TanyaScared

I posted this maybe on the wrong forum and they said maybe put it here under famiy:

Im not sure Im posting in the right place on here, but here goes. Im engaged to a great guy and we are planning on getting married in August. I have known him for about 3 years now. After we had been dating for about 6 months he told me that he was a recovered meth addict and had been clean for 2 years back then. That means he would be 5 years clean now. He was involved in NA for the first two years, and said he completed all the 12 steps. He told me he stopped because it wasn’t helping him anymore, and he wanted to move on with his life. He said his sponsor was controlling and didnt think he was ready to start dating and build a new life for himself.
Ive known him like I said for about three years now, and in that time he has had a couple relapses with drugs but not meth. Or at least the told me it wasn’t meth I really don’t know about drugs.
But why Im here is because for the last few months he has been acting a little strange, pulled back a little from me, and when ive asked him about it, he always has an excuse like its because he Im always asking him about wedding plans and his opinion on things, and it just stresses him out. He tells me he wants me to have the wedding of my dreams, and he wants to help plan, but not be involved in every little decision. So I tried to do that and I think it helped. And then there was distance and he said it was because he wa always so tired because he has been working extra so we will have money to cover the wedding and our honeymoon, and also we bought a house and have been fixing it up. When he is not at work, he is over at the house doing things.
Last night, I tried to call him at the other house and he didn’t answer. I had something really important I needed to talk to him about, and so I stopped and got some food for us, and went on over to the house. I expected to find him working like I had many other times, but instead he was sitting on the floor smoking out of what I think was called a glass bong. My heart sank and I didn’t even know what to say. I asked him what he was doing, what was it he was using, was it meth? And he said no. it was some kind of legal spice or something and he had been using it to relax. We had a HUGE fight and I told him I didn’t even know who he was, and this was all crazy. That’s not what you do when you are stressed out and working too hard. I went home and told him to stay there because I didn’t want to be around him when his eyes were all glazed and he was so defensive. I told him to come home when he was ready to be honest and we would talk. He has called and texted me all day, and every time I talk to him he is telling me Im overreacting. That its not illegal, its fine, he will just stop. Please forgive him .
We are going to talk tonight after he gets home from work. Im not here to be told to leave him, and don’t marry him. I want to know what to do to help him, what he should know he needs to do for himself. Is this stuff bad? Could he be addicted?
I have heard about spice and from what I can tell it was being sold legally, but now it is illegal, and it is also very dangerous. The thing is I don’t even know if it was spice, or if it was meth. I have been trying to figure it out and was hoping you could help me.

outtolunch

There is nothing you can say or do to keep him sober. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Pot, Spice and/or alcohol tend to be gateway substances for addicts...meaning consumption often leads back to the drug of choice.

He's demonstrated that he's not honest about it and does not want to hear about it from you or his former sponsor. Put on your seat belt, cause you are getting on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

oooopps

sure it was spice? right before I left my ex, he was smoking something out of a glass bong thing too. It was crack.

GoingThrough2

I agree with the others sweety.
He's not sober at all.
He is using now regardless of what it is.
If it wasnt such a big deal ( as he is saying ) why didnt he whip out his glass bong right infront of you back at the other house and start smoking his heart out in front of you..
BECAUSE HE KNEW YOU WOULDNT APPROVE..
He knows very well he's using something to fog up , tune out, de-stress ( whatever the case ). It's addiction.
And I also agree that if he is using now, and he has used a few times in the relationship already, he will continue to use again and again.
His negativity is affecting YOU.
This also sounds alot like " I'm sorry, wont happen again, your over-reacting. "
Thats classic addiction chatter..
It's not OK.
It is a big deal.
And you are not over-reacting.
He needs help again.
It could very well get ALOT worse.
You would be amazed at how fast it can get worse.
I wish you all the luck and wisdom in the world.
You are going to need it!
~Best Wishes,Gt2~

RoseMadder

It doesn't matter WHAT he is using, he IS using and therefore he is NOT clean. Addiction is progressive, and it doesn't matter if they change their DOC.
My AH has gone from alcohol to gambling to drugs. Addiction is addiction is addiction... the substance of the day is irrelevant.

