly sorry for what you are going through. recovery is a tricky process. I have a good friend whom on a normal basis now in my life I would not associate with but we have been friends for decades. he is a former alcoholic and cocaine user. I walked away from him many years ago when he was bad addicted and drunk. he has been completely sober from EVERYTHING for almost 20 years but his recovery was not pretty. he was extremely nasty to me during his recovery and we did not speak for two years during it.

Relationships are hard to endure if one is truly trying to recover. they must put their recovery on priority and relationships can hinder that and cloud that. Any stress might induce the need to use. I do wish you and him luck but unfortunately this is one of the many reasons I cannot deal with addicts. They must be the center of the universe because they cannot cope and deal with life and feelings and those that support them suffer greatly. I would not pressure him, i would give him his space, it might be the best thing for you especially if he is just going to relapse. remember as said before addicts cannot cope with the real world and people often become objects to them unfortunately most everything is about them, sad but true, so don't lose yourself!
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Old 07-06-2012, 08:29 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Lara,
I'm glad my words helped but need to postscript my post, for I did not mean for them to fill you "with hope."

Because a recovering addict is someone who has at least two and, even better, three years of continuous clean time, demonstrating over that time the ability to be accountable for every aspect of his life and demonstrating in action--not merely words--the commitment to move away from self-centeredness and lies to service and honesty. He treats people with respect and equality, he makes immediate amends for any daily missteps and he makes deeper amends to specific individuals for the wreckage of his past. He is able to communicate his feelings and does not run away or blow up when relationship issues have to be worked through. He does not disappear. He follows some daily program of recovery. He does not substitute addictions by engaging in infidelities or compulsive use of porn, or compulsive workaholism, or compulsive risk-taking or compulsive physical workouts. If he has medical issues, he addresses them. If he has mental issues, he takes responsibility for their treatment. He is a trustworthy person, he is dependable, and he does not create crisis just to feel a rush.

Lara, it's going to be a long time for your abf to be a recovering addict. Right now, with the disappearing and the screaming and the blame-shifting, he is not a recovering addict. He may be clean--many of us are in doubt--but he is not a longtime recovering addict, and it is that kind of recovery I had in mind when I wrote my post.

In fact, if a woman asked me if she should be in relationship with anyone newly clean and sober and just starting a recovery program, my answer would always be "no."

If a woman asked the same, but the addict had three years' good recovery, I would suggest she date him casually, no sex, no drama, no commitment, for 6 months and see how consistent his behavior and moods are.

I would also ask her how solid is her self-esteem and her independence. I would ask her if she had a painful childhood--particularly addiction in a parent or abandonment--and I would ask her if she has done her work around that, work that takes a long time. If she had not done her work, and if she has shaky self-esteem which could be destroyed by the cruelty of an addict in relapse, I would tell her she's not ready to be the partner of a longtime recovering addict.

I just needed to clarify.

I married a man who I did not know was an alcoholic. My boy was 5 years old, just as yours is. Lara, how I wish now I could go back and do it all over. How I wish.

We stayed two years. The marriage lasted two years. It took me a whole year to realize he could not control his drinking. And another year to try to get him to stop. Nothing worked. Nothing we do makes an addict stop.

My son and I went from a quiet, sweet life into two years of instability, painful emotions, fear. I took my little boy to a doctor during that time because my son was having trouble going to sleep. The doctor diagnosed him with "chronic anxiety." He told me to give him an antihistamine at bedtime. The doctor never thought to ask why there might be anxiety. And I never even made the connection. I was so lost and had no knowledge of addiction and I kept thinking I could manage, could control, could plead my husband into sobriety.

My son is grown now. I have apologized to him for the choice I made back then. He has been kind. But I will never stop regretting that two precious years of his childhood were spent in a family living under the shadow and dread of addiction.

Your son needs stability, Lara. He will not have it, if you stay in relationship with this man. If you cannot give this man up, then meet him out somewhere, away from your son, and have the relationship in private, until your head is clearer and you can decide what you are going to do. Do not marry him to prove you love him. And my God, do use protection during intercourse. Not just birth control. Condoms are essential. Drug addicts have secrets. Especially when the drug of choice is cocaine.
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:41 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Lara,

When I met my boyfriend he was only a few months clean from cocaine, and we were still able to form a strong foundation built on honesty, trust, respect, silliness, and love.

