tjp613

Many of you know my story....in bits and pieces. But I am in a place now where I am in the depths of depression and desperation. I am not sure how to crawl out of this hole and I am begging for help.

I have two children.

My son: 22 year old heroin addict. Currently in his 3rd rehab for opiate addiction. It's a roller coaster of the ultimate kind. One day he calls and sounds really good....working his steps like mad and is on fire for a sober lifestyle. The next day he calls and he is suicidal, depressed and sees no way out of this f***ing hell. He wants to use so badly and the only thing stopping him is the constant 24/7 support of his fellow residents, doctors and counselors. One day I'm hopeful and the next day I know he's going to die from this f***ing addiction. He'll never make it on the "outside" and I don't have enough money to offer him long term treatment....Even if i did, would it help?

My daughter: 18-1/2 years old and has borderline personality disorder. It took every ounce of energy I had in me to get her through 2 years of constant treatment, therapy appointments, rehab, mental hospitals, and an alternative school. She cuts, has bouts of feeling suicidal, is self destructive in her choices, and no level of consequence seems to make any difference in her decisions. She does what she wants to do. She hangs out with the wrong crowd and is sexually promiscuous. She drinks. She's been in jail for shoplifting. I told her last night that she has two weeks to get out. She is no longer welcome here in our home. I can't take it anymore.

I see young families walking with their youngsters... kids of 4, 6 or 8 years, and they are so cute and precious. I remember my own children at that age and they were just like that. Precious jewels....sparkling, happy, animated, silly. Never in my wildest nightmares did I dream that we would be HERE.

I am desperately sad. I have lost all hope. I can't seem to cling to any sense of relief for longer than 20 minutes at a time. I am frightened and ashamed and confused. How did this happen? How can I fix it?? How can I ever find happiness when my children are suffering so much? My health is suffering. I have chest pains all the time, I can't concentrate at work. I can't sleep. I try so hard to turn it over...but I can't. I am a failure on so many ******* levels I can't even count them anymore.

Help me. Please.

Ilovemysonjj

TJP, you are not a failure. We Moms take on the weight of the world and every bone in our body and soul is invested in our children. I am so sorry to hear about the latest turn of events. There is NO DOUBT you love your children and I relate TOTALLY with where you are. Please please know you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.
I pray your daughter will learn very quickly that life is not a bowl of cherries out there. Your son of course is struggling with the demon which we have all come to know and hate. I still struggle with the internal monologue that drives me insane (what is he doing, is he okay, will I ever see him again, you know...)
I will pray with you and lift you up to our God every hour. I am here for you.Love
Teresa

Learn2Live

Oh tjp my heart breaks reading your words. I wish I could do something to help you. I don't have any experience as a parent with an addicted child but I have lots of experience with a dyfunctional family of adults. With each one, I have to maintain a certain level of emotional detachment and physical distance. I have had to go No Contact with some, limited contact with others. I hate to say this because they are your children but you may need to go No Contact with both of them, at least until you have gotten your strength back. I know this would be hard at first but if you can do it, you can then examine your own reasons for enmeshment with your adult children. Do you have a program such as Al-Anon? It has really helped me and I have even started going to AA. The social support alone is invaluable.

Your children are adults and they are making their own decisions. Those decisions are greatly affecting you. If they were not your children, but someone else's, would you continue to allow them to affect you the way you do?

(((hugs))) for you many times over. Breathe deep.

zoso77

tjp613...

I'm going to bed shortly, but if you want to PM me, feel free and I'll answer.

Best,
ZoSo

Learn2Live

PS One thing I learned with my very addicted brother, from whom I had to No Contact, was that he would live his life and make all the same decisions, and create all the drama and chaos, even without me. All those problems he had and created, he still had them even though I did not know he was having them, and was no longer drug in to play a part in all that. I could let ALL his problems go, including the likelihood that my brother would die. Because I FINALLY accepted that I was powerless over any and all of it.

Kindeyes

Oh sweetie.....I wish I could just hug you.

