I am ashamed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I am ashamed
I am ashamed of what I have been feeling and what I did on July 2nd and 4th and can't quite figure out why I am doing this. I didn't want to post this I guess I am scared that everyone will give up on me but I have to be truthful in order to ever move forward.
AH birthday was July 2nd, I spent for 11:00 pm July 1st all the way through 12:20 am July 3rd crying, getting suicidal feelings, switching emotions from anger, hurt, resentment etc... I was obsessed. I tried focusing on reading my literature I tried some step work I called my sponsor, nothing seemed to help
July 3rd I was fine I got out of the house and visited friends, did step work, played spades, spent time with my DD,
Then July 4th, I broke again all the sadness of we should be on vacation together right now etc.. the whole pity party. Called the suicide hotline talked for over an hour.
I feel calm now I am back to feeling OK with how things are I need to figure out what caused this so I can try and avoid in the future I did at least get to go through a lot of emotions and feel what I needed to feel but it doesn't seem it was done in a healthy way.
Am I just hopeless? Is it possible that I am having a harder time because of the extra insulin my body is producing and maybe the bipolar or maybe just the birthday and the vacation hit me hard?
IDK, I feel lost and alone I don't even know what to do from here.
I am going today and join the Y and a meeting tonight.
I also found out my middle AS is using again that didn't help will I ever get use to having addicts in my life even with boundaries.
AH birthday was July 2nd, I spent for 11:00 pm July 1st all the way through 12:20 am July 3rd crying, getting suicidal feelings, switching emotions from anger, hurt, resentment etc... I was obsessed. I tried focusing on reading my literature I tried some step work I called my sponsor, nothing seemed to help
July 3rd I was fine I got out of the house and visited friends, did step work, played spades, spent time with my DD,
Then July 4th, I broke again all the sadness of we should be on vacation together right now etc.. the whole pity party. Called the suicide hotline talked for over an hour.
I feel calm now I am back to feeling OK with how things are I need to figure out what caused this so I can try and avoid in the future I did at least get to go through a lot of emotions and feel what I needed to feel but it doesn't seem it was done in a healthy way.
Am I just hopeless? Is it possible that I am having a harder time because of the extra insulin my body is producing and maybe the bipolar or maybe just the birthday and the vacation hit me hard?
IDK, I feel lost and alone I don't even know what to do from here.
I am going today and join the Y and a meeting tonight.
I also found out my middle AS is using again that didn't help will I ever get use to having addicts in my life even with boundaries.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((crazybabie))) You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings , ever. I know it is hard to share things that we feel we should not be feeling, but it is good you did. I can relate to your being triggered by events. like birthday and holiday. Those things have triggered me before as well.
As I understand it, grief is not over and done with after a certain time. It can come back, and to me that says that I have a little more healing to do. And finding your AS is using must surely add to your pain, and sadness. I am so sorry you are dealing with this again.
I am glad to see that you do good things for yourself, too. Getting out, step work, spending time with your DD.
Good you called the hotline too. If you feel suicidal, please see your doctor and or counsellor.
Just wanted to say that I hope today is better, and that your boundaries help you to deal with what you must. Dont ever hesitate to share here. You are not alone in those feelings. Sounds normal to me, tho to feel suicidal is a signal to get help right away, like you did.
praying today for your son, and for your family, and for you , to heal, more and more, and to find peace, today and each day.
hugs
chicory
As I understand it, grief is not over and done with after a certain time. It can come back, and to me that says that I have a little more healing to do. And finding your AS is using must surely add to your pain, and sadness. I am so sorry you are dealing with this again.
I am glad to see that you do good things for yourself, too. Getting out, step work, spending time with your DD.
Good you called the hotline too. If you feel suicidal, please see your doctor and or counsellor.
Just wanted to say that I hope today is better, and that your boundaries help you to deal with what you must. Dont ever hesitate to share here. You are not alone in those feelings. Sounds normal to me, tho to feel suicidal is a signal to get help right away, like you did.
praying today for your son, and for your family, and for you , to heal, more and more, and to find peace, today and each day.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Awwww Honey, I'm so sorry you were feeling so badly.
Ashamed, of what??? Being a caring , loving person? Don't beat yourself up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your feelings are your feelings, they will change as you continue to heal. And NO you are not hopeless. None of us are, you have been wounded, it takes what it takes to heal from those wounds. There is not finish date.
Take good care of yourself, and keep posting, love to you Katie
Ashamed, of what??? Being a caring , loving person? Don't beat yourself up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your feelings are your feelings, they will change as you continue to heal. And NO you are not hopeless. None of us are, you have been wounded, it takes what it takes to heal from those wounds. There is not finish date.