In our case, We did not adhere to the by the book guidelines that some people strictly follow. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that if you subscribe to it, but in reality it is my belief that all things cannot be measured by a timeline: one year for this, must be two years for that, and so on, and so on.

I think what worked in our favor was the fact that my boyfriend took responsibility for his own self care, and he did whatever he needed to do in order to build himself up, and prevent a slip. My boyfriend didn’t follow any defined recovery method, but he did work with a doctor on a weekly basis for a long time.

I think the trap that a lot of couples fall into is that somehow the relationship becomes a threesome. Me, You, and Your addiction. The recovery from addiction gets so much attention, its gets bigger and bigger like a snowball rolling downhill. All the normal things in the relationship get obscured by worry about his addiction, his recovery; and the whole dynamic changes to something less .

I fell into that a little bit in the beginning, but I was fortunate to have a fairly solid life that had been defined before we had met. Family, career, friends, hobbies; and that allowed me to focus on something else whenever I would worry.

In the beginning I read a lot about addiction, recovery, methods of recovery, varying opinions and views, codependency, and all of it. But again, it became a snowball rolling downhill and picked up a momentum of its own, and that wasn’t right for me personally. I just had to stop and make a snowman out of everything I had accumulated and say this is enough.

I was never one to have my emotional bags packed and ready to go, because to me that would have kept a barrier between us and it just wasn’t what I wanted. I also did not establish any boundaries because I felt that I would have to feel my way through if he should happen to relapse for example.

To me a relapse could take on many forms and each would have to be evaluated individually. For example, a few lines one night, swapping drugs and popping oxy pills, disappearing for a week on a coke binge, or hiding ongoing use form months from me. Too hard for me to create all these detailed boundaries regarding what if……

My boyfriend is now my husband, and we have been married 4 years. He did in fact have a relapse during our first year together. It was short lived and he got himself right back on track and I think actually used it as a learning experience. I will note however, that when he first relapsed he pulled away from me and I could feel it. He did it because he was hurting and he wasn’t ready to share it with me, and he did it because he wanted to get control before he let me in on it. At the time it hurt, but later I had a better understanding of how raw his emotions were at that time, and that hurt healed.

We are still very much in love, and have a great marriage based on trust, respect, silliness. But now it also has a bit more depth to it because of all we have been through.

Based on what you posted, I only have a couple suggestions. use this time apart to think about what you want and need. And use it to have fun also and do things that are totally unrelated to addiction or codependency. Nurture yourself.

Some people have said that your boyfriends attitude and pulling back are signs of not potential relapse, but a full blown relapse; its possible. Another thing that seems common and I don’t know if it is applicable; does he have a sponsor through AA that is encouraging him to take a break and focus on himself? I read that often on SR and no one has mentioned it here yet. (Seems they have a rule pn the books about no relationship for a year or some such thing.)

