Feel like I'm dying.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I've been really busy and just read this entire thread now. TJP this thread is such an inspiration of how we can rise from the darkness and overcome.
You are an amazing lady and I know you will be just fine. I am so glad you like your new place....and I wish you could hang that painting on your wall! What a splendid portrait of grace.
Sending hugs, hope each day gets better for you.
You are an amazing lady and I know you will be just fine. I am so glad you like your new place....and I wish you could hang that painting on your wall! What a splendid portrait of grace.
Sending hugs, hope each day gets better for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
A wonderful women in my AL Anon group is in your shoes exactly. I see the pain every week when she shares and I just want to hug the pain right out of her.
She has taken an art class, put a ton of focus on herself, yet the pain is still there. I think at that point you need to see that it's the will of the Universe and you cannot do more than you've done.
My sister has a daughter (my niece) who has a fatal illness. She was born with it and was only expected to live until 12, She is now 19, but will not survive this illness.
She goes to regular college, goes to the movies in her wheelchair, has tons of friends, but my niece is so depressed from her life it's killing my sister and us to see it. My sister is being eaten alive from all this.
My sister refuses to get help and it kills me.
Only words I can say is, don't let this kill you. You are doing and did your best, but know that as a Mom this pain will always be there, so accept it with peace and be gentle on yourself.
This journey was chosen for them
I can't even image how hard this must be...but HUGE healing hug
She has taken an art class, put a ton of focus on herself, yet the pain is still there. I think at that point you need to see that it's the will of the Universe and you cannot do more than you've done.
My sister has a daughter (my niece) who has a fatal illness. She was born with it and was only expected to live until 12, She is now 19, but will not survive this illness.
She goes to regular college, goes to the movies in her wheelchair, has tons of friends, but my niece is so depressed from her life it's killing my sister and us to see it. My sister is being eaten alive from all this.
My sister refuses to get help and it kills me.
Only words I can say is, don't let this kill you. You are doing and did your best, but know that as a Mom this pain will always be there, so accept it with peace and be gentle on yourself.
This journey was chosen for them
I can't even image how hard this must be...but HUGE healing hug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Thank you all....again! The support in this community is nothing short of amazing. A very real gift from God. I know He speaks to me through you. I acknowledge that and say again, Thank You, God.
Summer, I appreciate so much your sharing the story of your niece. Of all the pain we have endured as a family, I often think that it must pale in comparison to a mother of a child afflicted with leukemia or CF or ...whatever. I don't know...maybe it's not right to compare, but when I'm feeling weak I think of those mothers (and fathers) who are sitting by hospital beds, day in and day out, and who must remain strong with a smile on their face for the sake of their child. Where do THEY find the strength? If they can do it, so can I. In a way, I try to stay strong for all the mothers out there who are helplessly watching their children suffer....and perhaps die. We are a super-human lot, and we probably don't give ourselves enough credit and are quick to beat ourselves up for caving in or not being strong enough to do what should be done. But I tell you, this stuff is NOT for sissies.
I talked at length with my son's counselor this evening. First time we've connected since he was kicked out 3 days ago. Sadly, the story he told his dad is NOT the story we got from his counselor, though I'm not surprised. He and 3 "friends" from rehab concocted a way to have drugs delivered to the center and got caught. As I've mentioned before this is the 2nd time this has happened in a month. The sheer power of this f***ing heroin addiction is mind-blowing. His dad and I had a good talk this evening about it. I am more inclined to let him fall....he is wanting to throw all our resources to find him a long term rehab treating his concurrent depression and addiction, since we are told this is really his best chance. My heart and my head are doing battle. His dad is scrambling to try to save his son....although we are slowly realizing there is little that we can do....and chances are very good that he will die no matter what we do. It's only a matter of when.
Same as your sister, Summer.
If she can do it, so can I. Right?
Summer, I appreciate so much your sharing the story of your niece. Of all the pain we have endured as a family, I often think that it must pale in comparison to a mother of a child afflicted with leukemia or CF or ...whatever. I don't know...maybe it's not right to compare, but when I'm feeling weak I think of those mothers (and fathers) who are sitting by hospital beds, day in and day out, and who must remain strong with a smile on their face for the sake of their child. Where do THEY find the strength? If they can do it, so can I. In a way, I try to stay strong for all the mothers out there who are helplessly watching their children suffer....and perhaps die. We are a super-human lot, and we probably don't give ourselves enough credit and are quick to beat ourselves up for caving in or not being strong enough to do what should be done. But I tell you, this stuff is NOT for sissies.