Take good care of yourself, and keep posting, love to you Katie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I didn't read anything in there that sounded like anything you should be ashamed of. All of what you said sounds completely human to me. I am going through the same thing, OK one day and then crying hysterically the next. We're grieving, that's all. And it sounds like you're under a lot of stress right now with other things going on. You're not hopeless, you're normal.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Angie
We all have bad days. We all have sad days. That is simply human and there is no need to be ashamed of our human-ness. You worked through it. You took appropriate precautions and actions to take care of yourself. That sounds pretty darn good to me.
I get sad around birthdays and holidays too. But I do what you did.....I work through them. I consider that progress. And remember....it's progress not perfection that's important.
Be gentle with yourself. Do something nice for YOU today.
gentle hugs
ke
We all have bad days. We all have sad days. That is simply human and there is no need to be ashamed of our human-ness. You worked through it. You took appropriate precautions and actions to take care of yourself. That sounds pretty darn good to me.
I get sad around birthdays and holidays too. But I do what you did.....I work through them. I consider that progress. And remember....it's progress not perfection that's important.
Be gentle with yourself. Do something nice for YOU today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Angie...(((Hugs)))
I can understand how you feel. But remember that feelings are what they are ....they are not right or wrong. I am really very glad that you called the hotline...reached out at a critical time....that is so important.
Have you ever done (or even heard of) DBT therapy? There's a DBT self-help website that you might want to visit. There's so many good articles there...some rainy afternoon just sit and read. It's actually good therapy for ANY member of the human race, not just those with BPD. Here's the website: DBT Self Help
I hope that today is a little better. We care about you.
I can understand how you feel. But remember that feelings are what they are ....they are not right or wrong. I am really very glad that you called the hotline...reached out at a critical time....that is so important.
Have you ever done (or even heard of) DBT therapy? There's a DBT self-help website that you might want to visit. There's so many good articles there...some rainy afternoon just sit and read. It's actually good therapy for ANY member of the human race, not just those with BPD. Here's the website: DBT Self Help
I hope that today is a little better. We care about you.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Angie,
I think you should be proud, not ashamed. we feel what we feel. There's not much we can do about that, however, we can do something about how we react to those feelings.
You reached out, used resources available, and continue to consider options to help you to heal. Thats healthy.
I too would recommend that you see your doctor to see if there's a physical cause to some of your feelings.
(((Hugs)))
I think you should be proud, not ashamed. we feel what we feel. There's not much we can do about that, however, we can do something about how we react to those feelings.
You reached out, used resources available, and continue to consider options to help you to heal. Thats healthy.
I too would recommend that you see your doctor to see if there's a physical cause to some of your feelings.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
I agree with everyone, there wasn't one thing to be ashamed of. In fact, how about what you showed? Courage, honesty, self-awareness, intelligence, humility to name a few. Those are certainly qualities I think are admirable!
I'm also impressed at how well you handled the situation by taking the necessary steps that you did. You reached out to people and did not isolate yourself, you didn't wallow but instead got the help you needed, and so what if you took some time to have a pity party? We all need that now and then, it's what we do after that's important and I see here you came through with shining stars!
I'm also impressed at how well you handled the situation by taking the necessary steps that you did. You reached out to people and did not isolate yourself, you didn't wallow but instead got the help you needed, and so what if you took some time to have a pity party? We all need that now and then, it's what we do after that's important and I see here you came through with shining stars!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
It sounds like you are grieving.
Grieving is extremely painful, and not EVER something to be ashamed of.
It is a process whereby we let go of something we do not WANT to let go of, or else there would be no NEED to grieve.
Extremely painful grieving, in my experience, is the NORM for letting go of our wants/dreams in a situation involving addiction. It is THE most painful grief I've ever experienced.
Recovery taught me I can allow myself to grieve freely and allow myself to let go of the guilt of that grief, and just allow the process to unfold. I have the power to give myself these permissions, as do you.
Sending support and encouragement,
CLMI
Grieving is extremely painful, and not EVER something to be ashamed of.
It is a process whereby we let go of something we do not WANT to let go of, or else there would be no NEED to grieve.
Extremely painful grieving, in my experience, is the NORM for letting go of our wants/dreams in a situation involving addiction. It is THE most painful grief I've ever experienced.
Recovery taught me I can allow myself to grieve freely and allow myself to let go of the guilt of that grief, and just allow the process to unfold. I have the power to give myself these permissions, as do you.
Sending support and encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
It sounds to me like you did some of the hardest things a person in pain can do--reach out for help. There is such stigma surrounding grief and despair and feeling suicidal that the shame itself adds another layer of suffering. Your actions are like an instruction manual for how to deal with misery in the healthiest most courageous way possible.
As others have said, feelings are neither good or bad, it's how we react or act on them that matters. One of the things I heard often from my mother while growing up when I mentioned how I was feeling (my father was schizophrenic and alcoholic) was that I "shouldn't feel that way." Yikes.