I hope things turn out well for both of you.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:24 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Dear Bobcat I really do 'HEAR' you and I listened to your words....I am not moving countries to be with him - where he lives, is where my work is based and I have lived between my 'home country South Africa' and this other country for 18 years - since I was a young person...what I am saying, is that I am so grateful to have joined this SR - as I hopefully, God willing, will be adequately prepared, and would have sorted out MYSELF, in order to live in the same country as H - and not be pulled into this 'b...s...t of a relationship'. I am going to give myself enough time and therapy and whatever it takes to get myself out of this in one piece!!! I will NEVER sacrifice my son's life. I grew up in an alcoholic home and am only too painfully aware of the results......
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:42 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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i just wish you luck in whatever decisions you make. remember you and your sons needs come before ANYONE else's.
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:04 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Hi Bobcat. Firstly I do appreciate the time you take to respond to me and I believe a genuine concern to rescue someone like me by sharing your experience and lessons. I truly respect this and your blunt honesty. I am learning fast that here on SR there is no room for ‘sugar coating’ and no point taking ‘offence’ to members comments – as everyone here is just trying to support and encourage with sharing the truth – not matter how hard hitting. So if you could just bare with me a little whilst I ‘absorb’ all of the information.
You made a few statements, based obviously on your experience, and I know your intention is to educate. But there were a few gross inaccuracies – I know there is no time to ‘take offence’ but I feel I need to clarify a few points about my son, H and me and this ‘other country’. I don’t think always necessary to have to go into all the history – but in my case it seems to be – especially in reference to your last post.
Firstly, H lives a 4 hour plane trip away in Kenya. H and I first met 20 years ago when I was 18 years old. My business is in Kenya, I have a home there & friends. Kenya is my second home. So when I say I am moving to Kenya – it is not for H – but for business reasons, and where most of my friends live.
Secondly, H has been an incredible support to me and my family. I knew him before his addiction (which in a way makes it harder). I think we fell in love about 10 years ago. But under huge pressure from both families not to commit to each other as we come from different cultures, religions blah blah. So we ‘decided’ to walk away from a relationship. I then met my husband. Everyone happy as we ‘came from the same background’. I married my husband 8 years ago. A disaster. Nothing in common. We separated almost a year later. And divorced. I then based myself in Kenya. H and I then started seeing each other again.
Then I lost my brother in a car crash and my dad died (all within a year). My world fell apart and I went back to South Africa. But continued travelling between the two countries and seeing H every 3 weeks or so. But we decided it was not fair to ‘commit’ as I did not know where I wanted to base myself. (when you asked if I had been with anyone else – I answered ‘No’ as in ‘No’ only H) and then I did the MOST stupid thing – I had a ‘one night’ stand with my ex-husband and my son was conceived. And NO this was not because I was using him to fall pregnant – it was an accident – I was not ready for children. But thank God – as I have this beautiful little boy (who is actually 4 yrs, 6 months). I obviously told H about it – and he said he would support me – which he did. I never went back to my ex. I have been a single parent and do everything for my son. My son travels frequently to Kenya with me. H is a loving, caring person to my son. But in no way will I expose my son to H’s addiction. I maintain a very good relationship with my ex. He and my son are very close. H only became an addict in 2007/2008. I withdrew hugely from his life. I have debated ever considering a serious relationship with him for years - because of my son. And this is why I have joined SR – and I have openly said how ignorant I have been to addiction. I have heard you all – and only as a result of SR – do I know think, that with all the love and good intentions in the world – that a future with H (especially considering my son) is NOT possible.
But it is so difficult as at the end of the day the decision is up to me – and you get so many mixed answers on SR. But a few critical points made by most (which I had not considered-you could say I was in DENIAL - before joining SR) is:
An addict is ALWAYS an addict and the addiction or recovery will always come first.
That a relapse is more than likely
That no matter how much I love and support – I cannot do thing to help the addict. And that loving too much usually equals CODEPENCY
That to introduce my son to this life is grossly unfair – he did not chose this – and that it would be a life of instability for my son and for me.

Thank you all.
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:12 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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HI KnBlueskies...thank you for your comments...so good to read a positive story. This SR is a mindfield of information - and so difficult at times because of course we only wish all comments are positive like yours - but the truth seems that in most instances, addiction destroys people and relationships, and from reading others comments to me - it seems a loving long term relationship is very very rare. You are blessed - and I am so happy for you! It is interesting that you are the only person commenting on the rule of first year recovery - which don't recommend an intimate relationship. Yes, this is exactly what his sponsor says! I hope you are well and thank you for your support. May I ask, why are you still with SR- just to offer support to others? Or do you feel you still need it? How many years was your husband an addict for? I have been told that there is hope for H as he started cocaine when he was 35 - and then quit after rehab 4 years later - I believe it's easier to have long term recovery if you started as an older person?? Not sure
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:17 AM
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(((((Lara)))))

I have been following your thread with interest.

I am a long time RA and also long time co dependent in recovery.

You have quite the dilemma going on here, and I understand your confusion
as you apparently have not dealt with addiction before.

You asked:

I believe it's easier to have long term recovery if you started as an older
person?? Not sure
Nope, it does not make a difference. Once the 'addiction' gene whatever you want
to call it is triggered, long term recovery becomes a very heavy chore for all of us.

As you continue to garner information you will see that no matter the 'chemical'
drugs or alcohol, there are changes in the brain. Which in turn means changes
in 'thinking.' Now recovery is partially over a long term growing new pathways
in the brain for those that have been destroyed. And that takes time, lots of
time.

