FindingErica

To paraphrase someone on this forum... When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Your decision to make is if you want to spend the next 11 years with an unrepentant junkie. Because from your description of his current "effort" to quit, he will more than likely relapse within the week.

LoveMeNow

What makes you think he isn't using? Addicts are the most incredible liars and manipulators!

breath

Nobody can do it on their own. He needs either professional help, AA, or NA. Thinking anything else will work just prolongs the process and wastes resources. If he can't admit he's powerless and unable to do it on his own then he needs to keep using until he hits bottom and can admit he is powerless.

zoso77

Sweetheart, read this very carefully.

All of us here has said "how can I be so selfish" at one point or another with our addicts (at least when in a romantic relationship). So we stay, we get further entangled in the web, and before we know it, we lose ourselves and we get sick, too. So then you have two sick people playing off each other. And that never ends well.

Taking care of one's self isn't selfish. It's necessary. For if we don't, it can lead us down a dark, dark path.

As far as when it's going to go away, I can't answer that because it's solely dependent on your ABF. He has to want to find recovery for himself before he can be a partner to you, or a father to children. My AXGF was a mother of three kids, so I saw up close and personal what her choices and behavior did to her children. Is this how you want to bring children into the world?

I'm not here to tell you what to do, kid. What I'm asking you to do is think. To use your wise mind. And ask yourself are you truly prepared to go down this road with him.

Please, be safe. We're all here for you.

ZoSo

neferkamichael

Ditto cynical one. Your reply says it all. Excellent.

saynotodrugs

I decided to leave him. We were going to argue again, and I just cannot handle it anymore. Now he's smoking weed. I told him I'm here when he has changed... I just hope it's soon I am scared he will never come back to me And then I would've lost not only a love, but also a best friend

zoso77

That took a lot of courage. Now hold your boundaries. Read all the posts you can and lean on your friends. You'll be OK.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

saynotodrugs

To be honest, I feel like an *******. Like a horrible person. I am such a caring person, and it breaks my heart that I am no longer there.

zoso77

Kid...

No one ever said doing the right thing is supposed to feel good.

You're not his keeper. He has to do decide to find recovery for himself. Not for you, not for anyone else but himself. If he can't take care of himself, how can he be a good boyfriend to you? Or a husband? Or a father?

Yes, you're hurting. And it sucks. But on the other hand, you learned something about yourself. You set a boundary -- you essentially said you could not tolerate being in a relationship with addict that was not seeking recovery. That takes strength. That takes courage. You did something that I couldn't do because I didn't have the guts to do it when I should have with my AXGF.

This is going to hurt for a bit. Nobody knows what the future holds. But pain...well, it sucks, but it's just pain. And we have to sit with it as best we can. It's not going to kill us. You just keep moving forward, doing the right things.

Going to bed. Goodnight, and God Bless.

Best,
ZoSo

LoveMeNow

Why? Because you dont want drugs in your life. Sounds very smart to me.

DJ0822

Dear Sayno - by ending this relationship, you may have just saved not only your own life/happiness, but also his. He needs professional help. He needs to "man up" to his own problem and fix it himself. There are plenty of free, helpful, compassionate ways for HIM to get help. He just doesnt want to.

You are inlove with the person you WANT your boyfriend to be, not the real thing. He knows it (30-year old addict comment). The real one is still childish, unwilling to take care of his own issue, and making you in charge of his happiness. Recipe for disaster.

Hang onto your plans to stay away. I'm rooting for you! :ghug3

saynotodrugs

He said he was going to stop for me... but I became the stupid jealous girlfriend because he was talking to this other girl who likes him... so we started to fight... he said he can't take it anymore... he wanted to smoke... and I was like okay whatever I honestly don't care... and now he is gone... totally my fault I have my own insecure issues omg we are so messed up together!

dollydo

"He said he was going to stop for me... but I became the stupid jealous girlfriend because he was talking to this other girl who likes him... so we started to fight... he said he can't take it anymore... he wanted to smoke... and I was like okay whatever I honestly don't care... and now he is gone... totally my fault I have my own insecure issues omg we are so messed up together! "

When he wants recovery more than anyone or anything in life, he will stop, and not a
minute before. He will embrace a strong recovery program for life. He is not ready to
do that now.

None of this is your fault, he is an addict just doing what addicts do. You have no
future with him, you are young, there are many clean, nice boys for you to date.

Let him go, move forward without him.

kiki5711

I hate to say "I told you so" but "I told you so", and so did the other posters. We've all been there done that.

farfaraway

Holy moly good riddance! In a year (if you don't take him back, please please don't be so dumb), you'll look back on this sad time and thank GOD that you found the strength to leave before he could do serious damage.

You do sound like a nice caring girl, and you could pour all the love you have into that black hole of a boy (all your money too). And it will be for nothing if he doesn't want to quit. Even if he does get clean, I'm of the opinion that drug addicts are pretty much damaged goods and I wouldn't date one if he were the last man on earth. There are approximately 3 billion men on earth. FIND A DIFFERENT ONE.

wow04

As a recovering addict, I can tell you the above is the complete truth.

I would tell you whatever you wanted to hear so I could get my next high. I can't say if he is using or not, but I can tell you I did the same things he does. I would have already used and called my exbf to see if it was okay if I could take it. When he said no I told him he was the worst bf ever and that if he loved me he would let me take it. Truth is I had already taken it.

I couldn't get clean for anyone. I had to do it for myself. I can also tell you that there is no way I could have done it on my own.

I wish you the best of luck. You are looking a bumpy road.

wow04

I just read where you left him. Sorry jumped ahead of myself.

Hang in there. I know it is hard right now. Find family and friends you can lean on right now.

My prayers and thoughts are with you!

Learn2Live

I know, it's hard. But you can do this.

outtolunch

Nothing comes between an addict and the love of his life; drugs.