"I want to know what to do to help him" --- there is nothing you can do. You didn't cause his addiction, can't control it and can't cure it.

Please take a step back and realize the only thing you can control is you, think carefully about what you are willing to live with for the rest of your life before you make any decisions. I wish I had.

dollydo

"Im not here to be told to leave him, and don’t marry him."

Ok, so marry him, strap yourself into the car and ride the rollercoaster into hell and beyond.

He is not clean, he is not in recovery, there is nothing you can do to help him...I wish you the best.

EnglishGarden

TanyaScared,

He is in active addiction.

Any book you read by any expert on addiction will say sincerely that what helps keep an addict using are the enablers in his life.

And if you marry this young man knowing he is in active addiction, you will be enabling him. You will be cooperating with the deadly disease that is going to kill him young.

So: you do not have to break up with him today. But if you want to help him in the way that all addiction experts will say you should help him: cancel that wedding. Delay it for one year. Give him one year to clean up.

Go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon (if you resist this, ask yourself why).

If you cover your eyes and your ears, Tanya, to drug addiction in your loved one, you will be of no help to him at all.

You must educate yourself. You must learn to set unwavering boundaries and hold them no matter what. You must step away enough to allow the addict loved one time and space to work his recovery with his entire heart and mind, and without you being involved in that recovery work in any way.

Nar-Anon has a website. You can google it "Nar-Anon" and read some and order the materials, if there is no meeting in your town. The materials are just a few dollars.

The man you love is at a vital life-and-death crossroads, Tanya. And he knows it. He does not want to know it. He wants to deny it. And he wants you to deny it, too. If you deny it with him, the addiction will have won.

We hope you will educate yourself, so you can do the right actions for both your sake and for his.

You can love him and still delay the wedding to give him time to save his life.

oooopps

TanyaScared,

sorry if some people seem harsh but you are speaking to a group people who have gone through some pretty intense stuff with addicts and there is simply no bull-shieting, hand-holding, or sugar coating when it comes to dealing with addiction.

Coming here with the above attitude will not help you because it's like asking for good advice with yours ears stuffed full of cotton.

Since you only want to hear what you want to hear... how is being on this forum or going anywhere for advice going to help you?

TanyaScared

But we are getting married in weeks. Its all planned, all paid for, all teh invites out, honeymoon set. Its done . and I LOVE HIM.

If he is sick he needs my help, not for me to leave him.

oooopps

did you miss everything written above?
We all love/loved our addicts to pieces. Nobody is here because they didnt love their addict.

you cannot help him with his addiction. Just like you cannot cure cancer.

You have choices:

1) marry him and accept the consequences; or

2) hold off on marrying him, let him deal with his addiction because he cannot be a good partner to you as long as he is using.

You already decided on #1.

EnglishGarden

Then, as the wife of an active drug addict, you will have many resources for what lies ahead:

Nar-Anon
Al-Anon
Codependents Anonymous
Counselor specializing in Codependence/Addiction
SR
Many other websites for spouses of drug addicts

You will need support. There is much available.

HopefulGF65

Tanya, I hope I can offer some advice. I know you must feel blindsided and attacked. PLEASE know you are not. My heart is breaking for you because I know how badly you *want* to have good reasons to go ahead with the marriage. I'm you, except for the engaged part.

I came here the beginning of the year after the first time my boyfriend detoxed and swore he wouldn't do it again. We had been together 2 years and I loved him too. He was the one I wanted to grow old with. But I was hanging on to what I saw in the first 6 months (maybe even less) of knowing him. I was hanging on to a fantasy because the addiction got ahold of him and still hasn't let go.

I came here, like you, wanting to educate myself because I was going to be the exception to the rule (see my screen name?), i was going to be the supportive girlfriend who stood by her man and continued to give him unconditional love even after he progressively withdrew from me, blamed me for it (sound familiar?), then started berating me, the mood swings were so bad I could barely remember him happy, he stole from me, he spent money we didn't have when his scripts ran out (his addiction is pain meds), and on and on and on.