Besides that, it is about leaning new habits and ways of behaving. To this day,
with 31+ years of living sober and clean under my belt, if I get truly stressed
about something, or life throws me a bad curve ball, the first thought, and yes
it is just a thought that I do not have to act on, but the first thought will be of
getting a drink and some blow.

Why?

Because that was my solution to EVERYTHING. That was the way I used to deal.
Get numb. And yes it is just a FLEETING thought and is gone. However, there
is NO GUARANTEE that one of these times I might not act on that thought.

I have seen it happen to people with a few years of recovery all the way up to
folks with more recovery than I have. It CAN and DOES HAPPEN.

I am very happy for Blueskies that so far their relationship is working! How-
ever, her story is one in several hundred. Most end with permanet separation.
After the non A strats working on themselves and starts to see what and why
in them drew them to an A, and they work on becoming the person they want
to be, the A is no longer an attraction for them.

So, I would suggest that you work on you, either with Alanon or therapy or
both. Learn what your boundaries are, learn how to state your boundaries,
not ultimatums, and go from there.

Stick around SR or not. Most of us continue to stay and post and read as
part of our recovery IS sharing our experience, strength and hope (ES&H)
with others and hopefully the 'others' can learn by our experiences and not
have to repeat what we went through all over again.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so
very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:28 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KnBlueSkies View Post
We are still very much in love, and have a great marriage based on trust, respect, silliness. But now it also has a bit more depth to it because of all we have been through.
I'm just curious, BlueSkies, what brought you to SR. Your story is not at all typical of the group. I don't mean this offensively, but I would give advice with caution. It's almost as if you have won the lottery and are advising others to go out and spend their life savings on lotto tickets. BIG gamble!
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:57 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Hi Lara,

Your questions and reflections show that you really are thinking about all of this and seeking to find some answers. I came here in 2005 seeking the same.

Honestly, the only advice that I seem to have taken from here was to work my own program of recovery (ie self awareness and growth). I decided to keep my then boyfriend (who I eventually married). He was addicted to crack. He had been using for 20+ years. I did not know about his crack use until 4 months into dating him and by then I was hopelessly in love with him. That love colored my perceptions. I am trusting by nature and I accepted that he was telling me the truth about his life. He really wasn't. He told me that he had quit using and had gotten clean and at 7 months of dating I let him move in with me and my 2 sons. It was supposed to be for a short time and only a couple of nights a week. But immediately, it turned into full time. He knew a good deal when he saw it.

Our living together started with a full on commitment to his working a recovery and staying sober. We married about 1 1/2 years after his last drug use. The month after we married he quit working a recovery program. During that 1 1/2 year time of his working a program we did "ok". It was definitely not easy but my deep love for him made it seem like it was all worth it.

He stayed sober after he quit working a program but his behavior definitely worsened. In AA, they talk about the substance use being but a symptom of the real disease - which is a sickness of the spirit. My husband no longer used his drug but his spirit was still really sick and he wasn't doing anything to help it heal.

My children and I suffered horribly due to his behaviors and the way that he treated us. I was entwined financially with him and I keep trying to work things out with him because of that. All of my money was tied up in his. Things would get bad and I'd be all ready to leave him and then he would straighten up for just a bit. It was a horrible horrible cycle. Finally, I did leave him a year ago.

It's with deep deep regret that I look back at this time with him. The consequences of my choices have impacted me and my sons horribly. I do understand my love for him and see how it all happened. What I do wish is that I had not allowed him to live with me or my sons. EVER. I wish that I had stepped back once I realized that he was an addict and given him the time to show himself and the world whether he really wanted sobriety. I wanted to be there for him and so I stayed and "supported" his recovery (emotionally and every other way). No doubt, it made things a whole lot easier for him to get sober. But.....he didn't grow the roots of his recovery that he needed to grow with me making it a softer, gentler path for him. I jumped on his train when I should have stayed at the station and just watched.......

He did remain sober for 6 years. After I left him he began to drink again. He says that he is "controlling" that. So far, he has not used crack that I am aware of. But honestly, that isn't my problem anymore.

Could we have made it? I think the only way would have been if he had stayed fully immersed in recovery. Even then, we had so many more problems to deal with than normal couples.

