oooopps

Dear SR community ~

I have learned so much from being here and reading all of your writing. Thank you so much for sharing your pain, growth, experience, knowledge and wisdom.

I am wondering if you guys think there is a *time* to move on from SR when your life is no longer intertwine with addiction. And what are the reasons for some of you for staying?

I am still recovering from a very horrible relationship with a heroin addict who sucked dry all of my happiness and sanity for years... He is no longer in my life but the experience and memories still upset and hurt me. I am much stronger and clear headed than before but I only want to get better and better. Thus I wonder if at some point I should leave all things associated with addiction behind.

I guess my concern is that I dont want to obsess or dwell on the past ~ where is the balance?

thank you.

Summerpeach

Yes, there is a time to move on from most things.
I stopped coming here when I was feeling much better, then came back only after another episode for the last guy I was with.

Personally, I don't think it's healthy to post on these sites for too long. Unless of course if you're in the "steps" forums in which case it becomes like working an al anon program.

I LOVE Al anon and been for 3 yrs, but never will I be in there for 30 + years like some. I cannot rehash my life over and over. It's great to work a program, but I don't want to hear about addicts for 30 yrs if they are out of my life.
But that is just me

Windmills

For me, my life is going to be intertwined with addiction for a long time. I have a 2 year old, her father is a heroin addict. Even if I don't need to share my own struggles very often any more, there are plenty of newcomers who might benefit from my ES&H. Just like at a meeting. I worry people think I'm odd for still attending FA after 2 months NC with my addict, but eventually I decided I do still need it, and even if I don't feel like I need it every week, I will still go. Plus it's taken me 6 months to start my steps and almost a month and counting to get through step one.. It'll take me forever to finish!

suki44883

I think it's a personal decision. If your life has gotten better and your individual problem has been solved, that's great. I think it's good, though, to stick around and share what worked for you in the attempt to help others. Showing people currently suffering what worked for you can be hugely beneficial. Who better understands what someone is going through than a person who has been through the same thing? Part of recovery is helping others. I hope you'll stick around a while.

Kindeyes

I, too, think it's a personal decision. There are reasons that I may be involved with Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and possibly SR for a very long time.

1. I have found that the 12 steps have helped me in ALL aspects of my life--not just as it pertains to addiction.

2. Giving back the gift that others have given to me is a part of a 12 step program.

3. I believe that I will always learn and grow from the ESH of others.

But if I ever feel that I have nothing to offer or simply grow tired of growning, I may step away.

I do take breaks from SR from time to time. I do what I need to do for me......to replenish and nourish myself.

gentle hugs
ke

oooopps

pardon me, what does ESH mean?


btw, Cynical_One i love that you updated your Snoopy to a July 4th one.

Summerpeach

drain the members?! No one has a gun to their head here to offer their knowledge. people do it because they want to.

And how to do you know these people are not offering their knowledge once they leave the "not real world" of a msg board to go on and help people in the real world?

Why are so many people at SR so angry and bitter? It's almost scary to open up here and have your own point of view!!! Jeez

suki44883

ESH = Experience, Strength and Hope.

keepfinding2

Yeah, there is a time. At first, it is wise to check in frequently, but, after your compulsive behavior is done with, you can just maybe check in every month.

havehope

I still come here to read and respond sometimes if I think I can help someone. My daughter is not in my life right now (once a year), but this forum reminds me of how far I have come with my own recovery, and prepares me for when/if my daughter decides to come back in my life. I think I need to be reminded of where I came from, and not go back to that point.

lightseeker

I, too, have seen a lot of people come and go (and come back). I still need it for me even though I don't post too often about the "details". I know that I can though and it means the world to me.

I also feel strongly that it is important to share what has been so freely given to me....recovery. My recovery is imperfect but I constantly find that it is what really helps me to live life on life's terms.

Last summer, I realized that I was at my first Alanon meeting for me....my ex husband was out of my life and I wasn't there to figure out how to live with that situation. It was then that I realized that what it was about has nothing to do with living with addiction...it's about living. Especially when I have the disposition that tends towards co-dependency. As my son's issues with pot have escalated I am really glad to have this program in my life - and SR.

Our forum is an interesting place because of the variety of people and issues that we attract. I know that years ago it was people like Ann, Outtolunch, Greet Each Day (and so many others) that extended the hand of recovery to me. I wanted what they had and I knew that meant that I had to keep coming back.

There are so many people that have moved on and I think of them frequently and LOVE it when they check in....Funkster, Lovestoomuch....ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!

So, the nice thing is that you don't "have" to come here but it's here if you want to. Sharing ESH is an important part of my recovery program......

One last thing - years ago I quit going to Alanon because my qualifier was no longer in my life. Then I met another qualifier....then I realized that I had given birth of another one.....it's just not a good idea for me to think that I'm "done" - obviously (LOL).

zoso77

Things with my AXGF ended 6 months ago. Yet I'm still here. Not because I'm struggling...I think it's more that I have wisdom to share. Kind of my version of the Twelve Step. If there's any chance what I share can help someone, then I'll be on here for a while.

oooopps

I just hate to think that the addict has that much effect on me that even moving on... he is with me in some capacity. Like I'm some kind of damaged good because of the whole experience... (does that make sense?)