It happened soooo gradually that it allowed him and allowed the addiction to control me to the point where I became a shell of myself. I was wrong that I could fix things, wrong that he would "see the light" and want to get clean for me, wrong that things would change just because of a fresh start (ours was just a move).

I know what you're feeling - I was there, I was firm that I wasn't going to leave, couldn't imagine hurting him like that even though I was hurting 24/7. If you aren't ready to walk away, please please do yourself a favor and at least postpone the wedding until you can sort all of this out. I wasn't married and it still took many trips to the doctor (and hospital), almost losing my job because of performance (that is not me!), gaining a ton of weight, and almost complete isolation from my friends before I saw that I had to do something.

It sux I know...believe me, I know...and several months ago I never thought I would be sitting here like I am now giving advice to someone just like me. I care, we all do...

Learn2Live

"I want to know what to do to help him, what he should know he needs to do for himself. Is this stuff bad? Could he be addicted?"
He already knows what he needs to do to help himself. Remember the sponsor who was already helping him? He told him not to get involved in a relationship, to work on HIMSELF. But that's not what your ABF has been doing.

Yes, the stuff is bad. Can there be a good illicit drug??

Yes, he could be addicted. He's an addict. You already knew that.

When I was younger, I also had a fiance with "5 years clean" who had worked a program but had stopped so he could "move on with his life." He was a crack addict. I also knew nothing about addiction at the time and thought that 5 years clean meant he was strong. Boy did I find out quickly what it REALLY meant. It was absolutely THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE. I nearly died. I lived an absolute NIGHTMARE for a year and a half.

Tanya, this isn't going to make ANY sense to you but I have to tell you, if you TRULY love this person and want to help him, you will leave him. And the faster you leave him, the better. Addiction is not something you can fix. You NEVER recover from drug addiction. An addict's life must get so bad before they are motivated to help themselves. You hold the power to make it bad for him, because he loves you. Set him free and let him fall.

HopefulGF65

This is the absolute hardest thing to grasp to be true when you are in love with an addict. I loved mine, I was going to make it better, but instead I contributed by enabling his addiction. I never let him fall because I was always there to pick up the pieces so he didn't know what hitting rock bottom meant; therefore, he had no reason to get his act together.

Zoso posted in another thread about learning to listen to your spider senses. Mine were going off left and right but I ignored them. I think yours are going off or else you wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry...I know this must be really hard for you

TanyaScared

I dont think his situation is THAT bad. We havent been having trouble and no spider senses are going off except that he has seemed stressed. But he has good reason with all that is going on, I mean I am too sometimes.

Ive got a lot better lately thought because all the wedding planning is done and now at night we sit dow nand have a glass of wine and laugh about how crazy I was getting. Of course the house is another matter, and he is working hard on that. Maybe we can delay moving in for a little longer and hire people to finish what part he was doing.

He said that the guys working on the house were smoking the spice when he went there a while back, and he asked them about it and they offered to get him some to try, he said he only had the one pack and has only used it a few times. He said they even gave him the glass bong like the ones they used.

These are professionals too not friends or anything. Im pissed about the work they are doing with smoking that sh*t.

He promises to stop, and he handed me that pack, and I flushed it all away. and I took a hammer to the bong and broke it into pieces and put it in the trash too.

he said he wont get involved with AA again,. He gives them credit for helping him when he was bad with the meth bjut after a while he said it was enough , It was over and he wasnt going to be part of a cult anymore . And his sponsor he said was a control addict and too intense. He said that those programs are good for addicts because they are like addictions themselves. He said that chapter is over.

I told him I couldnt stand the thought of him using meth again because I remember him telling me how bad off he was and that it almost killed him and took his soul.

I think I can only wait and see. I mean if he hasnt taken that much then he isnt addicted to it, and if he stops and learns from it like he says he did then it should be fine.

Whew.... I feel better after talking it out with him, He wasnt angry or anythng, and apologized for being defensive but he said I was yelling a lot at him. which was true. I mean I walked in and it smelled like skunks had ran through the place and then I find him sitting there with that nasty pipe thing.

Thank you everyone and I will remember what you said if there is any more problems I will know where to come.

suki44883

You will do whatever you want to do, but you did come here asking questions. As others have said, we will be here if you feel the need to come back. I wish you every happiness and truly hope everything works out well for both of you.