It's understandable why you want to move back to Kenya.....I know that I did exactly what I wanted to do in my situation and know that you will find your way as well. I just really wished that I had not agreed to allow my boyfriend/husband live with me and my sons.

Knowing what I know now......I wish that I had put further relationships on hold until my sons were grown and out of the house. I did not know how terribly the pain of my choices would haunt me today (they are now 17 and 18). Maybe I would feel differently if things had turned out better. But I sure did put a whole lot on the line years ago. I took a huge gamble because I believed in "us" and my ability to keep my own life going and intact no matter what he chose to do. I lost.
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:57 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hi Laurie6781 thank you for your post....I am so confused...yet I should be more aware as my dad was an alcoholic.... it is so difficult as I have known H for so many years - most of my growing life - years before he was an addict.... what an incredible achievement of 31 years + sober!!!!!! But I thank you too for your words - which reiterate what everyone else tells me - take this time to learn about MYSELF - but where it's confusing too is that I fell in love with him before he became an addict...or is that denial too? Since joining SR I have 'lost my confidence' in everything I believed about H, about addiction, recovery, future, hope.... I am definitely staying around SR - and thank you for your words 'we care so much'...I find it mind blowing that people who have never met each other - we are just 'names' although I am one of the few to post my real name - and I see you have too - but people really care - and even though as I type this I am sitting in front of a screen - I can feel you out there.... thank you
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Old 07-07-2012, 10:43 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lara View Post
HI KnBlueskies...thank you for your comments...so good to read a positive story. This SR is a mindfield of information - and so difficult at times because of course we only wish all comments are positive like yours - but the truth seems that in most instances, addiction destroys people and relationships, and from reading others comments to me - it seems a loving long term relationship is very very rare. You are blessed - and I am so happy for you! It is interesting that you are the only person commenting on the rule of first year recovery - which don't recommend an intimate relationship. Yes, this is exactly what his sponsor says! I hope you are well and thank you for your support. May I ask, why are you still with SR- just to offer support to others? Or do you feel you still need it? How many years was your husband an addict for? I have been told that there is hope for H as he started cocaine when he was 35 - and then quit after rehab 4 years later - I believe it's easier to have long term recovery if you started as an older person?? Not sure
Lara,
I actually only stumbled upon this website last month. As I was saying in my post, at the beginning of my relationship I did a lot of research, and then I stopped. There have been times throughout the years when I have had reason to go back and do more research because I have had questions about things related to drugs, and this is one of those times. Rather personal in nature, but my husband and I are trying to conceive, and we have not had any luck for the past 5 months. So I have been doing research online regarding fertility and such, and as a progression of that I had a thought wondering if his past cocaine use could have affected our chances.

So once I started reading here, I found it rather interesting, and have actually been following the journey of several people. I can look at things now with different eyes I suppose, and that is a good feeling.

I was slightly shocked to get what seemed like negative replies to my post to you. I didn’t post to offer you advice, and encourage you to become more deeply involved with this man, as someone suggested. I only wanted to share my personal experience because I felt equipped to answer the question you asked about hope for a loving relationship. I don’t think we are truly unique, but I think we may be in regards to the group that typically posts on this forum. I think most people who find success would move on with their lives, and leave the boards to others who are experiencing turmoil and confusion, who need a place to vent. I think those strong emotions are evident in many of the post I read.

To answer your question, my husband did not start with drugs at a young age. He was in his late twenties, but he had already established his identity, completed college, had a successful career, and firm financial situation. His use started recreationally, and turned into more when he experienced some personal setbacks. It was used as a crutch basically. But in overcoming his addiction, he still had a vast set of fully developed healthy skills that aided him in recovery. No doubt in my mind that this helped him tremendously.

And Yes, I agree the age at which one starts does make a difference in recovery in my opinion. When you start young and have not fully established an identity for yourself, the use of drugs quickly becomes part of your identity, and you also use it as a coping mechanism not learning other ways, and build your social structure around it. I personally think it is much more likely that the young person that starts with drugs and becomes deeply involved has a higher probability of having other emotional issues at play also. They have to learn and build a healthy emotional foundation for themselves taking the drugs out of the picture. (Im sure others will disagree with me and that’s fine; this is the opinion Ive formed)
Oh my, so I was right about the sponsor. Doesn’t surprise me. Since Ive been reading here Ive heard that story several times already, plus one or two where the person in recovery gets involved with the person they are sponsoring! At least you know what is behind his mindset ….