There are times when I feel like I'm falling into that abyss of despair too. Your anguish is absolutely palpable in your post.

Breathe.......tell me what you are doing for you......anything......even if it's small. You deserve to have a life and sometimes......we have to let go of our adult children to do that. You are not walking this path alone. There are many of us here walking with you. And we can find comfort with each other knowing that we are strong enough to survive.

I wish you lived closer......we could take a walk and talk.

You are not alone.

gentle gentle gentle hugs from another Mom
ke

HopefulGF65

TJP, you have been there for me in my latest posts and I felt compelled to respond to yours, even though I'm not sure what I can offer as I do not have children. But I will say, I felt exactly as you felt - the despair, not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel - and didn't know how to claw my way back to a better life. So right now, I just wanted to reach through the computer and give you a hug.

But you are not a failure. The choices were not yours that led your son and daugther down their paths.

I'm hoping you have someone you can turn to, a close friend perhaps? Try to get a good night's sleep tonight and tomorrow, find one positive thing to focus on, be it a sunny day, a cookout with friends, a hug from a loved one, writing/reading, something that you can absorb and that lets you feel a part of something good. All you can do right now is take care of yourself and you deserve that.

(((hugs)))

oooopps

TJP,

gentle gentle hugs to you.

I am a Buddhist and one of the most important message that Buddhism has to offer is to Let Go. We came into this world alone, and we will leave this world alone. Meaning, we cannot stay with our children, husband, families, friends forever. We take no one with us on our continuous journey. Everyone is in our life for only a certain period of time. Because no one's presence is permanent, we must work on our letting go, letting be, and non-attachment. Yes, even to our children.

"attachment is like holding on tightly to something that is always slipping through my fingers--it just gives me rope burn."

You are not a failure in any aspect because you did your best to give your children everything and that is all that you can do. You raised them to their adult age. The choices they make are beyond your control. You are only human.

Consider this example:
When a loved one dies grieving is natural – we have lost someone who was dear to us and we miss them but if we don’t eventually acknowledge that they have gone and let them go, the suffering and unhappiness is going to continue. There is a Buddhist funeral ceremony that I feel is particularly beneficial although undeniably emotional. A long white silk ribbon is held by all the mourners. They are asked to meditate on their memory of the loved one who has died; celebrating and rejoicing in their good times together. At an appropriate point, they are asked to hold on to their memories but ‘let go’ of their loved one’s presence. As they recognize and accept that life must go on without them, the ribbon is gently and slowly pulled through their hands until it is released.

I am not saying that we must remain detached and unemotional regarding our relationships with the people we love or the things we have worked so hard for. That’s not the case. What I am saying is that you should never forget that all things are impermanent. Eventually you have to let go whether it be a loved one, a valued possession, your youth, beauty, a career, even your own life.

I know you are hurting very much so and my heart goes out to you. Please reach out and find any support available to you. We are all here to support each other.

Impurrfect

(((Tjp))) - I am so sorry for what you are going through. As you know, I'm an RA. I also have a neice I love dearly, she is as close to being my kid as she can be.

She is an ACOA 4th or 5th generation. Before she got pregnant, she was big time in to expeprimenting with all kinds of stuff. I've tried to lead by example, I've tried to tell her what my life was like when I was using. I don't see that any of it did any good

She is due in Oct., and I pray that having her own daughter, maybe she will think about things I've told her.

I don't know. It hurts, I want SO much better for her, but I just can't force it. The only thing that I know to do is keep showing by example. I don't fuss at her, much. I take advantages of when we are just chatting and I can bring up something in the conversation. It goes over way better with her.

I can't fix her, I can't make her do better, I can only love her and lead by example. When her actions break my heart, I come here to the people who get me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

chicory

Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. I can hear the pain in your words, and I know that this must be the hardest thing in the world. I know how it hurts to see your grown child addicted, and wasting away. perhaps tonight you can be thankful for something, like the fact that your son is not using tonight. try to stay in the moment. we are none of us guaranteed anything, beyond this moment. you dont know what your son will do. but tonight he is safe. God will do the rest. Turn him over to God. You can't fix it no matter how you try, but his HP has him in His hands.