Then a wise man (a priest and recovering alcoholic) mentioned that his response to people who think/speak that way is "Don't should on me." Remembering that helps me, and it kind of makes me laugh, too.
I hope you're in a better, clearer, calmer place today. Prayers and blessings to you and yours.
As others have said, feelings are neither good or bad, it's how we react or act on them that matters. One of the things I heard often from my mother while growing up when I mentioned how I was feeling (my father was schizophrenic and alcoholic) was that I "shouldn't feel that way." Yikes.
Then a wise man (a priest and recovering alcoholic) mentioned that his response to people who think/speak that way is "Don't should on me." Remembering that helps me, and it kind of makes me laugh, too.
I hope you're in a better, clearer, calmer place today. Prayers and blessings to you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing with us. Sounds like you are doing some good things for yourself. You should be so proud of reaching out to the hotline, that takes a lot of courage. I hope you reach out to your doctor too, just in case maybe some of your meds need to be adjusted.
Please be gentle with yourself.
Your posts are so helpful to me always.
You are your son are in my prayers.
Please be gentle with yourself.
Your posts are so helpful to me always.
You are your son are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Angie, just wanted to send my love and support. You are very helpful and kind in ALL of your posts and you share freely your ESH.
We all understand. Humans are not perfect! I also have felt so low from time to time and wonder why I continue, BUT God has given me the gift of this life and even if ALL seems dark and hopeless, that is only a moment in time. We must remember this gift of life as we only live once on Earth. Take our love and support Angie.
Have a wonderful day
Love
TT
We all understand. Humans are not perfect! I also have felt so low from time to time and wonder why I continue, BUT God has given me the gift of this life and even if ALL seems dark and hopeless, that is only a moment in time. We must remember this gift of life as we only live once on Earth. Take our love and support Angie.
Have a wonderful day
Love
TT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Angie you have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't ever feel scared of coming here and telling the truth about your feelings. We all struggle, I know I do. I'm too numb to cry but I often have times I just sit and stare at a wall and feel complete and utter despair. Crying doesn't make you weak, being sad or lonely doesn't make you weak. It makes you HUMAN. We all have those feelings, it's what you do with them that counts and you dealt with yours in a healthy way!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
craziebabie,
We all value your input here and would miss you if you left.
So don't leave! Being sad is just another aspect of our being human.
My Dad saw me crying over a dead pet long,long ago.When I
became aware that he was aware that I was crying,I left the area.
He came and found me and said "Son,that is not weakness,that is
STRENGTH".
We all value your input here and would miss you if you left.
So don't leave! Being sad is just another aspect of our being human.
My Dad saw me crying over a dead pet long,long ago.When I
became aware that he was aware that I was crying,I left the area.
He came and found me and said "Son,that is not weakness,that is
STRENGTH".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Thanks, everyone for your replies I am feeling much better today I talked with my therapist and we are in agreement that the birthday and vacation triggered the suicidal thoughts I go July 18th to see if my doctor will increase my anti-depressant although we don't think he will can't hurt to ask again. I am a rapid cycler with the bipolar so he doesn't even like me being on, one when necessary he keeps me on a low dose.
I am hoping to get a scholarship at my local Y I should qualify I will know in about 2 weeks or so that would be great for me because it would only cost me 28.00 a month and I would get my own coach as well as have access to the swimming pool low impact water aerobics teacher/classes/ cardio equipment, weight room, a safe walking track, sauna, hot tub I really hope I get this scholarship.
I have also found a local church that is very close to my home which is good with my clunker and income that offers a lot of classes on Friday nights... codependency, classes for addicts, family members, singles, people separated or going through divorce.
The love and support here is overwhelming.
Today I feel hopeful, grateful and humbled.
I am hoping to get a scholarship at my local Y I should qualify I will know in about 2 weeks or so that would be great for me because it would only cost me 28.00 a month and I would get my own coach as well as have access to the swimming pool low impact water aerobics teacher/classes/ cardio equipment, weight room, a safe walking track, sauna, hot tub I really hope I get this scholarship.
I have also found a local church that is very close to my home which is good with my clunker and income that offers a lot of classes on Friday nights... codependency, classes for addicts, family members, singles, people separated or going through divorce.
The love and support here is overwhelming.
Today I feel hopeful, grateful and humbled.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Thank you crazybabie for showing me that when I feel low, there are people to call, questions to ask of the doctor, churches within walking distance with meetings.
You reminded me that I if I want help, all I need to do is ask.
:ghug3
Beth
You reminded me that I if I want help, all I need to do is ask.
:ghug3
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
@Learn2Live, ty for reminding me I am human and not superwoman I sometimes forget I let superwoman go I am sorry your having similar feelings but know they are a necessary part of the process we will get through this One day at a time.
@ Katiekate Ashamed, of what??? Being a caring , loving person?