Thank you for your well wishes. Best of luck whichever way you go.
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:29 AM
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I thought my relationship was "unique" or rather that my addict was "special" I first joined SR because of my oldest son. I did not stay around long because he kept getting locked up
and I didn't realize I still needed to learn or work on me Fast forward and my daughters fiancee died of an overdose in December 2008 then in January my middle son who I had absolutely no clue was using overdosed he was gone a lot working with our local Sheriffs Cadet program, then he went through the Sheriffs Reserve the youngest here ever allowed in the reserve. I ended up having to do CPR on this son, and he ended up on life support. I am very grateful he is alive.

April, of the same year I lost my brother from a suicide I was devastated then in October of the same year 2009 I husband told me he did want the responsibility of a wife any more turns out he had started using pain pills and xanax. I wish I had listened to him but NO, I left the house got my own place and a few months later he is sorry he didn't know what he was thinking.

I let him move in with me and the roller coaster ride began. While we, were separated I came back to SR. We are now separated again I asked him April 28 to move out.

I thought my H was "special" even just about a month ago so many things I had seen posted here I knew in my heart he would NEVER do ha ha turns out I was wrong again.

KnBlueSkies, IMO, you have been fortunate I am happy for you and your RA, recovery is rare especially where the relationships last. I am always happy anytime one can recover and stay recovered.

I don’t think we are truly unique, but I think we may be in regards to the group that typically posts on this forum. I think most people who find success would move on with their lives, and leave the boards to others who are experiencing turmoil and confusion, who need a place to vent. I think those strong emotions are evident in many of the post I read.

There are many forums and many post,many groups, Al-anon, Nar-anon, Families Anonymous and unfortunately the reality is most times it doesn't work the way yours has. Now about HOPE I believe there is a form of hope as long as a person is alive but I choose not to sit around and just wait.

I am working the recovery I wish my AH would I have not filed for a divorce and have no clue where this will lead but I do know I will be OK either way. I have been with my AH for 31 years and married for 28 of those years.

Laura, I wish the best for you and your son,
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Old 07-07-2012, 12:13 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I am in the same boat...I was told "I love you, please give me time" ...When I next spoke to him it was him screaming "I dont love you, leave me alone." I'm trying to keep my faith, in God and our Love. But with that being said I'm very upset. They say "let go" but how can you if you love that person, and know deep down inside that they love you to?..Im not in recovery and new to this site. Scared and confused here.
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:20 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Buttercup, your start was here, educate yourself all you can and find a meeting... if you do these things and stick with them best you can you will see how what other choice is there anyways? Reality hurts.
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Old 07-08-2012, 02:04 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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craziebabie~ yes, reality hurts big time. I don't know what is the truth and what was a lie...he isn't talking to me one bit. It hurts like crazy.
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:29 PM
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Lara, I understand where you are coming from but I see a very strong pattern here! Please trust me and others here. H will hunt you down on a daily basis if you are in the same town as him. There is no escape from the embroilment and parasitic behaviour of an addict, and he has not even come close to any form of any significant recovery, you will always be his last priority. H will start to enter your life again and what kind of role model is he for your son? What happens if he is high or using in front of your son and hits a low? I hope you and your ex are on good terms as boys need their fathers and especially when they are so young, I thank God for my Dad when I was little as I would never have made my childhood, I just wish that he was alive in my marriage years as I would never have screwed up like I did and f...cked up my family like I did and my good and normal relationship with my wife - my Dad believed in therapy for us kids but he died just before we would have taken him seriously. My ex-wife is big believer in it and also has strong Faith and in an amazing way has been my pillar of strength now, and as hard as it was/is for her to hear about my misdemeanours (with Lesley) understands and listens and accepts I did what I did due to my inner troubles, she is amazing and I have never experienced such forgiveness, I am slowly falling back in love with her and little by little she with me! Because of her I am in proper therapy and sticking to it!