FindingErica

My husband is a Spice/K2 addict. There are many variations on this drug and some are very intense and really screw a person up. According to people who had seen my husband in full blown addiction, he is really bad. This stuff can cause hallucinations and I have read that some variations are more akin to LSD and Heroin. It was just banned by the federal gov't so it is no longer legal.

I've been married to my husband for 18 years, we have three kids and were 5 weeks away from a cross country move when concerned family members started calling to tell me what was going on and how truly bad he had gotten. I had to go out and find a home to rent here, a lawyer, my kids are traumatized, he may be homeless soon. Is he "sick"? I guess in the addiction is a disease sense but it is a "disease" the person has some control of. If you want to help him, you are going to have to put some tough ultimatums, they will cost you, mine have cost me. They will hurt, I'm not going to lie. It's your choice really. If you get married be prepared for the addiction to get worse not better because that is what addiction does. I took some severe emotional and verbal abuse, sat in denial while hoping he wouldn't lash at me with his anger, I worried that tonight would be the night he got too high around the kids or hurt the dog again. I can't tell YOU what to do, that is your decision, whether you want to legally bind yourself to him or not. I can only share my experience and my choices. Good luck to you.

zoso77

Tanya...

Compassion and empathy are beautiful, lovely traits. They really are. But they are also double edged swords.

But this is what concerns me a bit:

Now, I'm not going to tell you to leave him. Nor am I going to tell you to not marry him. But what I am going to tell you is twofold:

1) Love isn't enough
2) If you go into marriage blind, or worse, in denial what what it is you're facing, you will be hurt badly

I don't want to see that happen. Now is not a time for your eyes to be pointing inward or your mind to be closed. It is a time for courage, for honesty, and for learning about what it is you're about to take on. When you're ready for it, it's here for you.

And we'll be here for you, too.

Good Luck,
ZoSo

story74

I get the fact the wedding is paid for. I get the fact you love him. I get the fact you want to be there for him. BUT
You don't marry someone just because it is all paid for. Love will not make him sober. You cannot help him. Drugs are evil and takes a persons soul away. Imagine having babies with him, and he is an addict? Living with an addict is so painful.
Is he lying? Is he using drugs? Do you feel disconnected? Put the wedding on hold and work this out.
I use to think having a big beautiful wedding was so important. I look back onit now, and realize we should have just got married on the beach with a few close family and friends. What is important is commiting yourself to someone you can trust and build a healthy future with.
I caught my xah lying. I felt disconnected from him. I knew something was wrong, but thought we would get through it. We were best friends. I thought we were soul mates. We use to brag to others about how strong our relationship was. We were together for 16 years. We have a beautiful son. I found out that he was cheating on me for 6 months and was snorting cocaine. He abandoned us. He was inconsistantly in and out of our life for a year, and now he is gone. Haven't heard from him for 4 weeks. Hasn't seen his son in 7 weeks. He destroyed me son. He destroyed me. He destroyed our family. He destroyed our finances. I, me, myself and I am picking up all the pieces. it is beyond painful. But this is what addicts do. They leave you to starve. They lie. They cheat and they steal.
It's your choice. But read everything you can and really listen to everyone. This choice will affect your entire future forever.
Blessings

HopefulGF65

I didn't think my exbf's situation was that bad either. But that was because #1 he hid alot of the addiction before it got so bad he couldn't hide anything anymore and #2 he lied so many times during my fantasy of wanting to believe #1.

What really concerns me is excusing this whole thing over being stressed. That was always my ex's excuse - stressed no money, stressed no job, stressed because I'm stressed - then it was ME who was crazy and the cause of HIS problems - and I allowed him to blame me. doesn't matter that my stress was different than yours. Is it ever an excuse to get high? That is the sign of something much more going on.

Lastly, something I have learned here - once an addict, always an addict. The difference is if you are active or recovering. The fact that he seems almost defensive about not needing NA or a sponsor is a flag. If he didn't like who he had as a sponsor, couldn't he respectfully ask for someone else?

Just some things to think about.

As others have said, we will be here if you come back. I wish you all the best.