Your daughter on top of everything else, it is just too much to imagine dealing with, on your own. You are going to have to lean on God for this one. Many people with your daughters problems can lead productive lives, if they get help. She is gonna have to suffer enough to want to change. you cant do that for her either.

I know you know these things. I just wish so much that we could all reach in the computer and hug you, and tell you it is gonna be fine. one thing for sure, it is gonna be what it is gonna be, no matter what you do. you gotta turn it over, and stay in the moment. Breathe, deeply, and dust off the Serenity Prayer, and focus on you sweetheart. Be the best you can be, through it all. No contact sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? at least you know where they are, and that they are alive.
what would they be doing if you were not here? they might have to worry about their selves a bit more, knowing mom is not going to be there to protect them, tho I know you are not doing much enabling, they still know you are worrying about them.

remember that awesome book, 'Don't let your kids kill you'? well darling, i can send it back your way if you like. it was helpful, that is for sure.

worry is gonna kill you, i know that is how you are feeling. but is it changing anything? they are adults, mostly, and are going to do what they want to. perhaps your daughter would benefit from some consequences, tho I know as a mom, it is nearly unbearable when we can't save them from pain. pain is their friend, in a way. it will guide them toward self preservation, usually.

honey, you are in my prayers, and will continue to be. if it is possible, try to focus on yourself. breathe, maybe see a doctor about the chest pains, and maybe they can give you something for the anxiety. i take AntiD's, for the tough times.

know we are with you in spirit sweetheart. breathe. deep, and try to let it go for tonight. pretend you are on a planet far away, and they have to work it out for themnselves.
love you sweetie.

zoso77

Borderline Personality Disorder...f**king dreadful, pernicious, awful illness.

You can't win with a Borderline. It's not going to happen. Borderlines will rob you of your will to live if you let them. You can't let your daughter do this to you, sweetheart. What Borderlines hate most are boundaries, so when you kick her out, change the locks and use the police if you have to. NO MORE GAMES. NO MORE F**KING AROUND.

As far as your son goes...you have to somehow let go of him, too. You have to give him over to God. He's out of your reach, as is your daughter. It's time you take care of you.

I know this hurts. I get it. And I also know what it's like to be really depressed. It's not something I've shared on this board a lot. There have been too many evenings in my past where I've cried myself to sleep, and too many times that I simply didn't want to be around anymore. And I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do the things that I loved doing again. I thought I'd lost my brains, or my musical talent. But none of that was true.

And when I came out of the darkness, when I came out the other side, I wasn't the same guy I was going into it. I was better. Probably more emotional than before. I can deal with that part of it.

If you're not in counseling, perhaps now is a good time to have an objective, supportive voice you can turn to?

You helped me when I first came on the board because you shared with me your experiences dealing with your daughter with BPD. It meant a lot to me, as I didn't feel as alone. Now, I'm here for you if you need me.

God Bless,
ZoSo

washbe2

So sorry for the pain you are experiencing . Worse than any physical pain. Giving birth is the easy part. I, too, went to bed crying last night. When my hubby asked f I was okay, I told him I just felt like such a failure. Deep down I know it's not my fault any more than it's yours. We just have those moments, dont we?

It sometimes helps to think that God has problems with his children, too. He's no failure! But He allows us a free will just as we must allow our children their free will. Stinks, doesn't it?

Just remember you are loved here, and I do care very much. Praying for a peaceful evening for you!

amaslow

I AM YOU! Two messed up kids. one 22 one 33..One in residential treatment for opiate addictions.. One just 2 days ago back in jail... to have one is bad enough, but both of your children like this is almost too much to bear..

