Harder to deal with enabler than addict!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Harder to deal with enabler than addict!
I already know (I think) the answers to my own questions, so this is probably more of a vent than anything else, but today I feel so angry and frustrated with XH, who is a black-belt fixer with a Ph.D. in codependency.
To be honest, XH has come a long way, for him, recently. He set a boundary and stuck to it and after a short while on the streets, AS asked for help, etc. So far so good.
XH talked addict son out of entering the IOP he was interested in and enthusiastic about because XH didn't like the way the medical director of the program spoke to him. I've seen this in the past. Teachers, guidance counselors, various professionals whether legal or health care, therapists etc. listen for about one minute to XH and then either suggest something he doesn't like to hear, usually along the lines of something about contributing to the problem or a suggestion to seek counseling for himself (which he adamantly refuses--son has the problem, not him), or just shut him down.
Even saying he talked AS out of the program isn't entirely accurate. He just wasn't going to cooperate insurance-wise. (This was not a more expensive program, nor was it inaccessible, just was offended by doctor. Can't imagine why.)
Son has no money or health insurance--big surprise. It's either enter a program father approves of, or seek help from a free one. Such as Salvation Army. I don't see this as a huge hardship (I actually see it as a plus, but what do I know), and when gave son info on Salvation Army, letting him know a free residential ehab program exists and lasts about six months, etc., he was surprised. Didn't know such things existed. Thanked for information and said he had a lot to think about because he knows success for him, for any addict, rests entirely on him. He feels he needs residential treatment, insurance won't pay, so he knows the only alternative is a free program.
XH heard Salvation Army and you'd have thought I had suggested torture instead of treatment. Whatever. XH also refuses to go to any Alanon or Naranon or Families Anonymous meetings because, as he says, "Why should I sit around listening to other people's problems?" Um. Honest to God, I have no response to that. I just don't.
Anyway. I have bitten my tongue to bloody shreds and used Lamaze breathing more than I even did in childbirth when I listen to this enabler "quacking" (cause that's just how it sounds to me).
I know, I know. Take a walk, straighten a drawer, try a recipe, play a game with adorable 11-year-old, etc. etc. I do, I do. I just feel as though I'm not only waiting for addict to hit bottom, I'm waiting for enabler to hit his bottom.
I'm get so angry with XH when he starts the "poor me" and "look how much I've done" (yeah, includes allowing son to do drugs in house, smoking weed with him, lying to every kind of authority imaginable, paying his fines, bailing him out, keeping secrets, blah blah blah).
Anybody have any good comebacks? My sense of humor is on vacation at the moment. Any examples of how you've dealt with the other parent?
Gawd, I'm pissed off. Thanks for listening.
To be honest, XH has come a long way, for him, recently. He set a boundary and stuck to it and after a short while on the streets, AS asked for help, etc. So far so good.
XH talked addict son out of entering the IOP he was interested in and enthusiastic about because XH didn't like the way the medical director of the program spoke to him. I've seen this in the past. Teachers, guidance counselors, various professionals whether legal or health care, therapists etc. listen for about one minute to XH and then either suggest something he doesn't like to hear, usually along the lines of something about contributing to the problem or a suggestion to seek counseling for himself (which he adamantly refuses--son has the problem, not him), or just shut him down.
Even saying he talked AS out of the program isn't entirely accurate. He just wasn't going to cooperate insurance-wise. (This was not a more expensive program, nor was it inaccessible, just was offended by doctor. Can't imagine why.)
Son has no money or health insurance--big surprise. It's either enter a program father approves of, or seek help from a free one. Such as Salvation Army. I don't see this as a huge hardship (I actually see it as a plus, but what do I know), and when gave son info on Salvation Army, letting him know a free residential ehab program exists and lasts about six months, etc., he was surprised. Didn't know such things existed. Thanked for information and said he had a lot to think about because he knows success for him, for any addict, rests entirely on him. He feels he needs residential treatment, insurance won't pay, so he knows the only alternative is a free program.
XH heard Salvation Army and you'd have thought I had suggested torture instead of treatment. Whatever. XH also refuses to go to any Alanon or Naranon or Families Anonymous meetings because, as he says, "Why should I sit around listening to other people's problems?" Um. Honest to God, I have no response to that. I just don't.
Anyway. I have bitten my tongue to bloody shreds and used Lamaze breathing more than I even did in childbirth when I listen to this enabler "quacking" (cause that's just how it sounds to me).
I know, I know. Take a walk, straighten a drawer, try a recipe, play a game with adorable 11-year-old, etc. etc. I do, I do. I just feel as though I'm not only waiting for addict to hit bottom, I'm waiting for enabler to hit his bottom.
I'm get so angry with XH when he starts the "poor me" and "look how much I've done" (yeah, includes allowing son to do drugs in house, smoking weed with him, lying to every kind of authority imaginable, paying his fines, bailing him out, keeping secrets, blah blah blah).
Anybody have any good comebacks? My sense of humor is on vacation at the moment. Any examples of how you've dealt with the other parent?