I talked at length with my son's counselor this evening. First time we've connected since he was kicked out 3 days ago. Sadly, the story he told his dad is NOT the story we got from his counselor, though I'm not surprised. He and 3 "friends" from rehab concocted a way to have drugs delivered to the center and got caught. As I've mentioned before this is the 2nd time this has happened in a month. The sheer power of this f***ing heroin addiction is mind-blowing. His dad and I had a good talk this evening about it. I am more inclined to let him fall....he is wanting to throw all our resources to find him a long term rehab treating his concurrent depression and addiction, since we are told this is really his best chance. My heart and my head are doing battle. His dad is scrambling to try to save his son....although we are slowly realizing there is little that we can do....and chances are very good that he will die no matter what we do. It's only a matter of when.
Same as your sister, Summer.
If she can do it, so can I. Right?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by tjp613 
Today is a little better. Will make a visit to the vitamin shop later today (they were closed yesterday).
I went to the museum and enjoyed my day.
Today I want you all to know that I've printed out this entire thread and will carry it with me for a few days....then I'll keep it in a special place and take it out to read as needed....like a soothing balm.
Thank you again for all the support, wisdom and prayers.
I went to the museum and enjoyed my day.
Today I want you all to know that I've printed out this entire thread and will carry it with me for a few days....then I'll keep it in a special place and take it out to read as needed....like a soothing balm.
Thank you again for all the support, wisdom and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Oh, TJP, my heart just aches for you, and for your husband. Making such a difficult decision...
What can I possibly say? Nowadays I pray for guidance when I'm faced with decisions. I try to get quiet, I ask to be led. I admit to God that the great big powerful maternal heart of me undoubtedly desires a certain outcome. And, eventually (depends on how much I'm struggling), admitting that somehow, by some gentle grace, allows me to let go of it. Don't know how it works, I just know that it does.
Prayers are with you and your son.
What can I possibly say? Nowadays I pray for guidance when I'm faced with decisions. I try to get quiet, I ask to be led. I admit to God that the great big powerful maternal heart of me undoubtedly desires a certain outcome. And, eventually (depends on how much I'm struggling), admitting that somehow, by some gentle grace, allows me to let go of it. Don't know how it works, I just know that it does.
Prayers are with you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
TJP, we both know that they wont be done till they're done. I still believe my boy is somewhere out there and I give it up every second that HP is in charge. More importantly, there is a lesson here for me (and for you). Giving up kids at any time in their life (whatever age they are) is very difficult. Your son knows the extent of your love. I hope and pray he stays sober in the SLE (you mentioned he went there after the rehab). Sadly, when my son went to his SLE, I think there were some bad influences there and he was tempted without any hindrance to go right back to the hell of Heroin. If you are putting him in inpatient, what would be the difference from the last time?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
If you are putting him in inpatient, what would be the difference from the last time?
I don't know. There may be no difference whatsoever. Who the hell knows. Like PrayingMama said, I'll just pray on it for awhile. Besides, he has said he won't leave Texas....but that's probably because his sources are here!! I told my ex (his dad) that we both need some time and space to think about this. I'm in no hurry. I'd like to have a month of no contact and see what he does for HIMSELF in that time frame and we can spend that time doing some research.
My poor exH... his dad died last week, and his step-brother is in a coma after receiving a bone marrow transplant that went bad. His company is for sale (might lose his job) and he just bought a new house. And don't forget, his daughter just got thrown out of my house as well. His plate is WAY full. We both just need a break from the drama. AS can just stew for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
My heart is with you. My son had his "4-6 months of depression" in jail and inpatient. They were treating dual diagnosis at his inpatient rehab and he completed his 4 months of rehab, he was discharged (3 days later) My Mother passed away. She was his lifeline and even though I explained that we had a fund set aside for him which was to help him ($10,000.00 though I didn't tell him that number!), he relapsed from March 10 to March 26, then I convinced him to try another SLE, then all heck broke loose on May 15. I think he was probably using from March 26 on in small amounts till the monkey got back in control again.
My son also was offered anti depressants but he didn't like how they made him feel.
I think you should try it, but go ahead and pray on it. If there is a way to help his depression. I know, both decisions are difficult.
Hugs,
TT
My son also was offered anti depressants but he didn't like how they made him feel.