I hope, your ex is the supportive kind especially in light of your son, I pray so as the disintegration of families worldwide is shocking and generations of children are being screwed up, and the cycle keeps, repeating! Think Lara, think! I hope that you are getting therapy of some kind and if not you must get into it immediately especially in light of what I just read about your childhood, there is probably many childhood trauma issues you have not taclkled. I know from my own personal experience all the hell I went through as a kid which screwed me up - my mom would go into fits and shout the house down and I would have to become a co-parent to my younger siblings, it stripped me of my childhood.

My Dad always said that Mom would kill him and she did - we were driving back from a dinner in San Antonio and my Mom was a bit drunk (she snuck in some vodka shots when my Dad was not looking) and out of the blue started going at Dad, she tried to grab the wheel and the next thing I remember is waking up with my Dad lying on top of me with his blood all over me - it was hell on earth. Do not discount for a second that this could not happen to you with H, you will NEVER know when he will come down from a high or hit a low...the episodes will get worse, also understand there is some brain damage there and anything can happen in a car and you and others, even your son could be involved and he may wake up with your body on his! Sorry for being so graphic but there is no other way to put it!

Me not dealing with stuff put major pressure on my ex-wife (then wife) - she had to put up with all the co-dependency BS and all the crap that my family did, she became the "enemy" of them as she was normal and not part of the "inner circle" - my Mom and other sister actually encouraged my behaviour and my affair (I have learnt my Mom had her own sick agenda – Lesley was wealthy) - how sick is that! Guess that is why my life unravelled as I never dealt with anything properly and only now after the darkness understand and I am healing.

Therapy takes time and is not easy but it does get you to heal faster than if you attempt it by yourself - self-help books are a small part of the equation, but you need a professional, and is well worth every cent! Do not worry what others, friends or family think (and if they bare co-dependent they might inadvertently hijack the process, as you will start to become less embroiled in their “paranoia” and be seem to be leaving the inner circle) - this is your time to heal and become a NORMAL and complete person!

Young Lara, much of you resonates with me and we have similar stories and I guess that is why I am spending sometime on your discussion. I really urge you to take significant time to heal and do therapy and not to rush your move to H town! If not for you, then for your son, the reward later on in life will be massive and your son will thank you rather than hate you - both my daughters loathe me right now but are warming up a bit, but it is taking a very long time and still much more to go. Your son is very little and in a very, very critical stage of his life - what happens in his first 7 years of development is CRITICAL for who he becomes as an adult, and all the disruption and movement will screw him up, and once again I speak, from personal experience as to my childhood and that of my own children. I urge you not to move to H town so soon as the impact and fallout on your son is truly not worth it. A few years in a lifetime is nothing and I promise you will not regret it! So young, Lara, all the best with YOUR therapy and I pray that you will consider all I have said and do the right thing by you and your son! Anytime you need to chat drop me a message or post, as I have definitely been there and got the t-shirts!
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Old 07-09-2012, 01:26 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Hi Bobcat Thank you so much for your reply and time!! What you say in your last post gave me goosebumps - it is as though you know me already? Your experiences almost mirror mine to a lesser or greater degree!!!! It is as though you are in the room with me?? I will reply in full to your post a little later on today - as hectic with work. Thank you so much for your experience - I can see there is so much pain still...God it is frightening the how destructive addiction (alcohol and drugs) is - it destroys lives, families and future generations (if WE as the NON ADDICTS don't stop it!!!!!!)
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:14 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Hi everyone...with all the support of SR these past three weeks (and the geographicaly separation of me and H) I feel I have come such a long way since that night he screamed at me to 'get the hell out of his life'. He phoned me yesterday evening. H has flown to my country! He spoke as though NOTHING had happened...and said he will call me today to meet up with me for lunch/ dinner?? My nerves are shot. In the past (before SR) I would have immediately jumped to meeting with him - knowing he would say all the right things, and running straight back into his arms....but now, armed with knowledge and a bit more confidence - I feel strangely anxious. I feel I need to see him - to at least discuss the behaviour - but a huge part of me doesn't want to see him at all (and I am talking about the man I love and have loved for what feels like ever)....I don't know what to do? I don't know what to say to him? I feel I need to protect myself and that I am not 'strong enough' yet to just walk away...that if I meet with him I will buckle. I feel if I don't see him - that it will give me more time to develop myself - to handle a meeting in weeks or months to come...but how to I tell H that this is it? I feel I am betraying him???????
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