Gawd, I'm pissed off. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by PrayingMama 
Anybody have any good comebacks? My sense of humor is on vacation at the moment. Any examples of how you've dealt with the other parent?
Gawd, I'm pissed off. Thanks for listening.
Gawd, I'm pissed off. Thanks for listening.
I have no tolerence for this sort of behavior.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Experiencing a new round of enabling here after the alkie/addict suffered some consequences from years of substance abuse. They view them as sick(not in a need rehab or need to change sort of way) Senior family now doting over them with money in more ways than one.
The frustrating part is the primary enabler is flatout lying to me and others. It's almost sad because their lies are pathetic, not even close to possible. The frustrating part is it shows what they think of you and others telling bald face right to your face. We're meanies if we don't enable. They also are in denial about enabling saying there's no such thing as enabling(yet they acknowledged some results in not giving money in the recent past).
I get along with the enablers much better than the alkie/addict but the added clarity of what they really think although disappointing is enlightening. Won't stop me from calling them out on the lies, maybe they'll wise up.
The frustrating part is the primary enabler is flatout lying to me and others. It's almost sad because their lies are pathetic, not even close to possible. The frustrating part is it shows what they think of you and others telling bald face right to your face. We're meanies if we don't enable. They also are in denial about enabling saying there's no such thing as enabling(yet they acknowledged some results in not giving money in the recent past).
I get along with the enablers much better than the alkie/addict but the added clarity of what they really think although disappointing is enlightening. Won't stop me from calling them out on the lies, maybe they'll wise up.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I struggle with the enabling thing as well. Not me, my mother. She and my alcoholic sibling have this enmeshed relationship that I try to stay out of. Not my circus, not my monkeys. But...she will ask me to give him a ride to his favorite watering hole, or ask me to cash a check for her so she can give him money to drink. This is a real concern for her, as she knows that if he can't get the alcohol he now physically needs he may go into withdrawal seizures--it has happened before. I decided this weekend that I wasn't going to "help" by getting her money to her so she can give it to him. I feel like this is a boundary that I need to preserve, but I worry about her ability to cope if he should withdraw. She is 90 with dementia. Telling her to call 911 if he is sick seems kinda cruel. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I am surrounded by enablers, which is not in my nature, I was raised to be hyper responsible about my actions.
For years now, I've watched the enabling. I get that I can only control my actions, but, lets be real, we are still paying the price for those that enable. Still dealing with the addicts actions, when family members allow things to slide.
I'm beginning to feel like I am in a losing battle when no one is on the same page and no matter my resolve, their actions are still impacting me. I'm tired of being called not supportive, tired of being the meanie. Watching the enabling, and being affected by it, sucks just as much as dealing with the addict themselves.
For years now, I've watched the enabling. I get that I can only control my actions, but, lets be real, we are still paying the price for those that enable. Still dealing with the addicts actions, when family members allow things to slide.
I'm beginning to feel like I am in a losing battle when no one is on the same page and no matter my resolve, their actions are still impacting me. I'm tired of being called not supportive, tired of being the meanie. Watching the enabling, and being affected by it, sucks just as much as dealing with the addict themselves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I am surrounded by enablers, which is not in my nature, I was raised to be hyper responsible about my actions.
For years now, I've watched the enabling. I get that I can only control my actions, but, lets be real, we are still paying the price for those that enable. Still dealing with the addicts actions, when family members allow things to slide.
I'm beginning to feel like I am in a losing battle when no one is on the same page and no matter my resolve, their actions are still impacting me. I'm tired of being called not supportive, tired of being the meanie. Watching the enabling, and being affected by it, sucks just as much as dealing with the addict themselves.
For years now, I've watched the enabling. I get that I can only control my actions, but, lets be real, we are still paying the price for those that enable. Still dealing with the addicts actions, when family members allow things to slide.
I'm beginning to feel like I am in a losing battle when no one is on the same page and no matter my resolve, their actions are still impacting me. I'm tired of being called not supportive, tired of being the meanie. Watching the enabling, and being affected by it, sucks just as much as dealing with the addict themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Not sure there is anything you can do here. A 90 year old is not going to change her ways, that is just not going to happen. I do think you should advise to call 911 if that happens, and to call you as well, even if you don't want to hear it, she will need your verbal support if nothing else.
Hugs to all who are dealing with this.
Hugs to all who are dealing with this.
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I struggle with the enabling thing as well. Not me, my mother. She and my alcoholic sibling have this enmeshed relationship that I try to stay out of. Not my circus, not my monkeys. But...she will ask me to give him a ride to his favorite watering hole, or ask me to cash a check for her so she can give him money to drink. This is a real concern for her, as she knows that if he can't get the alcohol he now physically needs he may go into withdrawal seizures--it has happened before. I decided this weekend that I wasn't going to "help" by getting her money to her so she can give it to him. I feel like this is a boundary that I need to preserve, but I worry about her ability to cope if he should withdraw. She is 90 with dementia. Telling her to call 911 if he is sick seems kinda cruel. Any advice?
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