I think you should try it, but go ahead and pray on it. If there is a way to help his depression. I know, both decisions are difficult.
Hugs,
TT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
See? That's exactly how I see all of this playing out for us, too. My exH is the one who is pushing for long term treatment but I don't think it will do any good IN THE LONG RUN. I dunno. We'll see.
I'm sorry to be so selfish here. I'm very sorry for your pain, too. Very sorry. ((((Hugs))))
I'm sorry to be so selfish here. I'm very sorry for your pain, too. Very sorry. ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I totally understand, these boys are our flesh and blood. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
I am reflecting on this depression issue, this is a big part of the concern I have since JJ wouldn't take the meds or the counseling that was made available to him. I just know that many who have shared here have made it through the darkness. Hope is better than despair when we don't KNOW what is God's plan.
Love and hugs,
TT
I am reflecting on this depression issue, this is a big part of the concern I have since JJ wouldn't take the meds or the counseling that was made available to him. I just know that many who have shared here have made it through the darkness. Hope is better than despair when we don't KNOW what is God's plan.
Love and hugs,
TT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Of course you can do it. Our spirit is way more powerful than we even know.
My sister goes through life in a fog, angry and full of anxiety. She feels she need to punish herself so her daughter does not suffer alone. But her and her family suffer with her.
I pray she can let go of some her anger.
Don't let this eat you alive like it does her, I saw my aunt take care of my cousin with Cerebral Palsy for 55 yrs until she died. She always had a smile through her pain.
She's dead and he lives on...he's ok.
No words can make your pain go away, or make your kids well, all I can say is day by day.
hug
My sister goes through life in a fog, angry and full of anxiety. She feels she need to punish herself so her daughter does not suffer alone. But her and her family suffer with her.
I pray she can let go of some her anger.
Don't let this eat you alive like it does her, I saw my aunt take care of my cousin with Cerebral Palsy for 55 yrs until she died. She always had a smile through her pain.
She's dead and he lives on...he's ok.
No words can make your pain go away, or make your kids well, all I can say is day by day.
hug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: northern ky
Posts: 3
I dont know why this wont let me send a privite message but, I would check out the Grateful Life Center and that is in Covington Ky. There are a few more places around this area let me know if you need any info.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Thanks you guys. I've passed another milestone today. I hung up on my son when I heard his voice on the line saying, "Mom?" I hung up. He called 8 more times but I never answered...and he stopped calling. I'm hurting and I'm angry and disgusted. My son is not in that body. He's gone. There is nothing but a heroin seeking machine there now....one that steals, cheats, lies, manipulates and has no thought or care for anyone...unless they can provide something the machine needs. It is time to mourn.
It's a hard day. The news about Jay (SpeedyJason) really knocked me down, too. It's just an ugly world today. Tomorrow will be better.
It's a hard day. The news about Jay (SpeedyJason) really knocked me down, too. It's just an ugly world today. Tomorrow will be better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I'm so sorry tjp. That single word..."Mom"...so hard to ignore, it's as though the sound of it vibrates in our very DNA. I have been there, on the phone, hearing someone who is not the son I know and love. A stranger. Such a terrible season, such a difficult passage.
I do not know anything of Jay's story other than what I read on that thread today, but it was shattering to hear nonetheless.
I hope you get much-needed rest this night. Wishing you peace and renewal of spirit.
Blessings.
I do not know anything of Jay's story other than what I read on that thread today, but it was shattering to hear nonetheless.
I hope you get much-needed rest this night. Wishing you peace and renewal of spirit.
Blessings.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>He's gone. There is nothing but a heroin seeking machine there now....one that steals,
cheats, lies, manipulates and has no thought or care for anyone...unless they can provide
something the machine needs. It is time to mourn.<<<<<<
....Such a powerful passage.Thank you for creating it.I myself have wondered WHY it
is so hard to get to the mourning stage.I guess because to get to mourning requires
a death......the death of hope.And that is one damn hard nut to crack.
Peace to you,tjp.Peace to us all......
cheats, lies, manipulates and has no thought or care for anyone...unless they can provide
something the machine needs. It is time to mourn.<<<<<<
....Such a powerful passage.Thank you for creating it.I myself have wondered WHY it
is so hard to get to the mourning stage.I guess because to get to mourning requires
a death......the death of hope.And that is one damn hard nut to crack.
Peace to you,tjp.Peace to us all......
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