My neighbors, older and wiser friends of mine, warned me to not tell any future potential guy that I dated a heroin addict. At least not until way down the line if and when that person is marriage material. I see their point and understand that they are looking out for me, but I feel that it is unfair because why do I have to be ashamed of something that is not my fault to begin with? I dont have anything to hide. Their comment is what made me correlate the "damaged good" analogy.

As for helping people, definitely. However, I'd like to think that it's like the Olympic torch... you run your part but eventually you pass the torch down to the next person and move on. Cant carry that torch forever.

Sometimes I think... WHO am I to tell another person anything or think that I could help them? Especially when the response is less than well-received. As evident in the two threads that were closed today.

LoveMeNow

I hope and pray those people who choose to share their ESH stay and post. They always inspire me. However, I do understand why some move on but hopefully they are still sharing in their own way.

Learn2Live

IME, every relationship has at least one lesson about yourSELF you can take away from it. To me, life is a journey and everyone who joins you on yours, joins you for a reason. And I believe that personal growth along that journey requires looking inward at the self and discovering the lesson each mate was meant to bring you. I believe there is a reason, and a major opportunity for growth in, why you got involved with a heroin addict in the first place.

At least, that's the way I look at my relationships. Life will continue to bring you the same lesson over and over until you learn it. SR is a good place to investigate, in the meantime.

Ann

My son has been gone and missing for eight years, yet I still come here every day because it helps me with my recovery and to maintain the peace I have found.

Many who went before me, helped me find my way and it's part of my recovery to pass that along to the next newcomer who walks in the door.

Many come, some stay some leave, but all are welcome.

Hugs

Sunshine2

I think if the addict in your life is a child you will always be intertwined with addiction, even when you are no contact. Going no contact does not mean you stop loving and caring about your child.

If the addict is a partner, it is easier to move on and I think probably best. You will find the long-term people here are either parents or were addicts themselves.

You get people responding in all stages of recovery. You can normally tell by the amount of anger left. I am very grateful for the long-term people who take time to respond. They have reached the stage where acceptance, love and wisdom shines from their posts. I am equally grateful to the people who are new to recovery or anywhere in between.

It shows me where I have been, where I am now and where I can expect to go.

Zoenob

I came here at first to see how to help my xabf. Learned so much that I didn't want to confront. Now I'm here for ME and how to help ME get better. Unfortunately being 43, a few months on SR isn't going to cure me. I have 43 years to understand and recover from. This girl(me) isn't going to get better on my own in a few months. I need some sort of program or I will continue fail with men and my own addictions. I do take a break every now and then because I get sick of thinking about my x and all the things that contributed to my codieness and addictions.

SeekingGrowth

Oooopps, thank you for this thread. It’s given me an opportunity to examine my motives for spending time on SR and to think about whether they are healthy. As many on this board know, my AS died on April 4. He was my “bonus son;” I essentially adopted him after his mom died in January 2010. What I didn’t know when he came to live with us was that he was a drug addict. He was addicted to marijuana and abused pain pills whenever the opportunity was present. After about a year or so, he began using heroin and was a full-blown addict by the end of summer 2011.

I am a college professor and it is in my nature to research a problem to death. I became preoccupied with the subject of addiction and recovery, reading books, articles, searching the web, talking to everyone I knew who had any connection to addiction. And I joined SR. I learned a TON on the subject, from all the resources just mentioned and also from my experience with my AS. And then, unexpectedly, he died, less than two and a half years after he had come to live with us. I loved him as fiercely as if he was my own child, and I think that I hang onto SR and other addiction-related people and things in part because I want to hang onto him. Sounds unhealthy, but my therapist assures me that it is consistent with the grief process, and as long as I am also pursuing other things in my life, it’s OK.

But I also don’t want the past two years to have been a waste. I learned so much and I don’t want to just walk away from all that as though it never happened. So I have decided to do something with all the knowledge and experience I now have by volunteering at a local rehab facility and participating on their “Speakers Bureau.” Because of this, I want to keep learning and growing in this area, and SR is a part of my continued education. I also want to help and support people on this forum, many of whom I have come to “know” and care about. I know how much that support means; it helped me tremendously when I was on my rollercoaster ride with my AS, as well as dealing with his death.

I think you and Summerpeach might be hearing an implicit judgment in the posts saying that people want to “give back” to the SR community because they gained so much here from others. Don’t feel judged. There are lots of ways to give, and there is no need to feel obligated to stay and post on SR. There are lots of us here, and more join all the time, so there are plenty to give advice and share experiences with those who seek them. Stay here if you want, leave if you don’t. We’ll miss you, but either way is OK.

outtolunch

I am here because I am codependent. I learn something new everytime I read, here.