I never even looked at it that way Thank you.
@chicory, I needed a hug ty, also thanks for the kind words and prayers.
tjp, thanks for the link I will look at that
@cece,, thanks for reminding me I did use the resources guess i wasn't as lost as I thought I was, I am also checking with my medical doctor.
@Kindeyes, thanks for reminding me it is OK to be human coming from someone who shines with recovery such as yourself that makes me feel so much better about my feelings.
@Hopeful thank you for reminding me it is OK to have a small pity party sometimes so long as I don't wallow in it.
@catlovermi It is a process whereby we let go of something we do not WANT to let go of, or else there would be no NEED to grieve.
Thanks you so right about this I do feel like I am grieving and I know I have to feel the feelings thanks for the encouragement.
@PrayingMama your so right about the stigma, I was diagnosed when I was 25 and although the stigma has changed a little it hasn't very much. "Don't should on me." lol I like that my dad doesn't understand why I have any feelings left I will repeat "Don't should on me." in my head when he says anything about that again.
@Scrapbooker, thank you I never even thought my post helped anyone I try not and post on many because of my fragile state but some I just can't not respond. I am glad if I helped you in any way.Thank, you for the prayers.
LMN, thank you I always find such wisdom in your post and/or you always seem to post something I have been thinking about.
ILovemysonjj, I had encephalitis when I was 5 there were 3 other kids at the time in the hospital with me same thing. They lost their battle all but one who was left in a vegetable state. The doctors had told my parents I would not survive. I was in a coma for a week and once I came out of it I told my mother and grandma that the angels were taking me to Jesus after the doctors saw I would live they told my parents I would never walk or talk again I have been very fortunate and God gave me another chance at a full life which I am very grateful for. I always feel satan has touched me when I feel suicidal my doctor says it goes with bipolar but I still feel like I let God down.
@Windmills thank you I admire your growth and post always your such a blessing for me.
@Vale I always told my sons it was OK to cry as well I let them know it wasn't weak.
I am not leaving SR. I feel I will be here a long time. I plan to give back my ESH as best I can later as part of my 12 steps.
@ wicked I am glad if I gave you a reminder you needed.
SR... Thank you for having the mental health section that is where I went and read and found my resources.
@ Katiekate Ashamed, of what??? Being a caring , loving person?
I never even looked at it that way Thank you.
@chicory, I needed a hug ty, also thanks for the kind words and prayers.
tjp, thanks for the link I will look at that
@cece,, thanks for reminding me I did use the resources guess i wasn't as lost as I thought I was, I am also checking with my medical doctor.
@Kindeyes, thanks for reminding me it is OK to be human coming from someone who shines with recovery such as yourself that makes me feel so much better about my feelings.
@Hopeful thank you for reminding me it is OK to have a small pity party sometimes so long as I don't wallow in it.
@catlovermi It is a process whereby we let go of something we do not WANT to let go of, or else there would be no NEED to grieve.
Thanks you so right about this I do feel like I am grieving and I know I have to feel the feelings thanks for the encouragement.
@PrayingMama your so right about the stigma, I was diagnosed when I was 25 and although the stigma has changed a little it hasn't very much. "Don't should on me." lol I like that my dad doesn't understand why I have any feelings left I will repeat "Don't should on me." in my head when he says anything about that again.
@Scrapbooker, thank you I never even thought my post helped anyone I try not and post on many because of my fragile state but some I just can't not respond. I am glad if I helped you in any way.Thank, you for the prayers.
LMN, thank you I always find such wisdom in your post and/or you always seem to post something I have been thinking about.
ILovemysonjj, I had encephalitis when I was 5 there were 3 other kids at the time in the hospital with me same thing. They lost their battle all but one who was left in a vegetable state. The doctors had told my parents I would not survive. I was in a coma for a week and once I came out of it I told my mother and grandma that the angels were taking me to Jesus after the doctors saw I would live they told my parents I would never walk or talk again I have been very fortunate and God gave me another chance at a full life which I am very grateful for. I always feel satan has touched me when I feel suicidal my doctor says it goes with bipolar but I still feel like I let God down.
@Windmills thank you I admire your growth and post always your such a blessing for me.
@Vale I always told my sons it was OK to cry as well I let them know it wasn't weak.
I am not leaving SR. I feel I will be here a long time. I plan to give back my ESH as best I can later as part of my 12 steps.
@ wicked I am glad if I gave you a reminder you needed.
SR... Thank you for having the mental health section that is where I went and read and found my resources.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Angie - You are a very special person and I love having you on this board. Your posts are gentle and wise. I am so heartened to read all those positive steps you are taking for your mental and physical health. I'm sure you know that vigorous exercise is one of the best things you can do for your bipolar. I'll pray that you get that scholarship, too! My church as great classes on Friday nights as well... I"ll go if you go! 
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