Like you I look at young precious children and wonder what happened. I have analyzed it all 1000 times.. I have looked at my failings.. prayed and prayed for forgiveness and strength... spent tons of money for therapy, lawyers, etc. I have never had a relative or even known anybody who went to jail before my son.. I had such high hopes for him at one time..

Neither one of my children suffered abuse or poverty... I know they went through divorces and both had very dysfunctional fathers, but some kids have had it worse and come out OK.. It is such a complicated mix of factors that shaped them...

Like you, I struggle to function..I am not on an antidepressant, but I think it may be time. I have a demanding job and am divorced. I don't tell too many people about my children because of my job.. I feel very isolated..The issues with my son have gone on for 15 years... I was hopeful they were over..but here we go again,..

God help both of us!

SundaysChild

**{HUGS}}

The weeks after my son's last relapse, I couldn't look at children without crying. I couldn't look at other families without envy...and I couldn't talk to any friends who had happy, "normal" successful kids because the pain was just too unbearable. The sense of loss we who have children battling addiction and mental illness feel can be overwhelming sometimes...and that dark hole of despair is there, just waiting to swallow us up.

I will pray for you tonight. "May the peace of the Lord, which passes all understanding, be with you always."

tjp613

You're all so very kind...and wise...and I'm just in a pool of tears.

Thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart.

You know how it is....you share this stuff with your "regular" friends and they don't have a clue what to say or how to make it better. I love them all, but they really don't "know". They try. They love me dearly and I am so lucky to have them. But they don't KNOW.

It's hard to tell my "regular" friends that I'm kicking my daughter out. I must seem like the Wicked Witch of the West to them. They don't KNOW what I go through day in and day out. I simply don't have the reserves to do this anymore. If I continue like this I'm either going to die, kill myself or go absolutely insane. Something has to get different. Now.

I've spent so much money on rehabs and counselors I don't even have the $90/week to spend on my own counseling. Well, I could, but I keep thinking I need to save my money for THEIR treatment. Their dad is going thru his own **** right now and I don't want to ask him for anything. He's gonna help with setting our daughter up in an apt. using her college fund, and that will be a big help.

I've been "making" myself go out and be with friends, etc. I really need to dig into some art projects -- always find that healing -- but I can't find it in me.

Zoso and oooops - any Buddhist reading you can recommend would be welcome.

chicory, Suki, Impurrfect, HopefulGF, LTL, Kindeyes, JJ, ....all of you... I will read and re-read what you've written. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. I knew I could count on you guys.

I'll be better tomorrow. Thanks. XOXO

tjp613

CynicalOne, Washbe2, SundaysChild, amaslow - we cross posted. Thank you, also. Really-- you have no idea what your presence means to me tonight.

Thank you all for caring.

suki44883

I don't know that there is any more helpless or lonely feeling possible than when a mother knows there is nothing she can do to help her child. PM me any time and I will help as much as I can or just listen. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

zoso77

There's always tomorrow. Just do what you can to get through the rest of the night, moment by moment if you have to.

You, your daughter, and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.

ZoSo

Zoenob

You post has struck something with me tonight. I don't have children but have seen your same pain in my Mother. The love my Mother has for her children overwhelms me. I love her dearly and the thought of her in pain makes me cry. I am crying now as I see my Mother in you. The love my Mother has is part of her soul down to every molecule. Depression runs in our family and I feel your pain. It is hard to let go when they are in every fiber of your soul.

I wish I could take your pain away. Just know that tonight I will have you in my thoughts and hopefully I can take a little of your load so that you can have some peace even if just for a few minutes.

Jody675

hugs to you. i hope you find some inner peace in knowing that you have sacrificed so much to help your kids, but at some point we do have to admit defeat and trust that they will find their way on their own. i know you will always love them, but right now its more important to concentrate on you, so that you are dragged down with them any further.

i read an article recently about a gratitude diary where you take a photo each day of something that you are grateful for. it could be the suns rays through the window in the morning, or a warm coffee, a dear friends smile, a butterfly. anything. it might help to get through each day. hugs to you.